Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with Your Baby

by Deborah Jackson

Only since Victorian times has it been standard practice for mothers and fathers to send their babies to sleep alone, away from the parental bed - often in another room. This book reveals how babies who sleep with their parents benefit by getting virtually a full night's sleep. The author explains the advantages of this radical form of baby care, including its benefits for breastfeeding mothers, reviews the history of babies in the bed and, through interviews with parents, explores attitudes to the idea. The book also contains a fresh perspective on the tragedy of cot death, as well as practical advice on how to sustain your sex life, hints on safety in the bed, answers to all the common objections and dealing with the moment when the baby leaves its parents' bed.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help

312 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

About the author

Deborah Jackson is an experienced journalist and bestselling childcare author. She writes for national newspapers and her articles have appeared in many magazines, including Elle and Natural Parent. Books on childcare have included Three in a Bed and Baby Wisdom. Deborah runs workshops for the Active Birth Centre in London, and has lectured on parenting in Austria. Her numerous television appearances include This Morning and the BBC's Baby Monthly. She lives in Bath.

Reviews

[Kate Estivill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fantastic book full of well-researched information on the history of co-sleeping and it's loss of popularity from the Victorian ages. The author is a great advocate for bringing this practice back and I fully suppport her opinions.

The reason I did not give the book 5 stars is the following: I have coslept with my 13 month old since birth, from the very first night. I nursed her round the clock and continue to nurse her at night or when she needs comforting. She is a high needs child, a very light and restless sleeper and cries several times each night, despite being next to me, being nursed. I also suffered from plugged ducts for the first 6 months and by 5 months she was losing weight (it was obvious that I was overproducing foremilk, again, despite nursing round the clock). This could have been from a bad latch or a myriad of other reasons, but I share this to make a point: books should refrain from promoting a "if you do this, you'll have a happy baby" conclusions. My daughter becomes happier every day, but some babies are born needier or less placid than others and telling their mom's that by cosleeping and nursing, their baby will transform into a child that never cries is unfair and untrue.

I began this book motivated to learn more about cosleeping and I found consolation in that I did and continue to have faith that this is the best choice for the baby and my family. By the end of the book, however, I was becoming guilty and concerned: "what am I doing wrong? I cosleep, I nurse, I am trying my best and she still cries multiple times a night".

So, to all other mothers out there who surely share my experience and have younger babies, I wish you the strength and love to persist. I love sleeping with my daughter, despite not having slept a full night in over a year. And when I see her play with other children, she has a confidence that far outweighs their - is this because of her personality or attachment parenting? Ah, well the eternal nature vs. nurture debate is one we are far from fully understanding, but all we can do is nurture as much as we can, so that nature has its best shot and helping our children develop into the beautiful souls they are. And this is the heart of the book. I just look forward to the day when babies personalities are taken into consideration and we stop attempting a "one size fits all".

[Cass · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this one of the best all-round attachment parenting books that I have read.

[Katy Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, yes & yes to Three in a Bed!

I have given this book 5☆ and would gladly give more. The style of writing is easy to digest and in my case, I struggled to put the book down, blasting excerpts at my husband who both bemused and extremely interested in what was being said joined me in having our practice of bed sharing affirmed as being most definitely the right thing for us and our baby. I love the information on historical practice that has informed the modern parenting model, and adore the information on differing cultural practices regarding bed sharing.
There are many times when living in the western world that as a mother or as parents who are bed sharing or considering bed sharing that your decision will be challenged, or as a new parent you compare yourself to the other mums and perhaps find yourself in the minority or the only one bed sharing, and feeding baby on demand, and you may see eyebrows raised and feel animosity towards your choice...or question if you really are doing things for the best for yourself and your child. This book is a warm reminder that yes, this is right for us and our child(ren) and gives a big pat on the back and thumbs up - the thing often missing from our parent peers and healthcare professionals.
As I write this review, my 15 month old is lying asleep next to me, her fingers against my arm for comfort, her features soft and happy...since falling asleep in my arms and being brought to bed, she has fed at least 3 times and this is only 2 hours into being in bed...but it is bliss, she finds the breast easily, cosies her warm body up to mine, drinks her fill and then when done, usually as with tonight rolls into her own space to dream happy milky dreams with the knowledge that mum is there always....and my heart and soul are happy knowing my baby is content, safe, alive, thriving and with me. No tears, no fears, no loneliness....a family day and night, there for one another. In the morning we'll be greeted with smiles, giggles, looking out of the window at the world and books in bed before we kick start our day. How lovely. How very, very lovely.

[Yumi Kirtash · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been quite an interesting read (much more than I initially expected) my mother gave it to me before giving birth to our first baby. I wanted to read everything I could that would enrich what I know about babies, children and their development and needs. My fiancé and I wanted to co-sleep regardless, but reading about its benefits or different ways of doing can always be useful (definitely was).

I was pleased to see that the author mentions how different practices came to be, the historical aspect of the book was surprising and quite interesting to read (the Victorians were... uf). I also enjoyed the different customs of tribes and communities all around the world, you see the similarities and differences, as well as the varied outcomes from doing one thing or another; of course many things come into the mix, but it is quite amazing how much constant care and touch help the baby develop healthily and at its own pace. It is also quite "amazing" how much intervention we have in the West and how lost we are as parents, parenting somehow becomes so complicated. I thought I knew quite a bit before having my baby, but once my baby came 4 months ago, I realized I was doubting myself on so many things - or felt that I lacked certain knowledge/skill. After some time (and digesting my personal birth trauma) I feel much more confident, this book has also given me an extra piece to build up my trust in myself as a mother. Although it is a very important task and nobody should really enter parenthood unaware of the responsibility that it carries, it is not as hard as many parents/professionals/friends make it be. Humans tend to complicate life, this is not the exception.

The writer does repeat certain notions, I personally did not mind this as it helped digest what I read many pages ago.

All in all I have revisited things I knew or felt to be true and also learned many new things, so I am very glad to have read it while my baby is still an infant.

[Rita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was sorry I didn't read this book before I had my baby. I remember how unnatural it felt the night we spent at the hospital to put baby down in a cot separate from me, suddenly not touching her so soon after she was part of me. I fell asleep with her holding my finger, my arm in an awkward angle, and relished every time she woke up to feed because it meant I got to hold her again. As a first time mum, reassurance and permission are powerful things. I was already co-sleeping through part of the night when I started reading it and by the middle it had empowered me to go with what felt right and I wasn't even keeping up the pretence anymore of putting baby down in her next-to-me crib at the start of the night. The crib became an insurance policy against baby rolling off the bed during the night (which never happened) and a helpful extra nightstand for all the books and toys we liked having around. If I had read the book sooner, I would've gotten a lot more sleep in the early days, snuggled up in bed with a cuddly newborn instead of going through endless cycles of her falling asleep in my arms only to wake up again as soon as I put her down. I would sometimes sleep with her during the day, protecting myself against the health visitor's judgmental tone by quoting the most recent advice on safe co-sleeping from the Lullaby Trust. I would've given in completely much sooner had I been armed with the wealth of arguments and research this book provides. I won't hesitate to do what feels natural when I have my next baby. Health visitor's tone be damned.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of the information was interesting and the geek in me liked the extensive documentation, but I found myself wanting to just finish the book and move on to something else. I would think, "Didn't she say this exact same thing a couple chapters ago?" But I may be confusing it with other books that I've read on the same subject recently - I honestly don't know if it's my own faulty memory mushing multiple books together or if she was really being repetitive. She also seemed a bit defensive at times - That's fine, but I prefer the parenting books with a calmer tones. My initial feeling is that it could be a shorter book and still impart the same information.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Started off well, and I was genuinely interested in what she had to say. Unfortunately I found myself skimming before long because it became very repetitive.

I was reassured on many fronts, though, and was far less worried about having baby in bed with us - often he would end up there after a night feed because we would all fall asleep! So read it if you want to put your mind at ease, but you probably don't need to finish it!!!

[Alice Chau-Ginguene · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book provides very valuable information on the subject matter. Maybe because she is preaching to the converted, I found myself skip through the book like some of the other reviewers. I just wanted to go through it quickly to get to the practical information bit of the book than on the 'why should we do it' bit of the book. I already knew why. But it's probably just my personal circumstance.
I think it's a very good book for someone who knows nothing about attachment issue on babies though.

[Kindra McRobbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

It didn’t offered much/any practical advice, but was a fascinating look at the historical development of how sleeping advice and practices have evolved in North America and Britain. I enjoyed the comparisons of tribal vs industrialized cultures, and found it refreshing that it didn’t take on the ‘tribal cultures are all perfect and if only we lived in one then every child rearing problem would be solved’ approach that I’ve heard many times.
It was extremely biased, which was nor surprise, but it was also empowering, particularly at the end. It seemed very encouraging for mothers to find and trust their own instincts=even if they happen to go in the face of current professional or societal recommendations.
All in all I found it to be more interesting/inspiring than helpful, and as such I can’t imagine myself reading it again, but I would certainly recommend it to someone either considering try to co sleep or just curious to learn more about historical practices of sleep trends on North America and Britain.

[Govard Terrako · Rating 5 out of 5]

You’re in luck! I recently purchased some braided crib bumpers from Kari Studio, and I couldn’t be happier with my choice. The bumpers are not only beautiful but also made with the highest quality materials cot bumper set. They add such a lovely touch to the nursery, and I feel confident knowing that they’re safe and soft for my little one. The attention to detail in the braiding is exceptional, and the variety of colors really helped me match them perfectly with my nursery theme. What stood out most was their excellent customer service everything was super easy from start to finish. Ordering was a breeze, delivery was quick, and my bumpers arrived carefully packaged.

[s/c · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book, very easy to read and it has had a profound effect on how I parented my two children. Reading it confirmed what felt right and gave me the confidence to put it into practice and have counter arguments for anyone who questioned our sleeping arrangements. I remember the midwife asking how many times in a night my newbie woke up and I couldn't remember any. She slightly surfaced without really waking, latched herself on without really waking me and then went back to sleep. All very calm and peaceful. I think my family life would have been very different without the wisdom in this book. Can't recommend it enough.

[David Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

We read this book as it seemed wholly unnatural to separate a baby from its Mum having been totally connected for the previous 9 months. Both our sons slept in our bed with us and virtually every benefit that the author high-lighted with regards the practice came about. It's a brilliant book with seemingly top notch research, the arguments made in it are compelling, but more than that really interesting. Excellent book - read it in one hit as I recall.

[Tamara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely lovely read. We are bedsharing our first born and really wish I'd read this fully before having her. It would have given me more confidence from the start. But it has still helped me 10 months down the line to reassure me that we are doing the right thing for us and our family.
Highly recommend

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Instinct vs Expectation

This book has provided an alternative to the standard western view of babies sleeping in cots. I've been struggling with guilt because our baby co-sleeps, and this book has really normalised my experience. It has also given me confidence when I'm faced with people who are not supportive. Thank you Deborah Jackson.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book. Loved reading it.

[Alice · Rating 2 out of 5]

So biased that even I - a bedsharer - was a bit repelled. I liked the historical and cultural contexts she uses and ultimately she is absolutely correct about the logic and benefits of co-sleeping. However her uncompromising stance was far too alienating for me, and her response to some of the problematic aspects of bed sharing were very brief and dismissive. For example, suggesting that day time naps can be done in a sling just isn't practical.
For my family, we loved the concept for co-sleeping and found it perfect from birth to 4 months old, at which point I found the night-long feeds and state of semi-sleep caused by my continual vigilance so taxing that we couldn't continue any longer. Add to that having a baby so attached to feeding during sleep that he refused to nap unless on the breast. I found myself surprised and guilty that bedsharing hadn't worked for us, in fact, it lead to some massive problems: transitioning a co-sleeping baby into his own bed, and then encouraging him to nap independently, was a nightmare.
I suppose what I would like is a practical, realistic approach rather than preaching and more one-size-fits-all parenting advice.

[Kindra · Rating 4 out of 5]

It didn't offer much/any practical advice, but was a fascinating look at the historical development of how sleeping advice and practices have evolved in North America and Britain. I enjoyed the comparisons of tribal vs industrialized cultures, and found it refreshing that it didn't take on the 'tribal cultures are all perfect and if only we lived in one then every child rearing problem would be solved' approach that I've heard many times.
It was extremely biased, which was no surprise, but it was also empowering, particularly at the end. It seemed very encouraging for mothers to find and trust their own instincts-even if they happen to go in the face of current professional or societal recommendations.
All in all I found it to be interesting/inspiring than helpful, and as such I can't imagine myself reading it again, but I would certainly recommend it to someone either considering trying co sleeping or just curious to learn more about historical practices of sleep trends in North America and Britain.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't read a lot of nonfiction but recently I've read a couple of parenting books. We ended up cosleeping with Grace without planning to and have enjoyed it. (and all the sleep we get because of it!) Lately, I've been feeling more ambivalent about it and ready for her to move out of our bed, and this bed provided some great reflections for me. She has good ideas about how and when to transition your child out of your bed, but just in general the book gives a lot of medical/cultural info about sharing a bed with your baby and helped me gain a little perspective on it.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book did what I'd hope every parenting book would attempt--a good focus, plenty of research with a wide range of sources, anecdotes and narrative, tips and variations. What I admired about this book was its attention to people's concerns about co-sleeping and her reasoned response. The position that children will be *less* clingy because they were able to participate in their move into independence is a good one, one I am already observing in my seven-month-old, who is almost too mobile as of recent!

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend brought me this book when I was expecting my babies - I found it startling, and full of wisdom. I won't say that it changed our whole approach towards becoming parents, because I'm not sure we'd really worked one out... but it challenged so much of our thinking and we made very different choices than I think we would have done otherwise. So glad I read this book and always very grateful to my friend for sending it our way.

[Janelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found "Good Nights: The Happy Parents Guide to the Family Bed" to be a much more useful resource on the topic of bed and roomsharing. Jackson failed to add anything new to my understanding of the subject. Combine that with her not so subtle disdain for Christianity, and I was left with a book that I finished out of obligation "I've come this far, may as well finish" rather than interest.

[Jenny Aird · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good at making the argument for cosleeping, not so good at solving some of the problems or issues that are encountered - eg logistics of how to share the bed. A lot of the worries we had as new parents were not answered by this book. Incidentally we coslept until around 4/5 months when he started sleeping with arms spread out and took up the whole bed!

[Natalie Valenzuela · Rating 2 out of 5]

I only read certain chapters in this book as I was researching the topic. It's rather old, but there is some good stuff.

[Meryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

The tone of this one was a bit judgmental and defensive, but--if you could get past that--there was a lot of good information.

[Charlotte Burt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very bias against children sleeping alone.

[Barbc]

8

[Will Finch · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but too preachy and one-sided to be genuinely useful.

[Daphne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well researched and super informative guide to co sleeping with babies/children.