Jump to ratings and reviews
Rate this book

Fangs for Nothing

Rate this book
Not everyone who gets turned into a vampire becomes a sexy rock star.

At twenty-seven, Vincent Lester still looks seventeen, acne and all. He lives in his parents' basement, playing PlayStation and barely surviving by licking the blood off raw hamburger trays. His parents nag him to find a day job, but he's afraid the sun will make him burst into flame.

One night at the bar, Vinny picks up a drunk girl, literally, and gets his first taste of fresh, human blood. Then things get really weird.

184 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2012

Loading interface...
Loading interface...

About the author

Shannon Ryan

4 books15 followers

Ratings & Reviews

What do you think?
Rate this book

Friends & Following

Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!

Community Reviews

5 stars
5 (29%)
4 stars
11 (64%)
3 stars
0 (0%)
2 stars
1 (5%)
1 star
0 (0%)
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
Profile Image for Katy.
1,293 reviews284 followers
October 19, 2012
Book Info: Genre: Urban Fantasy, Humorous
Reading Level: Adult
Recommended for: Everyone.

Disclosure: I received a free ARC ebook edition of this title from the author in exchange for an honest review.

Synopsis: Not everyone who gets turned into a vampire becomes a sexy rock star.

At twenty-seven, Vincent Lester still looks seventeen, acne and all. He lives in his parents' basement, playing PlayStation and barely surviving by licking the blood off raw hamburger trays. His parents nag him to find a day job, but he's afraid the sun will make him burst into flame.

One night at the bar, Vinny picks up a drunk girl, literally, and gets his first taste of fresh, human blood. Then things get really weird.

My Thoughts: I really loved this author’s first book, Minion of Evil (link to review here for sites that allow links). So when I heard Shannon Ryan was writing a vampire story, I first squeeeeeeeed with excitement for awhile, and then started pestering him: “When’ll it be done, huh huh huh??? When’ll it be done????” until I think he finished it out of irritation with me and sent me a copy. Whereupon I got really busy for a long time and wasn’t able to get to it before he released it into the wild. pout But now I finally got to read it! Yay!

So, this is full of funny, like this: “I needed blood. However, the whole predatorily-attacking-people (sic) thing bothered me. I’ve never been much of an athlete. I just couldn’t see myself chasing girls down alleyways, and if they could outrun me, that would be so embarrassing.” Of course, since Vinny doesn’t chase down victims, he drinks the left-over blood on hamburger trays to survive. When he father says grace at a family meal, “I started to squirm. I’m not sure if there really is a God, but if he does exist, there is a precedent that he’s not really on my side. Jesus might love the little children, but he was silent on the subject of bloodsucking fiends.” His parents want him out of the basement, and his mother is constantly nagging him to get a job: “Since my ungodly transformation, my parents had been in denial about my ‘condition.’ Sure, they might admit I had a nasty sun allergy, but anything beyond that got conveniently edited out of their reality. Plus they were really getting sick of having me around the house...” When describing holding his breath, he explains how breathing is needed to help him speak, but, “I’m good at holding my breath though – my record is two hours, after that I get bored.

I could go on for pages with quotes from this book – it was hilarious – but I suppose I’d end up giving spoilers. All those quotes are from very early in the book. Vinny is awesome – and a real trooper, especially when it comes to his cross-dressing. If you enjoy laughing, if you’re a fan of “silly” vampire fiction, if you read Minion of Evil and want more – if you just enjoy a good story – you really do not want to miss Shannon Ryan. Get this book today!
Profile Image for Kristine.
13 reviews
July 14, 2015
If you enjoy angst-ridden tales of forbidden teenage love and desire to caress pale, marble skin sparkling in the sun, you probably will not enjoy this book. If you sigh longingly at the immortal pain of the sexy, brooding vampire Lestat, you will not like this book. And you know what? We probably won't like you either. However, if you enjoy the humor of Tom Holt and Robert Rankin YOU WILL enjoy this book. Fangs for Nothing is darkly humorous with many unexpected surprises, nerdy pop culture references, and tons of snark. Being a vampire is not as fun as you think it would be. Telling your parents you are a vampire is really, really awkward. Almost as awkward as telling your parents you are a cross-dresser...
Profile Image for Rachel Eliason.
Author 25 books66 followers
November 26, 2014
I met this author at a sci-fi con. I asked him what he wrote and he said, "weird stuff." That's definitely true but it's also laugh out loud funny weird stuff.
Fangs for Nothing follows the life of Vinny, a twenty seven year old vampire who was turned at seventeen and has to spend all eternity in late adolescent awkwardness and acne. At the start of the story he's living in his parent's basement and barely surviving on the blood dripping off raw hamburger.
The story of Vinny's belated entrance into both adulthood and vampire society is humorous, well paced and makes a good quick read. Grab a copy today.
Profile Image for Marcella Wigg.
281 reviews26 followers
May 27, 2018
In my quest to find funny escapist reads that I, a person who generally doesn't read paranormal/fantasy, would enjoy, I read the synopsis for Fangs for Nothing and thought it might be the book for me. It seemed so promising: ten years after an unfortunate encounter with an older woman he met in a diver bar led to his conversion to vampirism, twenty-seven-year-old Vinny still lives in his parents' basement, avoiding sunlight and his parents' exhortations to find a job and surviving off of raw hamburger scraps. His life with his "sunlight allergy" has so far proven to be a complete bust. But his life begins to shape up, as he both finds a vocation (pyramid-scheme makeup sales, while dressed in very convincing drag) and tastes his first live blood. Eventually, he embarks on a quest to explore his roots as a vampire and connect with the vampire community from which he has been isolated.

Ryan pokes a lot of fun at the vampire genre and geek culture in general, from Anne Rice to Atari. And some of the references and observations are relatively funny. But they did not save this book from its predictability and average-quality writing. It just didn't grip me the way a great vampire novel should.
Profile Image for Stacie.
3 reviews1 follower
January 11, 2013
Shannon Ryan is an unusual author. He is abnormal in a very good way. His books differ from “ordinary” books in two ways: 1. His storyline is highly imaginative and unexpected. 2. His writing style is uncommonly good. This take on vampires was fresh and witty.
Fangs For Nothing is a tale of a seventeen year old boy, Vinny, who tells his parents that he suffers from a sunlight allergy to avoid telling them the truth—that some hot woman at the bar turned him into a vampire. He lives in his parents’ basement where he plays videogames, unable to get a job due to his “sunlight allergy.” Eventually, however, a job opportunity comes along, and Vinny finds himself to be a very successful cross-dressing make-up sales(wo)man.
I thoroughly enjoyed how this story was takes a lot of steps out on limbs. Instead of staying with the safe vampire story that a boy uses his vampire-ish charms to enchant a beautiful female, this story makes Vinny attractive to anyone he bites, leading to some fantastically entertaining homosexual tension between Vinny and a male friend. This book doesn’t push the envelope. It pushes several envelopes. Although this book crosses some traditional lines, such as the standard of never mentioning masturbation, Shannon Ryan crosses these lines with flair. I felt like his treatment of the topic of homosexuality was sincerely funny without being insulting. I was impressed with his ability to approach such a sensitive topic from an angle that was funny without being offensive.
One of Shannon Ryan’s strengths is his character development. Shannon’s characters are flawed and human (or vampire). Deep down the main characters are good, but they aren’t unrealistically heroic or unbelievably perfect. However, Shannon’s main strength is his ability to make fun of traditional expectations. Shannon knows where an “ordinary” book would take a line. He’ll head towards the same goal, and then do something completely unexpected. An example of this is when Shannon describes what it is like to run someone over in a vehicle. “I had expected him to go under the wheels, making horrible thump thump noises and feeling like a sickening speed bump. He did.” His playfulness is charming. The writing alone is good enough to pull a reader through this whole book. The nice characters and highly imaginative plot are nice additions. However, the writing style is so good that I get the distinct feeling that Shannon could make a refrigerator manual interesting.
The book does get very gory few times, with several bullet wounds, a person getting run over, some disembowelment, and a giant thorn to the crotch. Due to that and the references to homosexuality and polyamorous relationships, some parents may not feel comfortable with minors reading this book. This is not a teeny-bopper vampire story. This is a mature and full-figured book.
My overall reaction is that books this well-written are few and far between. The sense of humor of the author can be felt on every page. This book made me smile many times. I would highly recommend making time to sit down and enjoy this book.
I’m eagerly awaiting Shannon Ryan’s next book.
Profile Image for Angie Lisle.
626 reviews68 followers
December 21, 2012
Tongue in cheek, anti-romantic vamp novella. Highly recommended for fans of paranormal chick lit, even though the main character is a male vampire who just happens to be a cross-dresser because the only job he can find that works around his "sunlight allergy" involves makeup. There's a few editorial mishaps, but the humor makes up for them. I look forward to a sequel.

I won a free copy of this book from LibraryThing in exchange for a review.
Profile Image for Crystal Hutchinson.
132 reviews2 followers
December 22, 2012
This is a homerun of a vampire book! I thoroughly enjoyed this young adult novel, and found it to be appropriate for public and school libraries. The character development was well established and the setting was entertaining. The concept of an unattractive, weak vampire is a new and creative idea, and the plot was a real page turner. I read the whole book, in a day, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Profile Image for Catherine Schaff-Stump.
Author 21 books32 followers
October 5, 2013
This irreverent vampire story makes fun of many vampire tropes, and mixes them with an absurdity and slapstick that turn the book into a unique undead farce.

Yeah, that was wordy, but I'm going with it.

I'm going to give this book a high recommendation. Just don't go in expecting any Brahm Stoker or Anne Rice. Or rather, do, but expect them to be well lampooned.
Profile Image for Aimee.
163 reviews
December 21, 2012
Hilarious as I have come to expect from Ryan's books. I love all the ridiculous situations that Vinny finds himself in and how he finally grows a bit of a spine for his friends at the end. Very fun to read!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews

Can't find what you're looking for?

Get help and learn more about the design.