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I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

Jerold J. Kreisman,

Hal Straus

3.80 · Rating details · 10,468 ratings · 682 reviews

"AM I LOSING MY MIND?"

People with Borderline Personality Disorder experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 10 million sufferers of BPD living in America today—each displaying remarkably similar symptoms:

● a shaky sense of identity
● ...more

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Paperback, 224 pages

Published February 1st 1991 by Avon Books (first published 1989)

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Oct 30, 2009 Danielle rated it did not like it

Shelves: psychology, loathed

I may be in the minority here, but I hate this book. Its stance on those who deal with BPD is far from empathetic - rather, it perpetuates this myth that all people with BPD are ridiculous and potentially dangerous individuals who care only for themselves; it is also incredibly pessimistic about any good or meaningful treatment outcomes for BPD sufferers.

In the years since this was written, not only has the BPD diagnosis been given more discerningly (with many people who were once called BPD no ...more

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Nov 07, 2015 Clumsy Storyteller rated it really liked it

To sum things up:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships, It is one of the most common of all of the personality disorders.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

-Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
-Impulsive and reckless behavior
-Unstable relationships with other people

Women with BPD are more likely to have co-occurring disorders such as major depression, anxiety disorders, or eating disorders. In men, BPD To sum things up:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships, It is one of the most common of all of the personality disorders.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

-Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
-Impulsive and reckless behavior
-Unstable relationships with other people

Women with BPD are more likely to have co-occurring disorders such as major depression, anxiety disorders, or eating disorders. In men, BPD is more likely to co-occur with disorders such as substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder

A borderline suffers a kind of “emotional hemophilia” they are provoked to rage uncontrollably against the people they love most. They feel helpless and empty, with an identity splintered by severe emotional contradictions. Mood changes come swiftly, explosively, carrying the borderline from the heights of joy to the depths of depression. Filled with anger one hour, calm the next

Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That’s what I wanted—to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself.
—From Long Day’s Journey into Night, by Eugene O’Neill

The family background of a borderline is often marked by alcoholism, depression, and emotional disturbances. A borderline childhood is frequently a desolate battlefield, scarred with the debris of indifferent, rejecting, or absent parents, emotional deprivation, and chronic abuse. Most studies have found a history of severe psychological, physical, or sexual abuse in many borderline patients. Indeed, a history of mistreatment, witness to violence, or invalidation of experience by parents or primary caregivers distinguishes borderline patients from other psychiatric patients.
These unstable relationships carry over into adolescence and adulthood, where romantic attachments are highly charged and usually short-lived. The borderline will frantically pursue a man (or woman) one day and send him packing the next. Longer romances—usually measured in weeks or months rather than years—are usually filled with turbulence and rage, wonder, and excitement. ...more

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Mar 29, 2009 quail rated it it was ok

Shelves: bpd

This book is terribly outdated. It lists homosexuality as sexual deviation, and was published before the advent of SSRIs. It also predates the current treatment for borderline personality disorder, Dialetical Behavioral Therapy. Don't bother reading this. ...more

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Mar 28, 2013 Rae rated it did not like it

This book uses astonishingly stigmatizing language. It uses phrases like, "The borderline does this" and "The bordline feels this" throughout. It's the same kind of language that, for example, old-school anthropological studies (ethnographies) tend to use-it renders "the borderline" as both a monolithic type and as other. It is insulting to presume that all people with this diagnosis are the same. Borderline was originally a diagnosis for people, nearly all women, who sought mental health care b ...more

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Aug 06, 2012 Kali rated it did not like it

This book does nothing to convince me that the diagnosis of BPD is coherent or particularly useful. As always, case stories that neatly dovetail with the author's point of view are included, but I found the inclusion of gratuitous diagnosis of famous (and usually beautiful) women as BPD to be highly distasteful. Both Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana are dissected. I can see the appeal of fantasizing about offering therapy to such women, but working out those fantasies in book form is in questio ...more

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Oct 23, 2018 Sandy Plants rated it did not like it

Shelves: i-strongly-disliked

Tl;dr this book is a pile of garbage.

