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Home by Choice: Raising Emotionally Secure Children in an Insecure World
It's one of the toughest choices a mother will ever make: to "work" or be a full-time mother? It is also a long-running debate between moms who feel they contribute more to society at work than at home and those who feel mothering is not just a full-time job but a calling. In this newly repackaged, expanded, and updated edition of Home by Choice, national authority Dr. Brenda Hunter brings research to the discussion table, arguing that no one can replace the care a mother provides. As kids grow up with parental presence, she says, they develop a sense of home that will serve them all their lives. Dr. Hunter speaks directly to moms, addressing their unique concerns-such as financial pressure, support from husbands, and personal fulfillment. She makes a well-reasoned case for the enduring effects of a mother's love.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
223 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
December 8, 2009
Fantastic, well-researched resource for moms who are wrestling with the decision of whether or not to stay home with their children. Legitimate concerns such as finances, support from your husband, and personal fulfillment are addressed. The research regarding early childhood emotional attachment and its long-lasting social effects is eye-opening!
February 18, 2012
Stay-at-home moms: affirmation resides in these pages.
The book is packed with personal stories and extensive research that encourage any mom who decides to stay at home with her kids during those crucial first few years. I was impressed with Dr. Hunter's unswerving position as she must've known her book would invite sharp criticism and controversy. Having experienced both sides (a working mom and a stay-at-home mom), she was able to relay the research with the needed sensitivity and empathy.
I appreciated, too, how she urged women to deal with what psychological blocks may come between her and her children. Being home is not enough--you have to be there completely (physically AND emotionally). So I need to deal with my issues so they don't transfer to my kids--this can apply to a tumultuous past, a rocky present, or an uncertain future.
Toward the end of the book, she addressed a woman's reentrance into the workforce and fought against the claim that a stay-at-home mom loses too much ground in the professional world to expect more than a mediocre job upon returning to work in her late 30s or early 40s. Dr. Hunter herself battled these emotions when she was staying home and pursuing an at-home writing career instead of diving back into the workforce when her daughters entered school. Her husband encouraged her to do what she believed best for their family, saying, "But become wholehearted about your life or you will miss the best that this season of your life has to offer." Good advice!
The book is packed with personal stories and extensive research that encourage any mom who decides to stay at home with her kids during those crucial first few years. I was impressed with Dr. Hunter's unswerving position as she must've known her book would invite sharp criticism and controversy. Having experienced both sides (a working mom and a stay-at-home mom), she was able to relay the research with the needed sensitivity and empathy.
I appreciated, too, how she urged women to deal with what psychological blocks may come between her and her children. Being home is not enough--you have to be there completely (physically AND emotionally). So I need to deal with my issues so they don't transfer to my kids--this can apply to a tumultuous past, a rocky present, or an uncertain future.
Toward the end of the book, she addressed a woman's reentrance into the workforce and fought against the claim that a stay-at-home mom loses too much ground in the professional world to expect more than a mediocre job upon returning to work in her late 30s or early 40s. Dr. Hunter herself battled these emotions when she was staying home and pursuing an at-home writing career instead of diving back into the workforce when her daughters entered school. Her husband encouraged her to do what she believed best for their family, saying, "But become wholehearted about your life or you will miss the best that this season of your life has to offer." Good advice!
April 27, 2012
If you're contemplating whether to stay home with your child or go to work, this book is highly recommended. Lots of great research and ideas for being creative about your choice.
March 27, 2018
When everyone else said take the promotion, I read this and chose to be home instead. Life-changing.
January 18, 2024
The only book I’ve read with both detailed research AND a Christian perspective. This book describes research to back up behind my strong desire to be with my baby and helps me understand why it’s so hard to be apart from him- it is the way God designed moms and babies. Working in the corporate world, it was bizarre to change my mind completely on career life after I had a baby. Popular books now give advice on how to balance career and mom life, this is the only I’ve read that endorses my desire to exit the workforce.
I read most of this at some point during my baby’s very early life and just now finished it. I would recommend it to any mom and I would read it again
I read the edition printed 1991, the year I was born. It’s sad to me that this research exists yet women are taught and expected to continue work when they become moms just as before.
Some notes:
Over 20 hours/wk childcare in 1st year= at risk psychologically
2 studies found boys particularly vulnerable. When moms return before 6 months, sons more likely to be insecurely attached to fathers. Over 20 hours in childcare more likely to be insecurely attached to both parents
Older children who enter daycare before one year are more physically and verbally abusive towards adults less cooperative with grownups and less tolerant of frustration
Daycare since three months equals more aggressive than kids who started it later
Early daycare children (prior to 12 months) were more influenced by their teachers then those cared for by their mothers. Entering care after 12 months causes the family to be the most socializing influence
Around age 3, sometimes later, a child can tolerate a half day’s absence
Divorce- fathers standard of living increases 42% while the mother and children’s decreases 73%
Ironic that feminism was started by three women who had absent to/abusive parents. Focuses on women’s complaints about staying at home, but no concern for what happens to a child without the mother
8th graders home alone 11+ hours/wk 2x likely to use alcohol, tobacco, marijuana
Sons of employed mothers perform less well academically than those w stay at home moms
Home for only a season
Become wholehearted about your life or you will miss the best that this period of your life has to offer
Visiting emotionally damaged moms 1/wk helped them become good moms when they never had one- someone to care for them allows them to care for their baby. Mothers of infants are extremely responsive to intervention
Half of people who enter psychotherapy get relief for their symptoms- all should turn and find their worthiness in the love of God, not in the love of their parents
140 males conceived for every 100 females- 35 die during gestation. 3/4 of stillbirth before 4 months are males
Until adulthood, it is difficult to find a pathological condition where incidence in females is higher than in males
Boys do worse when mom is away- a study of elementary kids shows sons appear to suffer when mom works outside the home
I read most of this at some point during my baby’s very early life and just now finished it. I would recommend it to any mom and I would read it again
I read the edition printed 1991, the year I was born. It’s sad to me that this research exists yet women are taught and expected to continue work when they become moms just as before.
Some notes:
Over 20 hours/wk childcare in 1st year= at risk psychologically
2 studies found boys particularly vulnerable. When moms return before 6 months, sons more likely to be insecurely attached to fathers. Over 20 hours in childcare more likely to be insecurely attached to both parents
Older children who enter daycare before one year are more physically and verbally abusive towards adults less cooperative with grownups and less tolerant of frustration
Daycare since three months equals more aggressive than kids who started it later
Early daycare children (prior to 12 months) were more influenced by their teachers then those cared for by their mothers. Entering care after 12 months causes the family to be the most socializing influence
Around age 3, sometimes later, a child can tolerate a half day’s absence
Divorce- fathers standard of living increases 42% while the mother and children’s decreases 73%
Ironic that feminism was started by three women who had absent to/abusive parents. Focuses on women’s complaints about staying at home, but no concern for what happens to a child without the mother
8th graders home alone 11+ hours/wk 2x likely to use alcohol, tobacco, marijuana
Sons of employed mothers perform less well academically than those w stay at home moms
Home for only a season
Become wholehearted about your life or you will miss the best that this period of your life has to offer
Visiting emotionally damaged moms 1/wk helped them become good moms when they never had one- someone to care for them allows them to care for their baby. Mothers of infants are extremely responsive to intervention
Half of people who enter psychotherapy get relief for their symptoms- all should turn and find their worthiness in the love of God, not in the love of their parents
140 males conceived for every 100 females- 35 die during gestation. 3/4 of stillbirth before 4 months are males
Until adulthood, it is difficult to find a pathological condition where incidence in females is higher than in males
Boys do worse when mom is away- a study of elementary kids shows sons appear to suffer when mom works outside the home
July 5, 2018
This was a terrible book.
I agree with the author's main premise: that (at least in the large majority of cases) there is no one who can love your child as much as you can, and there is therefore no one who will care for your child as well as you could. There are a multitude of reasons women choose to work outside the home, but it's always a trade-off; the benefits of a career are counterbalanced by the sacrifices made in terms of child care. To me this is common sense: of course no one is going to show as much interest in or put as much as much effort into the rearing of my child as I would.
"Home by Choice" aims to prove this through research, but unfortunately it seriously falls short of offering any compelling hard evidence. Hunter's main argument is shaped around attachment theories, which sound like total B.S. to me. She has a whole chapter on "Why Kids Kill" but fails to make any connection between kids who kill and mothers who work outside the home (if there is one - I don't assume that there is). Her "research" is in large part anecdotal and to me sounds like a big ball of victimization and self pity - people blaming their childhood for their emotional shortcomings as adults.
The second half of the book abandons all research and morphs into an uninspired self-help. Weird.
It's a bummer, because I really do support the movement for women to stay home while their children are young and I really do think there are probably objective ways to prove that it's in the best interest of the child to do so, but this book is JUST NOT IT.
