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Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
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Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It

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3.99  ·  Rating details ·  570 ratings  ·  57 reviews
Paperback, 200 pages
Published June 1st 2014 by New Harbinger Publications (first published May 1st 2014)
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Average rating 3.99  · 
Rating details
 ·  570 ratings  ·  57 reviews


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Start your review of Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
Chanda Prescod-weinstein
Dec 30, 2018 rated it it was amazing
I feel like this is one of the most insightful books I’ve read on relationships — with applications to friendships as well as romances. Worth reading if you want to better understand the dynamics that often underpin difficult emotional behaviors, whether from yourself or others.
Jessica
Mar 13, 2018 rated it really liked it
This book gives lots of practical application and exercises to work through issues surrounding anxious attachment. I felt like it was helpful for me in giving insight into how I deal with my anxiety in relationships. I still feel like I could read it again and get more out of it. There's lots to process and work through. Would recommend for anyone struggling with insecure attachment.
Andi
Jun 26, 2014 rated it really liked it
Shelves: counseling
I got this as a first reads giveaway. First, I should say I am biased against self-help books, especially those about relationships. I wanted it to give to a particular friend who does suffer from some severe relationship anxiety. I also wanted to read it before giving it to her, not only as it is the spirit of first reads, but as a trained counselor, I wanted to ensure the information would help rather than cause more harm to her. I must say I was pleasantly surprised. Attachment theory is ...more
Andrea
Sep 23, 2019 rated it really liked it
OK I wrote a review but I think the app ate it!

This book is good BUT THE FRAMING SUCKS SO MUCH. I am not "Insecure in Love," I am a person with a trauma-related attachment disorder that is totally normal. I think the tools in this book are great but it is wrapped in this "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" kinda pop facade that at times felt hurtful and demeaning. It's super heteronomative and super focused on romantic relationships (when it doesn't need to be! attachment is about ALLLLLL
...more
Chas! Pangburn
Aug 04, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Having recently been cheated on, my mind has been a whirlwind of negative thoughts. Leslie’s book does a decent job of explaining the psychology of everything and even provides action plans to change said introspections.
Scott
Jun 15, 2015 rated it liked it
A pretty good popular book about attachment theory - specifically, about how anxious attachment can affect your intimate relationships as an adult.
Ibukun
May 05, 2015 rated it it was amazing
This book helped me understand myself in a way that I never did before.
Think of it as cheap therapy.
AudioBookReviews  .com
Nov 14, 2018 rated it really liked it
This was one of the best relationship books I have ever laid my ears on. For a long time I avoided relationship advice, in hindsight I have no idea why but the second I picked up this book I could not stop listening. It genuinely felt that the author was talking about me and I would highly recommend this title to anyone who may suffer from anxiety or deals with someone on the anxiety-spectrum.

If you are still reading this review, stop I can not say enough good things about author Dr. Phelps and
...more
John
Dec 28, 2014 rated it it was amazing
Not having read much into this sort of thing before, it was definitely an eye-opening experience as it helped exemplify the somewhat scary instants of a relationship.

From the inability to accept differences to the concept of secure vs. insecure attachment styles, this book seems to round up a nice layout and foundation for couples to work with in their struggles of themselves or in their relationship.

Although explicitly referencing and making mention to anxious-preoccupied attachment styles, the
...more
Joanna
May 13, 2015 rated it really liked it
Shelves: 2010s
I bought this for a friend (I swear!), but whether or not I believe myself to actually be this "sort of person," I did find useful stuff (even though when I took the personality test I got, like the opposite. Secure).
Sara Kaczmarek
Jan 09, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Great tools to help you make sense of heartache

I’m not one to typically write a review, but the reviews for this book are what compelled me to purchase and I’m SO happy I did. This book offers simplistic guidelines on how to identify the root of many personal issues that plague many people in relationships AND offers a neat and easy to follow guideline of how to help curb anxious thoughts and behaviors that sabotage relationships. Consider it a type of manual to identify, address, and curb
...more
Gwendolyn Jerris
Jul 14, 2019 rated it it was amazing
this is the first time i have read a book based on attachment theory and saw and understood my own behaviors and attitudes so clearly laid out. beyond romantic relationships or partnerships, it’s a great help in understanding and improving the relationship with self. and though it is sometimes a painful read, requiring painful and direct acknowledgement and acceptance of ugly parts, it is also incredibly hopeful and empowering to know that there are paths to change and growth. i recommend to ...more
Angelina
Jan 19, 2020 rated it it was amazing
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength”

“Forgiveness is a vow not to carry bitterness into the future, to decide to give up hope for a better past.”


This book will be going on my re reads section as I think it was very educational in understanding insecure attachment, some excellent exercises to prompt to
...more
Robert Pemberton
Feb 12, 2018 rated it it was ok
This book may be geared more towards a woman's way of thinking. I found it overly complicated in its delivery. The book should be restructured like a "personality color book". Take the test, see where you are, and then read the sections and advice that pertain to you.

Instead, the book is put together in a linear fashion and the advice for all different styles of attachment are lumped together. It can get confusing.

