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Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
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Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

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4.15  ·  Rating details ·  1,905 ratings  ·  163 reviews
"What the heck is my partner thinking?" is a common refrain in romantic relationships, and with good reason. Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurological ...more
Paperback, 200 pages
Published January 2nd 2012 by New Harbinger Publications (first published January 1st 2012)
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Average rating 4.15  · 
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 ·  1,905 ratings  ·  163 reviews


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Start your review of Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
lov2laf
I think this is possibly the best relationship book I've read. It's not esoteric, not rah-rah, not religious, not condemning and not bullshit.

Stan Tatkin espouses the notion that the "Couple Bubble" is the best strategy for two people in a relationship. He then defines ten principles couples can put into play to achieve it. He writes as if he's having a personal conversation with us readers but brings along studies and evidence so we realize that there is actual data backing up the common sense
...more
Lisa Butterworth
Aug 28, 2017 rated it really liked it
Shelves: brain-books
I think if I didn't work with so many abused women I would love this book. it's a great book for couples who don't have elements of control or abuse in their relationship. so many good ideas that I want to try on my own relationship.

however, this book should contain some major disclaimers and assumes a lot of differentiation, doesn't deal nearly enough with how to detect that the cost and benifits of attachment is equally shared, and doesn't address the fact that most emotional labor is already
...more
Andrew Franklin
Mar 05, 2012 rated it it was amazing
How I wish I had a resource like this years ago when I was struggling with my marriage. I've read a number of relationship tune-up books throughout the years, and each helped somewhat. It was very encouraging to see those same familiar authors (Hendrix, Gottman, Perel, etc.) offering praise for Dr. Tatkins work at the get go. And the fact that he's put so much good information into a book that is less than 200 pages is a testament to his organized approach, which was friendly, playful, and effec ...more
Neeuqdrazil
There was some very interesting stuff in here, but it focused on the couple to the exclusion of all else - really pushed the 'your partner should fulfill all of your needs' model of relationships.

But the discussion of attachment styles, and how different attachment styles relate to each other was useful, and it has given me some potentially useful tools for use in my own relationships.
Julene
May 25, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: psychology
Loved this book. Real good information about attachement and how it works in a relationship. Clear and good examples and metaphors to understand and translate useful information. I just recommended it to a friend getting married to help build a secure relationship that will last. Everyone getting married should read this book first. (even though I hate shoulds!)
Brandon Smith
Mar 09, 2017 rated it it was amazing
Wired for Love uses neuroscience, psychology, attachment theory, and anecdotes to demonstrate that any couple can be happy and find fulfillment in one another if they take the right steps, allow themselves to be vulnerable, and invest the effort.

One of the premises is that when couples have problems they tend to gravitate towards theories that focus on self, which tend to be destructive to the relationship, instead of focusing on theories about the relationship itself which have consistently sh
...more
Kirsten
Dec 08, 2013 rated it liked it
I read this book because my and my ex's couple's therapist recommended it. I wanted to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again. This book is easy to read and pretty interesting, which is good for me, because generally I don't like reading non-fiction. It divides people up into Anchors, Islands, and Waves, depending on their personality and how they act in relationships. I found that according to this book, I am definitely an island, and I should date other islands, or anchors. Anchors are ...more
Donna
Mar 06, 2020 rated it really liked it
Shelves: non-fiction
This is Nonfiction-Relationship Psychology. I liked this one especially how the author kept this topic reigned in....without stretching into wordy tangents. The focus on making your significant other a priority is a message that I appreciated the most. I liked the idea of the 'couple bubble' because it made sense to me. I also liked the way the author described personalities as an island, a wave or an anchor because that also made total sense. So 4 stars for this.
Brian
Mar 18, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Love and connection is essential to our health and wellbeing
throughout our life. Couples, despite their best intention, often
fail to preserve the bonds of support, safety and connectedness that
we all desire and need to survive and thrive in a difficult world. In
this book Stan Tatkin offers individuals and couples a lens through
which to view relationships that is very much needed in lay and
professional circles. Often well meaning self help books, counselors,
healing professionals and friends encou
...more
Jeremy Preacher
Jan 11, 2019 rated it it was ok
If you've never been to therapy, know nothing about attachment styles, and are in a rocky but not abusive relationship, it's possible that the very basic, oversimplified ideas here will give you a start. Yes, attachment theory is a real thing. No, it doesn't really work as described here. Yes, trying to communicate with your partner when your fight-or-flight reflexes are activated will go badly. No, this book does not give you any tools for getting out of that state or any scripts for actually d ...more
Lisa
Aug 29, 2016 rated it it was amazing
I've loved attachment theory for a long time, but I've yet to find (until NOW) a book that really explains it in a great way. Sue Johnson is the best trainer for therapists, but I don't particularly like her books for the layperson. And a lot of the books tend to be critical of one or more of the attachment styles. And all of them use the terms "insecurely" attached or "avoidantly" attached - and let's face it, who wants to CLAIM those labels?? They're pejorative and make me seem flawed! I just ...more
*Ritzrenee*
Mar 26, 2018 rated it really liked it
Relationship is supposed to add value to a person's life.
I had to read this for self improvement

Knowing the title, it actually does means something when a person takes up this book. That is to improve on oneself and be prepared for unexpected situations. Or... something happened which is why a person sought books like this. I'm guilty as charged.

What I learn apart from those which I practised are:
1. Be the manager of your partner (Know what he/she likes or dislikes as well as their weak side)
2.
...more
Joanna Cabot
Good information, somewhat pedantic writing style. In the early chapters, the author identifies some jargon which is part of his argument, the he keeps repeating in. I got tired of repeatedly hearing sentences like 'this is your primitive at work' or 'you need to engage with your ambassadors.' Just get to the info!

I did think some of his relationship 'rules' were useful, but really, what his argument boils down to is keep yourself calm, learn to keep your partner calm, and you'll be fine. I felt
...more
Lexy
Mar 08, 2017 rated it it was amazing
This book is life changing! If you were underparented and struggle in romantic relationships, this book is for you. I'd always heard about the concept of "fighting well" in relationships but never understood what this actually meant. This book provides real world examples and exercises to try with your partner. This book is like a bible for those of us who grew up with less than stellar parents and toxic familial relationships.
Janet
Jan 10, 2016 rated it really liked it
Love the concept of the couple bubble.
Dave Wheitner
Nov 28, 2012 rated it really liked it
I found the first several chapters to contain useful information, categorized in a way that made sense to me, and including what seem to be some good suggestions for increasing understanding about self and partner. I think the book's worth a read just for the earlier stuff on the primitive vs. more peace-making or "ambassador" parts of the brain, and how they can impact emotionally charged discussion, as well as simplified ways of thinking about attachment styles (anchor/ island/ wave) and recog ...more
Vanessa
Sep 01, 2014 rated it really liked it
Shelves: couples-reading
How validating and optimistic! Really practical do-able tips to create safety in an uncertain world...I love how hopeful this book is about relationships. I think the avoidant attachment style people might recoil at some of the suggestions in this book, and hope they can find ways to make it work and build a sense of security without threatening their need for independence. As someone with some anxious tendencies, I appreciated the emphasis on being sensitive to your partner's needs and creating ...more
Julie
Mar 20, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Stan has a gift for taking the complexity of human relationships and presenting them in an understandable, and compassionate, read. He introduces us to our own, inner workings, helping us to create a relationship with our own brain, and that of our partners.
Pertinent and invaluable to those who desire a safe and secure relationship, Stan develops with the reader a relationship that is akin to what he teaches.
Packed with information, beautifully organized, and delivered with humor and a kind ton
...more
James Rapson
Mar 26, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Wired for Love is simply the best relationship book to come out in many years. Dr. Tatkin's approach brilliantly accomplishes what the field of psychology has been working toward since Freud: a method that anyone can learn that will transform flat or conflictual relationships into the intimacy and passion we all desire.

- James Rapson, co-author Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice
Shirley Impellizzeri
Dec 18, 2011 rated it it was amazing
This book is a must read! Everyone needs this information and will absolutely benefit from it. You will be able to let go of most things you take personally in your relationship by getting to know your partner from this perspective. This book will change the way you see your partner and how you are in your relationship. It is brilliant!
Lisa P.
Dec 10, 2012 rated it it was amazing
This is the BEST book I have read on relationships. If you are in one, hope to be in one someday, or wondering why one ended this book holds the answers on how to better understand yourself and a partner. Great advice on creating the love and security we all seek in our primary relationship.
I would give this book as a wedding gift going forward!
Gemma Cribb
Jan 12, 2013 rated it it was amazing
Absolutely fascinating. Stan filters down complex neuropsychological phenomena into easy to digest concepts. If you have ever wondered why you have the interpersonal tendencies you have (and persist in having even though you consciously know that they may not be serving you well in some situations) then read this book.
Tammie
Aug 24, 2012 rated it it was amazing
Understanding individual attachment styles is critical to deep, trusting relationships. Provides insight into why people do what they do.
Rose Purple
May 22, 2013 rated it liked it
I learned a few things here and there.
Sandy Plants
THIS fuckin book! FUCK! This book FUCKIN RIPS! WOOOOOOOOP! HOOOOODY HOO FUCK YA!!!

I thought that would be a fitting review for a book about attachment theory and connection with a partner. Honestly, this book is a game changer and I judged the shit out of Stan Tatkin and this book going into it. I gained so much insight from this. It lays out how to support, understand, and communicate with a partner in very tangible ways. My favourite thing I got out of this book was "my partner's sense of safe
...more
Sienna
Nov 02, 2018 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommended to Sienna by: Dana Fox
Any book that makes me question my assumptions is an instant favorite. Some of the perspective shifting that Stan suggests made my alarms go off but as I kept listening I began to understand that what he was saying was just new to me. Not new in pieces, but a new way of gathering the whole. I bristled at the idea of focusing on making your partner happy, but I can see that when you come to a partnership as two solid, flawed, open individuals, we come first. He doesn't need to expand on the self- ...more
Castles
Feb 26, 2019 rated it really liked it
A very good book and a step further in my recent interest in adult attachment theories.

I liked how he describes conflicts of partners and how some of them can resolve them. Some of those solutions got me even tearful, with an “a-ha” moments of “yes! That’s how it should be done”.

Very recommended for any couple in a relationship or even singles who try to figure themselves out.
Risa Miller
didn’t feel like giving this book a rating bc it’s different than reading for fun. But honestly it’s very helpful for relationship guidance lol I recommend to anyone unsure about their relationship or who has conflict!! makes things straight and clear
Derek Hoeksema
Jun 19, 2019 rated it really liked it
I could listen to this narrator say COUPLEBUBBLE for a millennia.
Elizabeth Hurkes
So stressful.
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Therapist Book Club: General Discussion 1 5 Feb 03, 2020 06:30AM  
Therapist Book Club: February Book Announcement 1 10 Feb 03, 2020 06:23AM  

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Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychothe ...more

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It’s time to turn your attention to something dark and twisty, to a story (or two or three) so engaging, the pages just fly by. In short, it’s...
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“Devote yourself to your partner's sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.” 9 likes
“When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, “I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.” 8 likes
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