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The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
by
Learn how to detect the subtle "put-downs", insults and other verbal blows that almost everyone uses—parents and children, husbands and wives, teachers and students, and friends and lovers.
Most of us are under verbal attack everyday and often don't even realize it. In The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense you'll learn the skills you need to respond to all types of verbal a ...more
Most of us are under verbal attack everyday and often don't even realize it. In The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense you'll learn the skills you need to respond to all types of verbal a ...more
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Paperback, 311 pages
Published
January 1st 1985
by Dorset House Publishing Co Inc
(first published 1980)
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Doesn't work well when dealing with drunk people.
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"If you REALLY loved me, you would read my review!"
The The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence (GAOVSD) is more easy to read than the more recent (GAOVSD at work) opus. I should have begun by that one.
The octagon concept make very easy to understand the various verbal attack patterns. Some of them are very subtle, apparently caring ("Dear, everyone in this office know why you are so incompetent/emotive/...", pattern E), leaving the person confuse and angry. Despite the popular saying that words d ...more
The The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence (GAOVSD) is more easy to read than the more recent (GAOVSD at work) opus. I should have begun by that one.
The octagon concept make very easy to understand the various verbal attack patterns. Some of them are very subtle, apparently caring ("Dear, everyone in this office know why you are so incompetent/emotive/...", pattern E), leaving the person confuse and angry. Despite the popular saying that words d ...more
This is one of the most profoundly helpful books that I've ever read.
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense analyzes verbal attack patterns in English including paralinguistic and non-verbal aspects and provides ways in which they can be dealt with... gently. This isn't a handbook in how to overpower the verbally abusive, a practice which is undesirable in any event and can be harmful or even dangerous. It is a guide to misdirecting verbal attacks and resolving such situations.
This book can't hel ...more
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense analyzes verbal attack patterns in English including paralinguistic and non-verbal aspects and provides ways in which they can be dealt with... gently. This isn't a handbook in how to overpower the verbally abusive, a practice which is undesirable in any event and can be harmful or even dangerous. It is a guide to misdirecting verbal attacks and resolving such situations.
This book can't hel ...more
A thinly-veiled work of misandry that promotes passive-aggressive responses to passive-aggressive approaches.
The author's contempt for men aside, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense is not about gently defending verbal attacks - it is about offensively 'countering' someone so you end up 'winning' the battle. I tried reading through a hundred pages but found myself shaking my head at all the responses Elgin formulated.
These are all fine and dandy in theory, but in the real world these types o ...more
The author's contempt for men aside, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense is not about gently defending verbal attacks - it is about offensively 'countering' someone so you end up 'winning' the battle. I tried reading through a hundred pages but found myself shaking my head at all the responses Elgin formulated.
These are all fine and dandy in theory, but in the real world these types o ...more
Ok, this book hasn't aged entirely gracefully. Some of the "patterns of verbal attack" here seem much more blatant and much less subtle than what I, at least, encounter in situations of conflict. And some of the defense patterns seem overly clever and more likely to trigger further conflict than to defuse it. Nonetheless, it provides some useful categories to analyze common strategies of verbal aggression. I also thought the section on "charisma" and how to speak compellingly was an excellent sh
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I should reread this. It helps you respond to the kinds subtle verbal manipulation that make us all crazy. My mom got it for me when I was like 11. It unfortunately does not have very good comebacks for "You're gay, gaywad!"
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Ever had a difficult co-worker who turned every conversation into a verbal sparring match? Or, what about a family member who always seems to put you on the defensive? If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you just didn't know how to handle what you just encountered, this book is for you.
Though written more than 30 years ago (and containing a few antiquated notions), this book is nonetheless relevant for today's business world and cultural milieu. Broken down into managea ...more
Though written more than 30 years ago (and containing a few antiquated notions), this book is nonetheless relevant for today's business world and cultural milieu. Broken down into managea ...more
I first read this book in 1984 during a particular tumultuous time in my life. My Javanese cultural upbringing restrained me from active conflict, so I often allowed myself to be bullied verbally. I found identifying the different modes of communications useful. I've recently (2008) rediscovered this book and wished I'd had it at hand (or internalized more fully its precepts).
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Very useful for communications with a verbal abuser.
I gave up after about 20 pages because I realized:
a) None of this would have worked on my psychotic ex
b) I couldn't wait for this book to be done.
Now, granted, most people reading this are not worried about how to deal with psychopaths but with everyday people with garden-variety type mental problems. However, this is not me. I want to know how to deal with psychopaths. If there is a psychopath edition of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence then I'll check it out more than 20 pages. But until ...more
a) None of this would have worked on my psychotic ex
b) I couldn't wait for this book to be done.
Now, granted, most people reading this are not worried about how to deal with psychopaths but with everyday people with garden-variety type mental problems. However, this is not me. I want to know how to deal with psychopaths. If there is a psychopath edition of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence then I'll check it out more than 20 pages. But until ...more
Right now, I wish there had been some outlines or summaries at the end of the book to be able to go back to it and review these 8 specific 'verbal attacks', in time. I'll have to make them myself to help retaining and recognizing. I sound lazy of course, but after getting through the other half of the book, about body language and all, I just want to put this book away for a while. Not that after finishing the 'attacks' the book ceases to be useful/interesting, the concepts of computer-mode body
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So I finally got around to reading this book, and it's no better than her work one. As yes, the academic ability to repackage the same material without adding anything to it.
I'm not entirely sure these strategies work, since most of the responses seem to be relatively passive aggressive. And she's so incredibly sexist, though I can't figure out if that's a generational thing. Sorry, I'm too annoyed to do a proper review. ...more
I'm not entirely sure these strategies work, since most of the responses seem to be relatively passive aggressive. And she's so incredibly sexist, though I can't figure out if that's a generational thing. Sorry, I'm too annoyed to do a proper review. ...more
The different categories of how individuals respond in conflict was interesting, but only a small section of the book. The rest of the language felt outdated and I did not find the content useful in today's perspective.
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Skimmed a fair amount of it, but I like it. Decent analysis of communication tactics, verbal bullying, and some discussion of nonverbal communication.
Plus, it has the word "gentle" in the title! ...more
Plus, it has the word "gentle" in the title! ...more
Elgin is one of my favorite authors -- except for this book and its siblings. What she's saying is great. I just can't stand workbooks. I want to study a subject my own way.
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It's not very useful and is too "gentle" to the point you'll sound like a manipulator with no backbone if you follow the advice. Mildly entertaining read.
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Psycho/neuro-linguistic/self-helpy kind of mix.
Core concept of the book is: communication is a feedback loop. If you want to feel good, you treat others well, it will reflect back onto you. Most of the book then gives specific advice on how EXACTLY to communicate in a respecting, constructive and "feel-goody" way: applying "Miller's Law", "syntonic listening", using factives, how to give compliments (and feedback), how to construct metaphors...
There was a lot of space in the book dedicated to mo ...more
Core concept of the book is: communication is a feedback loop. If you want to feel good, you treat others well, it will reflect back onto you. Most of the book then gives specific advice on how EXACTLY to communicate in a respecting, constructive and "feel-goody" way: applying "Miller's Law", "syntonic listening", using factives, how to give compliments (and feedback), how to construct metaphors...
There was a lot of space in the book dedicated to mo ...more
Interesting read! There’s some practical techniques one can use in ‘verbal self defence’ that I never thought about in that way before (even though I might have already been doing unconsciously!).
In particular I found the underlying psychological rationale for why some people respond the way they do really interesting (ie. identifying the underlying presuppositions, their choice of words, the stress that’s placed, remaining silent vs reacting, etc.)
However I did find some of the perceptions a ...more
In particular I found the underlying psychological rationale for why some people respond the way they do really interesting (ie. identifying the underlying presuppositions, their choice of words, the stress that’s placed, remaining silent vs reacting, etc.)
However I did find some of the perceptions a ...more
I got through this book slowly over a few weeks as a sort of "I'm waiting on my tea to boil" kind of read. At the time of publishing (1980) this book referred to current science and concepts, and cultural norms, which aren't particularly relevant to the world of today. Additionally, I think this book really just explains what is innately known to many of us instinctively (e.g. the Satir modes). While useful to those who may not consciously understand the instinctive cues (such as responding in a
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This was a grind to read. The most wheedling, whiny, aghhhh accusations and spiked questions... and how to respond.
Moral: General education in rhetoric has disappeared. Everything old is new again. People go for the bait rather than attacking the presupositions in a sugar-coated accusation. You're a sucker and you can do better.
Having read this, I'm interested to explore some proper rhetoric texts, not just rebranded pop psych. ...more
Moral: General education in rhetoric has disappeared. Everything old is new again. People go for the bait rather than attacking the presupositions in a sugar-coated accusation. You're a sucker and you can do better.
Having read this, I'm interested to explore some proper rhetoric texts, not just rebranded pop psych. ...more
These days the book would be called "Recognizing and combating microaggressions and verbal abuse" and it might be a bestseller. While some of the dialogues and terminology is dated, I found it tremendously helpful. If you are a woman...or a person of color...or anybody who feels sometimes attacked by those around you...read this.
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I bought this book years ago and I don't think I ever finished it. Now that I did finally read through the whole book, I didn't really get a lot out of it. Sorry it's just not for me. I did toastmasters for awhile and got more out of doing public speaking from that than from this book. The beginning was kind of interesting but was hard for me to finish it.
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I bought this book a long time ago and I wish I had gotten around to reading it sooner. Very valuable information and technique on how to defend yourself in what can be a brutal verbal world. If we all followed these suggestions we would have a much more civil society and much less verbal abuse. I intend to keep it handy for reference.
A bit difficult to follow and read, requiring review and thinking over points. Other than that, this book has great concepts. It spells out the sentence structure of verbal abuse, in order to recognize the abuse. This book gives good tools for that recognition.
Good way to learn the basics of recognizing types of speech. The "replies" are somewhat unrealistic though, I can't find one situation where I would respond that way and not end up in a deeper hole. And yes, this book is kinda sexist.
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One of my favorites. Although it gives one the ability to recognize covert verbal abuse it is a double edged sword since it also increase one's awareness.
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An old book with challenges to new style of dealing situations but well defined and very useful.
I really enjoy Suzette Haden Elgin's work. She has found a way to make linguistics alive and relevant. In this book, she uses an analogy to martial arts (self-defense) to show how to defend yourself when you are under verbal attack. The analogy extends - someone who trains in the art is much less likely to be verbally 'violent' out in the world. Elgin goes through a series of steps, and a set of fallback verbal behaviours that people revert to under stress. Taking a linguistic, as opposed to a p
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This book felt like one of these workshops your employer requires you to attend on a Saturday.
While the book is well-intentioned, the examples were blatant, obvious, and repetitive. The advice doesn't work well with the fluidity of actual speech. Instead, it uses rote phrases, which is fine if people spoke only in the same standard phrases, but there isn't much flexibility and therefor the book lacks practicality.
Some of the research is also quite dated. There's a bit on matching speech patter ...more
While the book is well-intentioned, the examples were blatant, obvious, and repetitive. The advice doesn't work well with the fluidity of actual speech. Instead, it uses rote phrases, which is fine if people spoke only in the same standard phrases, but there isn't much flexibility and therefor the book lacks practicality.
Some of the research is also quite dated. There's a bit on matching speech patter ...more
In fairness I really skimmed this book. It was recommended to me as useful for people considering cohousing situations to read through this to be better prepared to defend themselves. And the book really likes to draw comparison between martial arts and verbal sparring. I guess I'm just lucky because I feel like I don't have many situations in my life where I have to deal with verbal attacks and abuse. I was hoping for a book that discussed how to productively work through problems, as opposed t
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Suzette Haden Elgin was an American science fiction author. She founded the Science Fiction Poetry Association, and is considered an important figure in the field of science fiction constructed languages. Elgin was also a linguist; she published non-fiction, of which the best-known is the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense series.
Born in 1936 in Missouri, Elgin attended the University of California ...more
Born in 1936 in Missouri, Elgin attended the University of California ...more
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