What do you think?
Rate this book
Love Is A Choice Breaking The Cycle Of Addictive Relationships
These bestselling doctors walk you through their ten proven stages to recovery from codependency that results from external circustances. Humans are susceptible to codependency because of our sinful tendency to use defense mechanisms to fool ourselves. In codependent relationships, deceitful games are played, and important Christian principles are often taken out of context and abused. God wants us to have healthy relationships with a balance between being dependent and independent. The doctors describe how the most effective means of overcoming codependent relationships is to establish or deepen a relationship with Christ Himself. They describe the causes of codependency, pointing out the factors that perpetuate it, and lead readers through their ten stages of recovery.
Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
303 people are currently reading
1268 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 69 reviews
May 29, 2022
I can't believe I actually finished this book, I started it in 2016 and just couldn't read it. I'll post the review later.
Later:
Recenzia pe care am scris-o e mai mult tehnica, un mic rezumat.
Cartea este împărțită în cinci părți, în care se prezintă conceptul de codependență, cauzele ei și zece pași prin care te poți vindeca de ea.
Codependența este nereușita de a-ți controla sentimentele, compensată prin controlul exercitat asupra oamenilor, obiectelor sau evenimentelor exterioare. Codependența se manifestă în familiile noastre și afectează viața a generații întregi, de aceea este deosebit de important să fie recunoscută și tratată. Termenul opus codependenței nu este independența, ci interdependența, văzută ca și capacitatea de a trăi suficient de dependent de celălalt pentru a fi vulnerabil, însă păstrând o imagine de sine completă.
Cauzele comportamentului codependent se află în nevoile afective neîmplinite, setea de iubire pe care fiecare om o are în mod natural și rezervorul de iubire care nu este umplut de către părinții afectați și ei la rândul lor de codependență. În mod ideal, Dumnezeu umple rezervoarele de iubire ale părinților, iar ei sunt capabili să îl umple pe cel al copilului lor. Acest lucru insa nu se intampla, prin urmare fiecare dintre noi traim cu un rezervor al iubirii mai mult sau mai putin gol.
Mi-a plăcut mult felul în care este scrisă cartea, părțile teoretice fiind întrerupte pe alocuri de povestiri și de ilustrații interesante, ce dau un ritm ușor de citit și ușor de înțeles. Cartea nu a lasat un efect foarte marcant asupra mea, in parte si pentru ca am citit inainte Limite, de Townsend, care m-a luminat si m-a ajutat sa imi identific mai multe comportamente dependente, insa este o lucrare de calitate, ce o recomand tuturor celor care simt ca viata goneste pe langa ei, fara sa poata fi traita cu adevarat.
Later:
Recenzia pe care am scris-o e mai mult tehnica, un mic rezumat.
Cartea este împărțită în cinci părți, în care se prezintă conceptul de codependență, cauzele ei și zece pași prin care te poți vindeca de ea.
Codependența este nereușita de a-ți controla sentimentele, compensată prin controlul exercitat asupra oamenilor, obiectelor sau evenimentelor exterioare. Codependența se manifestă în familiile noastre și afectează viața a generații întregi, de aceea este deosebit de important să fie recunoscută și tratată. Termenul opus codependenței nu este independența, ci interdependența, văzută ca și capacitatea de a trăi suficient de dependent de celălalt pentru a fi vulnerabil, însă păstrând o imagine de sine completă.
Cauzele comportamentului codependent se află în nevoile afective neîmplinite, setea de iubire pe care fiecare om o are în mod natural și rezervorul de iubire care nu este umplut de către părinții afectați și ei la rândul lor de codependență. În mod ideal, Dumnezeu umple rezervoarele de iubire ale părinților, iar ei sunt capabili să îl umple pe cel al copilului lor. Acest lucru insa nu se intampla, prin urmare fiecare dintre noi traim cu un rezervor al iubirii mai mult sau mai putin gol.
Mi-a plăcut mult felul în care este scrisă cartea, părțile teoretice fiind întrerupte pe alocuri de povestiri și de ilustrații interesante, ce dau un ritm ușor de citit și ușor de înțeles. Cartea nu a lasat un efect foarte marcant asupra mea, in parte si pentru ca am citit inainte Limite, de Townsend, care m-a luminat si m-a ajutat sa imi identific mai multe comportamente dependente, insa este o lucrare de calitate, ce o recomand tuturor celor care simt ca viata goneste pe langa ei, fara sa poata fi traita cu adevarat.