This is an out-of-date book written by a sexist old man and I can’t believe this is considered among the best in BPD literature. It’s borderline hate speech. The author refers to people with bpd as “the borderline”. Incredibly dehumanizing. I actually made an entire note in my notes app dedicated to all the things I found problematic and infuriating about this book as I read it.

My biggest beef is that he portrays people with a BPD diagnosis as irrational, so Tl;dr this book is a pile of garbage.

This is an out-of-date book written by a sexist old man and I can’t believe this is considered among the best in BPD literature. It’s borderline hate speech. The author refers to people with bpd as “the borderline”. Incredibly dehumanizing. I actually made an entire note in my notes app dedicated to all the things I found problematic and infuriating about this book as I read it.

My biggest beef is that he portrays people with a BPD diagnosis as irrational, sociopathic, narcissistic monsters. Fuck that. What is this, 1950? That’s just not true. People with bpd are HIGHLY capable of empathy because their feelings are heightened—they feel hurt so viscerally. He stated that ‘the borderline is incapable of empathy’.........WHAT? What is this founded on??? I’m not a scientist, but even me and my high-school science courses know better than to make such an outrageous claim.

Okay, I’m going to list my grievances with this piece of shit...here goes.

The author is old and, in my opinion, a huge fucking square. He refers to deviant sexual behaviour many times. I think he even put homosexuality in that category in the earlier edition (I could be wrong, but someone else mentioned that in a review). He stated that “sexual perversions are common in people with bpd” which is like.....really? Sexual perversions? Can you elaborate? Are you the kind of person who slut shames people? Oh, you are? Oh, later in the book you basically call a patient a whore for sleeping with someone other than her husband? Cool... he talks about her hooking up with a guy as “a sleezy encounter with a man at a bar”. Sleezy??? Who are you? Is it not possible to keep your conservative, bigoted opinions to yourself in this “scientific” book?

He idealizes the “classic” family model as if it’s the only way a family should exist (man of the household with job, woman at home taking care of the home, children behaving and being quiet). I honestly think this book should come with a “make America great again” hat. He even referred to a “non-traditional family” as a “faux-family”. Again.....is this 1950? He assumes multiple times that all men date womyn (and vice versa). I guess that’s a common assumption among old, boring people, but fuck off with that shit pleeeeeeeeeease, k thx.

K, I mentioned he’s sexist, right? Why do I ask? Oh, well, every single female patient he describes in the book, he mentions their appearance and how attractive they are. One patient he describes as “could have been a model”. Sorry what does this have to do with BPD??? OH, it’s just you being a sexist bigot? Coooool!!! One client he writes about, is described as “wearing too much eye makeup” as if she’s “hiding a sadness”..............WHAT? Seriously? I don’t even know where to start.... just.....no......stop.....take this fucking book off the shelves pleeeeeeeeease.

But wait, there’s more!!!

There’s one story where he describes a womyn of colour taking a stand against racism within the hospital she’s staying in. He belittles her and tells her she’s wrong. Cool. Sorry, BPD people lack empathy? Oh, wait, no, you meant to say “I, the author of this book, lack empathy.” I could go on about this point, but I’m a white person so I can’t really attack him. All I can say is, “it’s not for you to tell someone they shouldn’t be upset.” I’m not a psychiatrist but even I KNOW you need to validate people’s feelings, not tell them they’re wrong, ESPECIALLY when you don’t know what they’re going through. That’s maybe my biggest beef with him: his lack of empathy. He mentions that bpd is commonly found in people who have a history of sexual assault and childhood trauma. Why didn’t he go into this more? Why didn’t he try to show the humanity in this diagnosis? He took the easy road and wrote bpd off as “a diagnosis for a bad person”, like the child he seems to be.

Two quotes I find HIGHLY problematic: 1) “the borderline is unable to remain friends” after a breakup AND 2) “the borderline is impossible to satisfy.” I mean, he refers to people with bpd as “the borderline”. It honestly reads like 1940s propaganda. But anyway, those statements just AREN’T true. This book is so full of fallacious statements and conjecture. Ugh...

It realllllllly pisses me off that this is still being published. It pisses me off that people in the mental health field STILL don’t understand BPD and treat it like it’s a disorder for attention seeking, manipulative sociopaths.

Not everything in this book is garbage, but 80% of it is—which voids the other 20%. Hopefully something will be written soon that actually does a good job of explaining bpd. Please don’t waste your time reading this—it only perpetuates ignorance and misinformation. Read “the body keeps the score” instead.

Honestly, fuck this book. Forever. Fuck this book forever and ever. ...more

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Nov 15, 2011 Nicol rated it it was ok

Shelves: non-fiction, psych-mental-illness, nursing

Is this book in dire need of an update? Yes! Published in 1989, it is about time for a re-haul or at the very least a new introduction. Furthermore, whether it was published in the 1980's or now, it lacks a feminist analysis which in turn normalizes violence (and in particular intimate partner violence) and heterosexist stereotypes about women and men's behaviors and emotions. This absence proves dangerous for both individuals suffering from BPD and their family members. The authors propose gene Is this book in dire need of an update? Yes! Published in 1989, it is about time for a re-haul or at the very least a new introduction. Furthermore, whether it was published in the 1980's or now, it lacks a feminist analysis which in turn normalizes violence (and in particular intimate partner violence) and heterosexist stereotypes about women and men's behaviors and emotions. This absence proves dangerous for both individuals suffering from BPD and their family members. The authors propose generalized origins about BPD based on heterosexist notions about gender. Also, in one of the case studies, the authors describe a patient has "provoking" her husband into hitting her. Utilizing language like that to describe a patient's guilt, placing the responsibility of violence on the victim/survivor rather than the abuser. Rather than exploring how BPD patients self-destructive behaviors and possible histories of past physical abuse lead them to stay in abusive relationships, the authors circumvent those aspects with sentences like "provoking" violence and focus on substance abuse. Both are equally important. Also, the only case study that mentions race, devalues the patient's experiences. I think it is important that while dealing with patients or if you have loved ones suffering from any mental illness, not every single behavior is attributed to that original illness, especially with personality disorders. For example, in this case study a black patient expressed concern that inpatient treatment was white focused. From the short story, it was clear that the patient was avoiding dealing with her own issues to focus on the racism she felt in the hospital BUT it does not mean the racism was not there.
Besides that, the book offers case studies that trail the behavior of BPD. It is a good resource to begin to understand the erratic behavoir of people suffering from BPD. Also, the back of the book provides many resources for indiviuals and loved ones (yet another reason why the update is really needed). I probably would not reccomend the book as a whole to patients for the above mentioned reasons, but definitely copy one of the case studies.
What to take away from this book: BPD is an illness not a choice, not a weakness, or any other stereoype that confuses mental illness. Also, the authors explore how BPD was misdiagnosed for so long.
Overall, I guess I was hoping for much more from this book. I have read articles on BPD that did a much better job of explaining the disorder and how to treat it. ...more

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Oct 20, 2017 Diana rated it did not like it

Shelves: dnfed

While some of the information given by the book can be useful I have stopped reading at 15-20% of it as i couldn't stand the patronizing tone and the way they say borderlines do things as if they wanted to instead of sometimes being just an acquired answer. Yes, I know we can somehow learn how to deal with things and control the answer to a degree, but it doesn't always work and it is not as if the borderlines want to or enjoy it. It is like an anxious person suffers from anxiety and you can't t ...more

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Jan 30, 2014 Ren HappilyBuriedInBooks rated it really liked it

