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And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives
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And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives

3.78  ·  Rating details ·  712 ratings  ·  113 reviews
Having a baby is a joyous experience, but even the best relationships are strained during the transition from duo to trio. Lack of sleep, never-ending housework, and new fiscal concerns often lead to conflict, disappointment, and hurt feelings. In And Baby Makes Three Love Lab(TM) experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman teach couples the skills from their successfu ...more
Hardcover, 272 pages
Published January 9th 2007 by Crown Publishing Group (NY) (first published 2007)
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3.78  · 
Rating details
 ·  712 ratings  ·  113 reviews

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Erika RS
May 25, 2014 rated it it was amazing
A baby puts stress on a relationship. How well a couple weathers that stress is important both for the health of that relationship and on the longer term happiness and well being of the baby. The affects are both direct and indirect: stress can lead directly to distress in everyone in the family, and it can also lead to eventual divorce and the negative consequences of that.

This book takes a practical and concrete approach to helping couples handle the changes that a new baby brings. Unlike much
Julia Murtha
Jun 20, 2013 rated it it was ok
This book came highly recommended from my early childhood teacher. The idea and concept of the book is excellent as most people experience difficulty in maintaining their relationship after bringing home a baby. The author does a great job of outlining basic ways to get and stay connected to your partner. The disappointing part of the book is that the author provided examples of partners that held very traditional roles-- father works and is hands off and mother is the main caregiver. Also, he a ...more
Heath Salzman
Dec 08, 2018 rated it it was amazing
Wow! This book has been so helpful. I wish I had read it when my wife was pregnant, but better late than never. The content covers so much helpful ground and gives practical steps for couples who are welcoming their first child. I had no idea what to expect and this book really helped to normalize the experience of being a first time parent, driving away shame and offering encouragement. As a pastor, I plan to use this with any first time parents in my congregation. All that said, like any good ...more
Lori Ben-ezra
May 05, 2014 rated it really liked it
If you've read other books by the Gottmans, then you've already read most of this book. It's basically reiterating their research and clinical theories, with a few extra chapters on how this applies to couples expecting their first child or new parents. There's great information presented in the book, just don't expect any new information if you're familiar with their work.
Jul 31, 2018 rated it liked it
Shelves: parenting
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
Aug 03, 2009 rated it really liked it
Shelves: marriage-family
"Small things often"- this is the advice the Gottmans give to couples to help their marital relationship survive and develop further after a new baby arrives. I especially appreciated their tips on making arguments/disagreements more respectful, tips like: give compliments, make light jokes, and listen to feelings during arguments. Restate your spouses' position before giving your own. Compromise, don't overgeneralize. This is real practical advice, and there's years of research behind what he's ...more
Michael De Paola
Nov 04, 2009 rated it liked it
Coming up on the halfway mark... some good ideas, but too much of a rehash of earlier books.

Early on this book starts out as a condemnation that if you're not always acting on the best behavior in front of your spouse during pregnancy that your children will have all sorts of development problems. The evidence is okay, but not completely damming. Either way though, real life gets in the way and it didn't seem to offer many solutions. The second half of this book was much better than the first. I
Feb 20, 2015 rated it really liked it
Brian and I took turns reading this out loud. It was slow-going, but worth the effort. If you've read other Gottman material, you'll definitely notice some repeated material. The exercises and discussion prompts were the most valuable aspects of the book, since we don't normally ponder matters such as the dreams behind our mundane wishes or how we hope to instill a family legacy. The book also encouraged good, frank discussion about our fears and sex and family history.
Liz De Coster
Basically the same as all his/their other books, and for the most part could be easily summarized in a blog post.
Joshua Marx
Sep 22, 2018 rated it really liked it
Shelves: non-fiction
3.5 stars, but rounded up. The material in the book was really good, but it is very redundant, hence the mark down. Read this with my wife while she was pregnant and it was really good so we could discuss the baby and foresee the stresses on our relationship. It is great to focus on each other now that we have the baby, and to make sure we all get what we need. It does seem to cast fathers in a semi-negative light, like we don't know how to care for a baby or might not want to; not really overtl ...more
Melissa Erb Burgess
May 17, 2018 rated it liked it
Some helpful research data but also mostly super obvious examples of how not to treat each other like shit once your baby is born.
Jan 06, 2009 rated it really liked it
"When we savor each other, our abies rest in the cradle of our contentment". -John Gottman

I thought this was a great book, that gives great tips on how to preserve intimacy and romance after baby comes. I also read John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and found a lot of the same information and tools in this book as he used in that book. I love Gottman's idea of Love Maps.

As with any Marriage book you take what you like and leave what you don't. There are some things in the
Sep 01, 2013 rated it liked it
The book is great, and I am a big fan of Dr Gottman's work.. but GOD so much emotional correctness! I don't believe in all that sharing and talking about childhood and stuff! it can backfire.. AND seriously! if a couple can spend hours doing "exercises" to improve their relationship I suggest they better go out and have one!!! So annoying! so far Susan Page is my all time favorite author when it come sto relationship..
Rob Cummings
Nov 24, 2012 rated it liked it
If you have read any of the other Gottman books, such as Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child or any of his relationship books, you can pass on this one since it contains much of the same material.
Sep 12, 2017 rated it really liked it
Shelves: nonfiction, marriage
It is very human to be much more forgiving of ourselves than our partners. Psychologist Fritz Heider called this “the fundamental attribution error.” Translated, it means that it’s human nature to think, “I’m OK; you’re defective,” and it leads to “I’m right; you’re wrong.”

...neither party in a dispute be able to persuade the other party they were right until they could state the opposition’s point of view to their satisfaction.

We need to be able to state our version of our partner’s poin
Jonathan Ehrich
Apr 17, 2019 rated it liked it
I went really back and forth on this throughout the process of reading this. Overall, I think it's good and helpful, but there's a lot of dreck to skim past or wade through depending on your reading style.

The good: the work clearly and concisely summarizes the results of various studies that suggest properties of successful relationships that can withstand the stresses of early parent life, and is full of great exercises designed to help partners reconnect and thrive during one of life's hardest
Maggie Athridge
This was a pretty good book - I think its less useful for people who have been married a while or already have good communications strategies in the relationship. I think it would have been more helpful if we had had our baby in the first few years we were married - the strategies they discuss are solid and well researched and I know people who would probably benefit from the book it just wasn't personally that useful.
Danielle W
Jul 31, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I would recommend this book to every couple expecting a child, or already having children. Honestly, very little of the book is about child rearing. The majority of the book is how to work together to be have the best marriage, because the being a great spouse naturally dominoes to being a better parent and raising healthy kids.

My #1 take away goal (as of 38 weeks pregnant!): to not compete with my husband for my child’s attention and love ❤❤❤
Feb 01, 2018 rated it really liked it
I liked this book as it opens your eyes on the importance of communication, common values, team work, sexual life and past heritage and how all come together and even surface when a baby comes. I really appreciate the exercises after each chapter and loved the most the practical advice.
It landed good with me as I read it when I was pregnant and took me away from baby books and anchored me also into the importance of the love and wellbeing of the couple that brings the baby to this world.
Dec 11, 2017 rated it it was amazing
Насправді в книзі аж два чи три розділи присвячені питанню дітей і їх впливу на стосунки пари. В цілому це дуже корисний інструмент, керівництво, назвіть як хочете, для роботи над собою, стосунками, своєю сім‘єю. Адже жили вони довго і щасливо тільки у казках, в реальному ж житті працювали над собою вони довго і щасливо :)
Рекомендую читати усім одруженим і не одруженим, з дітьми і без, для того, щоб зрозуміти фундамент, на якому будується щаслива сім’я, а не просто сусіди по квартирі.
Mar 24, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Excellent book for first time parents. Even better if you get to read it before you decide to have a baby.
Explains well how to handle conflict and how to maintain a good relationship with your partner in general and also with all the new challenges that come with a baby .
Of course it's focused on parents but I think any couple could improve a bit their relationship if they read this book.
Lance McNeill
Aug 07, 2018 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Good general marriage advice

There is great advice in here, no doubt, but I thought there would be a little more scenarios where newborns and young children were involved. There were some, but then the advice became more general. I still found the book very helpful. The ending also felt abrupt.
May 09, 2017 rated it liked it
While I find the conjoint therapy philosophy and suggestions relevant and helpful, the writing itself (with typos!) really weakened their credibility. Further, the exercises were the most valuable components; whereas, the example vignettes seemed insincere and contrived. Overall, the thesis proves valuable: the more satisfied the couple, the happier the baby.
Kylie Briggs
Dec 28, 2018 rated it liked it
Our childcare class at the hospital touted this as THE book to help you adjust to being new parents. But I found that it was more of a general relationship book with some mention of kids (effectively, your relationship will be fine after kids if it was fine before kids and you don’t let sleep deprivation turn you into a monster). Nothing wrong with it but not what I was expecting.
Oct 08, 2017 rated it really liked it
Good reference for couples dealing with the new stress of a baby.

I haven't read any other Gottman, but am familiar with his work, and I did wonder how much of the tips were just repetitive from general marriage wisdom he offers elsewhere? Definitely some stuff specific to baby, but other things (the four horseman) less so.
Feb 05, 2019 rated it really liked it
Can’t give it 5 because I didn’t read the whole thing. I loved the parts I read, but the majority of the book is spent on conflict resolution between partners, which I loved, it was just a lot to swallow all at once. So I’m going to keep this one on my bedside table and refer to it when I need to. The Gottmans are very helpful and I mostly loved the advice they gave.
Amy Etzel
None of the marital issues this book brings up are created by having children-- having children just exposes weaknesses that were already there. All of the instruction from this book should be learned BEFORE having kids--like how to work through conflict graciously, or have a viewpoint of "we, not me." These issues were not only discussed during our premarital class, they were addressed better.
Dec 01, 2017 rated it liked it
Shelves: babies, marriage
Three stars because I did "like it," but it didn't change my world or anything. I'll try some of the activities with my husband. I guess I wish it had been *more* about baby + marriage rather than marriage on its own.
I thought this book would be full of practical advice about challenges of adding a baby to their family, but it felt very self-help-y in terms of couples struggling in their relationships. Great if you're pregnant and relationship sucks.
Aug 11, 2017 rated it liked it
Good application of Gottman methods to the transition of parenthood. This is aimed at fairly traditional heterosexual couples, however, and I wish that the Gottmans would be more inclusive in their writings.
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John Mordecai Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. He is also an award-winning speaker, author, and a professor emeritus in psychology.
“Our gridlocked conflicts contain the potential for great intimacy between us. But we have to feel safe enough to pull our dreams out of the closet. When we wear them, our partner may glimpse how beautiful we are—fragile but shimmering. Then, with understanding, our partners may join us in being dream catchers, rather than dream shredders.” 2 likes
“The greatest gift a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship, because that relationship nourishes Baby’s development.” 2 likes
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