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336 pages, Hardcover
First published May 1, 2007
“Sookie is good at thinking outside the box.”
“But in the next moment, his eyes got that focused look men get when they’re thinking about sex very specifically.”
“He tugged my top out of my pants and began exploring territory he’d only visited briefly before”
“little bitty panties”
“This is like standing in front of a buffet,” he said. “I don’t know where to begin.”
I touched my breasts. “First course,” I suggested. "
"“I dreamed of this,” he said, and shoved inside me up to the hilt”
“I was pleasantly aware of the tenderness I felt south of my belly button”
“His lips were so warm and firm, they reminded me of something else that had been warm and firm.”
“Even through the condom, I’d been able to feel the heat.”
“I’d always figured Jason wouldn’t marry a woman I truly adored; he’d always shown a partiality to tough sluts. And that was Crystal, sure enough.”“Carla was getting dressed (thank God) in what I thought of as “classy whore.””
Least Interesting Question to Ask a Vampire
Sookie finally gets around to asking Pam how she became a vampire and Pam reveals that she was turned in the Victorian era. Sookie, given this unprecedented opportunity to ask any question about human or vampire life and experiences in the last century and a half, goes with the following:“Did you wear your hair up every day?”
Apparently, yes, Pam did wear her hair up every day. Sookie’s curiosity about Pam and the entirety of history from the Victorian era onward thus satisfied, the conversation ends.
Most Random Self-Assessment“I wasn’t too pleased with myself for being so judgmental”
Really Sookie? It’s certainly not been summat that bothered you before. Nor, apparently, will you have any further qualms about judging everyone you meet. So, a reformed character for roughly 12 seconds.
Stupidest New Supernatural Beings
Britlingen. Super-bodyguards from another dimension, apparently. Despite these credentials, Sookie’s description of one of them runs to her having ”feathery ash-brown hair that needed a good stylist”. What makes her think they have stylists in this unnamed alternative dimension I’m not sure, but obviously having a good hair-do would be of paramount importance to an enslaved warrior from another world.
Most Blindly Patriotic Outlook“In a moment, I understood that I hadn’t even thought about worrying because I’d grown up a free United States human citizen; I wasn’t used to worrying about my fate being in question”
Because of course in the Good Ol’ USA there is no social injustice and the legal system is swift and flawless.
Least Likely Choice of Artist for a Vampire Band to Cover
Worst Synonym for Dancing“pretty soon we were shaking our bonbons all over the place”
Most Inappropriate Response to Your Friend Having Been in a Massive Anti-Vampire Terrorist Explosion“Oh, my God! Your new clothes!”
What plot there is being over, and all the usual lines and events trotted out yet again, the book finally concludes with the most hokey ending possible, short of “they lived happily ever after”:“We went inside with the sun bright on our backs and our shadows preceding us into the old house.”
”Ha,” I said. “Oh, ha-ha. Yeah, ‘cause they love me. You see how many vampires are up here? Zero, right?”
“One,” said Eric, stepping out of the stairwell.