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And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives
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Having a baby is a joyous experience, but even the best relationships are strained during the transition from duo to trio. Lack of sleep, never-ending housework, and new fiscal concerns often lead to conflict, disappointment, and hurt feelings. In And Baby Makes Three Love Lab(TM) experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman teach couples the skills from their successfu
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Hardcover, 272 pages
Published
January 9th 2007
by Crown Publishing Group (NY)
(first published 2007)
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Start your review of And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives
This book came highly recommended from my early childhood teacher. The idea and concept of the book is excellent as most people experience difficulty in maintaining their relationship after bringing home a baby. The author does a great job of outlining basic ways to get and stay connected to your partner. The disappointing part of the book is that the author provided examples of partners that held very traditional roles-- father works and is hands off and mother is the main caregiver. Also, he a
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A baby puts stress on a relationship. How well a couple weathers that stress is important both for the health of that relationship and on the longer term happiness and well being of the baby. The effects are both direct and indirect: stress can lead directly to distress in everyone in the family, and it can also lead to eventual divorce and the negative consequences of that.
This book takes a practical and concrete approach to helping couples handle the changes that a new baby brings. Unlike much ...more
This book takes a practical and concrete approach to helping couples handle the changes that a new baby brings. Unlike much ...more
Wow! This book has been so helpful. I wish I had read it when my wife was pregnant, but better late than never. The content covers so much helpful ground and gives practical steps for couples who are welcoming their first child. I had no idea what to expect and this book really helped to normalize the experience of being a first time parent, driving away shame and offering encouragement. As a pastor, I plan to use this with any first time parents in my congregation. All that said, like any good
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If you've read other books by the Gottmans, then you've already read most of this book. It's basically reiterating their research and clinical theories, with a few extra chapters on how this applies to couples expecting their first child or new parents. There's great information presented in the book, just don't expect any new information if you're familiar with their work.
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Somewhat formulaic at times and life isn't really that way, but overall great review/discussion of some of the pitfalls of relationships, especially after having a baby, with lots of suggestions for important and productive conversations to have to avoid the pitfalls.
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"Small things often"- this is the advice the Gottmans give to couples to help their marital relationship survive and develop further after a new baby arrives. I especially appreciated their tips on making arguments/disagreements more respectful, tips like: give compliments, make light jokes, and listen to feelings during arguments. Restate your spouses' position before giving your own. Compromise, don't overgeneralize. This is real practical advice, and there's years of research behind what he's
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Coming up on the halfway mark... some good ideas, but too much of a rehash of earlier books.
Early on this book starts out as a condemnation that if you're not always acting on the best behavior in front of your spouse during pregnancy that your children will have all sorts of development problems. The evidence is okay, but not completely damming. Either way though, real life gets in the way and it didn't seem to offer many solutions. The second half of this book was much better than the first. I ...more
Early on this book starts out as a condemnation that if you're not always acting on the best behavior in front of your spouse during pregnancy that your children will have all sorts of development problems. The evidence is okay, but not completely damming. Either way though, real life gets in the way and it didn't seem to offer many solutions. The second half of this book was much better than the first. I ...more
Brian and I took turns reading this out loud. It was slow-going, but worth the effort. If you've read other Gottman material, you'll definitely notice some repeated material. The exercises and discussion prompts were the most valuable aspects of the book, since we don't normally ponder matters such as the dreams behind our mundane wishes or how we hope to instill a family legacy. The book also encouraged good, frank discussion about our fears and sex and family history.
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Basically the same as all his/their other books, and for the most part could be easily summarized in a blog post.
This book contains some good info that I think will be helpful to most readers. The exercises and the research conclusions are very interesting to me. However, most of the research is outdated (the edition I had was from 2001, I believe). Some of the advice is just so glaringly sexist and obnoxious. Furthermore, the style in the book is very disjointed. I know there are two authors, but there were at least three written voice styles. The parts expounding research read like they were from a whole
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3.5 stars, but rounded up. The material in the book was really good, but it is very redundant, hence the mark down. Read this with my wife while she was pregnant and it was really good so we could discuss the baby and foresee the stresses on our relationship. It is great to focus on each other now that we have the baby, and to make sure we all get what we need. It does seem to cast fathers in a semi-negative light, like we don't know how to care for a baby or might not want to; not really overtl
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Some helpful research data but also mostly super obvious examples of how not to treat each other like shit once your baby is born.
It's not entirely this book's fault that it didn't really resonate with me. Maybe I expected too much. As a new mom of a 4 1/2 month old, I have certainly seen first-hand how life with a newborn can impact a marriage - even one that seemed like the most solid, can't-touch-this kind of marriage. My husband and I were surprised that it was easier for us to use tense words with each other, and to feel more frustrated in our relationship once our son arrived. Although things have MUCH improved now t
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"When we savor each other, our abies rest in the cradle of our contentment". -John Gottman
I thought this was a great book, that gives great tips on how to preserve intimacy and romance after baby comes. I also read John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and found a lot of the same information and tools in this book as he used in that book. I love Gottman's idea of Love Maps.
As with any Marriage book you take what you like and leave what you don't. There are some things in the ...more
I thought this was a great book, that gives great tips on how to preserve intimacy and romance after baby comes. I also read John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and found a lot of the same information and tools in this book as he used in that book. I love Gottman's idea of Love Maps.
As with any Marriage book you take what you like and leave what you don't. There are some things in the ...more
The book is great, and I am a big fan of Dr Gottman's work.. but GOD so much emotional correctness! I don't believe in all that sharing and talking about childhood and stuff! it can backfire.. AND seriously! if a couple can spend hours doing "exercises" to improve their relationship I suggest they better go out and have one!!! So annoying! so far Susan Page is my all time favorite author when it come sto relationship..
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If you have read any of the other Gottman books, such as Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child or any of his relationship books, you can pass on this one since it contains much of the same material.
Quotes:
It is very human to be much more forgiving of ourselves than our partners. Psychologist Fritz Heider called this “the fundamental attribution error.” Translated, it means that it’s human nature to think, “I’m OK; you’re defective,” and it leads to “I’m right; you’re wrong.”
...neither party in a dispute be able to persuade the other party they were right until they could state the opposition’s point of view to their satisfaction.
We need to be able to state our version of our partner’s poin ...more
It is very human to be much more forgiving of ourselves than our partners. Psychologist Fritz Heider called this “the fundamental attribution error.” Translated, it means that it’s human nature to think, “I’m OK; you’re defective,” and it leads to “I’m right; you’re wrong.”
...neither party in a dispute be able to persuade the other party they were right until they could state the opposition’s point of view to their satisfaction.
We need to be able to state our version of our partner’s poin ...more
I think that the best part of this book is how much it highlights the importance that dads have in raising children. It points out the typical differences between moms and dads when it comes to play and care of children.
I read this book in an audio format from the library. The book is full of lists of things that don't really translate well to an audio format. This may be one of those books that I will end up picking up so I can reference its pages.
Some of the difficult things from the book. New ...more
I read this book in an audio format from the library. The book is full of lists of things that don't really translate well to an audio format. This may be one of those books that I will end up picking up so I can reference its pages.
Some of the difficult things from the book. New ...more
I went really back and forth on this throughout the process of reading this. Overall, I think it's good and helpful, but there's a lot of dreck to skim past or wade through depending on your reading style.
The good: the work clearly and concisely summarizes the results of various studies that suggest properties of successful relationships that can withstand the stresses of early parent life, and is full of great exercises designed to help partners reconnect and thrive during one of life's hardest ...more
The good: the work clearly and concisely summarizes the results of various studies that suggest properties of successful relationships that can withstand the stresses of early parent life, and is full of great exercises designed to help partners reconnect and thrive during one of life's hardest ...more
Practical and positive, science-based (the science is described in their other books, this one is more practical). Exercises and discussion prompts in particular are great. Did not like all the introductory/fill-up text (mild sexism), but it should not make you shun all its good advice.
(Ok I can't resist a good rant about sexism and traditionalism. They are like 'I wanna be read by all kind of folks so I'm not going to be prescriptive when describing an unequal situation. I'll say each partner h ...more
(Ok I can't resist a good rant about sexism and traditionalism. They are like 'I wanna be read by all kind of folks so I'm not going to be prescriptive when describing an unequal situation. I'll say each partner h ...more
Let's just say it: if you've read one John Gottman book, you've read them all. I should have bypassed this in favor of a marriage-with-baby book by a different author, because this is basically just Gottman's 7 principles for making marriage work repackaged with more examples that include mention of a baby. There were also sections that just felt like "filler," such as the history of childbirth/fathers being in the room at birth, the long sections about baby's development, etc. It would have bee
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I was given this book when I was pregnant, but didn't get to it. When I did have my baby, I was exhausted and if I had any time to read, reading about having a baby was perhaps the last thing I wanted to do. Some of these self-help type books and parenting books are poorly written, redundant, and overuse exclamation points to the point of great annoyance. I actually thought this was pretty well written. I think having a new baby puts a strain on any relationship, no matter how strong. I found th
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This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it,
click here.
eh. I had high expectations for this book but rather than finding more practical advice about life specifically after having a baby, it was mostly just relationship advice that I’ve read in his other books specifically about relationships and marital satisfaction. If you have a great relationship, I don’t know how much this will apply to you.
I particularly didn’t enjoy the part where it said “great dads don’t have to be male,” and explained how if women learned how to play as well as dads then ...more
I particularly didn’t enjoy the part where it said “great dads don’t have to be male,” and explained how if women learned how to play as well as dads then ...more
Sooooooo cis-hetero-white normative, and old, outdated normative at that. The ONLY time other perspectives got shared was one sentence about communicating sexual desires: “Gay and lesbian couples and Latino couples talk about their sexual desires, and we can learn from them.” WE!!! THEM!! That’s it. That was the only acknowledgement that not-straight non-white people received, and then it was in an “us-them” dichotomy. For a book written in 2017 by folks in Seattle, I am very disappointed.
As for ...more
As for ...more
Have you recently had a baby, or are about to, and you want to be informed about how to make sure your relationship with your partner stays in great condition?
Then this book is for you!
John Gottman and his wife, combine years of scientific research into relationships and couples along with their own mistakes, oversights and experiences as young parents, into a easy to follow, and easy, yet necessary ways of behaving in your relationship now that a baby has hit the scene!
The dynamic of your relat ...more
Then this book is for you!
John Gottman and his wife, combine years of scientific research into relationships and couples along with their own mistakes, oversights and experiences as young parents, into a easy to follow, and easy, yet necessary ways of behaving in your relationship now that a baby has hit the scene!
The dynamic of your relat ...more
This book is a must-read for new[ish] parents (okay, ALL parents). I started reading this when I was pregnant and have most recently finished it as a new mama, and I found this book to be SO validating and enlightening! The Gottmans are obviously gods when it comes to couples, so throwing in their research and knowledge about couples and babies was biblical for me. Just like their other books they're not only introducing research and knowledge about what helps make things work in the relationshi
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This was a pretty good book - I think its less useful for people who have been married a while or already have good communications strategies in the relationship. I think it would have been more helpful if we had had our baby in the first few years we were married - the strategies they discuss are solid and well researched and I know people who would probably benefit from the book it just wasn't personally that useful.
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I liked this book as it opens your eyes on the importance of communication, common values, team work, sexual life and past heritage and how all come together and even surface when a baby comes. I really appreciate the exercises after each chapter and loved the most the practical advice.
It landed good with me as I read it when I was pregnant and took me away from baby books and anchored me also into the importance of the love and wellbeing of the couple that brings the baby to this world.
It landed good with me as I read it when I was pregnant and took me away from baby books and anchored me also into the importance of the love and wellbeing of the couple that brings the baby to this world.
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“Our gridlocked conflicts contain the potential for great intimacy between us. But we have to feel safe enough to pull our dreams out of the closet. When we wear them, our partner may glimpse how beautiful we are—fragile but shimmering. Then, with understanding, our partners may join us in being dream catchers, rather than dream shredders.”
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“Couples who have learned to dialogue about their perpetual issues ask just such questions. They ask, “Is there a story behind this for you, maybe some childhood history that makes this so crucial for you?” They want to uncover not just the topmost feelings, but the deeper layers as well.”
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