The book is helpful but I feel that some suffering from anxiety would have a hard
...more
Anna
Jan 14, 2019 rated it liked it
I listened to this as an audiobook, but as I listened I felt like it would be a much better book to actually read. The best parts of the book seemed to be the exercises that it took the reader through, and as a listener on my commute, I usually had to just quickly think through the exercises. If you need an overview of attachment theories and how to better yours, this is a good book. However, if you want to study the psychology behind these theories, a more in-depth book would be necessary.
LemontreeLime
Sep 25, 2017 rated it liked it
this was good, and I found the insights on insecure attachments to be spot on. BUT I found some of the advice towards the end questionable. if you are notorious for making bad choices in relationships, just to have connection, then advice about opening yourself up to even more opportunities to connect must be done judiciously, not willy nilly with abandon. That said, it is still a good place to start reading if you have issues along this vein.
Lizzie
May 13, 2019 rated it liked it
Nothing like a good self help book! As always, I learned some very interesting things! It was a pretty quick read too.

It had some interesting exercises. It was a bit more surface level than I wanted. I wish there had been more extended stories and examples of "clients" or couples. I also felt like it tended to discuss the anxiety attachment personality more than the other types.

Definitely an interesting read.
Alexis Miller
Jan 12, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Very helpful

This book was very helpful in identifying & working through attachment related anxiety. It helped me identify problems I have been struggling with and didn’t know how to address. It also facilitates an environment of change rather than just accepting the way you are if you’re not happy with it.
Bailey
Feb 21, 2018 rated it really liked it
I really enjoyed this book as an introduction to myself for more on attachment theory. I came to this book with a good basis of mindfulness and self-compassion practice so I didn't find that part personally useful, but I think if you were looking on how to get started with those concepts as well as explore attachment theory then this is a great introduction book!
Bucket
Aug 18, 2019 rated it liked it
Great primer, although as someone who's read a lot about this topic it was a bit on the light-and-fluffy side for me. Would recommend as a super basic introduction to attachment theory and the concept of feeling-your-feelings. However if you've already made significant progress with both of those, it's a book best skimmed.
Anna
A friend pointed out some things to me, and after some googling I found recommendations for this book. Lot of the things I knew, what I found out is, that I'm not as "bad" as I thought and what's even better: what to do about it. Some of it I have been already doing and it's been working. It's not always easy to see your own blind spots, but some friends are very helpful :)
Peter Saarloos
Oct 28, 2019 rated it liked it
A decent introduction to attachment styles, but a little bloated. I think these books would benefit from separating theory from practice more, ie explain first, then pick and choose some good exercises that fit the individual.
Ángela
I wouldn’t say that it “cured” me, or helped me much in my relationship. It probably caused me a lot more anxiety because it had advice on how to spot a “healthy” relationship/partner. It caused anxiety because I actually realized stuff about my relationship. It was informative
Michael J.
Jan 30, 2019 rated it it was amazing
This is a great book and can help anyone in a relationship. The knowledge and understanding that the book provides is great. The question-and-answer problems at the end of each chapter really force you to think.
MidoriSour
Jun 19, 2019 rated it it was amazing
I really enjoyed this book. It helped me better understand both myself and my partner. Since I listened to the audiobook it was difficult to try and do the exercises, so I decided to listen to the entire book first, and then I will go back and do the exercises as needed.
Miguel
Aug 01, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: self-help
Great practical book on how to deal with over anxious behaviour due to attachment disorder. Some of the information was better explained in a book specifically about attachment but overall very helpful and practical. Let me see relationships in a whole new light
Vivian Nguyen
Mar 14, 2019 rated it it was amazing
I am almost underlining every single sentence in this book. So much to learn!
Joy Kaplan
Mar 25, 2019 rated it really liked it
Great first time overview to attachment and trying to understand your style. Not very helpful in ways to overcome it - just identification of what type.
Olga
Jun 30, 2017 rated it it was ok
I did not find this book helpful. I did not see any specific clear recommendations - there was just a lot of general talking.
Amy
Aug 14, 2019 rated it really liked it
Lots of exercises. Not to be read through, rather to be worked through slowly.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, author, and speaker. She writes The Art of Relationships blog for WebMD and is the relationship expert for WebMD's relationships and coping community. She also writes the blog Making Change for Psychology Today. Becker-Phelps previously served at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ, as director of women's psychological services and chief ...more
“Some children perceive their parents as inconsistently available. It could be because the parents are unavoidably focused on pressing life situations or on their own emotional needs. The child’s inherent sensitivity is also a factor. Whatever the reason, children who come to question whether their parents are available are extremely upset even by the thought of their parents not being there for them. This is characteristic of a preoccupied attachment style.” 3 likes
“Some children grow up with parents whi have their own strong attachment issues: they experience their parents as sometimes emotionally available, sometimes scared, and sometimes even scary. This variation is confusing and frightening, and these children are unable to find a way to consistently meet their attachment needs. They don’t find solace in either deactivating (trying to go it alone) or hyperactivating (reaching out for attention and acceptance), so they attempt to use both kinds of strategies in a disorganized way. This creates a chaotic and confusing pattern in relationships known as the fearful style of attachment.” 3 likes
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