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Fuck You, Stephenie Meyer
Meet Matthew. A few years ago, Matthew made one of the biggest mistakes of his life. Bringing home a girl from the local bar cost him everything he had, including the love of his life. But that's not all that happened. Soon, Matthew found himself changing into something else. Something...stranger. "F*ck You, Stephenie Meyer" is the extremely perverse short story about the darker side of vampires.
- GenresVampires
53 pages, Nook
First published January 21, 2013
6 people are currently reading
245 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
October 10, 2019
okay, this is misleading. when i downloaded this, it was free. now it is 99 cents. this disqualifies it from the "free nook book project." sorry, j.e. tobal...
i will write a review of this tonight, hopefully. for now, please enjoy these reviews from bn.com:
Anonymous
Posted March 14, 2013
!
Revolting and insulting. Stephanie meyer should sue for defamation.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
and, even more humorous for its misspelling and its mastery of language:
Anonymous
Posted March 24, 2013
Sucks
Stephanie Meters should sue for insulting her on a public thing!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
this is not a parody of twilight. this is a work that discusses many dangers: the danger of girls who want to give blowies on the first date, the dangers of not listening to strangers in bars, and most importantly, the dangers of getting sucked into the pop-cultural zeitgeist that portrays vampires as sweet and sparkly kittycats who are willing to cuddle up asexually and delight the hearts and lower the guards (but not the panties) of young girls instead of taking the opportunity to show them the dangers of the real world.
especially the dangers of semen vampires.
don't laugh - it's a serious threat.
while blood vampires are busy roaming the mean streets of oregon, here in nyfc we have a rash of semen vampires, and if you give or receive four blow jobs from the same person in the same session, YOU ARE AT RISK!
and in case you were wondering, that is exactly what you think it is in the cupped hands of the cover-model.
and the narrator hates stephenie meyer for misleading an entire generation of girls into thinking vampire = ♥. because he has come under the sway and power of a semen-vampire. and it sucks. it sucks a lot. it sucks to have the hunger for semen in you, especially when you have always self-identified as a straight male! sucks sucks sucks.
sucks enough to throw a fit in one of the finest buildings in the entire city:
In the middle of the Barnes and Noble at Union Square, Matthew threw a hardcover copy of Twilight across the room.
-Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer!" he screamed out as the book sailed across the hall. Patrons gazed at him with open mouths as they watched a display of board games and bookmarks tumble to the ground. "Who says vampires are all love and romance and horseshit, you fucking cunt?!" He yelled out to whoever was nearby.
Before security could escort him outside, Matthre voluntarily left. However, before he did, he walked up to one, particular security guard and screamed out, "Stephene Meyer is a fucking hack who'll burn in hell!"
Needless to say, Matthew never returned to Barnes and Noble at Union Square.
leaving aside the fact that we call them "customers" in a bookstore and "patrons" in a library, and there are no "halls" in that store (unless you mean the bathroom hall. which, okay). but leaving apart that, i cannot say this sounds very far outside the realm of possibilities, and am inclined to dub this book nonfiction. it would not surprise me to find out that this incident occurred in fact, and so that means that semen vampires are real. so watch out. no more that three blowies with strangers, okay?? this text should go a long way towards making teen celibacy a reality.
and it even sounds like stephenie meyer in parts:
Matthew eventually started talking to another bar regular named Evan. This guy, however, was much different from sweet, little, Allison. For example, there are those that might have considered Evan gay. This was sort of unfair. Anyone who thought that Evan was gay probably also thought Burger King sold burgers. Which, unless you aren't following what I'm trying to say, meant Evan was very gay. He was really, really, really gay. Evan was so openly gay, that a lot of gay men were actually offended by how gay he was. Like when a super slutty girl walks into a club and all the girls who forgot to wear underwear that night suddenly look at her and say "Damn, what a slut." That was Evan. Gay, gay, gay, gay.
sound familiar?? edward: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
sparkle sparkle sparkle.
it's a shame that this has been disqualified from the project because it combines the writing of twilight with the sexxytimes of fifty shades, and so it should have been a shoo-in.
hope you spend that 99 cents well, author...
come to my blog!
i will write a review of this tonight, hopefully. for now, please enjoy these reviews from bn.com:
Anonymous
Posted March 14, 2013
!
Revolting and insulting. Stephanie meyer should sue for defamation.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
and, even more humorous for its misspelling and its mastery of language:
Anonymous
Posted March 24, 2013
Sucks
Stephanie Meters should sue for insulting her on a public thing!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
this is not a parody of twilight. this is a work that discusses many dangers: the danger of girls who want to give blowies on the first date, the dangers of not listening to strangers in bars, and most importantly, the dangers of getting sucked into the pop-cultural zeitgeist that portrays vampires as sweet and sparkly kittycats who are willing to cuddle up asexually and delight the hearts and lower the guards (but not the panties) of young girls instead of taking the opportunity to show them the dangers of the real world.
especially the dangers of semen vampires.
don't laugh - it's a serious threat.
while blood vampires are busy roaming the mean streets of oregon, here in nyfc we have a rash of semen vampires, and if you give or receive four blow jobs from the same person in the same session, YOU ARE AT RISK!
and in case you were wondering, that is exactly what you think it is in the cupped hands of the cover-model.
and the narrator hates stephenie meyer for misleading an entire generation of girls into thinking vampire = ♥. because he has come under the sway and power of a semen-vampire. and it sucks. it sucks a lot. it sucks to have the hunger for semen in you, especially when you have always self-identified as a straight male! sucks sucks sucks.
sucks enough to throw a fit in one of the finest buildings in the entire city:
In the middle of the Barnes and Noble at Union Square, Matthew threw a hardcover copy of Twilight across the room.
-Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer!" he screamed out as the book sailed across the hall. Patrons gazed at him with open mouths as they watched a display of board games and bookmarks tumble to the ground. "Who says vampires are all love and romance and horseshit, you fucking cunt?!" He yelled out to whoever was nearby.
Before security could escort him outside, Matthre voluntarily left. However, before he did, he walked up to one, particular security guard and screamed out, "Stephene Meyer is a fucking hack who'll burn in hell!"
Needless to say, Matthew never returned to Barnes and Noble at Union Square.
leaving aside the fact that we call them "customers" in a bookstore and "patrons" in a library, and there are no "halls" in that store (unless you mean the bathroom hall. which, okay). but leaving apart that, i cannot say this sounds very far outside the realm of possibilities, and am inclined to dub this book nonfiction. it would not surprise me to find out that this incident occurred in fact, and so that means that semen vampires are real. so watch out. no more that three blowies with strangers, okay?? this text should go a long way towards making teen celibacy a reality.
and it even sounds like stephenie meyer in parts:
Matthew eventually started talking to another bar regular named Evan. This guy, however, was much different from sweet, little, Allison. For example, there are those that might have considered Evan gay. This was sort of unfair. Anyone who thought that Evan was gay probably also thought Burger King sold burgers. Which, unless you aren't following what I'm trying to say, meant Evan was very gay. He was really, really, really gay. Evan was so openly gay, that a lot of gay men were actually offended by how gay he was. Like when a super slutty girl walks into a club and all the girls who forgot to wear underwear that night suddenly look at her and say "Damn, what a slut." That was Evan. Gay, gay, gay, gay.
sound familiar?? edward: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
sparkle sparkle sparkle.
it's a shame that this has been disqualified from the project because it combines the writing of twilight with the sexxytimes of fifty shades, and so it should have been a shoo-in.
hope you spend that 99 cents well, author...
come to my blog!
November 2, 2018
Most people don't have the twisted sense of humor to truly appreciate this story, but if you are going to rate and/or review this take the time to read it before passing judgment.
This story is a well-written farce. It is hilarious, unique, twisted, and vulgar - I loved it!
This story is a well-written farce. It is hilarious, unique, twisted, and vulgar - I loved it!
April 22, 2013
I'm not sure how to even begin this review but I will not spoil it for you. Confession time...I've read all the Twilight books and seen the movies but I would never consider myself a Stephenie Meyer fan. The Host was a great read and the Twilight series was decent for what it was. I was sucked in by the title, it made me laugh until little glittery tears formed in my tear ducts but the free-ness of the book was seductive. However, I would have bought it anyways and paid a reasonable price without hesitation. This may very well be the best book I've read all year. Maybe my life. Granted it's absurd and totally not what I expected but awesome none the less. There was very little Stephenie Meyer bashing so if that's what you are expecting you are in for a shock. If that's not what you are expecting you are in for a salty surprise. Warning: it got horrible reviews on Amazon but I can't fathom why. Ok. It's a bit crude but you couldn't gather that from the title? Happy reading. =)
January 21, 2020
Wtf, why does this exist? I could get behind a goofy story, but the way it was told and the writing that brought it out — and all the homophobic quips, I just can’t, ew ew eww
July 23, 2013
Novella/Short Story Ratings
Book ♥♥♥ 3 Stars
Author ♥♥♥ 3 stars
Total ♥♥♥ 3 stars
This book was absolutely one of the funniest books I have read in a long time. It is stabs at Stephanie Meyer for making people believe that the world of vampires is so glamorous. This book was funny and so stupid that I cannot believe I actually enjoyed it. It proves that men should never take home that girl at night who offers herself up even if it does sound like a great time. I think people thought this may be a parody or something along that sign but, it is not. It’s fun and I am so glad I am married and not bar-hopping.
Book ♥♥♥ 3 Stars
Author ♥♥♥ 3 stars
Total ♥♥♥ 3 stars
This book was absolutely one of the funniest books I have read in a long time. It is stabs at Stephanie Meyer for making people believe that the world of vampires is so glamorous. This book was funny and so stupid that I cannot believe I actually enjoyed it. It proves that men should never take home that girl at night who offers herself up even if it does sound like a great time. I think people thought this may be a parody or something along that sign but, it is not. It’s fun and I am so glad I am married and not bar-hopping.
June 8, 2013
This is very short and can be read entirely in under an hour; for me under a half hour. It was an interesting vampire tale about vampires who drink semen. It was not graphic though. I am not certain if this was a "man's" take on the Twilight series or a cautionary tale about drunken sex. It certainly reminded me of those cautionary videos from the 50' and 60's. I give it four stars because it entertained me as much as those old videos do. Read it for entertainment not because it has Stephanie Meyer in the title.
May 27, 2013
Um... truth be told I'm not sure I know how to review this book. let me first say this is the dumbest book I have ever read but at the same time I would say give it a chance. I can promise it will be one vampire story you have never heard and won't soon forget.
June 1, 2013
As a twilight fan I was pretty sceptical about this but it was absolutely hilarious. It was a funny take on how many men feel about the twilight franchise. If you need a laugh definitely pick this up. It is a quick read but very good as well.
July 27, 2013
I could not stop laughing. It's a fun read, I read to the end because you just had to know what happened. Totally hilarious as he tells his story about how he was turned and how he finds out what he needs to survive.
May 23, 2013
Good for a laugh.
I got it for free on Kindle but it didn't take long to read.
Ridiculously absurd and sick humour.
That's probably why I laughed.
I got it for free on Kindle but it didn't take long to read.
Ridiculously absurd and sick humour.
That's probably why I laughed.
May 14, 2013
Stupid, but good for a little laugh.
May 6, 2015
This was ridiculous.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews