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The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

bell hooks

4.36 · Rating details · 4,050 ratings · 508 reviews

Everyone needs to love and be loved -- even men. But to know love, men must be able to look at the ways that patriarchal culture keeps them from knowing themselves, from being in touch with their feelings, from loving. In The Will to Change, bell hooks gets to the heart of the matter and shows men how to express the emotions that are a fundamental part of who they are -- w ...more

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Paperback, 188 pages

Published December 21st 2004 by Washington Square Press (first published December 30th 2003)

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Jul 24, 2014 Thomas rated it it was amazing

Shelves: nonfiction, feminism, favorites, five-stars, own-physical

Every man, and everyone who loves a man, should read this book. The Will to Change carries a revolution in its pages. bell hooks argues with fierce eloquence about how we socialize men to numb their emotions, to only express anger and rage. She conveys honest compassion by contending that we must socialize everyone to honor male pain so that men will treat others with loving kindness, lest they forever repress their feelings to live up to the awful standards of toxic masculinity. One of the seve Every man, and everyone who loves a man, should read this book. The Will to Change carries a revolution in its pages. bell hooks argues with fierce eloquence about how we socialize men to numb their emotions, to only express anger and rage. She conveys honest compassion by contending that we must socialize everyone to honor male pain so that men will treat others with loving kindness, lest they forever repress their feelings to live up to the awful standards of toxic masculinity. One of the several quotes I loved from this book:

"The reality is that men are hurting and that the whole culture responds to them by saying, 'Please do not tell us what you feel.' ... If we cannot heal what we cannot feel, by supporting patriarchal culture that socializes men to deny feelings, we doom them to live in states of emotional numbness. We construct a culture where male pain can have no voice, where male hurt cannot be named or healed."

Though I feel confident in my maleness, I have never identified as masculine. Because of traumatic events in my childhood, I always swore off aggression - an emotion society forces most men to identify with. bell hooks hones in on so many uncomfortable truths about how patriarchy slaughters men's emotional vitality: how both men and women tell boys not to cry, how men use violent pornography as a way to cope with and visualize their rage, and how we accept male stoicism even when men are capable of so much more. She never positions men as the enemy, rather, she calls on readers to tear down the patriarchy that hurts us all. Another wonderful quote from the book that resonated with so many of my experiences with men:

"Being 'vulnerable' is an emotional state many men seek to avoid. Some men spend a lifetime in a state of avoidance and therefore never experience intimacy. Sadly, we have all colluded with the patriarchy by faking it with men, pretending levels of intimacy and closeness we do not feel. We tell men we love them when we feel we have absolutely no clue as to who they really are. We tell fathers we love them when we are terrified to share our perceptions of them, our fear that if we disagree, we will be cast out, excommunicated. In this way we all collude with patriarchal culture to make men feel they can have it all, that they can embrace patriarchal manhood and still hold their loved ones dear. In reality, the more patriarchal a man is, the more disconnected he must be from feeling. If he cannot feel, he cannot connect. If he cannot connect, he cannot be intimate."

Overall, a fantastic read. Yes, we should empower women, and we should empower men - by socializing them to love and to care. If I could have every high school student in the United States read one book right now, it would be The Will to Change. I hope that we can all carry forth hooks's vision, by conducting more research on masculinity and by aiding men in getting in touch with their emotions. I will end this review with one final, inspirational quote:

"The work of male relational recovery, of reconnection, of forming intimacy and making community can never be done alone. In a world where boys and men are daily losing their way we must create guides, signposts, new paths. A culture of healing that empowers males to change is in the making. Healing does not take place in isolation. Men who love and men who long to love know this. We need to stand by them, with open hearts and open arms. We need to stand ready to hold them, offering a love that can shelter their wounded spirits as they seek to find their way home, as they exercise the will to change." ...more

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Nov 09, 2008 Alex rated it it was amazing

Shelves: patriarchy, favorites

bell hooks defines this project as an attempt to love men enough to understand how patriarchy affects them, and understand how their pain can help them transform and challenge patriarchy. For me it was a profound experience reading this because it touched on so many aspects of my life as a male, from childhood, to school, to sex and relationships, to friendships, etc. It allowed me to see old memories in new ways, and understand that my feelings of pain, confusion and shame were a result of the bell hooks defines this project as an attempt to love men enough to understand how patriarchy affects them, and understand how their pain can help them transform and challenge patriarchy. For me it was a profound experience reading this because it touched on so many aspects of my life as a male, from childhood, to school, to sex and relationships, to friendships, etc. It allowed me to see old memories in new ways, and understand that my feelings of pain, confusion and shame were a result of the violent circumstances that I was subjected to growing up in this culture.

In the past I had "understood" patriarchy as something that primarily only affected women, and saw my job mostly as limiting the damage done to the women in my life and organizing. bell hooks pushed me to look inside myself first and foremost and see how this system has terrorized me personally, and how challenging patriarchy is necessary for my own liberation, as well as the liberation of all men, and everybody.

What struck me most significantly was the idea that patriarchy is all the time enforced by violence, and that men are taught through violence to reject their emotions and become cold-blooded and distant, which allows them to commit violence on others.

"Violence is boyhood socialization. The way we 'turn boys into men' is through injury... We take them away from their feelings, from sensitivity to others. The very phrase 'be a man' means suck it up and keep going. Disconnection is not fallout from traditional masculinity. Disconnection is masculinity."

I could think of hundreds or thousands of times that I've felt this threat of violence keeping me within the shallow emotionless world of patriarchal masculinity. Most often it looks like jokes, put-downs, humiliation, scorn, and exclusion, but violence is at the heart of the matter. In fact, middle school and high school in retrospect look like a 7 year-long gauntlet of violent social training.

Learning to express the pain I've felt without shame, and wield my anger not against myself (or others) but against patriarchal society, isn't something that can change overnight. But bell hooks' wisdom has opened up new possibilities for me and for all men, and it's up to us to take the initiative, educate ourselves, get in touch with our own emotions, our own human-ness and connection to others in a non-dominating way, and work together in love and resistance. We don't just owe it to women, trans and genderqueer folks, we owe it to ourselves.

"Communities of resistance should be places where people can return to themselves more easily, where the conditions are such that they can heal themselves and recover their wholeness." ...more

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Apr 06, 2015 Victoria rated it liked it

Shelves: feminism, relationships

I have profound respect for bell hooks. She is and will probably always be one of the most clear minded and insightful feminist theorists for years to come. Her works and lectures can be both mind blowing and humbling.
And a book like this is important because men need a better understanding of their place in the movement as allies and we need to be reminded at times that they can and should be better.
That being said, it was clear that this book was going to be far more likely to appeal to a ma I have profound respect for bell hooks. She is and will probably always be one of the most clear minded and insightful feminist theorists for years to come. Her works and lectures can be both mind blowing and humbling.
And a book like this is important because men need a better understanding of their place in the movement as allies and we need to be reminded at times that they can and should be better.
That being said, it was clear that this book was going to be far more likely to appeal to a male audience. I thus found it problematic that hooks did not use this golden opportunity to extrapolate on just why women would be hesitant to trust men, let alone let them into a feminist space (one that so many women before us have bled, died, and gone to jail for, I should add).
Men might be harmed by patriarchy in that they lose their potential for self-actualization, mind and soul. It is indisputably a lower quality of life.
But women will continue to lose their actual lives through the systemic violence that men perpetuate at the hands of male relatives, friends, and lovers. Being conditioned and socialized into the role of an abuser does not negate one's actions and the ensuing accountability. Men, should they be allies, are responsible for the actions of both themselves as individuals and themselves as an oppressive social class. hooks briefly hints at the importance of this in that men have to be open to criticism from women and to consistently check themselves. But I would add that they also have to criticize each other out and actively seek to disrupt the old boy system that allows so many men to get away with sexual violence and misogyny. It is one thing to choose never to buy sex or to consume pornography as an individual man. Or to never coerce his wife/partner/lover into sex. But it is another to actively stand against it and condemn any man (including friends and family members) who would.
The crux of feminism is not to get along better with men. It is, and always will be, about us women learning to love each other; to defend and to affirm each other; to realize that the love we can have for each other can be just as, if not more profound than any relationship we can have with a man.
I think we already empathize a lot with men, contrary to what hooks asserts. We have fallen into empathy traps and faced hard betrayal by alleged male allies in activist spaces. Time and time again we have believed that "genuine care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust" can "serve as the seductive catalyst for change" (p. 178). If we just loved him enough, he can change.
Men need to change. Men can change. There are good men out there who live to testify that men can be better.
But the first thing they need to understand is that women have all the reasons not to trust them. And they very much have every right to be angry. ...more

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Dec 14, 2014 Miri rated it really liked it

Shelves: psychology-mental-health, gender-studies

Important and original. I appreciate how much space hooks spends on quoting and citing other authors (especially psychotherapists, which made me happy); it's the mark of a great thinker who isn't afraid to give credit where credit is due. This is one of the rare books on masculinity that addresses the topic with sensitivity and also without blaming women or feminism for all of the problems.

My two main criticisms are:

1) hooks seems very gender-essentialist. She continually expresses her arguments Important and original. I appreciate how much space hooks spends on quoting and citing other authors (especially psychotherapists, which made me happy); it's the mark of a great thinker who isn't afraid to give credit where credit is due. This is one of the rare books on masculinity that addresses the topic with sensitivity and also without blaming women or feminism for all of the problems.

My two main criticisms are:

1) hooks seems very gender-essentialist. She continually expresses her arguments as though there are only Men and Women, and Men have penises and Women have vaginas, and Men are Masculine and Women are Feminine. To this end, she calls for a better, "feminist" masculinity for men to aspire to, without ever really justifying what masculinity *is* (other than What Men Do), why we need it, and whether (and if so, why) men should aspire to something different than women. In her view, this feminist masculinity involves having integrity, self-love, relational skills, emotional awareness, etc. Obviously, these are all great traits, but why do we need to call them "masculinity" at all?

2) Although hooks is correct to note that many feminist women fail to acknowledge how deeply patriarchy hurts men (especially non-white, non-middle-/upper-class men), she does not caveat her proposed solution--that women actively work to help men overcome patriarchy--with the fact that many women who do this face immense verbal abuse (and worse) as a result. The reason many of us feminists don't want to engage with men isn't (just) because we see them as all-powerful and incapable of being as hurt as we are, but because when we try to engage with them, they make us regret it. That doesn't mean the solution is to disengage entirely, but hooks' argument would be stronger if she explicitly acknowledged this barrier.

She does at one point write, "Since emotional pain is the feeling that most males have covered up, numbed out, or closed off, the journey back to feeling is frequently through the portal of suffering. Much male rage covers up this place of suffering: this is the well-kept secret. Often when a female gets close to male pain, penetrating the male mask to see the emotional vulnerability beneath, she becomes a target for the rage." However, hooks does not connect this with her admonition that women engage with men to lead them through this process. How do we prevent or cope with becoming the targets of this rage? ...more

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Nov 07, 2012 Sajani rated it it was amazing

This book has answered almost every question I've ever had about men and why they are the way they are. It has helped restore my faith in men as a sex. Instead of just pointing out the injustices of patriarchy, Hooks explains, step by step, exactly how men are socialized to be violent, and given misguided notions about what it means to be 'male.' For the first time, I was introduced to the idea that men suffer from patriarchy even as they are privileged by it. Because of Hooks, I've been inspire ...more

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May 20, 2011 BookChampions rated it it was amazing

Shelves: feminism

When I developed my feminist sensibilities in the 1990s, it was bell hooks who was first to validate not only my place as a feminist man but to ardently argue for my space as a comrade in feminist work. It was going to take feminist women and feminist men collaborating together in order to do the work so desperately needed.

Ever since then, bell hooks has been a huge part in my growth as a feminist, teacher, and man. And since the publication of The Will to Change in 2004, I've probably returned ...more

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May 30, 2016 Jesse Richards rated it it was amazing

This is a profound book that I will now list as one of the most life-changing I have ever read.

Its singular message is that patriarchy harms men almost as much as it harms women (though in different ways). Feminism is not women working against men, but women and men who value love working against men and women who value domination.

I haven't loved the previous hooks books I've read, even though I agreed with them, because I didn't find her writing style clear or elegant enough. But this one reso ...more

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Aug 15, 2017 Sagar Jethani rated it did not like it

Shelves: philosophy

I am disappointed with this book-- not least because the author is one who many of my friends have admired for years. While I generally agree with her premise, she does not represent it well. Insightful criticism of white male patriarchy is quickly supplanted by ridiculous arguments which undermine her case.

Harry Potter as a prototypical example of white male warmongering?

Facile claims that all males harbor killing rage within them because they are all infected with patriarchical thinking?

Please ...more

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Oct 23, 2016 Kendra rated it it was amazing

Wow.

It feels inadequate to write a review of this book because for me, reading it was profoundly life-changing. It forced to me to recharacterize my entire childhood and experience of gender.

So I'll just say that it's worth reading for anyone, regardless of gender, who cares about feminism or is interested in making change in Western culture. ...more

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Apr 13, 2020 Helly rated it it was amazing

hooks has a way of rejecting the ideas of what masculinity has meant over the millennia to encompass it in a domain that is much more realistic and humanly, enabling men and women alike to love and know men better, and in turn, love them better.

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Mar 18, 2015 Walter Briggs rated it it was amazing

This book absolutely changed my life. How often do you get to say that? Even better, it was a gift from one of my daughters (who was then surprised that I read it!)

It told me more about myself, my upbringing, and my place in the world than I could have imagined. If this were required reading for every member of modern society, the world would be a more habitable place. It could literally end war…

It's not easy, but neither is life. Women and men will both gain new insight into how we are all perp ...more

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Dec 11, 2015 Andy rated it it was amazing

"If we cannot heal what we cannot feel, by supporting patriarchal culture that socializes men to deny feelings, we doom them to live in states of emotional numbness."

While I have been educating myself in feminist theories lately, I started thinking about how much energy and emotional real estate I squandered due to misogynistic ideas and words. I have played my part in patriarchal gender norms and let me tell you, it was incredibly toxic. This book really hit close to home for me. Anyhow, I fe "If we cannot heal what we cannot feel, by supporting patriarchal culture that socializes men to deny feelings, we doom them to live in states of emotional numbness."

While I have been educating myself in feminist theories lately, I started thinking about how much energy and emotional real estate I squandered due to misogynistic ideas and words. I have played my part in patriarchal gender norms and let me tell you, it was incredibly toxic. This book really hit close to home for me. Anyhow, I felt like Bell Hooks was definitely inviting men to look with a critical eye on patriarchal notions. Where do we get these notions? Why do we maintain them if they are cutting us off from being whole people? Not only that, but she did so without condescending nor resorting to combative means. This book came out of love for men and finally recognizes those men that refuse to follow those patriarchal norms. Hooks even goes further by criticizing feminists who have a "us vs them" mentality that hinders any possible debate/ reaching out that can be accomplished. I would highly recommend this to not only to other men (I know too many men who should read this book), but to other feminists. Here are a few quotes that stuck with me (and even made me cry a bit) :

“Patriarchy demands of men that they become and remain emotional cripples. Since it is a system that denies men full access to their freedom of will, it is difficult for any man of any class to rebel against patriarchy, to be disloyal to the patriarchal parent, be that parent female or male.”

“Ultimately the men who choose against violence, against death, do so because they want to live fully and well, because they want to know love. These are the men who are true heroes, the men whose lives we need to know about, honor, and remember.”

"Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term "masculinity") is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder."

...more

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Jan 27, 2013 Martin rated it it was amazing

What a human being bell hooks is. Despite being a female, she pierced my depressed and troubled soul fraught with self-inflicted wounds from masculinity. Every chapter was a journey with different aspects of myself, and I often put the book down to ruminate on her words and wisdom. She lays bare, clear for anybody to see, the contradictions of masculinity and patriarchy, and how they harm men and women. Above of all, it is the severance of men from their emotional self that harms society, that c ...more

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Apr 25, 2017 Ben Zimmerman rated it liked it

Shelves: non-fiction

I have complicated feelings about this book. I really strongly agreed with parts of it, but there were also parts that completely missed the mark for me. I wonder if some of the gap between myself and the author is generational. The men that have been present throughout my life are not nearly so callus or emotionally blocked off as the ones described in the book. It also emphasized spirituality and the soul too much for my taste, and I felt that those aspects strongly undermined the arguments in ...more

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Dec 15, 2018 Brett rated it it was amazing

This book changed my life. Everyone on Earth should read it. A feminist book about alleviating the burden of men seems inconceivable to feminism's many detractors but inside this book is an answer to all the loneliness, heartache and angry emotions that men feel. It provides a solution that isn't tamping them down in silence or being more rigorous with your rage. There is so much care and compassion inside that it truly transformed the way I think about myself and the choices I make. It strikes ...more

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Jan 05, 2016 Annie Mahon rated it it was amazing

This book was a paradigm changer for me. If you are interested in understanding the painful ways in which men are socialized to ignore and repress their hearts, and want help knowing what we can do about it - this book is for you. The best book I've read in a while and one I am recommending to everyone. ...more

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Jul 01, 2019 Annie rated it it was amazing

Shelves: philosophy

I’m going to make this book required reading for any future male suitors.

The issue tackled in this book is essentially Why doesn’t feminism talk about men? Men, like women, are harmed by gender norms and male violence. They have a powerful, central place in feminism, but so often feminism leaves them out, ostracizes them.

Men are taught, via shaming of other expressions of emotion, that the only appropriate outlet for their emotions is anger; and anger is opposed to love, anger occupies the spa I’m going to make this book required reading for any future male suitors.

The issue tackled in this book is essentially Why doesn’t feminism talk about men? Men, like women, are harmed by gender norms and male violence. They have a powerful, central place in feminism, but so often feminism leaves them out, ostracizes them.

Men are taught, via shaming of other expressions of emotion, that the only appropriate outlet for their emotions is anger; and anger is opposed to love, anger occupies the space to the exclusion of love, and anger isolates; it’s a wall that separates you from others. To create loving (non-violent) men, hooks says, we must love men. Regardless of our sexual orientation, nearly everyone has men in their life to love: fathers, brothers, friends.

I strongly oppose, however, bell hooks’ analysis of the Harry Potter books (I question whether we even read the same series!). She describes Harry as “the supersmart, gifted, blessed, white boy genius, a mini patriarch who rules over the equally smart kids, including an occasional girl and an occasional male of color . . . [the series] glorifies the use of violence to maintain control over others.” . . . huh wha? Since when is Harry smart or gifted or (LOL) a genius? He’s pretty average as a wizard, and extremely average as a student. He’s far from the smartest in his year, and HARDLY “rules” over the other kids. Where is this coming from? And how does it glorify war? The main conflict is against a malevolent dictator who advocates “blood supremacy” (plainly suggestive of the idea of racial purity and white supremacy), and the ultimate goal is the final chapter of the last book, where peace has been attained for 17 years.

I agree with a lot of the other examples bell hooks offers of the glorification of violence for young boys (like the Incredible Hulk movies, or war movies like Pearl Harbor and Saving Private Ryan). We need, instead of these images of men as unthinking animals, portrayals of men “that demonstrate their beauty and integrity of spirit.” But I genuinely can’t believe bell hooks has ever read the Harry Potter series; I find Harry to be portrayed as a highly sensitive boy, who experiences his emotions (a broad range of them) deeply and personally, who is uniquely gentle and full of integrity.

Favourite passages from this book:

“Self-help books galore tell us that we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Of course, they never answer the question of what will motivate males—in a patriarchal culture who have been taught that to love emasculates them—to change, to choose love, when the choice means that they must stand against patriarchy, against the tyranny of the familiar.”

“I write in response to questions about love asked me by the men I know most intimately who are still working to find their way back to the open-hearted emotionally expressive selves they once were before they were told to silence their longings and close their hearts. This book is the offering I bring to the feast of male reclamation and recovery of self, of their emotional right to love and be loved. Women have believed that we could save the men in our lives by giving them love… but we cannot do for boys and men what they must do for themselves. Our love helps, but it alone does not save boys or men. Ultimately boys and men save themselves when they learn the art of loving.”

“The vast majority of feminist women I encounter do not hate men. They feel sorry for men because they see how patriarchy wounds them and yet men remain wedded to patriarchal culture . . . [yet] I hear feminist women share that they are unwilling to give their energy to help educate and change men. These attitudes, coupled with the negative attitudes of most men toward feminist thinking, meant that there was never a collective, affirming call for boys and men to join feminist movement so that they would be liberated.”
...more

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Nov 26, 2018 Melissa Stacy rated it it was amazing

Shelves: family, parenting, self-help, favorites, books-that-make-life-worth-living, 2018-reads, nonfiction

First published in 2004, "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love," by bell hooks, is a powerhouse work of nonfiction. I can never say enough good things about bell hooks. Her work is a gift.

"The Will to Change" is a short book written in highly accessible prose, but the content is so difficult to take in and grapple with that it took me as long to read this book as Jackson Katz's "The Macho Paradox" (which I also highly recommend).

"The Will to Change" did not repeat material I have read First published in 2004, "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love," by bell hooks, is a powerhouse work of nonfiction. I can never say enough good things about bell hooks. Her work is a gift.

"The Will to Change" is a short book written in highly accessible prose, but the content is so difficult to take in and grapple with that it took me as long to read this book as Jackson Katz's "The Macho Paradox" (which I also highly recommend).

"The Will to Change" did not repeat material I have read elsewhere. Everything in this book stood on its own. It's a gut-wrenching read. "The Will to Change" made me cry. But the purpose of the book is to share a message of empowerment, and it certainly succeeds. I would recommend this book to *anyone* to read. While the text focuses on the impacts of patriarchy on boys and men, this is a book intended for a gender-inclusive audience. As a female reader, "The Will to Change" spoke to me deeply and profoundly. I'm incredibly grateful this book exists.

*****

"We show our love for maleness, for men, by working to heal the wounds of men who suffer and those of us who bear witness with them. Many of us have lived the truth that recognizing the ways we are wounded is often a simpler process than finding and sustaining a practice of healing. We live in a culture where it has been accepted and even encouraged that women wholeheartedly stand by men when they are doing the work of destruction. Yet we have yet to create a world that asks us to stand by a man when he is seeking healing, when he is seeking recovery, when he is working to be a creator.

The work of male relational recovery, of reconnection, of forming intimacy and making community can never be done alone. In a world where boys and men are daily losing their way we must create guides, signposts, new paths. A culture of healing that empowers males to change is in the making. Healing does not take place in isolation. Men who love and men who long to love know this. We need to stand by them, with open hearts and open arms. We need to stand ready to hold them, offering a love than can shelter their wounded spirits as they seed to find their way home, as they exercise the will to change."

(pages 187-188; the closing passage) ...more

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Apr 05, 2009 Sara-Maria Sorentino rated it really liked it

Recommends it for: al(l)i(e)son, kalia, jess, ladies and gents

hooks writes, with care and patience, of the social disease that is patriarchy and its attendant costs for men, women and the relationships that sustain them. in conversational tone, she tells stories of how the ways in which men learn to deny or displace their feelings creates a whole population of emotional cripples, subject to constant suffering. And by avoiding this pain and the ways oppressive systems oppress across all divides, we women are not only doing an injustice to the men in our liv hooks writes, with care and patience, of the social disease that is patriarchy and its attendant costs for men, women and the relationships that sustain them. in conversational tone, she tells stories of how the ways in which men learn to deny or displace their feelings creates a whole population of emotional cripples, subject to constant suffering. And by avoiding this pain and the ways oppressive systems oppress across all divides, we women are not only doing an injustice to the men in our lives but are perpetuating systems of injustice more broadly. I would recommend it for these insights alone, ones I’ve been in desperate need, ive come to realize, to see in print. she is also on the mark with the awareness that women cannot pull men out of this: the transformation, if it is to occur, needs to come from men. As men find support for the daring to heal, and to suffer in order to heal, women, while remaining ‘wisely cautious’, can open spaces for men to mourn during this relational recovery: ‘with open hearts and open arms…[women:] need to stand ready to hold them, offering a love that can shelter their wounded spirits as they seek to find their way home...’( 188). I am very fortunate to be in a relationship with someone who, when seeing this book on my floor, took it on his own to read before I even get around to opening its pages. I hope dear boy, our relationship continues to be one in which confront these themes together, as vexing and trying and they may be.

I am glad to have read this; bell hooks lets her listeners in and it does my heart good.

still, I found genuinely puzzling hooks' conception of the purity of love. She writes, ‘That love and domination can coexist is one of the most powerful lies patriarchy tells us all…in truth, love can transform domination.’ This is puzzling to me because hooks tells many stories in which relationships of domination are maintained out of a sort of love. And yet ‘Love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion’, she says (123). What makes her love, mutual and reciprocal, of such qualitative difference that it is truly love? How to draw the line and why? and what differences, what practical differences, emerge from considering domination a pathology that can be trasformed to one that is, in its repetition, constitutive of our being? What are the practical differences between hope for transcendence and resignation to the impossibility of surmounting structures? these don't have to be opposites but she does lean to the more hopeful transformative side. Hooks stance on this can be made concrete with her rejection of images of men from popular culture, who are overburdened by the weight of patriarchy and fold beneath it. These men are uninspiring to her and ultimately not useful for consideration. (134). but it seems to me these men are necessary to confront. Isn't there some worth in highlighting the near utter impossibility and futility of changing structures? At the very least a posture of humility?

My point, however, isn’t to deflate bell hook’s balloon. In truth, the points I wield might be too dull to do much damage even if i wanted them to--the hope, and its companions, healing, alternatives, and choice, expressed by hooks are, I think, beyond facile naivite. It entails a movement through pain. Her hope seemed earned. Maybe I'm rejecting it because i still have a long way to go. ...more

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Dec 18, 2018 Bri rated it it was amazing

Shelves: african-american, feminist, non-fiction

Timeless. Essential reading on toxic masculinity and men's role in destroying patriarchy. ...more

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Oct 26, 2017 Zachary F. rated it really liked it

Shelves: gender-on-my-mind, 2000s, africa-and-diaspora, reads-for-radicals, what-is-love

“Our work of love should be to reclaim masculinity and not allow it to be held hostage to patriarchal domination. There is a creative, life-sustaining, life-enhancing place for the masculine in a nondominator culture. And those of us committed to ending patriarchy can touch the hearts of real men where they live, not by demanding that they give up manhood or maleness, but by asking that they allow its meaning to be transformed, that they become disloyal to patriarchal masculinity in order to fin ...more

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Dec 05, 2015 Sivananthi T rated it really liked it · review of another edition

I read this a long time back, at a younger age, when the concept of love was still something small, and limited in my mind. I shrugged off much of this book then, because I could not grasp the profundity of what hooks was talking about. I returned to this same book so many years later, and find that I now understand what she calls us to do, in transforming masculinity, not men, but the concepts of patriarchy which dominate the interpretation of masculinity. And what it demands of us, not only of ...more

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Jun 02, 2013 Michelle rated it really liked it

I was surprised at this book. I was looking for a book that I could hold up to someone's face and say: "look--I'm right and you're wrong!" But it wasn't the case. bell hooks is really is a complex writer who challenges everybody. This book is not just for men who want to look deeply into themselves and see how Patriarchy effects and privileges their existence, but it also explains why men have so much less depth of emotions. It also forces women to see how we uphold patriarchy just as much as me ...more

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Sep 22, 2020 Carol rated it it was amazing

i feel like a Changed woman after reading this. all of the resentment ive felt towards the men in my life was already dissipating but this wonderful piece of work speeded up the process. i feel more sympathetic towards patriarchal women and men, because i realize now that they cannot give the love they mourn for when they have never experienced that kind of love that’s freeing. i also recognize my own power too, and that my love for others will never reach a capacity because it doesn’t exist. be ...more

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Jan 16, 2018 Bianca Mogos rated it it was amazing

Shelves: feminism, favorites, ebook, non-fiction, read-and-want-to-own

A must read for every man and woman. Opened a whole new world for me.
10*

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Aug 29, 2018 Conor Ahern rated it liked it

Shelves: author-female, author-nonwhite, holding-forth, self-help, non-fiction

Masculinity: what a burden! Let's tear it all down and let boys be human. ...more

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Aug 04, 2018 Deanna rated it really liked it

I wish all men — or maybe just everyone — would read this.

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Sep 06, 2017 Rachel Smith rated it it was ok

Full disclosure: I didn't get this book myself, it was a gift to my husband from his sister.

I figured it was important to read actual feminist writings and not only skim the surface of online media, so I read this book; I also figured since my SIL recommended it and she's fantastic that it would be equally fantastic.

It was a bit of a letdown.

Firstly, the book points out things that do happen, and in a somewhat more nuanced way than many works--but I feel that the author incorrectly labels them a Full disclosure: I didn't get this book myself, it was a gift to my husband from his sister.

I figured it was important to read actual feminist writings and not only skim the surface of online media, so I read this book; I also figured since my SIL recommended it and she's fantastic that it would be equally fantastic.

It was a bit of a letdown.

Firstly, the book points out things that do happen, and in a somewhat more nuanced way than many works--but I feel that the author incorrectly labels them all as patriarchy. Literally everything is the fault of patriarchy in this author's work, and I think she's unnecessarily gendering many issues.

The behavior she describes is actually not one most if not all men espouse. It's the behavior of immature, insecure people, male or female. I've seen both men and women dominate, abuse, refuse emotional connection, sever their feelings, present a mask, and explode in rage. I've also seen both men and women be unwilling to change or be vulnerable.

I get the sense the author hasn't left the gender studies classroom in a very long time, because all of her descriptions of such behavior were either personally of her father who she seems to believe represents almost all men, or they were from books and movies, some of which it seems like she didn't watch. Almost every bit of her discussion of masculine behavior was pulled from movies in the case it was not her father or her SO.

The book also didn't need to be a book. It was a lengthy essay's worth of material at the most, and was extremely repetitive.

I do appreciate that she's quite right that boys deserve love. I don't appreciate how condescendingly she talks about men and their ability to love and so on.

She's right that man-hating is not a solution, but she's wrong that emotional disconnection and rage are solely a 'patriarchal' thing.

I feel the author needs to get outside and experience life besides her memories and her very specific crowd of people. Her memories aren't wrong, but I feel that her view is very limited at best, and that's a shame, since she seems to sincerely care about men and people in general. ...more

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Oct 22, 2019 rosa guac rated it it was amazing

Shelves: masculinity, feminism

i appreciate books that cerebrally fuck me to the core, and this one did it for me.
so often i have neglected men in the fight towards dismantling the patriarchy. they are men, they hold the power, they are patriarchy's food soldiers (or so i thought).

bell hooks' asks us to be more critical, especially to women who dedicate their lives to feminist activism. we often forget that men too are terrorized by patriarchy from the moment that they are born. it's imperative to understand their pain and ...more

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Jul 16, 2014 Sham Al-Ghazali rated it it was amazing

I finished the book within a week, and I concluded that Bell Hooks is the greatest contribution to feminism. My favourite chapter was on the male sexual being, it was so horrifically true, especially the paragraph on violence being equated to sex (fucking, bashing, banging, etc).

I think it's falls on the duty of feminists to not exclude men from the movement, because in doing so we are indirectly contributing to patriarchy. To show men love, real love, is the most forward way of thinking to be ...more

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About bell hooks

bell hooks

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Bell Hooks (born Gloria Jean Watkins) is an African-American author, feminist, and social activist. Her writing has focused on the interconnectivity of race, class, and gender and their ability to produce and perpetuate systems of oppression and domination. She has published over thirty books and numerous scholarly and mainstream articles, appeared in several documentary films and participated in ...more

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“To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.” — 43 likes

“Most gay men are as sexist in their thinking as are heterosexuals. Their patriarchal thinking leads them to construct paradigms of desirable sexual behaviour that is similar to that of patriarchal straight men.” — 26 likes

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