My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship

by Martin Kantor

Find and keep Mr. Right.
Most single gay men wish they were in a relationship but don't recognize that they have set up obstacles to a happy, long-lasting connection. My Guy offers a step-by-step approach that any gay man can use to take charge of his life, master his flaws through self-awareness and dedicate himself to creating a great relationship for himself and his lover.
Dr. Martin Kantor, a psychiatrist who specializes in gay relationships, shows readers the benefits of lasting relationships, and then tells them how o Find Mr. Right and avoid Mr. Wrong o develop a strong, resilient relationship o never give up on love

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, LGBT, Relationships

240 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2002

Reviews

[Douglas Elliott]

This book is very geared towards getting and keeping a monogomous relationship and helps Gay men understand what may be getting in the way. It is not too simple although has some basic things. I agree with the what things the author feels are commonly accepted in the gay community but is crap (such as open relationships are many times OK and it is OK to drink too much) and what things to take to heart (get your ass to the gym). He also touched on common psychological problems associated with being gay and raised in a judgemental/religous family and how to deal with those issues. I found it to be just what I needed, after I started to wonder if there is something wrong with me after it has been over 3 years since my only serious and successful relationship ended. There are some areas where I feel that psychologists tend to be off-balance, but the author gave a balanced approach. For example, he did not coddle people saying that is OK to be alone as long as you don't feel lonely -- he said it how it is, you probably are lonely and this is why and what you do about it. We will see how things go after I employe the lessons learned in the book.

[Alex Noya]

I am long overdue with doing a review for this book. And this is because I am now, at 32, in a 5+ years relationship with an amazing guy. I am not sure I would have met (let alone date) him without reading this book. My Guy includes a 9-step approach to finding your Mr. Wonderful by starting from three core messages: a) take the responsibility for your life and relationship, b) do the necessary work for individual mastery through self-awareness and c) approach the relationship with seriosity and dedication to make it work. Dr. Kantor's guide is very down-to-earth, practical and pragmatical. His writing style is funny, accesible and in the same time dead serious when it comes to discuss the important stuff. His arguments are clear, very well explained and concrete.
His perspective may sometimes appear as counter-intuitive, such as when he gets to the importance of looks in finding your guy: "Some men are cute - and that's about it ... if you pick a man for his looks and not his personality - and the relationship lasts - you run the risk that sooner or later you could be stuck with an ugly, miserable man" (pg. 34). Or the importance of sex in a relationship: "One of my major premises is that too many gay men who are looking for a committed relationship put sex first and the relationship second when it should be just the other way around. They say they are looking for a husband, but they act like they are looking for a harem and completely fail to recognize that different attitudes and methods apply to each case." (pg. xi), "Sex is only one part of life. It certainly isn't more important than other people's feelings, including your own. I believe that sooner gay men stop denying this, the sooner they will be at peace with themselves and be able to get exactly what they want and deserve" (pg. 17).
And yes, it is true, most people do not meet their partners mainly because of how they view the world and gay relationship in particular. It is so important for gay men to build the essential competences necessary for finding a partner and develop excellent relational tactics and strategies.
This book, along with its companion Together Forever are the most important books in my library. I can't recommend them enough, especially for young gay people looking for a lasting relationship.

[Zweegas]

Oh dear. If I weren't reading this book for an article in a gay magazine, I would be embarrassed to have read it.

In this book, there are 9 steps:
1. Choose relationships and love.
2. Do a reality check.
3. Avoid Mr. Wrong.
4. Pick Mr. Right.
5. Where to go find him.
6. Look great for Mr. Wonderful.
7. Be great for Mr. Wonderful.
8. Worm your way into his heart.
9. Overcome obstacles.

The book doesn't fully live up to the chapter titles. I like the idea of gay elders teaching the younger generation, but the premise is that getting married is the most important thing possible in life and that you should make yourself as bland and non-confrontational as possible so as to attract a man. Plus, this gay elder uses lots of out-dated slang (dish? sister?) and metaphors that are confusing and don't make sense. There is good advice, but that's because lots of it is of the general "don't get depressed and give up" variety. Some of the advice is contradictory, like The Bible, so on lots of topics you can just pick which piece of advice you want, and I'm all for that.

Of course, I'm sure that once I get married I'll love this book and think it's the greatest ever.

[Jonathan Solomon]

I really enjoyed this book. Not only did it provide a lot of self-improvement tips but Martin Kantor's language style is rich with humour and insight. A positive and affirming book that offers hope to those looking for Mr Right.