May 10, 2012
I wanted to learn a little more about codependency and this was a very informative book with some cool insights.
The title is a bit sensationalistic....to try to get people with issue to pick it up perhaps? I don't know. But I feel like it was inappropriately titled. Because really, it's more about getting healthy IN relationships.
Of course not everyone is codependent, but I think everyone can find tidbits of insight learning about any topic, that can help in life. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone who is interested in learning more about themselves.
The title is a bit sensationalistic....to try to get people with issue to pick it up perhaps? I don't know. But I feel like it was inappropriately titled. Because really, it's more about getting healthy IN relationships.
Of course not everyone is codependent, but I think everyone can find tidbits of insight learning about any topic, that can help in life. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone who is interested in learning more about themselves.
January 6, 2009
Hands down the best book on the subject of co-dependency there is. Nearly every client I have reads this book and winds up agreeing with me. Even ministers I recommend it to say it's the best book they've read since the Bible.
October 2, 2025
I think the title is a bit over-enthusiastic. It surely is the definitive book on getting awareness about co-dependency, but that's it.
I would argue it contained too many examples and not enough basis for real understanding of the phenomenon. A great deal of things felt like subjective thinking.
By the end, you get only the idea of an experience you might get through counseling, but not the real expertise to help navigate your own past/ co-dependencies. You get advices and some tools that can help you identify important details, but they are of no real help if not addressed during professional counseling.
I would argue it contained too many examples and not enough basis for real understanding of the phenomenon. A great deal of things felt like subjective thinking.
By the end, you get only the idea of an experience you might get through counseling, but not the real expertise to help navigate your own past/ co-dependencies. You get advices and some tools that can help you identify important details, but they are of no real help if not addressed during professional counseling.
June 14, 2020
I read this book for research and counseling purposes. I felt like it was very informative, Biblically based, and Christ centered. I think that Biblically based psychology in its proper context is a good thing. It doesn’t excuse sin, but it does explain the reasons why we all have a certain bend towards certain sins. It then points to the only solution, which is Jesus Christ. I felt like this book walked that line very well. I would have given it five stars, except on the very last page it made a theological statement that I disagree with. But an overall great read.
October 29, 2022
I read an Arabic translation of the book. The book belongs to the Christian psychology genre, however, most of the Christian religious concepts were converted to Islamic counterparts. I don't know whether the translator was granted the permission to do so. This conversion was not consistent either which was odd.
Did I like the book? Absolutely. I think I need to read the Original English version as well to get the authors' message exactly as they wanted it to be delivered.
My eyes are now open on aspects of myself I never knew existed. Love indeed should be choice.
Did I like the book? Absolutely. I think I need to read the Original English version as well to get the authors' message exactly as they wanted it to be delivered.
My eyes are now open on aspects of myself I never knew existed. Love indeed should be choice.
September 1, 2012
Why do your relationships struggle? Why do you develop unhealthy dependencies of any kind--too much cleaning, working, exercising...these can all be outlets for unhealthy emotions that need to be addressed. I've read dozens, if not hundreds, of self-help books and this is the definitive book. This will get you moving forward with life.
December 25, 2022
Книга про співзалежність.
Дуже цінна, глибока, просто написана. Хоч і про складне.
Як бути зціленням, а не болем одне для одного.
Психологія і християнство тонко доповнюють одне одного.
Книга написана психологами, психотерапевтами, які живуть згідно християнських цінностей.
Дуже цінна, глибока, просто написана. Хоч і про складне.
Як бути зціленням, а не болем одне для одного.
Психологія і християнство тонко доповнюють одне одного.
Книга написана психологами, психотерапевтами, які живуть згідно християнських цінностей.
August 21, 2017
Painful. Revelatory. Left me asking myself, "so now what do I do?"
I am glad that I read this book. Finding it was one of those strange instances where a book calls out to you, or, in this case, the title practically screams at you.
I found it in a box of books that was about to get thrown into the recycling bin.
And then I found myself in the pages. That hurt. A lot. A whole fucking lot.
Despite the Christian rhetoric, this is a good book and I learned a great deal by reading it. I plan to keep it and work the ten steps it describes as well as getting help from a professional therapist. All in all, I am very grateful that this book came into my life. :)
I am glad that I read this book. Finding it was one of those strange instances where a book calls out to you, or, in this case, the title practically screams at you.
I found it in a box of books that was about to get thrown into the recycling bin.
And then I found myself in the pages. That hurt. A lot. A whole fucking lot.
Despite the Christian rhetoric, this is a good book and I learned a great deal by reading it. I plan to keep it and work the ten steps it describes as well as getting help from a professional therapist. All in all, I am very grateful that this book came into my life. :)
June 12, 2021
A counselor recommended for me to read this. It was insightful and helpful. I would suggest anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family to read this. Whether that’s divorce, addictions, abuse, or all of the above. It provides insight on how we function as individuals and how to maintain healthy relationships even when that was not tangibly seen throughout our lives.
January 2, 2020
incredibly helpful book for every neurotic person out there.
January 20, 2025
Review revised January 2025, due to revisiting book for writing a paper on the topic of what is called codependency for a counseling class:
Would recommend as a resource for the sake of understanding what is labeled codependency with caution to seasoned and well-read Christians who have a depth of biblical knowledge in their theological background - very rooted in modern/late 1980s psychology… and then mixed with some scripture and Christian phrases… (not trying to be harsh as there is good to be gleaned, but trying to update according to further understanding and research)
What I would HIGHLY recommend instead is Ed Welch’s When People are Big and God is Small (written in 1997 and revised for a 2nd edition).
Personal review for that here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
2.25/5 🌟
Review 1st written in 2018:
“Every book has a theme; that is, an underlying message; and the theme of this one is control... for the key to overcoming codependency is a relationship with God established the only way He has declared He wants it established- through Jesus Christ.”
This book is basically a crash course of counseling wrapped in a written package. It is life changing.
1st read: 2/14-3/3/2018
Given then 5/5 🌟
Would recommend as a resource for the sake of understanding what is labeled codependency with caution to seasoned and well-read Christians who have a depth of biblical knowledge in their theological background - very rooted in modern/late 1980s psychology… and then mixed with some scripture and Christian phrases… (not trying to be harsh as there is good to be gleaned, but trying to update according to further understanding and research)
What I would HIGHLY recommend instead is Ed Welch’s When People are Big and God is Small (written in 1997 and revised for a 2nd edition).
Personal review for that here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
2.25/5 🌟
Review 1st written in 2018:
“Every book has a theme; that is, an underlying message; and the theme of this one is control... for the key to overcoming codependency is a relationship with God established the only way He has declared He wants it established- through Jesus Christ.”
This book is basically a crash course of counseling wrapped in a written package. It is life changing.
1st read: 2/14-3/3/2018
Given then 5/5 🌟
February 20, 2016
This book was very helpful to me in the past; it explained better than I ever had known some of the feelings I had and why I was stuck in unhealthy relationships and what I was doing to keep it all unhealthy and was making it worse. What came naturally to me was hurting everybody especially me, and I didn't know how to change or improve it all. I now know that I am not alone in this kind of thinking and it can (and did!) improve. I am grateful to a great counselor and other books too that gave me hope for a better future. I am of course still learning and growing and seeing sides of myself that need work ! But I have hope that there are those who can guide and lead and teach those who want to learn. (Thank God !)
October 20, 2016
This book was helpful in bringing to light the thoughts that are often kept in the subconscious. I read a lot of self-help books, but the tone of this one was particularly helpful. While gentle in the approach, the author is firm in his analysis and experience of dealing with codependents. Marriage is discussed at length, but I don't believe this should deter singles from reading; the author described is as a way to be more aware before entering a marriage. The last section of this book has a heavy emphasis on Christianity being the only way in which one can achieve healing from codependency, and while I enjoyed this approach, I can see where it would be off-putting to certain readers. Overall, I thought this book provided insight and is an excellent step to take towards healing.
March 27, 2016
Very helpful. I found this book on my late-mother's bookshelf. I hope in heaven to have a chance to talk to her about her story and journey. Although she never came out and talked to me about co-dependency, her life reflected the hard work she did to get out of this painful and damaging addiction. Her life gives me hope for continued healing and joy in a new way of living life.
I read the first half of this book, then set it aside while I read other books on co-dependency, specifically several Melody Beattie books. God has used them in my life to build on each other and help me in my healing journey.
The last half of this book is a step by step guide. Very practical.
I read the first half of this book, then set it aside while I read other books on co-dependency, specifically several Melody Beattie books. God has used them in my life to build on each other and help me in my healing journey.
The last half of this book is a step by step guide. Very practical.
July 24, 2018
This book is a must for any person disappointed by love and relationships. Fear and desperation can cause you to hold onto a destructive relationship because you feel God would be mad at you for giving up. But, you can only work on yourself. This work can help you realize that once you let go, then God can do His miraculous work on you and others. From the Christian doctors at Minirth Clinic. I have read it about 10 times over the last 20+ years.
January 18, 2009
Helpful in explaining what codependency is and how to start taking steps in overcoming it, though I got confused sometime about what codependency leaves off and other addictions/relationship problems begin. The definition seems very broad. Even though I believe in God the Christian tone of the book also made me a little uncomfortable.
January 2, 2014
Great book, but kept putting Christianity in my face over and over. The premise is simple: if you weren't loved enough at a young age, you might be miserable now. And as we all know: misery loves company.
Had this title been more about that and less about Jebus, I probably would have given it four stars.
Had this title been more about that and less about Jebus, I probably would have given it four stars.
July 20, 2016
A lot of the book is kind of repetitive, but the message is great! Only when God is in your life is when relationships start to become better.
June 20, 2017
Fantastic book on why we are sometimes drawn to destructive behaviours and relationships. Must read!
July 6, 2021
This book is a challenge if ever there was one. It is hard to face down the reality of codependency in your own life, particularly if you consider yourself to be a competent and intelligent person, and it is even harder to confront the reality of what changes you need to make in your own life to end this cycle of brokenness and sin. But you are worth the fight.
Perhaps it is simply this season of my life, but I found this book to be hands down the most helpful and insightful book I've read in years (maybe with one exception). So many of the concepts these authors review - emotional incest and unfinished business, for instance - are problems I have identified in relationships but never had the terminology to pin down. And having the clinical perspective merged with the Christian worldview was wonderful, since the authors were thereby able to provide a healthy, balanced message to readers like myself. I could go on and on about this book - and I suspect I will be doing precisely that for the foreseeable future - but the long and short is: this book is full of wisdom and compassion, offering a Biblical and healthy vision for what relationships are really supposed to be like (and why relationships that do not meet this vision must be rehabilitated or exited swiftly, for the sake of ourselves, our children, our relationship with God, and our God-given calls in life).
I commend this book to every member of the human race. May it bless you the way it blessed me. May it convict you the way it convicted me. And may it give you a hope to light the painful but meaningful path of healing before you.
Perhaps it is simply this season of my life, but I found this book to be hands down the most helpful and insightful book I've read in years (maybe with one exception). So many of the concepts these authors review - emotional incest and unfinished business, for instance - are problems I have identified in relationships but never had the terminology to pin down. And having the clinical perspective merged with the Christian worldview was wonderful, since the authors were thereby able to provide a healthy, balanced message to readers like myself. I could go on and on about this book - and I suspect I will be doing precisely that for the foreseeable future - but the long and short is: this book is full of wisdom and compassion, offering a Biblical and healthy vision for what relationships are really supposed to be like (and why relationships that do not meet this vision must be rehabilitated or exited swiftly, for the sake of ourselves, our children, our relationship with God, and our God-given calls in life).
I commend this book to every member of the human race. May it bless you the way it blessed me. May it convict you the way it convicted me. And may it give you a hope to light the painful but meaningful path of healing before you.
September 10, 2020
Love is a choice, is such a profound book. It covers every inch of information needed to grasp the vicious cycle of codependency and the rippleeffects it has in many lives apart and including your own.
I've never read a book where I had to take so many breaks between chapters, not because it was boring, but because I had to digest and fathom what I've been reading.
Being a victim of a SO's addiction, this book taught me about the degree of codependency I had and in many ways still do. It teaches you how to recognize the traces and behavior of codependency in your life and in others, without making you feel guilty or blaming you.
As a counselor (or whoever), it's nice having a tool to help yourself and others in a way that would stay with you and help you for many years and stages in your life.
Highly recommend this for everyone!!!
Read this, memorize this, make this a lifestyle.
I've never read a book where I had to take so many breaks between chapters, not because it was boring, but because I had to digest and fathom what I've been reading.
Being a victim of a SO's addiction, this book taught me about the degree of codependency I had and in many ways still do. It teaches you how to recognize the traces and behavior of codependency in your life and in others, without making you feel guilty or blaming you.
As a counselor (or whoever), it's nice having a tool to help yourself and others in a way that would stay with you and help you for many years and stages in your life.
Highly recommend this for everyone!!!
Read this, memorize this, make this a lifestyle.
October 6, 2023
Although some of this information I found really helpful. A lot of it is outdated in approach. I was 3/4 the way through but ended up not finishing it just because it’s very rooted in Christianity and I’m not religious.
I don’t find some of the advice they give to be helpful and in the best interest for the reader/co-dependent because it talks about maintaining the biblical family structure pretty much about anything else. It talks about “healing” but only in the way that it maintains the family structure. You’re allowed to say what happened but you’re not allowed to dishonor your parents. It’s a slippery slope….
I wouldn’t really recommend this book because of the possibility of guilt or shame that would arise from it. This wouldn’t be a good first read on this type of topic.
I don’t find some of the advice they give to be helpful and in the best interest for the reader/co-dependent because it talks about maintaining the biblical family structure pretty much about anything else. It talks about “healing” but only in the way that it maintains the family structure. You’re allowed to say what happened but you’re not allowed to dishonor your parents. It’s a slippery slope….
I wouldn’t really recommend this book because of the possibility of guilt or shame that would arise from it. This wouldn’t be a good first read on this type of topic.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 14, 2021
Codependency outside of usual constructs was an interesting concept. To understand the the pitfalls of codependency with respect to relationships was very intriguing. But this book was filled with far too much sexism and christian dogma to be accepted as valid. I would venture to guess that more than 50% of this book quotes scripture from the bible, cites god, and promotes christian beliefs. The rest of the book investigates codependency as a new construct. I'm sure there are better books than this one; I hope to find one.
October 30, 2025
This was a very helpful, very well researched Christian aspect on codependency. I could definitely see myself in the traits. What was funny though, when they were trying to get you to analyze yourself in the roles you play, all I could figure out were the roles of the Simpsons lol. But one of the Bible verses they mentioned broke me at 1:30 in the morning. While I was not technically reading “The Bible” Bible verses are still a double edged sword and it did what it needed to do. This book is wonderful and I highly recommend it.
August 30, 2018
Starts with an explanation of what codependency is by taking a look at various peoples struggles and referencing a couple counseling sessions. Then it describes a 10 step process for over coming codependency.
I didn't do all of the exercises; however, this book encourages you to take a closer look at your childhood and past relationships and become more self aware.
Interesting take aways: avoid the natural instinct to return home & pay attention to how and when you fill your love tanks
I didn't do all of the exercises; however, this book encourages you to take a closer look at your childhood and past relationships and become more self aware.
Interesting take aways: avoid the natural instinct to return home & pay attention to how and when you fill your love tanks
January 2, 2021
There are a lot of tidbits and list making that help for introspection and reflection, but the authors can become sidetracked with biblical notations. I wish I had had some knowledge of this before starting, because it can be tedious if you’re not of a Christian persuasion. But if you think you’re someone who may be codependent, it can be beneficial to grab at copy at your local library - or for a few bucks at a garage sale, rummage bin, or the such.
January 5, 2024
This is the ultimate book on codependency, both the addiction and recovery. It explains how and why people end up in codependent relationships as well as how to stop those behaviors and live a healthy life.
It does discuss God and Christianity but I think those concepts can be applied to any idea of a higher power.
It does discuss God and Christianity but I think those concepts can be applied to any idea of a higher power.
January 24, 2021
A few notes from this book:
1. We’re all codependent in some form or fashion to some degree.
2. Our brains are fascinating, albeit sometimes deceiving and persistent, in getting our human needs met. Often in unlikely and unhealthy ways.
3. Will definitely re-read this one!
1. We’re all codependent in some form or fashion to some degree.
2. Our brains are fascinating, albeit sometimes deceiving and persistent, in getting our human needs met. Often in unlikely and unhealthy ways.
3. Will definitely re-read this one!
June 25, 2023
Definitely a very helpful tool for navigating relationships that are unhealthy by changing how you habitually respond. It’s pretty dense at times and can feel slow but it’s just packed with great info. Worth the read I’d you find yourself dealing with this sort of thing.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 69 reviews