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Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living
Start
Where You Are
is an indispensable handbook for cultivating fearlessness and awakening a
compassionate heart. With insight and humor, Pema Chödrön presents
down-to-earth guidance on how we can "start where we are"—embracing
rather than denying the painful aspects of our lives. Pema Chödrön
frames her teachings on compassion around fifty-nine traditional Tibetan
Buddhist maxims, or slogans, such as: "Always apply only a joyful state of
mind," "Don't seek others' pain as the limbs of your own
happiness," and "Always meditate on whatever provokes resentment."
Working
with these slogans and through the practice of meditation,
Start
Where You Are
shows how we can all develop the courage to work with our inner pain and
discover joy, well-being, and confidence.
177 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1994
1828 people are currently reading
23561 people want to read
About the author
Pema Chödrön
189 books5,465 followersAni Pema Chödrön (Deirdre Blomfield-Brown) is an American Buddhist nun in the Tibetan tradition, closely associated with the Kagyu school and the Shambhala lineage.
She attended Miss Porter's School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren.
While in her mid-thirties, she traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to England at that time, and Ani Pema received her ordination from him.
Ani Pema first met her root guru, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Trungpa, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full bikshuni ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong.
Ani Pema served as the director of the Karma Dzong, in Boulder, CO, until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche gave her explicit instructions on establishing this monastery for western monks and nuns.
Ani Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche.
She attended Miss Porter's School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren.
While in her mid-thirties, she traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to England at that time, and Ani Pema received her ordination from him.
Ani Pema first met her root guru, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Trungpa, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full bikshuni ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong.
Ani Pema served as the director of the Karma Dzong, in Boulder, CO, until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche gave her explicit instructions on establishing this monastery for western monks and nuns.
Ani Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 569 reviews
July 5, 2007
You don't have to be a Buddhist to appreciate the common sense philosophy in this beautiful book--I found it life-changing. If you want to better live in the present, feel your emotions fully without letting them overwhelm you, and expand your compassion and loving kindness for others, this book is a comforting place to start.
November 28, 2012
I have been (re)reading this book since I bought. Chödrö's presentation of Buddhist teachings is changing my life one moment at a time. From other comments I've seen, Start Where You Are goes better if the reader has some familiarity with Buddhist teachings; it would not be the book to start with if you just want to know about Buddhism.
There are three components to the teaching of this book, all of them traditional Buddhist teachings, and especially tied to Tibetan Buddhism. If you want to know about these practices, I recommend the book. I'll just describe each briefly.
Shamata/vipashyana meditation
Lojong slogans
Tonglen practice
You may be more familiar with "vipassana" as the name of mindfulness meditation. The point here is becoming aware of one's flow of thoughts moment-by-moment.
The 59 lojong slogans intend to free you from conditioned reactions that bring suffering to you and others.
Tonglen is a meditation practice to make you aware of your own and others sufferings and joys and to absorb the sufferings and share the joys.
I whole-heartedly recommend this book to the reader who already knows some basic of Buddhism and is serious about progressing on the bodhisattva path. Bodhi! Svaha!
There are three components to the teaching of this book, all of them traditional Buddhist teachings, and especially tied to Tibetan Buddhism. If you want to know about these practices, I recommend the book. I'll just describe each briefly.
Shamata/vipashyana meditation
Lojong slogans
Tonglen practice
You may be more familiar with "vipassana" as the name of mindfulness meditation. The point here is becoming aware of one's flow of thoughts moment-by-moment.
The 59 lojong slogans intend to free you from conditioned reactions that bring suffering to you and others.
Tonglen is a meditation practice to make you aware of your own and others sufferings and joys and to absorb the sufferings and share the joys.
I whole-heartedly recommend this book to the reader who already knows some basic of Buddhism and is serious about progressing on the bodhisattva path. Bodhi! Svaha!
March 30, 2008
Reading this book is what made me say "hey, this Buddhism thing makes a whole lot of sense to me". Pema is always down to earth and sometimes earthy in her presentation of the ideas and how they relate to our lives. She approaches every subject with compassion and makes you really feel like she understands your struggles and issues because she has gone through them, and because she is still going through them. She lets you know that while the difficulties and the issues will always be there, you can change your relationship to them and work with them.
January 30, 2019
My notes from Start Where You Are:
Lighten up.
It's all a dream.
Make friends with ourselves.
Start where we are.
Follow our breath.
Label our thoughts. Observe.
Be grateful---all situations teach us.
It's practice.
Whatever you meet unexpectedly, rest in it.
Soft heart.
Abandon hope of change.
Loving-kindness for self, for others.
Patience.
Train whole-heartedly.
Lighten up.
It's all a dream.
Make friends with ourselves.
Start where we are.
Follow our breath.
Label our thoughts. Observe.
Be grateful---all situations teach us.
It's practice.
Whatever you meet unexpectedly, rest in it.
Soft heart.
Abandon hope of change.
Loving-kindness for self, for others.
Patience.
Train whole-heartedly.
January 25, 2021
Pema Chödrön teaches the Tibetan Buddhist tradition of Lojong (mind training, using slogans) and Tonglen (a meditation practice). This is not a book of theory though--it’s a very practical guide. It’s such easy reading on the one hand, but trying to apply it is where the challenge comes in.
I took my time with this. Sometimes I could read a chapter, but sometimes I read a paragraph and it was so intense I’d have to put the book down and digest it a good long while before picking it up again.
Chödrön is so real. I love her humble examples of the way we struggle with ourselves. Her suggestions are so simple, yet so difficult. I think I’ll start over again at the beginning, and just keep circling through and eventually, pieces of this wisdom, rather than running through my fingers like sand, will begin to stick.
“… if it’s painful, breathe it in and think about all the other people who are experiencing pain. If it’s delightful, give it away and wish for all people to have that delight.”
I took my time with this. Sometimes I could read a chapter, but sometimes I read a paragraph and it was so intense I’d have to put the book down and digest it a good long while before picking it up again.
Chödrön is so real. I love her humble examples of the way we struggle with ourselves. Her suggestions are so simple, yet so difficult. I think I’ll start over again at the beginning, and just keep circling through and eventually, pieces of this wisdom, rather than running through my fingers like sand, will begin to stick.
“… if it’s painful, breathe it in and think about all the other people who are experiencing pain. If it’s delightful, give it away and wish for all people to have that delight.”
November 9, 2016
This is a good book overall. A lot of insights into Buddhist teachings, but while they are clearly simplified, they still may be a bit over-our-heads for most readers who don't have any previous experience in the topic.
She explains that we all armor our hearts, our "soft spots" instinctively and that to live well, we have to open that door to others, and that it is one of the most frightening things we will ever do, and that we must do it, like everything we do within ourselves, gently.
I most enjoyed her talks on balance, and how compassionate and encouraging the book urges you to be, especially to yourself. It emphasizes being kind to yourself as an extension of and to all sentient beings. It also encourages you to start with and embrace your most difficult qualities and use these to enrich your life experience by relating to the rest of the world through them. The book can be frustrating at times, but mostly because it doesn't give you quick and easy answers, but instead explains that everyone is different and encourages internal work and meditation to discover solutions to your own problems. When the teachings get too serious/frustrating, its punctuated by humorous little ironies or lessons on patience, which were cute.
One of my favorite quotes from the book, regarding letting go of perfectionism: "None of us is ever OK, but we all get through everything just fine."
She explains that we all armor our hearts, our "soft spots" instinctively and that to live well, we have to open that door to others, and that it is one of the most frightening things we will ever do, and that we must do it, like everything we do within ourselves, gently.
I most enjoyed her talks on balance, and how compassionate and encouraging the book urges you to be, especially to yourself. It emphasizes being kind to yourself as an extension of and to all sentient beings. It also encourages you to start with and embrace your most difficult qualities and use these to enrich your life experience by relating to the rest of the world through them. The book can be frustrating at times, but mostly because it doesn't give you quick and easy answers, but instead explains that everyone is different and encourages internal work and meditation to discover solutions to your own problems. When the teachings get too serious/frustrating, its punctuated by humorous little ironies or lessons on patience, which were cute.
One of my favorite quotes from the book, regarding letting go of perfectionism: "None of us is ever OK, but we all get through everything just fine."
March 1, 2014
First let me start by saying that I really love reading some Pema wisdom. This woman knows how to speak ina way that engages your attention.
About half of this book, or a little more, was brilliant and useful to me. Unfortunately, the title is a little misleading.... there are some things that she talks about very briefly, and the lack of detail or explanation makes it difficult for a new practitioner to access her wisdom. Unlike what you may imagine, this book isn't really for beginners in Buddhism. The phrase "start where you are" seems to pertain more to the fact that you can start Buddhist practices whether your are a very kind and open or a very unkind and closed off person... it doesn't have much at all.to do with the idea that you could pick up this book and benefit from it whether you had read 0 or 100 Buddhist texts.
With that in mind... I benefited a lot from the ideas I understood, and I wished she would've explained more about some of the other ones. Still, I like her style and plan to read some other books my her.
About half of this book, or a little more, was brilliant and useful to me. Unfortunately, the title is a little misleading.... there are some things that she talks about very briefly, and the lack of detail or explanation makes it difficult for a new practitioner to access her wisdom. Unlike what you may imagine, this book isn't really for beginners in Buddhism. The phrase "start where you are" seems to pertain more to the fact that you can start Buddhist practices whether your are a very kind and open or a very unkind and closed off person... it doesn't have much at all.to do with the idea that you could pick up this book and benefit from it whether you had read 0 or 100 Buddhist texts.
With that in mind... I benefited a lot from the ideas I understood, and I wished she would've explained more about some of the other ones. Still, I like her style and plan to read some other books my her.
June 1, 2022
This book has a few REALLY great statements, such as:
"We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves." Oh, wait a second, that's the only one.
A major part of her instruction is to teach the reader how to work with 'slogans'. I find these extremely annoying, especially when they are not in a meaningful context for me and she begins every single paragraph with "Another slogan says..."
I picked up the book b/c she is said to frame her teachings for the western mind. I found it way more confusing than Thich Nhat Hanh's writing and that's what I'll be going back to.
"We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves." Oh, wait a second, that's the only one.
A major part of her instruction is to teach the reader how to work with 'slogans'. I find these extremely annoying, especially when they are not in a meaningful context for me and she begins every single paragraph with "Another slogan says..."
I picked up the book b/c she is said to frame her teachings for the western mind. I found it way more confusing than Thich Nhat Hanh's writing and that's what I'll be going back to.
December 20, 2014
While I would be more inclined to recommend When Things Fall Apart to someone who's completely new to these concepts, this was of course still extremely valuable, and funnier than the others of hers I've read.
December 26, 2018
Exceptionally good. Clear and very helpful. I will be re-reading this many times I think
January 24, 2018
I still have a couple of chapters left to read but here are my key takeaways so far. I would recommend this book to everyone but I think it would be more useful if you already have some introduction to the Buddhist principles. I listened to this book on audible during my morning commute to work or while exercising on the elliptical. It filled me with positive feelings. I read it very slowly, often pausing the audio to reflect upon the teachings and some times even rewinding a whole chapter to understand it better. I still many not have grasped everything but I got a lot out of it. I plan to read it again in future once I finish the rest of it.
-Awaken the Budha within, use dharma to guide you and use sangha to support you in your aspirations.
-Your aspiration is to find Bodhichita, the enlightened heart, which is within you already
-The principles of Tonglen: a set of guiding principles for meditation. Eg: breathe in pain and breathe out relief (can be done for yourself or for some one you know who is in pain)
-Drive all blames into one: When conflicts occur instead of quickly blaming others, look within and examine what role you played. The point is when you find yourself blaming others quickly, reverse the process and blame yourself instead.
-Be grateful for everyone: The ones who trigger negative emotions in us are our best teachers.
-Tune into negative feelings: Always meditate on whatever provokes negative feelings.
-When you are experiencing joy share it with others (via meditation), when you are experiencing sorrow breathe it in and breathe out relief (again via meditation). This can be done for yourself or for someone you know
-Be open to new experiences: Don't draw the curtains and confine yourself to a single room. Open the curtains and experience the world that is out there with an open mind and heart.
-The five strengths (heart instructions on how to live or die): (1) Determination: the determination to use every struggle you face as an opportunity to open your heart, (2) Familiarization: Familiarization with Dharma, the realization that all teachings of Dharma are about yourself, about how to cook yourself, how to soften the toughest pieces of meat, (3) Seed of Virtue: The seed is already in you, its the inherent Budha nature, relax into it but don't search for it because searching for happiness only prevents us from finding it, (4) Reproach: See neurosis as neurosis, recognize your own personal brand of insanity and then instead of beating yourself up become your own teacher and teach yourself Dharma in your own words, (5) Aspiration: You always aspire for enlightenment, aspiration cuts through negativity, prevents you from beating yourself up and empowers you to start where you are.
-Lighten up, its not a big deal: We often work ourselves up to neurosis by blowing things up in our minds. Let it go, its not a big deal. Lighten up.
-Observe what you do (see neurosis as neurosis), when it happens do something different and aspire to make this your way of life.
-You are never alone. The pain you feel, the struggles and challenges that you face are universal. When you meditate for yourself and breathe in your pain and breathe out contentment for yourself, try to extend that practice to other people out there who are also in pain (their storylines may be different from yours). As you progress on the spiritual path, try to extend the same practice to your enemies or the people you resent.