I agree with the author's main premise: that (at least in the large majority of cases) there is no one who can love your child as much as you can, and there is therefore no one who will care for your child as well as you could. There are a multitude of reasons women choose to work outside the home, but it's always a trade-off; the benefits of a career are counterbalanced by the sacrifices made in terms of child care. To me this is common sense: of course no one is going to show as much interest in or put as much as much effort into the rearing of my child as I would.
"Home by Choice" aims to prove this through research, but unfortunately it seriously falls short of offering any compelling hard evidence. Hunter's main argument is shaped around attachment theories, which sound like total B.S. to me. She has a whole chapter on "Why Kids Kill" but fails to make any connection between kids who kill and mothers who work outside the home (if there is one - I don't assume that there is). Her "research" is in large part anecdotal and to me sounds like a big ball of victimization and self pity - people blaming their childhood for their emotional shortcomings as adults.
The second half of the book abandons all research and morphs into an uninspired self-help. Weird.
It's a bummer, because I really do support the movement for women to stay home while their children are young and I really do think there are probably objective ways to prove that it's in the best interest of the child to do so, but this book is JUST NOT IT.
November 8, 2023
Real stories plus research
The author gathers personal stories and research to describe the reasons that staying home with your infants just makes sense. Even if you get the best nanny possible your babies can’t tell you what is going on all day. You come home looking for signs that they are happy and all is well but they can’t speak yet so how do you really know?
As a working mother in a full time job you are focused 8 hours or more a day pleasing bosses and clients. All that time, the most precious thing in your life, your children, are away from you and being raised and nurtured by someone else.
Betsy and Gloria promised you can have it all - perfect kids and a fabulous career. Turns out, you cannot be two places at once. Hours at work mean hours away from your children and vice versa. One will suffer. Which one matters more? It’s up to you.
The author gathers personal stories and research to describe the reasons that staying home with your infants just makes sense. Even if you get the best nanny possible your babies can’t tell you what is going on all day. You come home looking for signs that they are happy and all is well but they can’t speak yet so how do you really know?
As a working mother in a full time job you are focused 8 hours or more a day pleasing bosses and clients. All that time, the most precious thing in your life, your children, are away from you and being raised and nurtured by someone else.
Betsy and Gloria promised you can have it all - perfect kids and a fabulous career. Turns out, you cannot be two places at once. Hours at work mean hours away from your children and vice versa. One will suffer. Which one matters more? It’s up to you.
June 16, 2024
I read the older edition of this book, so a lot of the research isn’t representative of today (though was interesting to see another piece of the puzzle of how we got where we are). Lots of anecdotes from mothers and children’s perspectives.
Would highly recommend to any mother or anyone who wants to be a mother. I had already decided to stay home before starting this book, but reading about the benefits for your children of a present mother (and the long lasting detriments of an absent one) has been a bolster on the difficult days.
Would highly recommend to any mother or anyone who wants to be a mother. I had already decided to stay home before starting this book, but reading about the benefits for your children of a present mother (and the long lasting detriments of an absent one) has been a bolster on the difficult days.
March 22, 2021
This book is a game changer. I can't tell you how many times I've recommended this book to others!
December 28, 2025
The first half of this book is pretty decent. There’s information and research on child development and you’ll find support for choosing to stay home with your children in a society that looks down on that.
The second half of this book is garbage. I know it was written a long time ago, but for anyone reading it now, the whole section on depression needs an update, the section on supporting your husband should just be omitted and there’s too many references to God and personal stories.
The second half of this book is garbage. I know it was written a long time ago, but for anyone reading it now, the whole section on depression needs an update, the section on supporting your husband should just be omitted and there’s too many references to God and personal stories.
August 21, 2008
The toughest change I have ever made was to stay home from a career to raise my children. This book addressed many of the issues I had to come to grips with as a SAHM and helped me immensely with my priorities. At the end of the day, it was the best decision we ever made.
June 29, 2009
Good for young mothers who can manage a household on a single income with support from a good man; children need this support from a mom whenever possible.
Several of my latest books are for our church library and I was able to read several while it rains and rains and rains in Maine.
Several of my latest books are for our church library and I was able to read several while it rains and rains and rains in Maine.
August 31, 2009
Every woman who stays home with their children should read this book. Not an LDS perspective - the author is a doctor citing research to back up what she says. Excellent read! You'll never again wonder if you are doing the right thing by staying home.
August 12, 2009
This is well written but her message is a little over the top. I would give it two and a half stars.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews