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Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
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Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It

4.02  ·  Rating details ·  798 ratings  ·  83 reviews
Paperback, 200 pages
Published June 1st 2014 by New Harbinger Publications (first published May 1st 2014)
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Average rating 4.02  · 
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 ·  798 ratings  ·  83 reviews

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Start your review of Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It
Sep 23, 2019 rated it really liked it
OK I wrote a review but I think the app ate it!

This book is good BUT THE FRAMING SUCKS SO MUCH. I am not "Insecure in Love," I am a person with a trauma-related attachment disorder that is totally normal. I think the tools in this book are great but it is wrapped in this "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" kinda pop facade that at times felt hurtful and demeaning. It's super heteronomative and super focused on romantic relationships (when it doesn't need to be! attachment is about ALLLLLL
Chanda Prescod-weinstein
Dec 30, 2018 rated it it was amazing
I feel like this is one of the most insightful books I’ve read on relationships — with applications to friendships as well as romances. Worth reading if you want to better understand the dynamics that often underpin difficult emotional behaviors, whether from yourself or others.
May 05, 2015 rated it it was amazing
This book helped me understand myself in a way that I never did before.
Think of it as cheap therapy.
Jun 26, 2014 rated it really liked it
Shelves: counseling
I got this as a first reads giveaway. First, I should say I am biased against self-help books, especially those about relationships. I wanted it to give to a particular friend who does suffer from some severe relationship anxiety. I also wanted to read it before giving it to her, not only as it is the spirit of first reads, but as a trained counselor, I wanted to ensure the information would help rather than cause more harm to her. I must say I was pleasantly surprised. Attachment theory is inte ...more
Mar 13, 2018 rated it really liked it
This book gives lots of practical application and exercises to work through issues surrounding anxious attachment. I felt like it was helpful for me in giving insight into how I deal with my anxiety in relationships. I still feel like I could read it again and get more out of it. There's lots to process and work through. Would recommend for anyone struggling with insecure attachment. ...more
Jun 15, 2015 rated it liked it
A pretty good popular book about attachment theory - specifically, about how anxious attachment can affect your intimate relationships as an adult.
Chas! Pangburn
Aug 04, 2019 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Having recently been cheated on, my mind has been a whirlwind of negative thoughts. Leslie’s book does a decent job of explaining the psychology of everything and even provides action plans to change said introspections.
Sep 06, 2020 rated it it was ok
This just didn't do it for me. While the content seems perfectly useful and informative, it came across very, very dryly. That said, this book may be for you if you're looking for numerous practice exercises. Personally, I gained more insight from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, which was very engaging despite not being quite as neutral. ...more
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Nov 14, 2018 rated it really liked it
This was one of the best relationship books I have ever laid my ears on. For a long time I avoided relationship advice, in hindsight I have no idea why but the second I picked up this book I could not stop listening. It genuinely felt that the author was talking about me and I would highly recommend this title to anyone who may suffer from anxiety or deals with someone on the anxiety-spectrum.

If you are still reading this review, stop I can not say enough good things about author Dr. Phelps and
Dec 28, 2014 rated it it was amazing
Not having read much into this sort of thing before, it was definitely an eye-opening experience as it helped exemplify the somewhat scary instants of a relationship.

From the inability to accept differences to the concept of secure vs. insecure attachment styles, this book seems to round up a nice layout and foundation for couples to work with in their struggles of themselves or in their relationship.

Although explicitly referencing and making mention to anxious-preoccupied attachment styles, the
Gwendolyn Fae
Jul 14, 2019 rated it it was amazing
this is the first time i have read a book based on attachment theory and saw and understood my own behaviors and attitudes so clearly laid out. beyond romantic relationships or partnerships, it’s a great help in understanding and improving the relationship with self. and though it is sometimes a painful read, requiring painful and direct acknowledgement and acceptance of ugly parts, it is also incredibly hopeful and empowering to know that there are paths to change and growth. i recommend to any ...more
Robert Pemberton
Feb 12, 2018 rated it it was ok
This book may be geared more towards a woman's way of thinking. I found it overly complicated in its delivery. The book should be restructured like a "personality color book". Take the test, see where you are, and then read the sections and advice that pertain to you.

Instead, the book is put together in a linear fashion and the advice for all different styles of attachment are lumped together. It can get confusing.

The book is helpful but I feel that some suffering from anxiety would have a hard
Jan 14, 2019 rated it liked it
I listened to this as an audiobook, but as I listened I felt like it would be a much better book to actually read. The best parts of the book seemed to be the exercises that it took the reader through, and as a listener on my commute, I usually had to just quickly think through the exercises. If you need an overview of attachment theories and how to better yours, this is a good book. However, if you want to study the psychology behind these theories, a more in-depth book would be necessary.
May 13, 2019 rated it liked it
Nothing like a good self help book! As always, I learned some very interesting things! It was a pretty quick read too.

It had some interesting exercises. It was a bit more surface level than I wanted. I wish there had been more extended stories and examples of "clients" or couples. I also felt like it tended to discuss the anxiety attachment personality more than the other types.

Definitely an interesting read.
Aug 18, 2019 rated it liked it
Great primer, although as someone who's read a lot about this topic it was a bit on the light-and-fluffy side for me. Would recommend as a super basic introduction to attachment theory and the concept of feeling-your-feelings. However if you've already made significant progress with both of those, it's a book best skimmed. ...more
May 13, 2015 rated it really liked it
Shelves: 2010s
I bought this for a friend (I swear!), but whether or not I believe myself to actually be this "sort of person," I did find useful stuff (even though when I took the personality test I got, like the opposite. Secure). ...more
Sep 13, 2020 rated it liked it
I'd say this book is definitely useful for those individuals who are anxiously attached. After reading the book Attached by Levine, I myself tested as half anxious preoccupied and half secure. In this relationship particularly I am finding myself to have more anxious traits. However, upon reading this book I did find that I was not as anxiously attached as the target audience for this book suggested. For this reason I found large sections of this book not so relevant to me, however it would defi ...more
Sep 05, 2020 rated it liked it
Shelves: psychology
Attachment theory is fascinating and a valuable part of what informs our behaviors. Becker-Phelps, a psychologist, offers a book not only outlining attachment theory, but specifically information for those with anxious/preoccupied attachment. The author communicates psychology concepts in an accessible way, so this can read both as a self-help book, and something to supplement therapy. The exercises offered can be valuable, and clearly come from a CBT perspective. After reviewing attachment theo ...more
Sara Kaczmarek
Jan 09, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Great tools to help you make sense of heartache

I’m not one to typically write a review, but the reviews for this book are what compelled me to purchase and I’m SO happy I did. This book offers simplistic guidelines on how to identify the root of many personal issues that plague many people in relationships AND offers a neat and easy to follow guideline of how to help curb anxious thoughts and behaviors that sabotage relationships. Consider it a type of manual to identify, address, and curb irrat
Jan 19, 2020 rated it it was amazing
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength”

“Forgiveness is a vow not to carry bitterness into the future, to decide to give up hope for a better past.”

This book will be going on my re reads section as I think it was very educational in understanding insecure attachment, some excellent exercises to prompt to understa
Dec 27, 2020 rated it really liked it
I almost didn't add this book to my shelves (I finished it back in May). I'd be dodging the truth if I didn't acknowledge that I'm mostly posting it because I've fallen behind on my goal of reading 50 books in 2020 - but it was a good read that I read at a time when my anxiety was overwhelming me. I have a loving boyfriend and a good relationship, but as someone who's thought negatively about myself virtually all my life, I'm often (...usually) struggling with insecurity and therefore with anxie ...more
May 01, 2020 rated it really liked it
Written by a licensed psychologist, you will definitely like the book if you need it. Read and re-read whenever you feel like you need it.
Forget the cliché title, the book helps to connect with yourself and your own emotions more than with the other person. After all, I believe that in order to have a good relationship with your partner you need to have a very good and balanced relationship with yourself and your little self first. Also, all the states of mind and feelings mentioned in the title
Aya Zain
May 28, 2020 rated it it was amazing
Great book for anyone who wants to learn more about their attachment style, their impulses, behavior & thinking patterns, and how you relate to others.

While this book takes a focus on romantic relationships, I think the attachment theory by John Bowlby pretty much applies to all relationships - i.e. friends, family, etc. You will begin to notice certain things you do or odd ways you behave (like when you suddenly go hostile and you're unsure why but you're triggered so you continue being hostile
Sep 25, 2017 rated it liked it
this was good, and I found the insights on insecure attachments to be spot on. BUT I found some of the advice towards the end questionable. if you are notorious for making bad choices in relationships, just to have connection, then advice about opening yourself up to even more opportunities to connect must be done judiciously, not willy nilly with abandon. That said, it is still a good place to start reading if you have issues along this vein.
Jun 11, 2020 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: adult, nonfiction, audio
This book really hit the mark for me as someone who is both anxiously attached and who finds her attitudes change depending on what relationship is being considered (friendship, parent, romantic partner, work colleague). I wish I'd read this book much sooner after my divorce, because it helped me to gain some clarity about how I feel about myself as well as how I feel about my own behavior within my relationship. ...more
Jan 11, 2021 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: 2021
I’ve been struggling with anxious attachment style my whole relationships in the past but in 2020, I had a wake up call when I dated a guy I met in dating apps. I turned into searching for a boom like this and I wished I have read this book before I started jumping into dating. It really helped me with my awareness of my attachment style and how to be a better and self compassionate person while dealing with this trauma. I really loved this book! Really saved me.
Bad title. This book discusses a myriad of relationships, not just romantic ones. It also goes into detail about various attachment styles, not just anxiously attached.

I found it insightful, validating, and useful for navigating my own attachment issues. A good starting point for my own growth in this area.

Chapters 1-5 offer good information on attachment typing. Chapters 6 forward are examples and exercises for how to move forward.
A friend pointed out some things to me, and after some googling I found recommendations for this book. Lot of the things I knew, what I found out is, that I'm not as "bad" as I thought and what's even better: what to do about it. Some of it I have been already doing and it's been working. It's not always easy to see your own blind spots, but some friends are very helpful :) ...more
Feb 21, 2018 rated it really liked it
I really enjoyed this book as an introduction to myself for more on attachment theory. I came to this book with a good basis of mindfulness and self-compassion practice so I didn't find that part personally useful, but I think if you were looking on how to get started with those concepts as well as explore attachment theory then this is a great introduction book! ...more
Alexis Miller
Jan 12, 2019 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Very helpful

This book was very helpful in identifying & working through attachment related anxiety. It helped me identify problems I have been struggling with and didn’t know how to address. It also facilitates an environment of change rather than just accepting the way you are if you’re not happy with it.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, author, and speaker. She writes The Art of Relationships blog for WebMD and is the relationship expert for WebMD's relationships and coping community. She also writes the blog Making Change for Psychology Today. Becker-Phelps previously served at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ, as director of women's psychological services and chief ...more

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