-Shunyata: Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. For example, at a meditation retreat, there are noodles for breakfast. Instead of enjoying them with mindfulness, you find yourself thinking about what a good breakfast would be and you remember the breakfast that your mother used to make. You start resenting the noodles in front of you. Then out of nowhere, without any particular effort, you suddenly drop it. You bring your attention back to the people around you, their expressions, their own resentment towards the noodles, etc. The world opens up and you are able to experience the present fully. We automatically connect with this space (shunyata) within us. We have the ability to drop our story lines and rouse ourselves.
-The Big Squeeze: There is often a discrepancy between your aspirations and the immediacy of the situation, your vision and the reality. You often find yourself in that big squeeze between your vision and your reality. Instead of running away from it or giving up on your aspirations, tune into it, meditate on it. This is one of the most productive places on the spiritual path. There is often a discrepancy between our ideals and what we really encounter. For instance, with raising children, we have a lot of good ideas, but some times its very challenging to put together all the good ideas with the way our children really are, there at the breakfast table, with food all over themselves.
A couple of profound examples from the book (in my own words, ofcourse):
-A man is enjoying a boat ride on the river at dusk. There are no other boats on the river. Suddenly he sees a boat approaching. At first it feels nice to see that there is someone else enjoying the same experience like him. Then the man notices that the other boat is coming straight towards his boat faster and faster. He gets scared, he starts screaming. Its only when the boat crashes into his boat that he realizes that the other boat was empty. This is the story of our lives. There are a lot of empty boats out there that we are screaming and shaking our fists at.
-A woman is at a hospital after being burned and disfigured. The nurses take care of her needs and chat with her in a cheery manner but don't make any effort to connect with her. The doctors discuss the medical details with her in an efficient manner. Her family and friends make their duty calls but are scared to relate with what she is experiencing. It was a period of intense isolation. Finally the hospice people come over, they hold her hand and just sit with her even though they don't know what to say or what she needs. But they are not scared of her. The woman realizes that what people really need is not for others to be scared of them or to distance themselves from them. The practice of Tonglen provides the support that we need to be there with another human being and to communicate with them. The communication does not necessarily have to be verbal. Some times its enough to just be there.
-Awaken the Budha within, use dharma to guide you and use sangha to support you in your aspirations.
-Your aspiration is to find Bodhichita, the enlightened heart, which is within you already
-The principles of Tonglen: a set of guiding principles for meditation. Eg: breathe in pain and breathe out relief (can be done for yourself or for some one you know who is in pain)
-Drive all blames into one: When conflicts occur instead of quickly blaming others, look within and examine what role you played. The point is when you find yourself blaming others quickly, reverse the process and blame yourself instead.
-Be grateful for everyone: The ones who trigger negative emotions in us are our best teachers.
-Tune into negative feelings: Always meditate on whatever provokes negative feelings.
-When you are experiencing joy share it with others (via meditation), when you are experiencing sorrow breathe it in and breathe out relief (again via meditation). This can be done for yourself or for someone you know
-Be open to new experiences: Don't draw the curtains and confine yourself to a single room. Open the curtains and experience the world that is out there with an open mind and heart.
-The five strengths (heart instructions on how to live or die): (1) Determination: the determination to use every struggle you face as an opportunity to open your heart, (2) Familiarization: Familiarization with Dharma, the realization that all teachings of Dharma are about yourself, about how to cook yourself, how to soften the toughest pieces of meat, (3) Seed of Virtue: The seed is already in you, its the inherent Budha nature, relax into it but don't search for it because searching for happiness only prevents us from finding it, (4) Reproach: See neurosis as neurosis, recognize your own personal brand of insanity and then instead of beating yourself up become your own teacher and teach yourself Dharma in your own words, (5) Aspiration: You always aspire for enlightenment, aspiration cuts through negativity, prevents you from beating yourself up and empowers you to start where you are.
-Lighten up, its not a big deal: We often work ourselves up to neurosis by blowing things up in our minds. Let it go, its not a big deal. Lighten up.
-Observe what you do (see neurosis as neurosis), when it happens do something different and aspire to make this your way of life.
-You are never alone. The pain you feel, the struggles and challenges that you face are universal. When you meditate for yourself and breathe in your pain and breathe out contentment for yourself, try to extend that practice to other people out there who are also in pain (their storylines may be different from yours). As you progress on the spiritual path, try to extend the same practice to your enemies or the people you resent.
-Shunyata: Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. For example, at a meditation retreat, there are noodles for breakfast. Instead of enjoying them with mindfulness, you find yourself thinking about what a good breakfast would be and you remember the breakfast that your mother used to make. You start resenting the noodles in front of you. Then out of nowhere, without any particular effort, you suddenly drop it. You bring your attention back to the people around you, their expressions, their own resentment towards the noodles, etc. The world opens up and you are able to experience the present fully. We automatically connect with this space (shunyata) within us. We have the ability to drop our story lines and rouse ourselves.
-The Big Squeeze: There is often a discrepancy between your aspirations and the immediacy of the situation, your vision and the reality. You often find yourself in that big squeeze between your vision and your reality. Instead of running away from it or giving up on your aspirations, tune into it, meditate on it. This is one of the most productive places on the spiritual path. There is often a discrepancy between our ideals and what we really encounter. For instance, with raising children, we have a lot of good ideas, but some times its very challenging to put together all the good ideas with the way our children really are, there at the breakfast table, with food all over themselves.
A couple of profound examples from the book (in my own words, ofcourse):
-A man is enjoying a boat ride on the river at dusk. There are no other boats on the river. Suddenly he sees a boat approaching. At first it feels nice to see that there is someone else enjoying the same experience like him. Then the man notices that the other boat is coming straight towards his boat faster and faster. He gets scared, he starts screaming. Its only when the boat crashes into his boat that he realizes that the other boat was empty. This is the story of our lives. There are a lot of empty boats out there that we are screaming and shaking our fists at.
-A woman is at a hospital after being burned and disfigured. The nurses take care of her needs and chat with her in a cheery manner but don't make any effort to connect with her. The doctors discuss the medical details with her in an efficient manner. Her family and friends make their duty calls but are scared to relate with what she is experiencing. It was a period of intense isolation. Finally the hospice people come over, they hold her hand and just sit with her even though they don't know what to say or what she needs. But they are not scared of her. The woman realizes that what people really need is not for others to be scared of them or to distance themselves from them. The practice of Tonglen provides the support that we need to be there with another human being and to communicate with them. The communication does not necessarily have to be verbal. Some times its enough to just be there.
May 29, 2020
This almost turned me into a buddhist.
Pema Chodron’s analysis of the lojong, traditional Tibetan texts with instructions on how to train the mind and develop bodhichitta (enlightened mind).
Such a great resource for spiritual recovery and growth.
Pema Chodron’s analysis of the lojong, traditional Tibetan texts with instructions on how to train the mind and develop bodhichitta (enlightened mind).
Such a great resource for spiritual recovery and growth.
August 5, 2022
Best teacher I ever heard.
March 18, 2025
It's like the opposite of cognitive-behavioral treatment: breathe in all the suffering of the cosmos! This was a lot of fun! Turns out everything I hate about other people is just what I hate about myself! Then I tried some Tonglen guided meditations on Insight Timer and they were like, "breathe in the suffering, it's like thick, oily, black smoke..." ! This is like meditation for goths! Further on, it urges you to give up all hope of reward. Yes Yes Yes. Dig it!
July 2, 2021
If I could give this 10 stars I would. This book is a compassionate (though also, in a way, stern) guide to living better, more fully.
Pema Chodron discusses the practice of lojong: breathing in pain, breathing out joy (to oversimplify--and yet actually also exactly that). The core of the teachings is, I believe, the practice of exchanging self for others, for letting go of the illusion that we are separate and embracing the reality of interconnectedness.
Chodron lists and explains a series of "slogans" that embody the teachings. Each one is a powerful tool in overcoming our limited view of who we are and embracing a larger one.
I don't practice lojong myself, at least not usually. But I still find the slogans powerful and helpful guides to living. "Drive all blames onto self" frees me from projecting my anger and limitations onto others; "Keep the 3 inseparable" helps me to remember the intimate connections of thoughts, words, and actions. Some of the slogans were more remote than others but I found in most an immediate and strong connection to myself, my mind, my daily life.
I have read this book several times and learn something each time. It's the kind of book I wish I could just memorize and use on a daily basis. It's not a book to sit back and enjoy but a tool to be consistently, constantly used, re-used, and used again. It is always fresh to me, as though (familiar as it is) read for the first time.
Obviously, I strongly recommend it.
Pema Chodron discusses the practice of lojong: breathing in pain, breathing out joy (to oversimplify--and yet actually also exactly that). The core of the teachings is, I believe, the practice of exchanging self for others, for letting go of the illusion that we are separate and embracing the reality of interconnectedness.
Chodron lists and explains a series of "slogans" that embody the teachings. Each one is a powerful tool in overcoming our limited view of who we are and embracing a larger one.
I don't practice lojong myself, at least not usually. But I still find the slogans powerful and helpful guides to living. "Drive all blames onto self" frees me from projecting my anger and limitations onto others; "Keep the 3 inseparable" helps me to remember the intimate connections of thoughts, words, and actions. Some of the slogans were more remote than others but I found in most an immediate and strong connection to myself, my mind, my daily life.
I have read this book several times and learn something each time. It's the kind of book I wish I could just memorize and use on a daily basis. It's not a book to sit back and enjoy but a tool to be consistently, constantly used, re-used, and used again. It is always fresh to me, as though (familiar as it is) read for the first time.
Obviously, I strongly recommend it.
August 30, 2020
“Don’t seek others’ pain as the limbs of your own happiness”
“Don’t bring things to a painful point” is again saying, “Don’t humiliate people.”
“Keep the three inseparable” is saying that your actions, your speech, and your thoughts should be inseparable from this yearning to communicate from the heart.
[a really lovely book that put into words a lot of things that i want to believe are true about human beings. caveat: i felt that some of her examples rely on false equivalencies, minimization of trauma, and something uncomfortably close to forgiving on behalf of others]
Best Bits:
“Labeling your thoughts as “thinking” will help you see the transparency of thoughts, that things are actually very light and illusory. Every time your stream of thoughts solidifies into a heavy story line that seems to be taking you elsewhere, label that “thinking.” Then you will be able to see how all the passion that’s connected with these thoughts, or all the aggression or all the heartbreak, is simply passing memory.”
“Ego is like a room of your own, a room with a view, with the temperature and the smells and the music that you like. You want it your own way. You’d just like to have a little peace; you’d like to have a little happi- ness, you know, just “gimme a break!”
But the more you think that way, the more you try to get life to come out so that it will always suit you, the more your fear of other people and what’s outside your room grows
The path of not being caught in ego is a process of surrendering to situations in order to communicate rather than win.”
“give something that you find it hard to let go of, something that hurts a little. If you give money, it should be just a little more than you really wanted to give.”
“The happiness we seek cannot be found through grasping, trying to hold on to things. It cannot be found through getting serious and uptight about wanting things to go in the direction that we think will bring happiness. The point is that the happiness we seek is already here and it will be found through relaxation and letting go rather than through struggle
The practice is about softening or relaxing, but it’s also about precision and seeing clearly. None of that implies searching. Searching for happiness prevents us from ever finding it.”
“Therefore the exchange—putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes—doesn’t come from theory, in which you try to imagine what someone else is feeling. It comes from becoming so familiar and so openhearted and so honest about who you are and what you do that you begin to understand humanness altogether and you can speak appropriately to the situation.
The basic ground of compassionate action is the importance of working with rather than struggling against, and what I mean by that is working with your own unwanted, unacceptable stuff, so that when the unacceptable and unwanted appears out there, you relate to it based on having worked with loving-kind- ness for yourself. “
When We’ve Wronged:
1. Regret
2. Refrain
3. Remedial Action
4. Resolution
When We Feel Wronged:
“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart and to relate to that wound”
“We would like to believe that when things are still and calm, that’s the real stuff, and when things are messy, confused, and chaotic, we’ve done something wrong, or more usually someone else has done something to ruin our beautiful meditation.”
“Part of honesty, clear seeing, and straight- forwardness is being able to acknowledge that harm has been done. What’s the difference between seeing that harm has been done and blaming? Perhaps it is that rather than point the finger of blame, we raise questions: “How can I communi- cate? How can I help the harm that has been done unravel itself?”
“You should never have expectations for other people. Just be kind to them.”
“Don’t bring things to a painful point” is again saying, “Don’t humiliate people.”
“Keep the three inseparable” is saying that your actions, your speech, and your thoughts should be inseparable from this yearning to communicate from the heart.
[a really lovely book that put into words a lot of things that i want to believe are true about human beings. caveat: i felt that some of her examples rely on false equivalencies, minimization of trauma, and something uncomfortably close to forgiving on behalf of others]
Best Bits:
“Labeling your thoughts as “thinking” will help you see the transparency of thoughts, that things are actually very light and illusory. Every time your stream of thoughts solidifies into a heavy story line that seems to be taking you elsewhere, label that “thinking.” Then you will be able to see how all the passion that’s connected with these thoughts, or all the aggression or all the heartbreak, is simply passing memory.”
“Ego is like a room of your own, a room with a view, with the temperature and the smells and the music that you like. You want it your own way. You’d just like to have a little peace; you’d like to have a little happi- ness, you know, just “gimme a break!”
But the more you think that way, the more you try to get life to come out so that it will always suit you, the more your fear of other people and what’s outside your room grows
The path of not being caught in ego is a process of surrendering to situations in order to communicate rather than win.”
“give something that you find it hard to let go of, something that hurts a little. If you give money, it should be just a little more than you really wanted to give.”
“The happiness we seek cannot be found through grasping, trying to hold on to things. It cannot be found through getting serious and uptight about wanting things to go in the direction that we think will bring happiness. The point is that the happiness we seek is already here and it will be found through relaxation and letting go rather than through struggle
The practice is about softening or relaxing, but it’s also about precision and seeing clearly. None of that implies searching. Searching for happiness prevents us from ever finding it.”
“Therefore the exchange—putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes—doesn’t come from theory, in which you try to imagine what someone else is feeling. It comes from becoming so familiar and so openhearted and so honest about who you are and what you do that you begin to understand humanness altogether and you can speak appropriately to the situation.
The basic ground of compassionate action is the importance of working with rather than struggling against, and what I mean by that is working with your own unwanted, unacceptable stuff, so that when the unacceptable and unwanted appears out there, you relate to it based on having worked with loving-kind- ness for yourself. “
When We’ve Wronged:
1. Regret
2. Refrain
3. Remedial Action
4. Resolution
When We Feel Wronged:
“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart and to relate to that wound”
“We would like to believe that when things are still and calm, that’s the real stuff, and when things are messy, confused, and chaotic, we’ve done something wrong, or more usually someone else has done something to ruin our beautiful meditation.”
“Part of honesty, clear seeing, and straight- forwardness is being able to acknowledge that harm has been done. What’s the difference between seeing that harm has been done and blaming? Perhaps it is that rather than point the finger of blame, we raise questions: “How can I communi- cate? How can I help the harm that has been done unravel itself?”
“You should never have expectations for other people. Just be kind to them.”
October 27, 2017
Ahhhh, after reading the kinda entertaining 10% Happier that basically said the same thing, but in a normal human person tone this book just reeked of frou frouness. Why are there so many mantras to follow? She describes Metta without calling it Metta, and then proceeds to overcomplicate everything. Maybe I missed the point, and while she made some excellent ones--it felt like a slog of sameness repeated on every page. I do love to meditate and just sit and reflect, but this will not be the book that will guide me in the future.
May 28, 2020
the ideas in this book form a fascinating combination of gentle care and painful challenges.
August 13, 2019
The author informs us in the preface that the book is a guide to awakening your genuine compassionate heart.
When we find that “we are closing down on ourselves and to others, here is instruction on how to open”.
These teachings are called the lojong teachings and include a supportive meditation practice called tonglen.
“Lojong” means “mind training”. The Lojong teachings contain 59 slogans that remind us how to awaken our hearts. The crux of the book is working with these slogans, which belong to the Mahayana school of Buddhism.
“Tonglen” means “taking in and sending out”; this meditation practice helps us connect with the openness and softness of our hearts.
The lojong teachings show us how to use our difficulties and problems to awaken our hearts.
This book stresses that it is unconditional compassion for ourselves that leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others.
True compassion comes from realizing our kinship with all beings.
Pema states that practising sitting meditation and tonglen meditation and working with the lojong slogans in an ongoing way may be “the beginning of learning what it really means to love”.
“This is the path of unconditional compassionate living.”
We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. “We are one blink of an eye from being fully awake.”
The practices presented in this book show us how to accept ourselves, how to relate directly with suffering, how to stop running away from the painful aspects of our lives. “They show us how to work openheartedly with life just as it is.”
The basic sitting meditation is called “shamatha-vipashyana” meditation.
We sit upright with legs crossed and eyes open and become aware of our breath as it goes out. This means “Be fully present”. Being with the breath is only part of the technique. The thoughts that run through our mind continually are the other part. When we realize we’ve been thinking we say to ourselves – “thinking”. No matter what the sort of thoughts, we label it all “thinking”.
Our tone of voice needs to be compassionate, gentle and humorous. “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.”
As regards the lojong practice, the basic notion is that we can make friends with what we see as “bad” in ourselves and in other people. At the same time we could learn to be generous with what we see as “good”. If we live in this way, something that may have been buried for a long time begins to ripen. This “something” is called “bodhichitta”, or awakened heart.
With the lojong practice we learn to embrace what is painful and let it awaken our heart and soften us. And we should be generous with our insights and delights, share them.
“The pleasurable aspects of being human as well as the painful ones become the key to awakening bodhichitta.”
Pema presents us with many slogans. The first one is “Regard all dharma as dreams.” This means “regard everything as a dream”.
Most of the slogans are hard to understand and the author has to interpret them for us.
“Self-liberate even the antidote” means “simply touch and then let go of whatever you come up with”.
If you follow the breath and label your thoughts, you learn to let things go.
There are three main poisons – passion, aggression and ignorance. Generally, we either act out or repress, i.e. either physically or mentally attack people, talk about how awful they are or else we repress these feelings.
One of the main instructions of the lojong teachings is “don’t try to make unwanted feelings go away”.
In the tonglen practice we breathe in painful and undesirable tings, feel our own and others’ pain and breathe out feelings of delight and relief.
We connect with what all humans feel and develop our kinship with all beings. We radiate out the good things and share them.
Whether we are breathing in or breathing out we are opening the heart and awakening bodhichitta.
Pema writes simply, goes into detail with everything and is repetitive to help us take in the teachings. She provides exemplifying stories from her own life, showing us she herself has the same feelings and challenges as we do.
I found the book to be easy to read, deeply illuminating and enjoyable.
In my view this book is even better than the previous book of Pema’s – “Awakening Loving-Kindness” - that I reviewed. And recommend that you begin with the present one. However, she has written several books, and I will be continuing with some of these.
When we find that “we are closing down on ourselves and to others, here is instruction on how to open”.
These teachings are called the lojong teachings and include a supportive meditation practice called tonglen.
“Lojong” means “mind training”. The Lojong teachings contain 59 slogans that remind us how to awaken our hearts. The crux of the book is working with these slogans, which belong to the Mahayana school of Buddhism.
“Tonglen” means “taking in and sending out”; this meditation practice helps us connect with the openness and softness of our hearts.
The lojong teachings show us how to use our difficulties and problems to awaken our hearts.
This book stresses that it is unconditional compassion for ourselves that leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others.
True compassion comes from realizing our kinship with all beings.
Pema states that practising sitting meditation and tonglen meditation and working with the lojong slogans in an ongoing way may be “the beginning of learning what it really means to love”.
“This is the path of unconditional compassionate living.”
We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. “We are one blink of an eye from being fully awake.”
The practices presented in this book show us how to accept ourselves, how to relate directly with suffering, how to stop running away from the painful aspects of our lives. “They show us how to work openheartedly with life just as it is.”
