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Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops #2

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'Customer (holding up a book): "What’s this? The Secret Garden? Well, it’s not so secret now, is it, since they bloody well wrote a book about it!'"

From "Did Harry Potter kill Hitler?" to "Can we play cricket in your bookshop?", a selection of the most ridiculous conversations from the shop floor. Bewildering, hilarious and slightly alarming, this is a book for dedicated booksellers and booklovers everywhere.

Illustrated by the Brothers McLeod, this collection includes queries and incidents from bookshops (and libraries) around the world, and even a section of Weird Things Customers Say at 'Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Book Signings.'

128 pages, Hardcover

First published April 18, 2013

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About the author

Jen Campbell

32 books12k followers
​Jen Campbell is a bestselling author and award-winning poet. Her short story collection The Beginning of the World in the Middle of the Night is published by Two Roads, her children's picture books, Franklin's Flying Bookshop, Franklin and Luna go to the Moon, and Franklin and Luna and the Book of Fairy Tales are published by Thames & Hudson. Her poetry collection The Girl Aquarium is published by Bloodaxe.

Jen is also the author of the Sunday Times bestselling Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops series, and The Bookshop Book. Her poetry pamphlet The Hungry Ghost Festival is published by The Rialto. She's a recipient of an Eric Gregory Award and won the Jane Martin Poetry Prize.

Jen worked as a bookseller for ten years and now has a Youtube channel, where she talks about all things books. She also runs a podcast called BOOKS WITH JEN, is Vlogger in Residence for the Poetry Book Society, offers writing workshops and editorial services, and runs a book club for TOAST.

She grew up in the north east of England and now lives in London. She is represented by Charlie Campbell at Kingsford Campbell.

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,366 reviews
January 4, 2018
Update 6. This is the nastiest 'customer' ever. Since we reopened in Oct. after Irma/Maria until mid-December I was giving away books. I thought it can't all be about money and with no electricity and a curfew, there is nothing to do. This lady, a rasta, I know, who used to read books on algorithms at bedtime (that's not all she did in bed, she has 11 children with her husband) came in and asked about the free books. She probably doesn't have much money for things like books, so I said help yourself, have as many as you want. She took 16 books.

Next day I was behind her to cash in the supermarket. She had a laden trolley, even the shelf underneath was full. She was the next to cash and turned and said to me, "Is that all you have?" I had just a single yoghurt. "Yes," I said, thinking she was going to say, go ahead. But no she pushed her stuff forward so that the cashier would cash her first. I was so pissed off I walked off and gave my yoghurt to my son who joined another queue. He was third in the queue and we still got through before her and her $200+ cart.

So Kismet, real name, don't expect any rides from me anymore, let alone discounts or free books. What a miserable human being.

5. An extremely weird customer, perhaps the weirdest ever. He came into the shop and said that he had two books he had never read that his wife had given him and before he put them up for sale on Facebook he wondered if we would give him $10 each for them. I asked when he got them, he said in 2009 or 2010! The titles were The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra and Tantric Sex: Making Love Last. I asked him why he wanted to bring them back now. He said he and his wife had separated and he was clearing out his place. I said I was sorry and hoped it wasn't too traumatic. No, he said, we've just grown apart. Ya think she was trying to tell him something and he just didn't want to know? Idiot man.

4. A customer I got my own back on! This is a regular customer. She is extremely wealthy, despite that she bounces cheques, 'forgets to sign them and all the rest. I will only take cash or a credit card from her now. Anyway, about a month ago she came in asking to borrow a phone to call her husband (who has a trust company across the road, but up the hill) so I loaned her my phone. She went with it accidentally.

Within the hour I called her husband who didn't believe me. He never buys books from me because I was upset with him once when he ordered books he decided not to bother picking up and I'd trusted him enough not to get a deposit. I'm not high enough on the social scale for him to bother about. So he phoned her, she confirmed she had the phone in her bag. I asked for it back. He said it was difficult so I said ok, tomorrow morning. Then I texted her on my phone and hers. No answer. I phoned both phones, no answer. Nice of her.

I didn't get the phone back for 48 hours. Her husband sent a clerk with it. No one apologised.

Yesterday she came in and said there was someone she really didn't want to see at her husband's could she borrow a phone to call. The landline and two cell phones were on the desk. No I said, I haven't got any money on them. She asked my clerk. My clerk said she'd forgotten to top up hers as well. No one said anything about the landline. The customer said do you have Skype. Yes! What's his name, oh I don't have his name, but we can call him. No I said, I only have free Skype.

She said I guess I am just going to have to face the music and go up and see him then. I said was there a problem? She said that it was a money issue, her insurance company hadn't paid out for an accident.

I think I know what she was talking about. When her vehicle is trapped between two others and she can't get out easily and there is no-one looking, she just goes back and forth hitting both cars until she gets out. But we can see her from the shop window. So the last time, the clerk put an unsigned note on both vehicles saying who was responsible.

Now this is a very wealthy lady with several businesses, goes to all the top Government parties and she acts like this. I think the top of the social tree is just where there are less people, not better ones.


See ** (2.) The man who pays for but never takes the books. Jojo spent just a few days in the hospital in a coma with high blood pressure before he died. His family dressed him in the most extravagantly coloured clothes they could find to suit his personality, and buried him in what they thought was going to be a small funeral. It was one of the biggest funerals of 2015. Everyone came. Politicians came, the crack addicts who beg for money outside the supermarket came, shopkeepers, restauranteurs and taxi men. Jojo had lived on the streets because he couldn't live in a house. He wasn't poor, he more than paid his way. He would visit all of us, sometimes he was really smelly but never mind about that, he would sit down and converse very loudly, always friendly and always interesting. He was very intelligent and quite well read.

In 2014 his eldest sister, Jools, a brilliant baker and one of the funniest people I ever met, who had been my first friend on the island, later an employee and then back to being a friend had died of bone cancer. Jools was short, extremely obese - round really - and had a long stick with a nail stuck in the end of it. She used it for putting up mobiles in the shop (it was a gift shop and boutique back then). More than once someone leaving the store without paying would find the nail hooked at the back of their collar, she had a cheek did Jools. She also on one awful occasion hooked a fabulous looking guy back in. He asked her what she thought she was doing, and she said, 'the boss fancies you and wants to talk to you'. Luckily he was amused.... I was embarrassed beyond belief.

Jools and I had been pregnant together, our children grown, and she is not here to see them, neither their uncle Jojo. RIP Jools and Jojo, I loved you both.


3. The man who wants fast food in the Himalayas
Yesterday I had a lovely man in from the "shif" whose English was very strangely accented and who wanted a book on breadmaking but rejected all the ones I had. Most of them involved bread machines and he was adamant it had to be bread for an oven. There was a difficulty in that I could hardly understand his English and he was convinced he spoke it perfectly. Eventually I understood that he was a steward on a cruise ship and that this was his last trip, he had raised money and wanted to open an ersatz MacDonalds in his city in Nepal. He said that there were no real (only pretend ones) in Nepal outside of Katmandu but none in his city.

I asked how, as Hindus, he could do beef burgers and he said buffalo. He said, "cow holy, but buffalo good eating". He said that he had to get the buns right, they had to be exactly like MacDonalds buns and none of my bread books had what looked like the right recipe. I hope he finds it, he was a lovely man, small, earnest and had worked away from his family for years and years to save the money for his own buffalo-burger Macdonalds. (For pic see this one in Nepal.)

**2. The Man who pays for but never takes the books.
He's a street man and walks with a staff in hand. He lives in holes in walls, sleeps in mangroves, collects garbage that appears in bags all over the place, and every now and again comes into the bookshop to buy books. He's loud (very, shouts), intelligent, smelly and got plenty of money, but is quite mad. I know his family very well, they are all quite normal and do their best to look after Joseph by banking the money from the rents of the two apartments he inherited. Wherever he goes people welcome him, he's such a good conversationalist, but he cannot spend the night under a roof he says. When he comes to the shop he wants all kinds of books, buys them and tell us to keep them until he's 'ready'. Sometimes I give them to one of his brothers, sometimes when he comes in I say he can have anything he likes for free, but he always tells me no. Looks at the books, buys them and says to keep them until he's ready.

1. Fluorescent speedos?
I had an Italian guy in, from a cruise ship I think, wearing fluorescent speedos underneath his huge hairy belly, leather thong sandals and a man bag dangling from his wrist. Oh and mirror sunglasses. No he wasn't wearing a medallion, but he should have been, it would have completed the look.  He wouldn't wear this in the streets of his home town, why do it to mine?  Actually a better question would be, why was he was out dressed like that at all? (It looks like he has a load of toilet paper wrapped around both his meat and two veg. as well.)

The other 'review' of Weird Things Customers say in Bookshops got too full, so this is a new one of weird things customers say or do in my bookshop. Or wear for that matter.

Profile Image for ❀ Lily ❀.
76 reviews15.9k followers
July 24, 2017
Okay, that's all of my tiny books completed!!
Now onto the actual full sized books haha
Profile Image for MischaS_.
785 reviews1,334 followers
May 1, 2019
When I finished the first book, I had to start with this one. I'm not going to say which book is better because it's hard to compare. In this one Twilight has a company, the Fifty Shades. I'm still so angry about people who are damaging books and so...
For some reason, I think this book was sadder. Sometimes I had a strange feeling in my heart. Like I was really sorry for something those people said.
Again, I recommend to everyone to read this! :)
Profile Image for هدى يحيى.
Author 8 books15.9k followers
September 1, 2020

في هذا الجزء المخابيل ازداد عددهم

أجد هذا الكتاب أكثر طرافة من الجزء الأول
وهو كسابقه مجرد تسلية لإراحة الذهن المجهد

لكن ما حيرني حقا هو مدى الخبل الذي يتمتع به البعض
كأن يدخل أحدهم إلى المكتبة صارخا
"لا تتوقعون مني شراء أي كتاب؛ فأنا لست بقارئ"

أترككم مع بعض المقتطفات العجيبة منه
وكالعادة أنصح بقرائته للترويح عن النفس




Profile Image for Dr. Appu Sasidharan (Dasfill).
1,047 reviews2,051 followers
June 19, 2022

If you liked the first part of this book, you would definitely like this second part. I recommend everyone to read both the volumes together if possible. Each anecdote will make you smile and think at the same time.

Here are few of my favourites from this book.

Did Harry Potter kill Hitler?
“Child: Mummy, who was Hitler?
Mother: Hitler?
Child: Yeah. Who was he?
Mother: Erm, he was a very bad man from a long time ago.
Child: Oh. How bad?
Mother: He was like...he was like Voldemort.
Child: Oh! That’s really, really bad.
Mother: Yes.
Child: (Pause) So, did Harry Potter kill hitler, too?”

Books and movies
“Customer (to her friend): What about this book? (Holds up a copy of The Hobbit).
Customer: No. I don’t want to read that. It’ll spoil the film.”

Knowledge is power

“Customer: I can’t afford a gym membership. Would you mind if I came in here three of four times a week? I’d like to use your larger books to do some weight-lifting.”

This is one of the rare instances where the sequel is as good as the first book.
January 29, 2020
Q: Not to mention the, quite frankly, amazingly awesome things children say – such as the boy who told me that, when he’s older, he’s going to become a book ninja. I have no idea what a book ninja is, but I want to hire that kid.(c)
Q: I have a particular fondness for the person who asked if Anne Frank had written a sequel to her diary. The man laughed and said: ‘You should have told her that she ghostwrote it!’ I think I might love that customer. (c)
CUSTOMER: I can see you’ve got books on World War I and World War II.
BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do.
CUSTOMER: But I can’t find any books on World War III. Where are those? (c)
CUSTOMER: I really don’t like the planet today – can you recommend a book set far, far away? (c)
CUSTOMER: Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?
CUSTOMER: Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back. (c)
CUSTOMER: No, that’s OK. I like to pretend that the books are criminals, and that I’m tracking them down, like I’m the police. It’s more fun that way.(c)
CUSTOMER (holding up a book): What’s this? The Secret Garden? Well, it’s not so secret now, is it, since they bloody well wrote a book about it!(c)
CUSTOMER: We’re having a book burning at our religious group tonight. I need all your books on witchcraft.
CUSTOMER: And, as we’re not going to read them, I expect a discount. We’re doing the world a favour by burning them, you know.(c)
WOMAN (holding a copy of a Weight Watchers book in one hand, and The Hunger Games in the other): Which of these dieting books would you recommend most? (c)
CUSTOMER: You know, I eat every good book I read.
BOOKSELLER: ... Excuse me?
CUSTOMER: I like to feel as though the book’s really part of me. So, when I’ve finished, I rip the pages up and put them in my food. (c)
CUSTOMER (holding up an art book): Wow. Picasso must have gone out with some really ugly women. (c)
BOOKSELLER: ... You know, Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character.
CUSTOMER (outraged): ... Are you trying to tell me that I don’t exist?(c)
CUSTOMER: I’d like a Christmas book, about Christmas, that doesn’t have anything to do
with snow, or robins, or snowmen, or Jesus, or holly. ... And no bloody carols, either! (c)
CUSTOMER: I need a really awful book to give to someone I hate. Any recommendations? (c)
CUSTOMER: There are several things I look for in a good book.
BOOKSELLER: Oh? What are those?
CUSTOMER: A murder – preferably of a handsome young man – a helicopter ride, a small dog, a parrot, a suicide, cigars, moustaches, love letters and animals that have escaped from the zoo.
CUSTOMER: Why aren’t you writing these things down?
BOOKSELLER: Sorry (grabs a pen).
CUSTOMER: Good. Let’s not forget the mysterious crop circles in the fields. Then there’s the heroine – preferably a redhead from a country house in Wales, who collects fossils in her spare time. Her grandmother should be alive, but only just, and on the weekends she should ride wild horses on the beach. The heroine, that is, not the grandmother.(c)
CUSTOMER: You never read about Middle Earth any more, do you? It’s like no one cares about The Shire these days. Stuff must still happen there but it’s never reported in the news.(c)
DRUNKEN MAN (looking around in amazement): Dude. Your bookshop is, like, totally moving.(c)
CUSTOMER (looking at the history section): I’ve always wanted to be a prisoner of war. ... It sounds romantic, doesn’t it?(c)
(Customer holds up Fifty Shades of Grey and shows her boyfriend)
CUSTOMER: Babe! It’s the book I was telling you about! My sister reckons it’s exactly
like us!(с)
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book called Not Your Ordinary Average Day in the Park.
BOOKSELLER: I’m not familiar with that one. Do you know what it’s about?
CUSTOMER: It’s about a boy with autism, and a dog.
BOOKSELLER: Do you mean The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time?
CUSTOMER: Yes, that’s it. I knew it had a title like that. (c)
CUSTOMER: Do you have copies of Fifty Shades of Grey?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, they’re right over here. We don’t have any secondhand ones in right now, though.
CUSTOMER: Oh, that’s OK. I don’t think I’d WANT a secondhand copy of that book, if you know what I mean!
(Customer and bookseller look at each other and burst out laughing) (c)
CUSTOMER: If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.(c)
Profile Image for Sean Barrs .
1,109 reviews44.3k followers
June 29, 2019
I really couldn’t wait very long after finishing the first one before diving into this. These books are so damn funny. This time’s there’s great examples from other book sellers too.

Here are my personal favourites in this one:

"CUSTOMER (buying a copy of Gulliver’s Travels): I’m thinking of going travelling, so I thought I’d give this a read to give me ideas of places to go. He seems to have gone to some really crazy parts of the world!"

(Could you imagine hearing this? I would have wet myself with laughter. I wonder if he thinks horses can talk too?)

"CUSTOMER: I need a really awful book to give to someone I hate. Any recommendations?"

(Oh I could think of several……..)

"CUSTOMER: Urgh. Shakespeare. He’s everywhere, isn’t he? You can’t escape him. I wish he’d do us all a favour and die already."


So this is another great example of stupid people who know absolutely nothing about books saying some rather hilarious things. It’s as funny as the first book and definitely worth a read.
Profile Image for Lori.
353 reviews422 followers
January 30, 2020
Deducting a star because it's a lot like the first one and by that I mean about a quarter are repeated from the first one. Like the first one this has many funnies (some of the same!), some not-funnies and a lot of headscratchers.
If a job past or present brought you in regular contact with people who ask stupid questions and behave rudely, I imagine this could be validating. Personally, I had a stint working with The Public that was enough to last me a lifetime or nine. I had to work very, very hard -- to get my father to fire me.


Customer: "Wow. Picasso must have gone out with some really ugly women."

Customer: "Oh my gosh, you guys sell plays? Does anyone buy them since, like, TV was made?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the fourth 'Fifty Shades of Grey' book."
Bookseller: "There are only three in the series."
Customer: "No, there are four. I saw it in another shop yesterday. It's really big. It's called Fifty Shades Trilogy."

Customer: "Do you have 'Pride and Produce?'"
Profile Image for فؤاد.
1,046 reviews1,696 followers
May 14, 2018
لینک دانلود کتاب

کتاب دوم از این نویسنده.
ایده ی کتاب خیلی ساده است، ولی نتیجه، خیلی خنده داره. حرف های عجیبی که خریدارها توی کتاب فروشی میزنن. بعضی از این حرف ها به خاطر گفته شدن توی موقعیت کتابفروشی خیلی خنده دار و مضحکن.

خريدار: يه كتاب خيلی بد می خوام. می خوام هديه بدمش به يكی كه ازش متنفرم.
Profile Image for Heba.
999 reviews1,901 followers
April 13, 2020

" زبون: لا أحب كوكب الأرض اليوم - هل بإمكانك اقتراح كتاب تدور أحداث قصته في مكان بعيد جداً جداً عن كوكبنا..."
- أمتأكد أنك لا تحب كوكب الأرض اليوم فحسب يا سيدي ؟ !!🤪
" زبون : هل لديك كتب صوتيه بلغة الإشارة ؟ "
- الصمت.....هذا هو الجواب المثالي ..
" زبون : أبحث عن كتاب يتحدث عن حرب سنة ١٠٦٦
صديق الزبون : متى كانت هذه الحرب ؟ "
- سؤال كارثي ..لم أتوقف عن الضحك ...😄
" زبون : هل أجد لديكم الكتاب الذي كتبه الرجل الذي يتحدث شقيقه على الراديو وله شارب ؟ أظن انه أزرق
بائعة الكتب ممازحة اياه : الشارب ؟
الزبون جدياً : لا..الكتاب "
- طيب والله هذا موقف ليس له حل ..😄😄
بالرغم من إنني أردت فاصلاً قصيراً ، لكن يبدو أن الحكايات البائسة لا تنتهي ، فبالرغم من أنني ضحكت برفقة هذه المواقف الغريبة لكن حقيقتها بائسة...
Profile Image for Kat.
940 reviews
May 14, 2013
So after the hilarious Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops, bookseller Campbell has collected even more weirdness. And although this follow up is not nearly as hilarious as the first book - a few 'jokes' seem a bit far-fetched - there's still more than enough to snort-laugh about.

So here we go, shall we!

Customer: We're having a book burning at our religious group tonight. I need all your books on witchcraft.
Bookseller: .....
Customer: And we're expecting a discount. We're doing the world a favor by burning them, you know.

Customer: (Holding a copy of a Weight Watchers book in one hand, and The Hunger Games in the other) Which of these dieting books would you recommend most?

Customer: My Kindle is broken. Do you know how to fix it?
Bookseller: I'm afraid Kindles aren't really my specialty.
Customer: (pulls her Kindle out of her bag) Look at it! I dropped it in the bath.
Bookseller: If you did that with a book, you could just put it on the radiator and then flatten it out between two heavier books.
Customer:(seriously) Do you think that would work for this, too?

Customer: Do you have a copy of this book but with the title in red, instead of green? And maybe with a different background image too?

Customer: I'm looking for this picture book for my daughter. I read about it in a review somewhere. I think it's by someone called E.L. James.
Bookseller:Erm, I don't think it was by that person; that's who wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.
Customer:(going bright red and clutching her handbag, as though hiding something inside it) Oh! I dont know how the name cropped into my head, then. I've certainly never read any of those books! Never!

Customer: (to her friend) What do you do with your books after you've read them?
Friend: Sometimes I burn them.
Customer: You burn them?
Friend: Yeah. If I'm in the mood.

What a crazy wonderful world we live in, huh?
Profile Image for Jadranka.
229 reviews128 followers
February 17, 2017

Ova knjiga je kao pisana za mene :D ... i verovatno za 97,36% korisnika Goodreadsa :D
I have some issues kada su knjižare u pitanju...npr. imam potrebu da knjige pored kojih prolazim lepo složim i mnogo me nervira kada vidim da neko ispretura knjige ili ih ne vrati na svoje mesto.
Dalje, jedva se suzdržim da se ne umešam u priču između knjižara i kupca, kada čujem da knjižar nema pojma o čemu priča, ili kada lupeta neke gluposti. To me mnogo nervira...mislim, čoveče radiš u knjižari, a ne u prodavnici usisivača.
Volim nepoznatim ljudima da preporučujem knjige...ne mogu da uđem u knjižaru a da ne kupim barem jednu knjigu...Ponekad kada naletim na neku knjigu koju tražim duže vreme, ali baš u tom trenutku nemam kod sebe novca da je kupim, ja je ćušnem negde skroz pozadi, kako bih je sakrila od drugih, a sve u nadi da će me sačekati kad se vratim drugi put po nju.
Sve u svemu, obožavam knjižare i biblioteke, bibliotekari su za mene superheroji, a najveći san mi je da jednog dana otvorim svoju knjižaru.

Profile Image for María.
144 reviews3,065 followers
July 9, 2017
LLORANDO con los libros de esta mujer.
Profile Image for Hamad.
990 reviews1,305 followers
June 13, 2018
I rarely give 1 star ratings because I know authors put a lot of work to produce a book, I didn't feel that much effort was put into this! And the illustrations were so meh...

I mean it was just random things customers say in bookshops, and some things were not weird, I found most not funny at all. I think it was more like Weird things drunk customers say. I even felt there were some things that were said as a part of truth or dare. I used to play this with my colleagues in the hospital and we would say and do the strangest and most stupid things! I don't laugh easily and this further proves this because in 157 pages, I don't believe I laughed once!
Profile Image for Exina.
1,183 reviews374 followers
January 5, 2015
Like the first book, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops, it was a quick and entertaining read.

The story in the prologue about a children book getting back to its original owner after forty years is really heartwarming.

Conversations with kids are cute and funny, and the rest also made me laugh many times.
The things customers say in bookshops are not only weird, but insulting, sometimes ridiculously dumb…
CUSTOMER: You know, I go to this book club thing, but I really hate reading.
BOOKSELLER: So … why do you go to the book club?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, really. (Pause). To make things easier, I bought a book called How To Talk About Books You Haven’t Read.
CUSTOMER: Yeah. (Pause). I didn’t read it.

… but also can be lovely and hilarious…
(Elderly female customer is looking at the chart) CUSTOMER: I can’t believe everybody’s reading this Fifty Shades …
BOOKSELLER: I know. I take it it isn’t your cup of tea, then?
CUSTOMER: Oh, no dear; been there, done that – no need to read about it!

Profile Image for Nahed.E.
595 reviews1,488 followers
February 16, 2019
احتجت إليه لإراحه ذهني قليلا عقب رواية عميقة
إذا كنت قد قرأت الجزء الاول، فلن تجد هناك اختلافا كبيرا بين الجزئين، الفكرة نفسها، والمواقف الغريبة ذاتها، والصبر نفسه علي نماذج بشرية عجيبة فعلا، لدرجة تجعلك تشك للحظة ان بعض هذه المواقف قد حدث بالف��ل .. ولكننا لم نعد نتفاجئ من هذا العالم، أليس كذلك؟
Profile Image for Ayman Gomaa.
426 reviews540 followers
March 16, 2019
جيه فى وقته , كنت محتاج افصل بين الكتب الظلامية اللى قراتها مؤخرا و الا كنت هاتحول ل قاتل متسلسل :D
لم يختلف كثيرا عن الجزء الاول , مواقف مختلفة بعضها اضحكنى و بعضها حسيت انهم مفتعلين ب غرض تجارى .

لا تنهى غرائب و عجائب الحياة و بما اننا من عشاق الكتب ف كانت العرئب و العجائب فى مجال المكتبات سحر و متعة خاصة لا يشعر بها الا القارئ :)
Profile Image for Masoud Irannejad.
171 reviews111 followers
May 7, 2019
مجموعه ای از مکالمات طنز و گاها روزمره ای که کتاب فروش ها با خریدارهاشون دارند

CUSTOMER: They should make vending machines for books. Then there’d be no more need for bookshops, and you could have a really long holiday. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?
گاج خیلی ساله بیرون فروشگاه شعبه خیابان انقلاب وندینگ ماشین گذاشته :)))

CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of The Handmaid’s Tale?
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid we sold our copy of that this morning. I can order it in for you, though.
CUSTOMER: Can’t you just print a copy for me? From the internet?
چرا که نه :)))

CUSTOMER: I need a really awful book to give to someone I hate. Any recommendations?
کلیییی کتاب می تونم بهت پیشنهاد بدم:)))

CUSTOMER (whispers): Sometimes I think my cat is trying to kill me.
CUSTOMER: Only sometimes, though. Not all the time. Sometimes he can be quite nice
جدی ؟ این کتاب رو بخون خیلی بهت کمک می کنه :))))
How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You by Matthew Inman
How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You

CUSTOMER (looking at the history section): I’ve always wanted to be a prisoner of war.
CUSTOMER: It sounds romantic, doesn’t it?
:| معلومه که نه

CUSTOMER: If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find
:))) ایده خیلی باحالی عه
Profile Image for Martin.
327 reviews135 followers
April 1, 2022
A remarkably easy to read collection of Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops as recorded by Jen Campbell and other booksellers.

Being a regular customer of bookshops I can easily imagine real life people saying these weird things.


I do know some people who can read but choose not to read books. And these non readers have been recorded most accurately.


I laughed at every page and when you read this collection I'm sure you will laugh too.

Profile Image for AhmEd ElsayEd.
975 reviews1,294 followers
January 19, 2021

أشياء غريبة يقولها الزبائن في متاجر الكتب 2
ومتي لا يقول الناس أشياء غريبة!
تعليقات عجيبة، آراء وقحة، طلبات غريبة، تشكيك في النوايا والذمم، سباب ولوم علي خطأ لست طرفًا فيه
ولكن لماذا تقبلنا هذا الكتاب وانتشر كالهشيم في النار رغم بساطة وبديهية محتواه؟ ربما لأن الكتب محور النقاش
ولكن لماذا جزء ثانٍِ من هذا الكتاب؟ ربما استغلال تجاري رائع لشهرة الكتاب الأول، وتحقيق أقصي نجاح ممكن
Profile Image for Daniel.
750 reviews72 followers
February 28, 2017
Jos jedna lepa kolekcija bizarnih situacija sa kojima se (ne)srecni prodavci srecu najverovatnije svakodnevno. Meni licno omiljeni delovi su razgovori sa decom (i'l be a bumblebee when i grow up :D ). Zabavno stivo u svakom slucaju, mada ipak ima ogranicenu publiku: ljude koji vole da citaju knjige. Na zalost i nema nas puno :(
Profile Image for Louise Wilson.
2,680 reviews1,608 followers
August 31, 2017
In this follow up book to Weird Things People Say In Bookshops we get the same type of comments that are plain stupid, jaw dropping and funny.

I enjoyed reading this book as muck as I did the first one. It's another quick read with some illustrations. It's hard to believe that people can be this stupid.
Profile Image for Javier.
726 reviews182 followers
October 16, 2020
CUSTOMER (picking up a copy of Little Women): is this a book about really short people?

CUSTOMER (holding up a book): What's this? The secret garden? Well, it's not so secret now, is it, since they bloody well wrote a book about it!

(Customer holds up Fifty Shades of Grey and shows her boyfriend)
CUSTOMER: Babe! It's the book I was telling you about! My sister reckons it's exactly us!

Once more the author managed to make me laugh out loud more than once with this series of funny, bizarre, ridiculous, weird and sometimes rude quotes.

Bookshops and libraries are one of my most preferred places and if you take me to one I could spend hours browsing, so this book was a happy place for me. Reading this I couldn't help but be surprised by the huge amount of people that don't like books and reading but go into bookstores. What are they hoping to find there? 🤔

Super quick read, perfect for us book lovers who want to have a laugh!
Profile Image for ESRAA MOHAMED.
629 reviews288 followers
March 13, 2019
الكتاب لذيذ وتقريبا نفس فكرة الجزء الأول لكنه يصلح كفاصل بين روايات وكتب ثقيلة أو حتي في حالة الملل القرائي ...
للحظات كنت أشك في صحة المواقف أو حتي حدوثها ولكن لم أكترث للأمر كثيرا فالاهم هو متعتي ..

استمتعوا ...
دمتم قراء ❤❤❤
Profile Image for Tamara.
684 reviews200 followers
November 18, 2015
Occupation: Bookseller

What You Think You Do: Sell books

What People Think You Do:

- Book-whisperer
CUSTOMER: Hello! I’m searching for a book. I’m not sure of the publishing house, but it’s really great and I just have to read it again.
BOOKSELLER: Sure. What was the title of the book?
CUSTOMER: Well, the thing is, I don’t really remember …
BOOKSELLER: OK, then how about the author? Maybe we can search for their work and find the one you’re looking for?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know his name.
CUSTOMER: But he was definitely European.
CUSTOMER: And it was non-fiction. Some kind of study. Probably.
CUSTOMER (looking expectantly at the bookseller): Come on, you must know the book I mean!

CUSTOMER: Do you have that book by that guy, the one whose brother is on the radio and has a moustache? I think it’s blue.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): The moustache?
CUSTOMER (seriously): No. The book.

- Gift Advisor
CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy a book for my wife.
BOOKSELLER: Sure, what sort of book?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know. Something ... pink? Women like pink stuff, right?

- Beta Reader
CUSTOMER: There are several things I look for in a good book.
BOOKSELLER: Oh? What are those?
CUSTOMER: A murder – preferably of a handsome young man – a helicopter ride, a small dog, a parrot, a suicide, cigars, moustaches, love letters and animals that have escaped from the zoo.
CUSTOMER: Why aren’t you writing these things down?
BOOKSELLER: Sorry (grabs a pen).
CUSTOMER: Good. Let’s not forget the mysterious crop circles in the fields. Then there’s the heroine – preferably a redhead from a country house in Wales, who collects fossils in her spare time. Her grandmother should be alive, but only just, and on the weekends she should ride wild horses on the beach. The heroine, that is, not the grandmother.
BOOKSELLER: ... Right.
CUSTOMER: Any books spring to mind?
BOOKSELLER: No ... It sounds like you should probably write this book yourself, considering you have such specific tastes.
CUSTOMER: You know, I rather hoped you might say that. (He pulls a notebook out of his pocket.) I’ve been outlining the story. Would you like to read it?

- Magician
CUSTOMER: (holding up a paperback) If I buy this book, can I transfer it onto my friend’s Kindle?
CUSTOMER: Oh. How do they put physical books on a Kindle, then? Is it like that part in the film of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Mike Teavee wants to become part of television, and he flies over everyone’s heads in tiny little pieces?

- Personal Servant
(Phone rings)
CUSTOMER: Oh, you’re there! Thank goodness.
BOOKSELLER: How can I help?
CUSTOMER: I’m making a chicken pie from handwritten instructions, and I can’t read my own handwriting.
CUSTOMER: Could you check the recipe for me?
Bookseller: … How?
CUSTOMER: Oh! I copied it out of one of the books on the top shelf of your cookery section when I was in last week. I write a new one down whenever I come in – no point in buying the whole book when I can just do that. I was in a hurry last time so my writing’s a mess!
CUSTOMER: I need to know what happens after I add the stock. Could you have a look? It’s the big black book, with gold lettering on the spine.
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid I sold that book earlier today.
CUSTOMER: What? But … but I need it! Why didn’t you stop them taking it?

CUSTOMER: I want to get my girlfriend a book for her birthday but I don’t know if she already has it.
CUSTOMER: Could you find out for me?
CUSTOMER: Well, maybe you could call her and say that you’re doing a survey or something?
CUSTOMER: You know, just lie and gain her trust and find out everything you can.

- Time Traveller
CUSTOMER: Do you have the Stephen King book that comes out next week?

- ???
CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Bella Swan’s favourite book? You know, from Twilight?
(Bookseller sighs and pulls a copy of Wuthering Heights off the shelf)
CUSTOMER: Do you have the one with the cover that looks like Twilight?
BOOKSELLER: No. This is an antiquarian bookshop, so this is an old edition of the book.
CUSTOMER: But it’s still the one with that girl Cathy and the dangerous guy, right?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, it’s still the story by Emily Bronte.
CUSTOMER: Right. Do you think they’ll make it into a film?
BOOKSELLER: They’ve made several films of it. The one where Ralph Fiennes plays Heathcliff is very good.
CUSTOMER: What? Voldemort plays Heathcliff?
BOOKSELLER: Well . . .
CUSTOMER: But that’s Edward’s role.
BOOKSELLER: Wuthering Heights was written well before both Harry Potter and Twilight.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, but Voldemort killed Cedric, who’s played by Robert Pattinson, and now Voldemort’s playing Edward’s role in Wuthering Heights, because Edward’s character is Heathcliff. I think that Emily Bronte’s trying to say something about vampires.
BOOKSELLER: . . . that’s £8.
CUSTOMER: For what?
BOOKSELLER: For the book.
CUSTOMER: Oh, no, it’s OK, I’m going to go and try and find the Voldemort DVD version.

What You Actually Do:

Profile Image for Gerhard.
1,037 reviews512 followers
August 24, 2020
(Elderly female customer is looking at the chart)
CUSTOMER: I can’t believe everybody’s reading this Fifty Shades …
BOOKSELLER: I know. I take it it isn’t your cup of tea, then?
CUSTOMER: Oh, no dear; been there, done that – no need to read about it!

This is a truly delightful book that is bound to elicit a good few guffaws as the reader marvels at the combination of mindless stupidity, breathless arrogance and unintentional crassness on display here. Seems like it takes a visit to a bookshop to bring out the worst in people (occasionally the best, but this is interestingly enough only reflected in the comments of children, who are often much more pragmatic and open-minded than their parents).

Good to see even a couple of South African bookshops represented here. I enjoyed this follow-up much more than the first instalment. The quotes have been curated more consistently, with little repetition and some marvellous gems. I was interested to learn that a ‘librocubilarist’ is a person who likes to read in bed.

“The world of bookselling is anything but boring,” as Jen Campbell muses. “And, seriously, to everyone who goes into bookshops – whether you happen to say weird things or not – thank you for supporting those bookshops.”
Profile Image for Nour Allam.
449 reviews199 followers
February 26, 2019

*زبون: هل لديك كتب صوتيّة بلغة الإشارة؟

*زبون: أريد كتاباً سيئاً كي أهديه لشخص أكرهه. هل لديك أي اقتراحات.

*طفل (خارج المتجر): أمي، هل يمكننا الدخول إلى متجر الكتب؟
*الأم: ليس الآن. ما زلت صغيراً الآن. بإمكانك الدخول إليه عندما تكبر.

الكتاب لطيف ولكنه ليس بمستوى الجزء الأول. ينتهي في جلسة واحدة.
Profile Image for Umut.
355 reviews164 followers
June 28, 2019
It was fun to read these anecdotes. I had fun, but first one was definitely better :)
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