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Family: The Compact Among Generations
Why do some families thrive for generations? What accounts for the sad deterioration that others experience? This book takes families and the professionals who serve them beyond the now widely accepted practices offered in Family Wealth and offers a view of Hughes's panoramic insights into what makes families flourish and fail. It lays out the basis for the vision of family governance the author has been developing through his work and research. His advice addresses not only what to do but how to think about the complex issues of family governance, growth, and stability and the ongoing challenge of nurturing the happiness of each family member.
- GenresFamilyPersonal Finance
352 pages, Hardcover
First published August 1, 2007
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December 29, 2016
""Blue collar to blue collar in three generations." No proverb as culturally universal and ancient as this one can truly be overcome. But can its fulfillment be delayed?"
The book starts off so strong! But it is extremely repetitive. Disorganized kind of. Like the way an emotional person would write as opposed to a rational person. And I think he is wrong. Not about everything. But his most important job is helping a family stay together, and he has terrible theories about how to do that.
The story goes like this: An ambitious middle class man becomes a great creator and creates great wealth and starts a family dynasty. His children try not to mess it up, but mostly they are lazy and/or uncreative. The fortune is no longer growing, rather, it stagnates. The grandchildren are worse than the children, even less creative, and sometimes despots, now the fortune decreases. By the time the great grandkids are grown, there is no fortune. The dynasty is over and the family is back to blue collar work.
I have been coming up with theories about how families can fight the proverb since I began working for parents who were dealing with this issue. For a long time my answer has been: Your children are headed toward the mean because you are not raising them – middle class nannies and teachers are. Want them to have your values, habits, and skills? You need to be the one who raises them.
But recently I have come to a second realization. In some ways, it only appears that their children are "not great" like they are. And it only appears that they are all that great. Because most of the time it takes three generations to make the "great creator." The pioneers struggle for survival and succeed. Their children inherit a working farm/business/way to create value and a successful family culture. They continue building the family business, but they can't quite break through to the big leagues. Their children grow up watching them struggle to make it into the big leagues. Their children focus on how to solve that problem from a young age. When it's their turn to run the family farm/business/career, they become outliers with huge fortunes that biographies are written about. These grandkids should be revered for their success of course, but most of the time, their childhoods are not given enough credit. Their parents and their grandparents, keeping their shit together despite the rigors of pioneering in a new field, are not given enough credit. They don't become part of the family myth. Whether it's Stephen "Wonderboy" Thompson or Beyonce or Gwenyth Paltrow, the outlier becomes this heroic individual who did it with help from his parents, sure, but not to the extent that anyone imagines.
***You may not understand what I mean when I say "pioneer" unless you have read this post: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2015/0.... You may not understand what I mean when I say "maiden" or "squire" unless you have read this post: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2016/0...***
More importantly, it only appears that the children of these so-called great outliers are not that great. A child of an outlier, say, Beyonce's kids for example, has a choice when it comes to work: Don't work and live off the family money, try to outdo her mother, or do her own thing. Family systems experts recommend to heirs that they do their own thing. And then everyone needs to have compassion for what career-failures the kids so often are.
Most of the time, families return to pioneering before the third generation is even reached. The second-generation (wealthy, but not to the level that biographies will be written about him) doesn't raise his children. He sends them to school where they end up at twenty-two starting as a pioneer in something else. (Or even starting as a pioneer in the very business that they could have had 10k hours in already if his parents had raised him differently.)
These pioneering children of outliers and successful people will most likely never be that successful. The pioneering children of "great creators" are not the "losers" that their parents and society imagines them to be. They are the pioneering generation of a new thing. They will struggle just to survive in their career of choice in ways that their parents cannot possibly understand since the struggle to survive in a new field isn't part of their life experience. A second-generation success cannot fathom what it is like to arrive in the wilderness and learn an entire ecosystem. This is another reason why so many children of successful people choose to be pioneers – because the successful parents advising the children have no idea how hard it is. As a rule, the successful people were not pioneers.
So what does this mean for you and your family? Or me and mine? I think it would be helpful for families to place themselves: Are you a pioneer, pioneering in a new line of work that you did not learn from your parents as a kid? Are you second generation, successful and perhaps even very wealthy but not to the level that biographies will be written about you? Are you third generation, the outlier that most likely your child cannot top?
If you are a pioneer, you will most likely think your career is a dead end. You will have different dreams for your kid. College will fix it! This is the mistake. I met a guy the other day that owns thirty-two convenience stores. He makes a great living, but no one will write biographies about him. And how on earth did the child of a single mother, an immigrant who worked a minimum wage job, come to own thirty-two convenience stores? Well, his worked at a 7-11. She couldn't afford daycare and didn't know anyone, so he spent hours there with her every day. He knew how to run the place by the time he was twelve. Started working there himself when he was fourteen. Didn't go to college. Saved up and bought his first 7-11 when he was twenty-five. Killed it. Says most people who run 7-11's don't understand how to run them.
The lesson: If you are a struggling pioneer don't assume your child will struggle as hard as you. You paved the way. Your child has been paying attention. Invite your child to your life. He will do it better. Don't assume your career is a dead end or you life isn't a worthy one to invite your child to join.
If you are second generation, your weakness will be having no idea how hard it is to be a pioneer. Picture your parents and how successful they are. If you sentence your child to the life of a pioneer, that will likely be his level of success, not yours. Don't assume your kid wants to do his own thing if he knows the true choice. Don't send him down the pioneer track by sending him to a "good school" and being able to afford after school activities or a wife at home that prevents him from hanging out with you at the office all day. Your mistake will be one of ignorance, not appreciating what your parents did that you were able to build on. Be clear with your kids: You can be a pioneer, but you most likely will not find the level of success I have found. If you want to start studying the family business now (at seven years old) you have a chance at becoming an outlier. You get to decide based on your values, but be clear about what the real choice is. Hard work is not all it takes to reach your level of success.
If you are adult second-gen who just realized how hard it is going to be to be a pioneer, but its too late to spend your childhood learning the family business, consider accepting your pioneer status and focusing on your children: They can be second generation in whatever field you are pioneering, or, if you raise them at Grandpa's office, they can take your place as the outlying, third generation.
If you are third generation, and people are writing biographies about you, you are in the riskiest spot. If you have made outlying success, you will most likely struggle the most at parenting because your success keeps you stuck in the maiden/squire phase of life and because your children will grow up in your shadow. You could try to lessen the shadow, toning it down at work. This would happen naturally if you let go of your maiden/squire phase. If your focus becomes your child, and you bring your child to life with you. What happens? You can't do as much. You have to slow down. If you are Beyonce you do maybe three shows a year, and you prepare for them for months – they take a lot longer to prepare for because your five-year-old is there wanting to learn the dance routine too. You don't make quite as much money because your time is being poured into your child. But in the end, it's wonderful, because you are not a maiden trying to attract the attention of the highest status mate you can anymore. You are a mother now, trying to raise a child who can attract the highest quality mate. You can't buy a good mate for your kid. You can only focus on your child, helping her to become the best potential mate she can be.
Anyway, that's how I can see a third generation successful family working with the child in the same career as the parents.
If your fourth generation child isn't going to follow your career, perhaps he can pick something you exposed him to, so he will have a better chance of not being a total pioneer. For example Brad Pitt's kids could consider architecture or directing or working for the UN. In this way maybe they can pull off (almost) second-generation status. Should they choose chemistry, they will be pioneers. It's fine to choose chemistry, but they should be made aware of the reality of the choice they are making.
Another strategy for a third generation parent is to have the child pick something when he is young. In this way, both child and parent have ten to twenty years to learn about that field, giving the child second-generation status. The danger is that the parent will underestimate the level of involvement needed on his part, thinking that that $150/hr tutor was enough. The tutor is not enough. Every line of work is its own world, it's own ecosystem. If you own a soap business, you can buy your child acting lessons from the best teachers in the world, but if you don't take the time to meet people in that world, and develop relationships with them, your child will end up a pioneer.
Anyway, not saying there are not exceptions or that this is The One True Rule. It's just a trend that I have noticed.
The book starts off so strong! But it is extremely repetitive. Disorganized kind of. Like the way an emotional person would write as opposed to a rational person. And I think he is wrong. Not about everything. But his most important job is helping a family stay together, and he has terrible theories about how to do that.
The story goes like this: An ambitious middle class man becomes a great creator and creates great wealth and starts a family dynasty. His children try not to mess it up, but mostly they are lazy and/or uncreative. The fortune is no longer growing, rather, it stagnates. The grandchildren are worse than the children, even less creative, and sometimes despots, now the fortune decreases. By the time the great grandkids are grown, there is no fortune. The dynasty is over and the family is back to blue collar work.
I have been coming up with theories about how families can fight the proverb since I began working for parents who were dealing with this issue. For a long time my answer has been: Your children are headed toward the mean because you are not raising them – middle class nannies and teachers are. Want them to have your values, habits, and skills? You need to be the one who raises them.
But recently I have come to a second realization. In some ways, it only appears that their children are "not great" like they are. And it only appears that they are all that great. Because most of the time it takes three generations to make the "great creator." The pioneers struggle for survival and succeed. Their children inherit a working farm/business/way to create value and a successful family culture. They continue building the family business, but they can't quite break through to the big leagues. Their children grow up watching them struggle to make it into the big leagues. Their children focus on how to solve that problem from a young age. When it's their turn to run the family farm/business/career, they become outliers with huge fortunes that biographies are written about. These grandkids should be revered for their success of course, but most of the time, their childhoods are not given enough credit. Their parents and their grandparents, keeping their shit together despite the rigors of pioneering in a new field, are not given enough credit. They don't become part of the family myth. Whether it's Stephen "Wonderboy" Thompson or Beyonce or Gwenyth Paltrow, the outlier becomes this heroic individual who did it with help from his parents, sure, but not to the extent that anyone imagines.
***You may not understand what I mean when I say "pioneer" unless you have read this post: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2015/0.... You may not understand what I mean when I say "maiden" or "squire" unless you have read this post: http://roslynross.blogspot.com/2016/0...***
More importantly, it only appears that the children of these so-called great outliers are not that great. A child of an outlier, say, Beyonce's kids for example, has a choice when it comes to work: Don't work and live off the family money, try to outdo her mother, or do her own thing. Family systems experts recommend to heirs that they do their own thing. And then everyone needs to have compassion for what career-failures the kids so often are.
Most of the time, families return to pioneering before the third generation is even reached. The second-generation (wealthy, but not to the level that biographies will be written about him) doesn't raise his children. He sends them to school where they end up at twenty-two starting as a pioneer in something else. (Or even starting as a pioneer in the very business that they could have had 10k hours in already if his parents had raised him differently.)
These pioneering children of outliers and successful people will most likely never be that successful. The pioneering children of "great creators" are not the "losers" that their parents and society imagines them to be. They are the pioneering generation of a new thing. They will struggle just to survive in their career of choice in ways that their parents cannot possibly understand since the struggle to survive in a new field isn't part of their life experience. A second-generation success cannot fathom what it is like to arrive in the wilderness and learn an entire ecosystem. This is another reason why so many children of successful people choose to be pioneers – because the successful parents advising the children have no idea how hard it is. As a rule, the successful people were not pioneers.
So what does this mean for you and your family? Or me and mine? I think it would be helpful for families to place themselves: Are you a pioneer, pioneering in a new line of work that you did not learn from your parents as a kid? Are you second generation, successful and perhaps even very wealthy but not to the level that biographies will be written about you? Are you third generation, the outlier that most likely your child cannot top?
