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Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Paul T. Mason,

Randi Kreger

really liked it 4.00 · Rating details · 8,929 ratings · 654 reviews

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this self-destructive disorder and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how ...more

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Hardcover, 258 pages

Published July 1st 1998 by New Harbinger Publications (first published 1998)

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Start your review of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

May 15, 2007 Steve rated it it was amazing

Recommends it for: Anyone who deals with difficult people

Shelves: self-help

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a surprisingly common problem, and it often coexists with alcoholism and/or drug addiction. We all know people with BPD, although we may not know that scientific label. People with BPD can be maddeningly difficult to deal with, irrational, manipulative, and often, downright mean. After I divorced my wife, who suffered from BPD (OK, the whole family suffered from her BPD), this book became my bible, my lifeline. My therapist recommended it, and I'll be for ...more

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Aug 16, 2009 Shanon rated it did not like it

My heart stopped when I found this book on my now Ex boyfriend's bookshelf. He came home from work to find me reading it and the expression on his face was absolute shame and horror. It disappeared the next day when he left for work, but the damage was already done.

I DESPISED this book. It presents BPD as a burden on the lives of those people "unfortunate" enough to care for someone who has it. It focuses on "surviving the ordeal" rather than helping them find ways to cope with the fallout while ...more

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Jul 06, 2013 Sarina rated it did not like it

Grossly insensitive and inaccurate.

(If you are someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I highly recommend trashing this crap and never looking back. Or at least never reading the online reviews - here or elsewhere. You will find a boatload of people thanking God that they do not have to "deal with" anyone who has BPD, when they actually mean the examples Stop Walking on Eggshells uses to demonize all sufferers. It coins the term 'borderline' as something that stands for manipulative, abus Grossly insensitive and inaccurate.

(If you are someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I highly recommend trashing this crap and never looking back. Or at least never reading the online reviews - here or elsewhere. You will find a boatload of people thanking God that they do not have to "deal with" anyone who has BPD, when they actually mean the examples Stop Walking on Eggshells uses to demonize all sufferers. It coins the term 'borderline' as something that stands for manipulative, abusive, and downright hateful behavior, as if that is what singly qualifies a borderline diagnosis or is impossible not to be if you are borderline. That completely erases those who are not manipulative, abusive, or hateful, or to those who express those emotions inwardly, becoming self-destructive. This would not have such a negative effect if the book did not ENCOURAGE self-diagnosing your family members.

What results is disbelief that Borderline Personality Disorder exists at all, that it is people simply choosing to misbehave. Eggshells promotes an unhealthy BPD/Non-BPD relationship in some manners: affirming those without BPD, vilifying the borderline, and suggesting very little coping techniques for either. Unless you count completely separating yourself from the borderline who is an inherently disgusting evil careless immoral person, as if this disgusting evil careless immoral person's biggest fear is not already invalidation and abandonment. But that would not fill up 258 sensationalized pages, would it?

By the way, from what I have gathered, the authors are just medical journalists - not practicing physicians. Something to consider. I recommend checking out Dr. Marsha Linehan's work; she developed Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is scientifically proven to help cure/soothe Borderline Personality Disorder. That's right - it does not just mask the symptoms of someone who is suffering from BPD to convenience their friends and family!

And before someone, like, internet slaps me or whatever, I just want to say that it is not easy to love someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I imagine it does feel like walking on eggshells. However, if you truly care for this person, this is not the book to utilize; something so judgmental and demeaning, on both sides of the pond, is not going to work when an extremely sensitive person is involved. It is best to approach the situation with understanding and compassion, as is easy to understand when presented with accurate portrayals of Borderline Personality Disorder and not just abusive, difficult behavior.

Good luck, everyone. ♥) ...more

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Mar 15, 2014 Elyse Walters added it · review of another edition

The little question above me: "What did I think"?

At THIS time in my life ---reading this book was often more 'reflection' and 'memory' (of some challenging painful daily years) .....Active duty?/! --- than it is today. Yet ---emotions are/were felt, and from time-to-time, I still bump up against "situations" (so to speak).

Borderline was just a 'very new' word years ago ---just being tossed around ---at the time when I might have benefited from more understanding and support.

After reading "Wal ...more

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Mar 11, 2009 Dave O'Neal rated it liked it

As the child of a borderline mother, I found this particularly helpful in understanding the point of view of borderlines and for gaining some useful tactics on how to deal with them--the "spolier" here being that there's no particularly satisfying way, just some ways that work to a degree and others that you learn not even to try.
The authors are optomistic about borderlines being able to crawl out of their mental prison, once they recognize they've got a problem--and therein lies the problem fo ...more

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Aug 09, 2011 Vrinda Pendred rated it did not like it

Shelves: non-fiction, no-no-no-no-no

This book is basically a guide to how to extricate yourself from friends and family and lovers who have BPD...and never speak to them again, because they are awful destructive people with no feelings to respect. It is one of the most offensive, disgusting, prejudiced books I've ever read and I'm shocked it's allowed in print. Not once does it ever suggest maybe you could HELP the person because it terrifies them too. ...more

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Jul 29, 2012 Nicole rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This book helped to free me from an extremely painful relationship with a Borderline/Narcissist. It finally put a name on what the person was and what they were doing to me. My world is a better place because of this book.

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Jan 21, 2012 Palilicium rated it did not like it

For a more thorough overview please read Seeking Myself's review, I agree with their critiques of the book completely.

This book may be useful for dealing with people with difficult or abusive behaviour, but it unfortunately conflates that behaviour with BPD and gives a very inaccurate picture of the disorder. It also encourages people to self-diagnose friends and family with BPD. The author even admits that she wrote the book because of a relationship with someone that she thought had BPD despit ...more

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Jan 08, 2021 Allison Hurd rated it liked it

Shelves: nonfiction

I read this because it was billed as being a good primer for boundary setting (which 2020 has sorely tested--everyone needs more right now than anyone can give, and yet still it seems we all keep asking the impossible of each other) and a good intro to BPD, which impacts my life in various ways.

My takeaways:

-A good primer for people without BPD. This is not for people who want to learn about their condition. It is a place for people without it to be upset/scared/angry/validated at some of the th I read this because it was billed as being a good primer for boundary setting (which 2020 has sorely tested--everyone needs more right now than anyone can give, and yet still it seems we all keep asking the impossible of each other) and a good intro to BPD, which impacts my life in various ways.

My takeaways:

-A good primer for people without BPD. This is not for people who want to learn about their condition. It is a place for people without it to be upset/scared/angry/validated at some of the things BPD makes more likely to happen. In that sense, I think it does a really good job. It explains the symptoms and brain connections of someone with BPD in a way that others might be able to understand, and holds lots of space for the difficulty of loving anyone with mental illness, but in this specific case, BPD.

-Boundary setting. I think where this book excelled was in how it explains that boundary setting isn't easy, but it makes things easier in the long run because they're about love for yourself, not anger or hate for the person who is pushing at them. There were a lot of great mental exercises and leading questions to help find where a real boundary existed, where something could be relaxed, and how to forgive yourself when you didn't succeed.

-Coping. Another thing this was good at was helping provide real, concrete ways to cope when someone is having a really bad time around you. Again, I think a lot of this could be used generally, but BPD does have a few specific triggers or concerns that this targets more specifically. But very good for handling people who have "black and white thinking," anger issues, unpredictable moods, flipflopping, attachment issues and suicidal ideation. I don't mean this pejoratively. People with mental illness, myself included, deserve love and care, but sometimes we do have to be handled a bit. When we reach the spot our brains try to trick us, the people who love us have to be able to either protect their own safety or help us regain ours, and these are very different skills than those for coming out of a panic attack or depressive episode.

-Distinguishing between abuse and an episode. I really liked this one sentence in particular. Paraphrased, it's "there's a great deal of difference between loving, accepting and supporting a person and loving, accepting and supporting their behavior." I think this is a line we are struggling with right now, and I really like how simply this book said it and started to set out how each of us gets to pick what we'll tolerate, how long, and what we need to make it better.

A few things I didn't like. It talks about "curing" people with BPD which is hard for me. I don't think I need to be "cured" of my anxiety. I don't think I *can* be cured. I can treat it and manage it, but I feel it's hurtful to treat people with mental illness as broken in some way, and feel it is a bit of a lie and possibly harmful to hint that you can remove this part of your life if only you try hard enough. Curing is for removing outside, malignant things from our bodies. I have complicated feeling around that and chronic illness.

Also, this is focused mostly on people who are at the end of their rope--parents who are thinking of sending their children to in-treatment care, partners who are thinking of divorce and so on. The portrayal of BPD is almost entirely very severe BPD probably with intense co-morbidities. Lots of people with BPD, and people who love people with BPD are dealing with much less dramatic forms of the problem. But I will say that this book did a pretty good job not judging anyone for either leaving because they couldn't maintain the relationship or staying because their love is greater than their fear during bad times.

A quick, insightful read, but likely not the Bible on coping with BPD. ...more

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Sep 23, 2013 Loy Machedo rated it it was amazing

The Background of how I came to read this book
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

When one of my friends admitted to me his wife had a Borderline Personality Disorder, I quizzically wondered what in the world did he mean that. His wife looked perfectly normal to me and they did look like a happy couple - at least on the outside. However, after he shared with me a few intimate details - ...more

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Dec 10, 2015 Charlene rated it did not like it

Shelves: abnormal-psych, authors-who-want-to-make-a-buck

Another abnormal psych book that fails to use evidence as the basis for diagnoses. If the individual does x, then they have BPD. If they do the complete opposite of x, they still might have BPD. It's clearly a catch all. You can imagine diagnosing various people in your life with BPD. There are many stories. If one doesn't fit, just jump ahead to another one.

At times the authors succeed in painting a more cohesive picture of actual patterns, the biggest theme being one involving desperation to ...more

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Sep 24, 2020 Krista rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, 2020, arc

What’s left when we must consistently walk on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences, and lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we’re happy when we’re not. We say that everything is fine when it isn’t. What used to be a graceful dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves.

I read Stop Walking on Eggshells becau

What’s left when we must consistently walk on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences, and lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we’re happy when we’re not. We say that everything is fine when it isn’t. What used to be a graceful dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves.

I read Stop Walking on Eggshells because I know someone with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and their psychiatric nurse recommended this book as a resource for friends and family of those with BPD. I confess to not knowing much about BPD before picking this up, and the person I know doesn’t suffer from the violent/manipulative/self-harming outbursts that are described in this book, but for those who find themselves constantly “walking on eggshells” around loved ones with the disorder, I can see how this would be valuable. It should be stressed that this is a self help book for those who know someone with BPD, not a resource for those with the diagnosis, but if you need help “taking your life back” (as per the subtitle), the authors outline many helpful tips: from setting boundaries and active listening to calling 911 and documenting spousal abuse before a divorce or custody hearing. The writing is informal and accessible, includes countless stories from people with BPD and those around them, and certainly seems to fill a need. (Note: I read an ARC of the upcoming Third Edition of this book and passages quoted may not be in their final forms.)

It may be obvious to you that the person in your life with BPD needs help. But it may not be obvious to him or her. For people with BPD, admitting that anything about them is less than perfect, let alone acknowledging that they may have a personality disorder, can send them into a spiral of shame and self-doubt. Imagine feeling empty, virtually without a self. Now think about admitting that what little self you can recognize has something wrong with it. To many people with BPD, this is like ceasing to exist — a terrifying feeling for anyone.

In several places, the authors stress that clinicians often fail to identify BPD, or mistake it for bipolar disorder (confusingly, 10-20% of those with BPD also have bipolar disorder), or refuse to believe that adolescents can have a personality disorder, or mistakenly believe that BPD always stems from an abusive childhood...this seems a slippery diagnosis and I now feel only marginally better informed about the disorder’s manifestations. A baseline presentation might be:

People show wild mood swings; see other people in black and white; act impulsively; are highly (and easily) triggered by real or imagined abandonment; and seem to either hate people or love them. These kinds of behaviors lead to intense and unmanageable relationships.

By way of explanation, the authors write:

The brain of someone with borderline personality disorder is biochemically different from most people’s. In a person with BPD, both their brain structure and their brain chemistry regularly turn on their emotional centres to full strength. Imagine a big, muscled bully pounding the logical centres of your brain into submission. That’s what it’s like for people with BPD. And, long after most people would have cooled down, the bully is still throwing punches — and your loved one is still upset.

Yet, in another place:

BPD is a personality disorder that is diagnosed by a person’s behavior, not through any biochemical measurement. BPD moods are typically more intense than bipolar moods; they also tend to change more quickly and more frequently.

Despite this biochemical component, they write that medication isn’t helpful for the disorder itself (although those with BPD might be prescribed something for depression, moodiness, or impulsivity), but encouragingly, the disorder can be cured through tools such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy or Cognitive Behavior Therapy — the only wrinkle being that those with the disorder tend to resist therapy. Understanding all of this doesn’t really alleviate the pain of an abusive relationship, and ultimately, Stop Walking on Eggshells is a resource for a person on the receiving end of this abuse. The book includes such helpful advice as:

Understanding the difference between causes and triggers of borderline behavior is crucial to taking the behavior less personally. You can trigger borderline behavior quite easily as you go about your day. That doesn’t mean, however, that you caused the behavior.

And:

Feelings don’t have IQs. They just are. Sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, annoyance, frustration — all are normal, and to be expected by people faced with borderline behavior. This is true no matter what your relationship is to the person with BPD. This doesn’t mean that you should respond to your loved one with anger. But it does mean that you need a safe place to vent your emotions and feel accepted, not judged.

The authors describe in detail: how to be a “mirror” (and reflect back the other person’s emotions) instead of a “sponge” when interacting with a person with BPD; they give the reader permission to finally break off relationships with abusive and manipulative parents, adult children, and partners; they even lay out some general legal advice and provide resources for male victims of domestic violence. This book is filled with plenty of such valuable information, and for those looking for a way to “take their lives back”, I hope they find it here. ...more

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Dec 10, 2015 Jason Conrad rated it did not like it

Words to describe this book: vile, insensitive, and shameful. This book is victim-blaming at its absolute finest. People with this disorder already have difficulties with criticism, regulating emotions, self-esteem, and the way people view them. Writing a book that attacks them for that is definitely a great idea, right? This is rubbish and shames people for having a disorder that is beyond their control. Also, how selfish can the authors get? "Taking Back your life" ? Let's not even consider th ...more

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Apr 24, 2015 shawnee rated it did not like it

Recommends it for: No one. Ever.

Recommended to shawnee by: stupid internet

Shelves: health-and-wellness

The blame game doesn't work in any relationship - even ones involving BPD. Best advice to establish and maintain a healthy balance in your relationship? Don't read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

The Stop Walking on Eggshells books by Kreger are, in my opinion, some of the worst "resources" someone with BPD or a loved one could read. It basically invalidates people with BPD and validates every loved ones actions - not healthy. The book encourages them to challenge the person with BPD, rather than un ...more

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Jun 19, 2012 Jess Lilja rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

This book is great if you have a family member suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. So many of the BPD focus on the people who have the illness and how family members can bend over backwards to help them while suffering the most abuse, but this book is supportive, offers helpful advice, and is easy to read. And, if like me, you just need to take a break for a while, this book lets you know that not only is it okay, it's sometimes the right thing to do. ...more

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Jan 13, 2019 Driver rated it it was amazing · review of another edition

Shelves: psychology-nonfiction, own-ebook, own-print, relationship-and-sexuality, cluster-b, health-mental

This is a fantastic resource for anyone interested in what life with a person with BPD can be and mostly is like as it gives examples of mild, moderate and severe behavior they may engage in or feelings they may experience and how to better understand the reasons for it but mainly how to deal with the great confusion and suffering their loved ones or wayfarers go through.
Of course, if you are in a relationship or have a friend, family member or work with someone with BPD this book may be even m This is a fantastic resource for anyone interested in what life with a person with BPD can be and mostly is like as it gives examples of mild, moderate and severe behavior they may engage in or feelings they may experience and how to better understand the reasons for it but mainly how to deal with the great confusion and suffering their loved ones or wayfarers go through.
Of course, if you are in a relationship or have a friend, family member or work with someone with BPD this book may be even more valuable to you.
I especially enjoyed the countless quotes from BP's and non-BP's who weighed in, and that on the contrary to Hard to Love: Understanding and Overcoming Male Borderline Personality Disorder the author took the time to go through the criteria, giving individual examples and explaining the origin of these behaviors.

The bad reviews on here are both a bit sad but also a bit amusing to me personally because most of the reviewers wouldn't have had to out themselves as BP's, you can tell that the blind rage stems from the fact it's hard for them to accept that those affected by the extreme behavior, black and white thinking and mood swings are so deeply affected by it that they also need help, understanding and not to feel alone in dealing or being with someone with BPD. This is - finally - one book that isn't written for BP's but for us "outsiders."
The accusations that this book is trash-talking BP's or BPD and just a way for people to learn how to leave them are not true at all as any unbiased reader can clearly see when reading the book.
The book makes VERY clear early on that the goal of this book is to understand, to help the reader stop being afraid of the "other shoe dropping" by learning how to set boundaries, talk to BP's without further upsetting them, handling verbally abusive situations - for both the BP's as well as the reader's sake.

I found Marsha Lineham's input or the quotes used very helpful as well since she is not only a recovered BP but is the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which has not only been a great success for BP's but people with other mood and other instabilities or neurodiversities. (It's also frequently being used for or on female Aspies for example.)
When I read that she equated the feelings of a BP with a third degree burn victim - every single little touch causes a big reaction, often a painful one, it explained quite a lot to me.

Some people have criticized that BP's are called "borderlines" in the book - the reason for that was ALSO thoroughly explained on the very first pages by author and co-author, this just on a side note.
I have, in fact, read very few other books who took that much time and tried to be so careful in their wording as in this book although it wasn't even written for BP's.

I think for the "high-functioning" or recovering/open-minded BP this book may also be of use because realizing what great effect their behavior has on everyone around them could be a motivator to not give up on themselves, keep working on themselves and their relationships.

...more

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Feb 05, 2010 Cary rated it it was ok

I took my life back and stopped reading it.

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Nov 12, 2010 Mary rated it did not like it

NOT helpful. Actually more harmful than anything. Not approved by Dr. Marsha Linehan, creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

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Jul 10, 2011 Amy rated it it was amazing

Shelves: non-fiction

This is my second or third time reading this book. It was originally recommended by my brother's girlfriend-at-the-time, who had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I find this book very helpful. It acknowledges the difficulty of dealing with mental illness that can be disguised or hidden, and it doesn't judge, but also doesn't excuse. It talks about distortions and altered reality and over-reactions and lies, and all the things that start to seem "normal" when you deal with some ...more

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May 16, 2016 Elizabeth Good rated it did not like it · review of another edition

Most of these type of books treat the person who has BPD as if they had a contagious disease and these books view them as not worthy of love, commitment, and support. BPD sufferers are not throwaway human beings. THEY need help. Yes those who love them need support as well, however, I found this book to be as annoying as most of the others I've read- irrelevant to my particular situation. I don't want to read samples of situations that don't apply to my circumstances. It's not helpful.
The forma ...more

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Aug 27, 2014 Thomas Edmund rated it really liked it

A piece I read related to work Stop Walking on Eggshells provides guidance for people in relationships with someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The book is comfortably written, the main thrust of the advice being how to take care of oneself when in a difficult relationship.

Its a decent informative read, lost one star on the incredibly unrealistic 'scripts' to use in tricky conversations. Written in perfect therapy speak the recommended dialogues read nothing like anyone speak ...more

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Feb 02, 2014 Leah rated it really liked it

Shelves: non-fiction

I read this book because it was recommended to me by a psychiatrist friend of mine in hopes that it could help me understand and deal with a family member. My friend has heard a only a few "stories" and suspected my family member may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, after reading the book, I believe my family member does have BPD. I had never heard of BPD before, and I don't think my family member has been officially diagnosed...and if she has, she's not telling anyone.

This book did h ...more

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Mar 16, 2016 Gabby rated it did not like it

This book had a terrible outlook on BPD that makes most everyone in the community cringe. it is not accurate, not helpful, and just makes the gap between people with BPD and their loved ones without it even bigger.

Might I recommend talking to your loved one with BPD about your issues in mediation therapy? at least that has a chance of actually helping.

Or, don't even do that. Just don't read this book. It is truly toxic and garbage. It is not a resource, and it never will be. ...more

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Oct 18, 2014 Magdalena Celeste rated it it was ok

I'm not sure I agree with reviews that say this book "bashes" people with BPD. Looking back, I don't think it does a responsible job of representing the disorder as a whole, but I actually think the book works so hard to avoid taking sides between people with BPD and nons that people in both camps end up feeling unheard/unhelped after reading it.

As someone who has dealt with multiple abusive relationships with people who have BPD (often with NPD or APD as well), I don't think this book is all th I'm not sure I agree with reviews that say this book "bashes" people with BPD. Looking back, I don't think it does a responsible job of representing the disorder as a whole, but I actually think the book works so hard to avoid taking sides between people with BPD and nons that people in both camps end up feeling unheard/unhelped after reading it.

As someone who has dealt with multiple abusive relationships with people who have BPD (often with NPD or APD as well), I don't think this book is all that compassionate or understanding to those struggling to deal with abusive PD relationships. Not all people with PDs are abusers, but when people with PDs are abusers, it gets about 15 times harder to handle the situation than it normally would be because the abuser is clearly suffering/struggling and the last thing on Earth you want is to be the reason why it doesn't get better. I think a lot of nons seeking this book out are people whose people with PDs don't want to change. The funny thing is, this book acknowledges how many people with PDs won't admit there's a problem and therefore won't seek professional help but then they expect that the non learning a bunch of fluffy DBT techniques is going to solve the problem. If they don't want to hear that stuff from therapists, why would they want to hear it from the non?

This book doesn't really take the hard road when it comes to abuse. It kind of has this "well, yeah, sure, there's abusive behavior but they're ill and yeah maybe you could leave but if you have a thick skin and completely change the way you communicate and live your life you can somehow make it okay. No, you can't. If you're being abused, it doesn't matter how ill the person is or how bad their childhood was, abuse is never okay. Period. It isn't up to the non to learn some special new vocabulary to help the person.

Granted, if the person with BPD is working collaboratively with the non to learn a way of communicating that will be healthy between them, I think this might be a good resource. Without that cooperation, however, this book just feels like learning tricks to avoid arguments with high-conflict people who aren't interested in changing their high-conflict behavior. ...more

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Jul 11, 2012 K rated it liked it

Shelves: professionallit, audiobooks, readablenonfiction

It was a hard decision for me to give this three stars, because for me it was really more of a two. I think, though, that that's because as a psychologist, I already know quite a bit about borderline personality disorder and about the need to maintain one's boundaries. I was hoping this book would give me some new information and insight into ways to deal with difficult people, but for the most part, it didn't. That's me, though, and lots of other people seem to have found it helpful so I didn't ...more

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Oct 28, 2020 Linden rated it liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: advance-review-copy

The authors have written the third edition of this classic book on Borderline Personality Disorder. They discuss several groups, which can and do overlap: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder (AKA sociopaths), and Histrionic Personality Disorder. They offer a helpful checklist of things to look for if you suspect someone of having one (or more) of these disorders, and ways of dealing with situations which may result. Thanks to Netgal ...more

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Aug 11, 2019 Jacob rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: own, psychology, nonfiction

This is apparently one of the better books on dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I always shake my head at how poorly this disorder is named; "borderline" doesn't really do much to describe what it actually involves. "Walking on eggshells", however, is a very good term to describe one of the more common behaviors people around BPDs develop in response to their behavior.

If you're looking to understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is, this video might help This is apparently one of the better books on dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I always shake my head at how poorly this disorder is named; "borderline" doesn't really do much to describe what it actually involves. "Walking on eggshells", however, is a very good term to describe one of the more common behaviors people around BPDs develop in response to their behavior.

If you're looking to understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is, this video might help quite a bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=to5qR.... It's something very hard to pin down, and has taken me quite a bit of learning to get a handle on it. It doesn't help that, according to this book, there are kind of two *different* strains of it, and it's often confused with Bipolar Disorder or Depression. I don't have the time to explain the symptoms here, but I'll talk about the things in the book that stood out to me:

- The two strains of BPD are "acting in" (self-harming), which is much easier to recognize and treat, and "acting out" (harming others), which is tougher. The book confirmed a lot of what I've learned recently about the acting out / higher functioning BPD strain.

- In particular, the sense of a "void". BPDs don't have a strong sense of self, and Mason often describes it as the person having a void inside them that they cannot fill, which is exactly how I've described it in the past.

- Apparently one of the worst things to do in dealing with someone with BPD is stick around and take the rage, the criticism, and the vitriol. Oops! I thought it was a way of reassuring the BPD that they would not be abandoned, but according to Mason it just reinforces their unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The author not only provides advice about how to deal with someone with BPD, but puts a lot of effort into explaining how a BPD feels -- the emotions and ideas that are fueling the behavior. I found I could identify with a lot more of the feelings than was comfortable for me, but it led me to think that it's not really the feelings that drive BPD as a personality disorder. It's what someone does with those feelings: the unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with those feelings and the refusal to let go of those behaviors that really defines BPD, as far as I'm concerned.

I didn't find a lot of new guidance or perspectives in here, but there was enough to help solidify what I've learned already, and some tidbits that I hadn't picked up before (like not sticking around to take the abuse). ...more

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Apr 24, 2013 Jack rated it it was amazing

Read this trying to make sense of a past relationship that started and stopped over a dozen times in a few months. Roller coaster only begins to describe what was going on and not only did the relationship end poorly, I struggled trying to understand what had happened. One moment the world was fine, and the next everything was wrong and couldn't be fixed. I was alternately the best thing that had ever happened or the most colossal screwup. There was no in between and the switch could happen over ...more

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Sep 16, 2010 Elizabeth rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Recommended to Elizabeth by: Dr. Sand

Shelves: nonfiction, the-book-im-not-writing, mental-health-borderline-bpd, mental-health, being-a-support-person, self-help

(I'm pretty sure) I don't know anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I found this book helpful anyway. A lot of the stuff about the fact that you can't "fix" the other person (and also about boundary-setting, and trigger vs. cause) is broadly applicable.

***

I will caveat, however, that I'm not stoked about some of their language choices.

(1) They often alternate using "he" and "she" for generic examples, rather than going for a singular they or "he or she" (and whenever they do say "he ...more

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Nov 22, 2017 Emily rated it did not like it

This book is cruel and triggering. It dehumanizes people with BPD. It literally categorizes them into groups called 'the witch' and 'the ice queen'. There is no world in which that is acceptable in a self-help book. This book does everything in its power to perpetuate stigmatizing (and scientifically inaccurate) stereotypes and reduce compassion. Insulting. ...more

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“Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor. The lighthouse can't uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern and say, "Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path you may break up on the rocks!" No. The ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or, it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions. All it can do is be the best lighthouse it knows how to be.” — 12 likes

“The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.” — 10 likes

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