Ten Tiny Breaths

A soft hiss ... my heart thumping in my ears. I hear nothing else.

....Mom? ...Dad? ...

Dim lights … voices …

I see them. I hear them. They’re all around, closing in. I open my mouth to scream, but I can’t find the energy. The voices get louder, the lights brighter. A reedy gasp sets my hairs on end. Like a person struggling for their dying breath.

I hear a loud snap, snap, snap, like someone pulling stage light levers; light suddenly pours in from all angles, illuminating the car with blinding power.

The smashed windshield.

The twisted metal.

Dark smears.

Liquid pools.

Blood. Everywhere.

It all suddenly disappears and I’m falling backward, crashing into cold water, sinking further into the darkness, picking up speed as the weight of an ocean swallows me whole. I open my mouth to search for air. A lungs worth of cold water greets me in a rush, filling me inside. The pressure in my chest is unbearable. It’s ready to explode. I can’t breathe....I can’t breathe......

Where I’m a looming thundercloud, she’s the sunshine breaking through.

THE FIRST MILLION PIECES --

I've become so numb I can't feel you there. Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am isn't me.

The air leaves my lungs in a swoosh, and I’m left staring at a set of deep dimples and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen—cobalt rings with light blue on the inside. I squint. Do they have turquoise flecks inside them? Yes! My God! The blue floors, the rusty old machines, the walls, everything around me vanishes under the weight of his gaze as it strips me of my protective bitch coat, yanking it clean off my body, leaving me bare and vulnerable in seconds.

Mia steps out from behind her mother’s legs and wanders into our apartment, dragging a faded yellow fleece blanket behind her. At first she simply takes in our place, likely investigating for hints about her new ‘friends.’ When her eyes finally rest on Livie, they don’t shift again.
Livie drops to her knees to meet Mia face to face, a giant grin stretching her lips. “I’m Livie.” Mia holds up her blanket, her face serious. “This is Mr. Magoo. He’s my friend.”

Every fiber of my body is craving it.
Craving Trent.
I feel like I’ve come up for my first gasp of air after being under water for years.
....I’m too busy fighting this internal battle inside that tells me I must resist this charm. It’s all an act. He’s no good for me.

I fight to stay numb. That’s how I get through each day and it’s worked well for me. Until now. Now Trent has edged into my life and I can’t focus....Somehow he’s managed to slide a finger in under my titanium coat and touch me in a way that no one else has ever touched me.

I cautiously reach out, my stomach muscles coiled into a tight ball, suddenly panicked that whatever I felt earlier might be temporary, that I’ve lost it again. When my fingertips graze his and warmth spreads through me, that dread evaporates.

His warmth. His life.

Closing my eyes, I slide my hand further in, slipping my fingers between his and curling them around. My lips part in a small gasp when his grip tightens over mine. He doesn’t move closer though. He doesn’t try anything or say anything. We stand like that, in the doorway, our hands entwined, for what feels like forever.

“I want to make you smile. For real. Always. We’re going to go for dinners, and see movies, and walk on the beach. We’ll go hang-gliding, or bungee jumping, or whatever you want to do. Whatever makes you smile and laugh more.” His fingers toy with my bottom lip. “Let me make you smile.”

Nothing but ten tiny breaths holds the rest of me together.

I’m falling.
Falling backward into the deep, dark water.
It’s pouring over me, into me, through my mouth, up my nose, filling my lungs, seizing my will to breathe, to live.
I accept it. I welcome it.
In the distance, I hear voices. I hear people calling my name, but I can’t find them. They’re safe, above water.
In another world. The world of the living.
There’s no place for me there.

“Oh, Kace.” Trent’s lips curve and he flashes me the deepest set of dimples I’ve ever seen, buckling my knees. “Nothing’s ever been more right.”
That’s all I need to hear. I barrel into his arms, my mouth connecting with his.
Seizing him. Feeling him. Loving him.

“Just breathe. Ten tiny breaths....
Seize them.
Feel them.
Love them.”

"The blue floors, the rusty old machines, the walls, everything around me vanishes under the weight if his gaze as it strips me of my protective bitch coat, yanking it clean off my body, levaing me bare and vulnerable in second."

"The blue floors, the rusty old machines, the walls, everything around me vanishes under the weight if his gaze as it strips me of my protective bitch coat, yanking it clean off my body, levaing me bare and vulnerable in second."

"Just breathe," my mom would say. "Ten tiny breaths ... Seize them. Feel them. Love them."

“Just breathe,”
“Ten tiny breaths…
Seize them.
Feel them.
Love them.”

“Just breathe,”
“Ten tiny breaths…
Seize them.
Feel them.
Love them.”

So slow, so light, my fingertip skims his index finger. He still doesn’t move his hand. He remains completely frozen, as if waiting for me to make my move. Swallowing hard, I let my entire hand skate over his. I hear a sharp intake of air as he gasps, his jaw clenching. His eyes are locked on mine and they’re unreadable. Finally, his hand shifts and covers mine, his fingers gently slipping in between. Not forceful, not rushed.



I can’t contain the euphoria swelling inside me. Trent’s touch is full of life.

Just breathe, Kacey. Ten tiny breaths. Seize them. Feel them. Love them.

Just breathe, Kacey. Ten tiny breaths. Seize them. Feel them. Love them.