The basic sitting meditation is called “shamatha-vipashyana” meditation.
We sit upright with legs crossed and eyes open and become aware of our breath as it goes out. This means “Be fully present”. Being with the breath is only part of the technique. The thoughts that run through our mind continually are the other part. When we realize we’ve been thinking we say to ourselves – “thinking”. No matter what the sort of thoughts, we label it all “thinking”.
Our tone of voice needs to be compassionate, gentle and humorous. “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.”
As regards the lojong practice, the basic notion is that we can make friends with what we see as “bad” in ourselves and in other people. At the same time we could learn to be generous with what we see as “good”. If we live in this way, something that may have been buried for a long time begins to ripen. This “something” is called “bodhichitta”, or awakened heart.
With the lojong practice we learn to embrace what is painful and let it awaken our heart and soften us. And we should be generous with our insights and delights, share them.
“The pleasurable aspects of being human as well as the painful ones become the key to awakening bodhichitta.”
Pema presents us with many slogans. The first one is “Regard all dharma as dreams.” This means “regard everything as a dream”.
Most of the slogans are hard to understand and the author has to interpret them for us.
“Self-liberate even the antidote” means “simply touch and then let go of whatever you come up with”.
If you follow the breath and label your thoughts, you learn to let things go.
There are three main poisons – passion, aggression and ignorance. Generally, we either act out or repress, i.e. either physically or mentally attack people, talk about how awful they are or else we repress these feelings.
One of the main instructions of the lojong teachings is “don’t try to make unwanted feelings go away”.
In the tonglen practice we breathe in painful and undesirable tings, feel our own and others’ pain and breathe out feelings of delight and relief.
We connect with what all humans feel and develop our kinship with all beings. We radiate out the good things and share them.
Whether we are breathing in or breathing out we are opening the heart and awakening bodhichitta.
Pema writes simply, goes into detail with everything and is repetitive to help us take in the teachings. She provides exemplifying stories from her own life, showing us she herself has the same feelings and challenges as we do.
I found the book to be easy to read, deeply illuminating and enjoyable.
In my view this book is even better than the previous book of Pema’s – “Awakening Loving-Kindness” - that I reviewed. And recommend that you begin with the present one. However, she has written several books, and I will be continuing with some of these.
January 4, 2017
"I think that all of us are like eagles who have forgotten we know how to fly."
When I read Pema Chödrön's books, I feel I'm looking at long-long instructions for how to make the most of life, how to realize our human potential, how to get along with each other and with everything.
She is a genius of a teacher, able to take the most arcane texts and ideas and make them accessible to me. Even better, she gives me the confidence to try, and fail, and try again. I may never attain what she has attained, but I can take a step. For that, I will always be grateful.
When I read Pema Chödrön's books, I feel I'm looking at long-long instructions for how to make the most of life, how to realize our human potential, how to get along with each other and with everything.
She is a genius of a teacher, able to take the most arcane texts and ideas and make them accessible to me. Even better, she gives me the confidence to try, and fail, and try again. I may never attain what she has attained, but I can take a step. For that, I will always be grateful.
June 17, 2015
Pema Chodron is my hero. She writes about living according to Buddhist doctrine so simply and clearly, so attuned to the difficulties of being a human being on the planet, that she makes enlightenment appear as it really is: a doable process, not an untouchable goal. This book is especially interesting for its treatment of the lojong "slogans" - little kernals of Buddhist teachings like "Abandon any hope of fruition" - and style of meditation practice that encourages compassion.
January 14, 2022
A beautiful and insightful book. Pema's teachings are full of gentleness and compassion, guiding us to let go and quite simply to start where we are.
October 24, 2023
Here are some of the things I learned from this book.
Lojong teachings share the unusual message that we can use our difficulties and problems to awaken our hearts. Unconditional compassion for ourselves is what leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others. If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them. True compassion does not come from wanting to help out those less fortunate than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings.
The Lojong teachings propose that we could relate compassionately with that which we prefer to push away, and we could learn to give away and share that which we hold most dear.
As we dwell in sitting meditation and practice labeling thoughts, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. By knowing yourself, you’re coming to know humanness altogether. It is important to not be harsh with ourselves here, let our labeling of thoughts be compassionate and gentle and humorous. Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.
Lojong teachings encourage use to think of other people and wish for them to feel what we’re feeling when we are enjoying what we are experiencing. Be generous with your joy. Instead of fearing that our insights and delights are going to slip away and trying to hold onto them, share them.
These practices help us to develop trust in our awakened heart, our Bodhichitta.
Sitting here being gentle with ourselves, we’re rediscovering something. Like a mother reuniting with her child; having been lost to eachother for a long, long time, they reunite. The way to reunite with bodhichatta is to lighten up in your practice and in your whole life.
She talks about the Three Objects, Three Poisons, and Three Seeds of Virtue. The three main poisons are passion, aggression, and ignorance. It is important to not repress any of these, but to recognize when they’re present and do embrace them. Tonglen practice helps us to breathe in the sources of pain, and to refrain from resisting them, and rather surrender. You surrender to yourself, you acknowledge who you are, you honor yourself. Similarly, for the things that bring us delight, connect with what about it is inspiring or relieving, and breathe it out to others.
Tonglen practice has four stages. First is a flashing openness to give us a calm space. Second is working with the texture, to breathe in the dark heavy and hot while breathing out tue white light and cool. Third is working with relieving a specific, heartfelt instance of suffering. The fourth is extending that wish to help everyone. It is important to not get caught up in the storyline of each persons suffering, so when you project that relief to everyone, it is not specific to any one story, and resonates with any core human suffering.
She also talks about how when the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of enlightenment. She encourages you to use the unwanted and unfavorable circumstances in life as the actual material of awakening. Whatever occurs isn’t considered to be an interruption or an obstacle, but a way to wake up. This is a very powerful and succinct way to help us overcome the trap of dejection and stubbornness that usually comes with feeling defeat or overwhelming.
She also identifies ego as a room of our own, with a view and temperature and smell and music just as we like. Trying to reside here all of the time will cause us to try to get life to always come out to suit you, and the more your fear of other people and what’s outside your room grows. Instead of becoming more relaxed, you pull down the blinds and lock the door. When you do get out, you’ll find the experience more unsettling and disagreeable. The more you fight to get it your way, the less you feel at home. To develop compassion for others, you have to unlock the door. As you befriend the feelings of the fear that somebody you might not like comes through the door, you can begin to open it. This is a great analysis of the feeling of trying to control, and offers a path around that, while still finding peace with our life’s conditions.
She goes onto teach the slogan of “Drive all blames into one”. With this, we begin to imagine what it feels like to blame someone else. What’s actually under all that talking and conversation about how wrong somebody or something is? What does blame feel like in your stomach? When these really unresolved issues of our lives come up, we are no longer trying to escape but are beginning to be curious and open towards these parts of ourselves. Drive All Blames into One doesn’t mean to blame yourself instead of other people, it means to touch in with what blame feels like altogether. Instead of guarding yourself and pushing things away, begin to get in touch with the fact that there’s a very soft spot under all that armor, and blame id probably one of the most well-perfected armors that we have.
As we dive into the slogan “Be grateful to everyone”, we make peace with the aspects of ourselves that we have rejected. The people who repel us unwittingly show us the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can’t see.
On overcoming resistance, we have four practices that help us. First, accumulating merit. The way to accumulate merit is to be willing to give willing to open, willing to not hold back. It is described as letting go of holding onto yourself, letting go of your stronghold of ego go. Instead of collecting things for yourself you open and give them away. As a result of opening yourself, you begin to experience your world as more friendly. That’s merit. You find it easier to practice the dharma, you have fewer kleshas, and circumstances seem to be hospitable.
Second, purifying our negative actions. This segment is about acknowledgement and gentle forgiveness. This is not a confession, rather it is a self reflection for us to honestly see what we do and develop a yearning to take off our dark colored glasses. This has a few stages. Regret, Refraining, Remedial Action, and Resolution. Regret comes from us being mindful and it becoming harder than ever to hide from ourselves. It is the realization that you’re tired of eating poison or the constant complaint to ourselves. Refraining comes from the observation it’s painful to see how in spite of everything we’ve come to regret, we continue our behavior. In our pursuit, this goes with “One day at a time”. Remedial action is where we do something about what we noticed from these first two items. It’s important here to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha because they all are examples for us to look to of others facing their challenges as well and that we can do it too. Resolution is where we resolve not to repeat the behavior once we have corrected it.
Third, feeding the ghosts. This is where we relate to our unreasonableness. Specifically the kind of unreasonableness that comes up out of nowhere like when we all the sudden are very sad, or very angry with a situation. You can make a relationship with the ghosts which are the negative aspects of ourselves, by physically them something physical like a cake. There is an incantation that says “Not only do I not want you to go away, you can come back any time you like. And here, have some cake”. We invite them back because they show us when we have lost our mindfulness.
Fourth, offering to the protectors. We look to the protectors that help us preserve our mindfulness. They serve as a big “No”. This is like a bell that returns us to mindfulness when we stray off. We offer to the protectors and they help remind us to return, like when we storm off angry and stub our toe, they are a subtle reminder to return to ourselves.
These practices help us to overcome resistance, the best path for transforming bad circumstance into the way of enlightenment.
Peña talks about the big squeeze. This represents a state where we find that our ideals and the reality of what’s really happening don’t match. This serves as an inflection point in our life’s, where we can use all of the teachings and practices that we’ve learned and begin to slowly but surely begin acting them out in our lives, no matter how far from our path the situations throw us.
Overall, I enjoyed these teachings on compassion from Pema Chodron. Many of the lessons taught in this book urge me to get deeper into meditation practice. This book allowed me to notice that I am the colorblind doctor who is a technical expert on colors. I have been accumulating so much knowledge of what it means to meditate and how to best shape its experience, but I have been so far removed from the experience itself up to this point. Very soon I will attempt to get into practice. I have been so clingy to holding onto my thoughts that it has been almost a threat to go into a space where I can be so tender to them and let them go. I had a harder time following the book because so many of the lessons were related to really sitting down with ourself and lowering our defenses. This calls for a very vulnerable state which is a lot to overcome. I’d say that I’ll get there eventually, but as the book title suggests, I really can start where I am. I think if I come back to this book a little while later on my path, I can extract a lot more out of it than I was able to this time around.
Lojong teachings share the unusual message that we can use our difficulties and problems to awaken our hearts. Unconditional compassion for ourselves is what leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others. If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them. True compassion does not come from wanting to help out those less fortunate than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings.
The Lojong teachings propose that we could relate compassionately with that which we prefer to push away, and we could learn to give away and share that which we hold most dear.
As we dwell in sitting meditation and practice labeling thoughts, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. By knowing yourself, you’re coming to know humanness altogether. It is important to not be harsh with ourselves here, let our labeling of thoughts be compassionate and gentle and humorous. Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.
Lojong teachings encourage use to think of other people and wish for them to feel what we’re feeling when we are enjoying what we are experiencing. Be generous with your joy. Instead of fearing that our insights and delights are going to slip away and trying to hold onto them, share them.
These practices help us to develop trust in our awakened heart, our Bodhichitta.
Sitting here being gentle with ourselves, we’re rediscovering something. Like a mother reuniting with her child; having been lost to eachother for a long, long time, they reunite. The way to reunite with bodhichatta is to lighten up in your practice and in your whole life.
She talks about the Three Objects, Three Poisons, and Three Seeds of Virtue. The three main poisons are passion, aggression, and ignorance. It is important to not repress any of these, but to recognize when they’re present and do embrace them. Tonglen practice helps us to breathe in the sources of pain, and to refrain from resisting them, and rather surrender. You surrender to yourself, you acknowledge who you are, you honor yourself. Similarly, for the things that bring us delight, connect with what about it is inspiring or relieving, and breathe it out to others.
Tonglen practice has four stages. First is a flashing openness to give us a calm space. Second is working with the texture, to breathe in the dark heavy and hot while breathing out tue white light and cool. Third is working with relieving a specific, heartfelt instance of suffering. The fourth is extending that wish to help everyone. It is important to not get caught up in the storyline of each persons suffering, so when you project that relief to everyone, it is not specific to any one story, and resonates with any core human suffering.
She also talks about how when the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of enlightenment. She encourages you to use the unwanted and unfavorable circumstances in life as the actual material of awakening. Whatever occurs isn’t considered to be an interruption or an obstacle, but a way to wake up. This is a very powerful and succinct way to help us overcome the trap of dejection and stubbornness that usually comes with feeling defeat or overwhelming.
She also identifies ego as a room of our own, with a view and temperature and smell and music just as we like. Trying to reside here all of the time will cause us to try to get life to always come out to suit you, and the more your fear of other people and what’s outside your room grows. Instead of becoming more relaxed, you pull down the blinds and lock the door. When you do get out, you’ll find the experience more unsettling and disagreeable. The more you fight to get it your way, the less you feel at home. To develop compassion for others, you have to unlock the door. As you befriend the feelings of the fear that somebody you might not like comes through the door, you can begin to open it. This is a great analysis of the feeling of trying to control, and offers a path around that, while still finding peace with our life’s conditions.
She goes onto teach the slogan of “Drive all blames into one”. With this, we begin to imagine what it feels like to blame someone else. What’s actually under all that talking and conversation about how wrong somebody or something is? What does blame feel like in your stomach? When these really unresolved issues of our lives come up, we are no longer trying to escape but are beginning to be curious and open towards these parts of ourselves. Drive All Blames into One doesn’t mean to blame yourself instead of other people, it means to touch in with what blame feels like altogether. Instead of guarding yourself and pushing things away, begin to get in touch with the fact that there’s a very soft spot under all that armor, and blame id probably one of the most well-perfected armors that we have.
As we dive into the slogan “Be grateful to everyone”, we make peace with the aspects of ourselves that we have rejected. The people who repel us unwittingly show us the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can’t see.
On overcoming resistance, we have four practices that help us. First, accumulating merit. The way to accumulate merit is to be willing to give willing to open, willing to not hold back. It is described as letting go of holding onto yourself, letting go of your stronghold of ego go. Instead of collecting things for yourself you open and give them away. As a result of opening yourself, you begin to experience your world as more friendly. That’s merit. You find it easier to practice the dharma, you have fewer kleshas, and circumstances seem to be hospitable.
Second, purifying our negative actions. This segment is about acknowledgement and gentle forgiveness. This is not a confession, rather it is a self reflection for us to honestly see what we do and develop a yearning to take off our dark colored glasses. This has a few stages. Regret, Refraining, Remedial Action, and Resolution. Regret comes from us being mindful and it becoming harder than ever to hide from ourselves. It is the realization that you’re tired of eating poison or the constant complaint to ourselves. Refraining comes from the observation it’s painful to see how in spite of everything we’ve come to regret, we continue our behavior. In our pursuit, this goes with “One day at a time”. Remedial action is where we do something about what we noticed from these first two items. It’s important here to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha because they all are examples for us to look to of others facing their challenges as well and that we can do it too. Resolution is where we resolve not to repeat the behavior once we have corrected it.
Third, feeding the ghosts. This is where we relate to our unreasonableness. Specifically the kind of unreasonableness that comes up out of nowhere like when we all the sudden are very sad, or very angry with a situation. You can make a relationship with the ghosts which are the negative aspects of ourselves, by physically them something physical like a cake. There is an incantation that says “Not only do I not want you to go away, you can come back any time you like. And here, have some cake”. We invite them back because they show us when we have lost our mindfulness.
Fourth, offering to the protectors. We look to the protectors that help us preserve our mindfulness. They serve as a big “No”. This is like a bell that returns us to mindfulness when we stray off. We offer to the protectors and they help remind us to return, like when we storm off angry and stub our toe, they are a subtle reminder to return to ourselves.
These practices help us to overcome resistance, the best path for transforming bad circumstance into the way of enlightenment.
Peña talks about the big squeeze. This represents a state where we find that our ideals and the reality of what’s really happening don’t match. This serves as an inflection point in our life’s, where we can use all of the teachings and practices that we’ve learned and begin to slowly but surely begin acting them out in our lives, no matter how far from our path the situations throw us.
Overall, I enjoyed these teachings on compassion from Pema Chodron. Many of the lessons taught in this book urge me to get deeper into meditation practice. This book allowed me to notice that I am the colorblind doctor who is a technical expert on colors. I have been accumulating so much knowledge of what it means to meditate and how to best shape its experience, but I have been so far removed from the experience itself up to this point. Very soon I will attempt to get into practice. I have been so clingy to holding onto my thoughts that it has been almost a threat to go into a space where I can be so tender to them and let them go. I had a harder time following the book because so many of the lessons were related to really sitting down with ourself and lowering our defenses. This calls for a very vulnerable state which is a lot to overcome. I’d say that I’ll get there eventually, but as the book title suggests, I really can start where I am. I think if I come back to this book a little while later on my path, I can extract a lot more out of it than I was able to this time around.
September 30, 2024
I am sickened to learn that Pema Chodron has been complicit to the sexual abuse in the lineage. Many women reported abuse to her, Judith Simmer-Brown and Judy Leaf. They did nothing. Pema never stepped down as a teacher. She never retired. She gave up her title. Everyone gave up their titles. This isn’t a virtuous gesture.
Before you lay into me with your defense for this woman, I strongly suggest you Google Shambhala sexual abuse. The history of rape, child molestation and abuse is endless and g continues to this day. Her head monk was just charged with voyeurism at her monastery - Gampo Abbey. The money from the books we buy goes to continue supporting this sick organization. It is absolutely heartbreaking to me she has become an apologist and has never come to support the victims.
https://matthewremski.medium.com/the-...
https://www.gurumag.com/pema-chodron-...
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-s...
I have more esteem for my spiritual development than to follow a sham.
Before you lay into me with your defense for this woman, I strongly suggest you Google Shambhala sexual abuse. The history of rape, child molestation and abuse is endless and g continues to this day. Her head monk was just charged with voyeurism at her monastery - Gampo Abbey. The money from the books we buy goes to continue supporting this sick organization. It is absolutely heartbreaking to me she has become an apologist and has never come to support the victims.
https://matthewremski.medium.com/the-...
https://www.gurumag.com/pema-chodron-...
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-s...
I have more esteem for my spiritual development than to follow a sham.
August 31, 2007
I would have had a difficult time with this book if I had not been meditating and reading up on the subject for a while. It seems to have been derived from a series of talks on mind training "lojong", a certain teaching that incorporates slogans to reflect upon. Despite the jargon, she keeps up a friendly, chatty tone while presenting intense ideas about how to approach the experience of having a brain with thoughts and emotions. It's given me some new tools to work with. Thanks, Pema!
January 27, 2008
I learned to dig deep into myself, both the parts I like and the parts I don't like, know them and live with them gracefully. I feel like a new, positive, confident person able to say and do what comes from my genuine self, my genuine open-hearted desires. A must read for anyone feeling lost or troubled.
November 17, 2018
Fantastic, awe-inspiring and truly humbling
This book forced u to accept those parts of urself which u have been successful hiding for a long time. The words are so simple yet so profound. The practices seem so easy but takes enomorous will power to achieve. Truly mesmerizing. It is like a mirror which tries to show u, your real zelf
This book forced u to accept those parts of urself which u have been successful hiding for a long time. The words are so simple yet so profound. The practices seem so easy but takes enomorous will power to achieve. Truly mesmerizing. It is like a mirror which tries to show u, your real zelf
June 3, 2017
This book was a gift when I began my Buddhist practice, and I can't recommend it enough. Being an American, Pema Chödrön's writing is extremely approachable for other western readers.
March 29, 2022
Empty platitudes and no practical advice
April 14, 2023
230413: very good. use of 'slogans' is first annoying, soon reveals oral nature of text, finally sums up in useful appendix Root Text of Seven Points of Training the Mind. this is certainly more buddhism as psychology, with many vignettes, case histories, than philosophy or religion. as always pema chodron as made buddhism accessible, coherent, interesting...
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