4.5 stars - While in dire need of an update, this book gives a multitude of case studies of fictitious people who are dealing with borderline personality disorder. Many of the other reviews for this book who suffer from BPD said it made them out to negative people and one person actually said something to the effect of the book making her want to "slit her throat" and made a sarcastic joke about how borderline that made her. In my opinion, as a diagnosed borderline myself, I feel that her comple 4.5 stars - While in dire need of an update, this book gives a multitude of case studies of fictitious people who are dealing with borderline personality disorder. Many of the other reviews for this book who suffer from BPD said it made them out to negative people and one person actually said something to the effect of the book making her want to "slit her throat" and made a sarcastic joke about how borderline that made her. In my opinion, as a diagnosed borderline myself, I feel that her completely negative review with not one positive thing to say is the trait that most indicates the BPD.
So the case studies usually start out each chapter and section and then possible reasons in a person's history or upbringing for these traits are given. It touches on nature vs nurture, past trauma, abuse victims, and other possible causes. I personally felt that anyone with BPD could find something to which they can relate. The reviewer I wrote about above also said something about feeling that the book made borderlines out to be horrible people (or something of the like). In my opinion, the book depicts various traits and symptoms of this affliction; the book is about a disorder characterized by symptoms that aren't in the same category with glitter and unicorns. Sudden outbursts of rage, intense depression, eating disorders, self-destructive tendencies, turbulent relationships, and thoughts colored black or white with no gray areas would be difficult to display under rainbow colored lights with cute puppies. It's a difficult and potentially destructive disorder. Note: it's called a disorder, not a beneficial personality trait! I personally liked being able to see that I wasn't suffering through this (and making others suffer because of me) alone. While not all of it pertained exactly to my problems, much did and it felt good to validate my weaknesses so that I can (hopefully) better identify and rectify them. Give the book it's needed update and I'd give it the full five stars. ...more

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Aug 03, 2010 Noelle rated it really liked it

As a mental health professional, I can say that I found this book to be among the best written to help a person better understand their spouse, friend, parent, sibling, etc. who is suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. It helps the reader to understand how one develops the characteristics one may encounter in relationships with these individuals. A bit technical at times, but true to the criteria as indicated in the Diagnostic and Statistical manual.

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Jan 06, 2009 George rated it really liked it

This book is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), who experience violent mood swings, which interfere with their leading a normal life. The symptoms are: •A shaky sense of identity, •Sudden violent outbursts, •Severe mood shifts, •Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection, •Brief, turbulent love affairs, •Frequent periods of intense depression, •Eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies, •An irrational fear of abandonment and an inabil ...more

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May 11, 2019 Sophia Gourgiotis rated it it was ok

I read this book after watching the series “Crazy Ex Girlfriend”. I was curious about the main character’s mental illness and wanted to know more. This book was highly recommended to me (via the internet).

While I learned a lot from the book I have major problems with some of the gendered terminology and examples. Also, the consistent use of gendered pronouns (particularly “he/his”) was distracting and rather annoying. The authors mention the usage of pronouns in the preface but state that despi ...more

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May 04, 2009 Bonnie rated it liked it

Shelves: reviewed-books, reference

This was an interesting read, but the main reason I read it was for research purposes. I have since learned that one of the characters in my book actually has a case of "The Double Bind" personality. Which is why I read The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian; an enjoyable read, but again, not relevant to my research. The places research can take you! :) ...more

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Jan 05, 2021 Benjamin L. rated it did not like it

I was initially going to leave this one off Goodreads, because it's on a somewhat personal topic. But it is so terrible I feel it would be a dereliction of duty to let it pass. I honestly gave up on this book early and hate-read the rest, so I guess you could say I still enjoyed it. That said, if you or a loved one are suffering from BPD and you are genuinely looking to learn more to help contextualise/cope, please do not buy this particular book.

Because this book was awful. It was astoundingly I was initially going to leave this one off Goodreads, because it's on a somewhat personal topic. But it is so terrible I feel it would be a dereliction of duty to let it pass. I honestly gave up on this book early and hate-read the rest, so I guess you could say I still enjoyed it. That said, if you or a loved one are suffering from BPD and you are genuinely looking to learn more to help contextualise/cope, please do not buy this particular book.

Because this book was awful. It was astoundingly awful in almost every single conceivable way. The Spelling and Grammar editing wasn't awful, actually, but that's about all that wasn't utter trash. Shelving in 'Political Fiction' because honestly my Science shelf is too good for this trash and although the 'quantitative' science is accurate when reporting raw figures, the interpretation of the science is seemingly politically motivated fiction.

I am incredibly thankful I have an educational background in this topic, so it was very easy for me to spot the problems. I picked this up not because I thought it would be particularly new content to me, but because sometimes it can be nice to have everything put together coherently rather than having to do that myself.

Lets start with the core, and work out way outwards.

This book is largely made up of disparate anecdotes of patients that the author has either treated, or otherwise come across. In that sense it reads more like a series of case histories than a coherent attempt to discuss a common disorder, and at its worse it comes off as a series of freak shows. Rather than being from a place of compassion, empathy, or understanding this book feels like it was written as if BPD was a spectator sport. See what freak of nature Jerold heroically treated next! See how he calmly smiles and shakes his head as the harpies (his words, not mine) thrust themselves upon him! See how he wisely tells a black woman she is overreacting to systemic racism because she has BPD. In each case study mentioned the focus is on 'look how crazy this lady is', and compassion, empathy or even an attempt to understand the sociobiological causes of the behaviour are nowhere to be seen. Rather than using case studies to support a scientific understanding, build empathy, and show success in treatment, case studies are a never ending competition to one-up earlier chapters in a context of 'that's crazy!' Nowhere is this more clear than in a chapter where the author tries to diagnose famous people with BPD, especially actresses he finds beautiful or attractive. Every Hollywood actress has BPD apparently.

Most of the cut-and-dry science in this book is accurate, but the cut-and-dry science makes up only a very small portion of the book, the rest of which is filled with baseless speculation, Freudian psychoanalysis, just-so stories, and random anecdotes. My edition boasted being completely revised and updated, and while that was true of many of the minor, obvious statistical facts - EG, we get an recent estimated prevalence rate rather than one from the last century - all the actual interpretation, synthesis, and understanding was way back in the 80's and completely lacking any understanding of modern cognitive psychology, personality theory, or behavioural biology. For example, the claim that people suffering from BPD are incapable of empathy is straight out of 1950's research that has since been overturned. I don't want to go into the nitty-gritty scientific details here, but it seems the revision was limited to easily google-able factoids that could be looked up in an afternoon.

In fact, my favourite chapter is the chapter on medication for BPD. There was no medication when the 1st edition was published, so this is an all-new chapter -- and it's clear the author doesn't understand any of it. This chapter in particular reads like an undergraduate summary of some lecture slides, for all the insight and detail it shows. At least there is little to misrepresent.

If it wasn't already clear, this book is utterly filled with misogynistic, ageist, asides that have little to do with anything. Insinuating Snow White is a whore because she lived in a house with a bunch of men says more about how you view the world, Jerold, than it says about either Snow White or BPD. Calling a patient a whore because she had a marriage affair during a psychotic breakdown seems a little, to put it mildly, 'unhelpful.' A lot of this book feels like the author ranting and railing about whatever it is he doesn't like, and it would be hilariously out-of-touch if it wasn't so dangerous. Perhaps keep the sexist jokes out of a book meant to help patients with a mental illness that skews female? In fact, every time a female is mentioned - be it a patient, actress, or doctor - her looks are carefully deconstructed in the following sentences. Jerold, I really don't care how shapely you thought the BPD patient that was hitting on you legs' were. I really don't, and honestly, neither should you. Nor do I care about your apparent fetish-fantasy for having a famous actress come to you for treatment and fall in love with you. You can stop describing it. Please. While you are at it, please stop referring to female patients as 'harpies' and 'harridan.'

He finishes with a warning for new students of clinical psychology: They should stay away from BPD patients, who might lure them into sexual affairs. I mean, or they could do their jobs like professionals, but what do I know. Then again, Kreisman displays this particular lens of the world and causality time and time again. In one of his anecdotes, he laments on a woman who 'provoked' her husband into hitting her. He is constantly building up women with BPD as some kind of supernatural sexual other bent causing chaos for the good, family men around her.

In the opening, the author rails about how 'Political correctness' makes things harder to read, and has taken the 'bold stand' to preserve clarity by using he/him and she/her rather than they/them 'to preserve clarity' - and then goes on to treat them as interchangeable, swapping pronouns mid-paragraph, sometimes mid-sentence. A consistent they/them would have been a much better choice 'to preserve clarity.'

And here is where the major components of political fiction come in: In his analysis Kreisman pins the increasing numbers of of BPD diagnoses, not on better/more widely available MH services but on... the moral degeneracy of society since the 1950s, and the breakdown of the nuclear family into 'faux-families' (his term) and sexual deviancy (which, Kreisman explicitly states, includes homosexuality). In such a world full of moral decay, young women lack a firm guiding hand and thus develop BPD - this is Kreisman hypothesis. This is not the place to go into why that particular brand of social analysis is little more than right-wing fetishism of the 50s and conspiracy-grade nonsense, but I at least wanted to point it out.

...more

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May 13, 2019 Meonicorn (The Bookish Land) marked it as do-not-read

reason why it's on my "not-to-read" shelf: extremely stigmatizing language towards mental illness, suggesting women tend to more have BPD with ridiculous reasons. ...more

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Feb 21, 2012 Violet Harmon rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Shelves: bpd

This is the first book I read about BPD. Being a patient myself I found the personal stories of other BPDs and explanations of our conducts to be really good and felt like looking at myself in the mirror. I got a bit bored on the section about the types of psychotherapy because it was a little bit too technical for me but overall is a really good book about the disorder especially for the professionals and the people looking for different types of treatment available (at least in the USA). Must ...more

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Jul 01, 2019 Randa Mashnouk rated it liked it

A brief knowledge of unpopular mental illnesses is sometimes required to understand people's sudden unusual behaviors, or yours. Understanding and fighting the negative feelings could lead to a much better and healthier situation than quick judgements and eventually loathing everything/everyone altogether. It's definitely not a way to diagnose people or yourself, but getting to know that such world exists—with all its symptoms and stories—could lead to a whole different and new perspective.

* "If ...more

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Jun 18, 2010 Luckngrace rated it it was amazing

Shelves: self-help, psychology

This was the ONLY book I could find when searching for something to help me understand my loved one's Borderline Personality Disorder. The book is amazingly detailed, easy to understand with numerous examples and suggestions. ...more

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Feb 20, 2012 Lorie Ballard rated it really liked it

Recommended to Lorie by: My Therapist

This was a very tough book to get through, because I saw so much of myself in it. If you have BPD, or you know of love someone with it...this is a good book to read. It may help you in understanding a little of what they go through.

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Jun 14, 2020 Katarzyna rated it really liked it

Shelves: biblioteka-katarzyny

The title is very misleading. This is a dry, informative, academic book with detailed outlook. Besides communication techniques, it doesn't offer any specific plan of recovery or self-diagnosis. For anyone interested in the subject it is an obligatory read. For anyone looking for a helpful coping strategy or plan, not so much. ...more

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Mar 30, 2008 Bryn rated it did not like it

Sexist! Yuck.

Keep pushin' me, keep pushin' my lo-oo-oove. ...more

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Jun 19, 2018 Rachel rated it liked it

Lots of good information but could certainly be less pathologizing

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May 04, 2021 Gwen rated it it was amazing

I used this book as part of a college course it was very informative

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Oct 09, 2011 Melinda rated it liked it

Shelves: medicine

I recently found out an acquaintance had been diagnosed as being bi-polar. I got this book at the library, and lo and behold found out that having a "borderline personality" is a similar but not same diagnosis as "bi-polar". They are similar conditions, but evidently bi-polar or manic-depressives have swings from one extreme to the other that follow cycles. Inbetween the opposite swings, they can be fairly stable. People with borderline personality condition (BPC) live constantly in a kind of fr I recently found out an acquaintance had been diagnosed as being bi-polar. I got this book at the library, and lo and behold found out that having a "borderline personality" is a similar but not same diagnosis as "bi-polar". They are similar conditions, but evidently bi-polar or manic-depressives have swings from one extreme to the other that follow cycles. Inbetween the opposite swings, they can be fairly stable. People with borderline personality condition (BPC) live constantly in a kind of fractured reality. This book was written in 1989, and contained some remarkably apt comments on why people become borderline.

At the age of 18 months to 30 months, toddlers learn about object permanence. They learn that their mother can leave, and that she will come back. She exists even when the toddler cannot see her. Their terror when their mother leaves gradually moderates when they learn they have not been abandoned. These months are crucial in the emotional development of children, because if this window is missed or broken up, it causes damage that literally is impossible to repair. Borderline personalities are those children who because of whatever kind of physical or emotional trauma, never develop this kind of object permanence and relational stability. They never develop a healthy sense of "me" and "my mother" (or someone else), and as such remain in the pre-toddler emotional limbo of either being happy that someone is with you.... or distraught because that person has abandoned you and will never come back. From this fractured reality comes the title, "I hate you, Don't leave me".

I found out alot of fascinating things about this very dreadful condition. And even more interesting ways to prevent it. Mother's and father's? Stay married and together. Divorce puts unthinkable pressure on young children that they do not have emotional maturity to handle. So the ways their little minds react is to become fractured so as to diffuse the emotional trauma. Divorce also opens up young children to abuse by non-family members who are brought into their lives -- boyfriends, step-dads and step-brothers and step-uncles who are more likely to abuse a child who is not theirs. Thinking about daycare? Don't do it.... children who are not cared for by loving caregivers (parents) risk attachment problems and a damaged ability to create and maintain healthy relationships for the rest of their lives. Now that is something worth asking about when people consider daycare!

This is a very worthwhile book. It taught me a great deal about mental issues I knew little about. I leave with this quote, which sums up what someone with borderline personality condition lives with,
" A borderline suffers a kind of emotional hemophilia; he lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death." (pg 8) ...more

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Jan 16, 2021 Toni 🌸 rated it it was amazing

Shelves: mental-health

This taught me so much about myself and gave me the words to explain things I didn't know how. It filled in many of the gaps I was looking for in order to understand my diagnosis more. Information that was harder to find elsewhere, at least all in one place. Sometimes I thought the case studies or psychological explanations would bore me to death, but they were nothing but compelling and only helped me to understand myself more.

There are some questionable statements towards the start of the boo ...more

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Jan 23, 2008 Kati rated it it was ok

Okay, so there are several things about this book.
It is an older book written about Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe it's intended audience was folks living with borderline or folks who know folks living with borderline. It is not clinical, but does present itself as helpful to counselors as an overview.
As an overview of Borderline it was okay. There were lots of examples, which I always like.
There were, unfortunately, some major hang-ups for me. One was that in the examples the autho ...more

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Apr 01, 2021 Anna Shtorm rated it liked it

As it's a relatively old book it uses a patronizing tone and gives you less than no hope if you have BPD. On the other hand, if you have not read anything about BPD it's still a good book to get an overall feeling of BPD and get clues on how to recognize it in yourself and the people around you. ...more

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Jan 26, 2022 Britt Hawkins rated it did not like it

The first couple pages were informative and useful. The rest of the book is complete utter garbage. His use of words is so demeaning that I could not imagine giving this book to a loved one to read and understand your bpd. In fact: don't. There are other books out there more recently published. I found this book so fucking problematic. From his victim blaming to his use of "borderlines". Don't buy this trash. ...more

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Nov 29, 2021 Derodidymus added it

good introduction, useful information on symptoms, treatment, therapy and at the end lots of resources (thank you!)
the heavy info is correlated with examples so the book is comprehensive, easy to understand.
over all, a great start.
but not enough!
you don't stop here. it's not enough.

✨and so i dive further into bpd world✨ ...more

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Aug 27, 2021 Antagonist rated it liked it

Shelves: genre-psychology, genre-nonfiction

This is a great read for those who are living with a loved one with borderline. It could give you insight into how difficult it be, but as someone with the disorder, I only gained some validation. It's of course outdated but I think still really holds true today. ...more

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About Jerold J. Kreisman

Jerold J. Kreisman

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Jerold Kreisman, M.D., is a psychiatrist and best-selling author. His books, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Sometimes I Act Crazy. have been translated into several languages around the world. He is an Associate Clinical Professor at St. Louis University and has been designated a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He has lectured widely in both this country and abr ...more

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“A borderline suffers a kind of emotional hemophilia; [s]he lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate [his or her] spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death.” — 47 likes

“The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that "loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude." Because the borderline finds solitude so difficult to tolerate, she is trapped in a relentless metaphysical loneliness from which the the only relief comes from of the physical presence of others. So she will often rush to singles bars or with crowded haunts, often with disappointing--or even violent--results.” — 40 likes

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