If you are a pioneer, you will most likely think your career is a dead end. You will have different dreams for your kid. College will fix it! This is the mistake. I met a guy the other day that owns thirty-two convenience stores. He makes a great living, but no one will write biographies about him. And how on earth did the child of a single mother, an immigrant who worked a minimum wage job, come to own thirty-two convenience stores? Well, his worked at a 7-11. She couldn't afford daycare and didn't know anyone, so he spent hours there with her every day. He knew how to run the place by the time he was twelve. Started working there himself when he was fourteen. Didn't go to college. Saved up and bought his first 7-11 when he was twenty-five. Killed it. Says most people who run 7-11's don't understand how to run them.
The lesson: If you are a struggling pioneer don't assume your child will struggle as hard as you. You paved the way. Your child has been paying attention. Invite your child to your life. He will do it better. Don't assume your career is a dead end or you life isn't a worthy one to invite your child to join.
If you are second generation, your weakness will be having no idea how hard it is to be a pioneer. Picture your parents and how successful they are. If you sentence your child to the life of a pioneer, that will likely be his level of success, not yours. Don't assume your kid wants to do his own thing if he knows the true choice. Don't send him down the pioneer track by sending him to a "good school" and being able to afford after school activities or a wife at home that prevents him from hanging out with you at the office all day. Your mistake will be one of ignorance, not appreciating what your parents did that you were able to build on. Be clear with your kids: You can be a pioneer, but you most likely will not find the level of success I have found. If you want to start studying the family business now (at seven years old) you have a chance at becoming an outlier. You get to decide based on your values, but be clear about what the real choice is. Hard work is not all it takes to reach your level of success.
If you are adult second-gen who just realized how hard it is going to be to be a pioneer, but its too late to spend your childhood learning the family business, consider accepting your pioneer status and focusing on your children: They can be second generation in whatever field you are pioneering, or, if you raise them at Grandpa's office, they can take your place as the outlying, third generation.
If you are third generation, and people are writing biographies about you, you are in the riskiest spot. If you have made outlying success, you will most likely struggle the most at parenting because your success keeps you stuck in the maiden/squire phase of life and because your children will grow up in your shadow. You could try to lessen the shadow, toning it down at work. This would happen naturally if you let go of your maiden/squire phase. If your focus becomes your child, and you bring your child to life with you. What happens? You can't do as much. You have to slow down. If you are Beyonce you do maybe three shows a year, and you prepare for them for months – they take a lot longer to prepare for because your five-year-old is there wanting to learn the dance routine too. You don't make quite as much money because your time is being poured into your child. But in the end, it's wonderful, because you are not a maiden trying to attract the attention of the highest status mate you can anymore. You are a mother now, trying to raise a child who can attract the highest quality mate. You can't buy a good mate for your kid. You can only focus on your child, helping her to become the best potential mate she can be.
Anyway, that's how I can see a third generation successful family working with the child in the same career as the parents.
If your fourth generation child isn't going to follow your career, perhaps he can pick something you exposed him to, so he will have a better chance of not being a total pioneer. For example Brad Pitt's kids could consider architecture or directing or working for the UN. In this way maybe they can pull off (almost) second-generation status. Should they choose chemistry, they will be pioneers. It's fine to choose chemistry, but they should be made aware of the reality of the choice they are making.
Another strategy for a third generation parent is to have the child pick something when he is young. In this way, both child and parent have ten to twenty years to learn about that field, giving the child second-generation status. The danger is that the parent will underestimate the level of involvement needed on his part, thinking that that $150/hr tutor was enough. The tutor is not enough. Every line of work is its own world, it's own ecosystem. If you own a soap business, you can buy your child acting lessons from the best teachers in the world, but if you don't take the time to meet people in that world, and develop relationships with them, your child will end up a pioneer.
Anyway, not saying there are not exceptions or that this is The One True Rule. It's just a trend that I have noticed.
June 17, 2020
OK followup to family welath. Takes the concepts and provides a deper dive. I prefered 'Family Wealth' if I am honest.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews