The Alphabet of Manliness

by Maddox, Angelo Vildasol (Illustrator), Bryan Douglas (Illustrator)

Sometimes in life you say certain words in conjunction with other words that you normally wouldn’t, such as the word “holy” and the word “shit.” Those times are rare and celebrated. Well, get your face hole ready, because this is one of those introducing The Alphabet of Manliness : Special Edition ! 
 
If it’s a crime to be awesome, then I deserve three life sentences and the death penalty. This literary kick to the dick may very well be the greatest compilation of all things manly throughout history.
 
The new edition


   • “The Numbers of Manliness.”
   • A full-color insert
   • Corrections to typos!
 
I, Maddox, the author, personally guarantee that this is the best edition of the book since the last one. This book is only for the saltiest, hairiest, most rugged sons of bitches out there. However, it would be selfish to keep it for myself, so feel free to pick up a copy. This humble tome of wisdom is a tribute to all men who toil away at work every day, getting their balls busted or busting balls alike.
 
If you can’t handle the punch to the colon I’m about to deliver to you, look on the bright you’ll save a fortune on Halloween when kids come to your door to pick apart your candy ass. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with the risk of having your ass neatly packaged and handed to you with all the trimmings, cut the foreplay and crack the book open already.

Genres: Humor, Comedy, Fiction, Satire, Comics, American, Self Help

204 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Maddox is a native Utahn and visionary director of The Best Page in the Universe website. Once a lowly programmer for a telemarketing company, he now stands as a specimen of sheer masculinity and chiseled good looks. When he's not writing his own biographies in the third person, he be found writing articles for his website.

Reviews

[Seizure Romero · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just picked this up in a used bookshop during lunch. I opened randomly to page 9, with the headline "Head-butt to the Ovaries" (in the first chapter, titled "A is for Ass-Kicking") I laughed out loud. This is Man Show humor, and I'm someone who thinks Adam Corolla is one the biggest jackasses in show business.

Yes, it's juvenile. It's also satire. It is a mockery of the manly stereotype and therefore itself. It probably helps that I'm tired-- I've put in more than 80 hours during the past 8 days inside a fluorescent-lit cubicle farm, not to mention taking a 300-mile overnight road trip this weekend-- but anything that makes me laugh like that is OK. I haven't finished it yet and I'm still giving it top ratings.

I'm sure it wouldn't be near as funny were I to read it a second time. Most humor has a shelf-life. Easily offended people, the politically correct, emo-boys, and other "sensitive" types will probably not enjoy this. I don't even recommend paying full price for it ($15.95). I wouldn't. I paid $5 to a local business and the puerile laughs were worth every penny.

[Sam · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love Maddox's website, and my expectations were quite high for this book. Unfortunately, I was let down.

I only managed a chuckle from 'A is for Ass-Kicking' and 'U is for Urinal Etiquette.' The rest of the book feels like page after page of forced hyperbole, as opposed to the natural and free-flowing hyperbole normally found at thebestpageintheuniverse.com. That would be forgivable if the book at least brandished Maddox's trademark cleverness, but it was not to be found. Not even 'N is for Norris, Chuck' could rescue this bad boy. Like all of the entries in this book, Maddox skipped over clever and surprising wordplay and went straight to uncrafted extremeness. The subtext was, "Hey, isn't this way over-the-top??? Doesn't that make it funny???"

Over-the-top humor only works if its crafted in such a way that the viewer can't predict what's about to happen. I am disappointed to report that there were hardly any jokes or even moments that felt anything other than stale and forced.

[Danine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really awful book. I felt much shame in reading it. I thought about the feminists who worked so hard to eliminate this vulgar attitude toward woman. The shame didn't last very long though. At the same time I found myself laughing uncontrollably. My favs: A is for Ass-kicking. M is for Metal and N is for Chuck Norris.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brought to you by the mastermind behind www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com. He's not the kind of person to read if you are easily offended. But if you enjoy offending people, read this for some A material! Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a "manly" topic complete with illustrations.

A is for ass-kicking
B is for boners
C is for copping a feel
D is for taking a dump
E is for enlightenment
F is for female wrestling
G is for gas
H is for hot sauce
I is for irate
J is for beef jerky
K is for knockers
L is for lumberjack
M is for metal
N is for Chuck Norris
O is for obedience
P is for pirates
Q is for quickie
R is for road rage
S is for sneaking a peek
T is for taunting
U is for urinal etiquette
V is for violence
W is for winner
X is for XXX
Y is for yelling
Z is for zombies

[Evie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, but it started to lose steam quickly toward the end. Certain topics didn't make much sense in terms of manliness ("zombies"?) Still, worth reading on a lark if you aren't easily offended.

The chapter on Chuck Norris almost made me pee my pants at work.

[Emory · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like most internet-inspired works, such as "Shit My Dad Says" or any of the Cheezburger network's many lolcat volumes, "The Alphabet of Manliness" is less manifesto of masculinity and more hardbound tasteless joke.

Maddox is a personality. Like Rush Limbaugh, Al Sharpton, or in the realm of comedy Stephen Colbert, his writing comes off as over-the-top, offensive, and one-dimensional because he is playing the part of a character. His rants are informed by his own opinions which he then injects with a healthy dose of extreme sarcasm. I've been reading "The Best Page in the Universe" for a a few years now so his particular brand of satire and parody are hardly surprising, and I went into it knowing precisely what to expect.

This is not to say that it is poorly written, or that the entries are nothing more than dick and fart jokes (except for "F": F is for Farts) but this is hardly a serious bit of literature and does not pretend to be. It is funny, at times. There are some stretches which fall flat as they are overwhelmed by his mixing of technical language with the subject matter for comedic effect. Still, there are enough moments of inspired humor to make the book an overall entertaining read.

If you like and enjoy the stand-up work of George Carlin, you should enjoy this book. It is by no means on Carlin's level of clever observational wit, but it is an giggle-filled diversion for a day or two of bathroom reading.

[Shane Kaler · Rating 1 out of 5]

What? I wanted something mindless to read on the can.

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is what it says it is from A is for Ass Kiciking to Z is for Zombie, this book is the alphabet of manliness. All the violence and self aggrandizing misogyny is appropriately tongue in cheek, and sufficiently well executed.

In the introduction Maddox shouts out Robert Hamburger for the Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Handbook saying that this seminal work paved the way for him. However, I think that this book imitates Hamburger's style too much. Whereas, Hamburger portrays wild extreme slapstick violence by ninjas, Maddox portrays wild extreme misogynistic violence. And for some reason, this just isn't that funny (because it actually is a real and serious problem.) But not only that, it isn't Maddox's strength, and the imitation comes off as flat and uninspired. Maddox should have bit off Hamburger less, going with his more original voice would have been much funnier and better.

I'm glad that Maddox wrote this book, and I hope that he makes some money off of it. His website is awesome, and I think that this is a good way to turn his online popularity into cold hard cash. However, I just think that this book would be better if it was more like the website.

I read this book because The Best Page In The Universe is frickin hilarious, and a young man Mr Tubertson bought it for me for chrismahannukwandonali.

[Martin]

This is the burliest, hairiest, lumberjackiest, ahoy-me-matiest, chauvinistiest, ball-stompiest, tawdriest, camel-toeiest book on manliness ever written. It's also the only one, and so it's the best one. I put my brain cells in park to enjoy this one. Don't read it, it's not for impressionable minds, unless you want to become a MAN, man! I el oh elled at several points, which was a problem because the naughty graphics are not what you want an eavesdropper getting a peek at. I want to give this 5 stars so badly, but truthfully, I'd think less of myself. For those wondering why I read this filth, it's all about balance. I've put my brain cells back in drive and am reading "The Black Swan."

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was tipped off to Madox's website, thebestpageintheuniverse.com, or something like that by a friend who said his critiques and subsequent failing marks on childrens' artwork was hillarious. And it was. So I saw that he wrote a book and I went out and got it for my friend Brad's b-day. Since I had it and it was unwrapped, I did the tacky thing and read it.
I laughed outloud. I also felt embarrassment by the very gross graphic drawings throughout the book when I read it on the plane.
There are chapters on Beef Jerkey, Chuck Norris, and how to grope women successfully, just to give you an idea of what this book is about.
If you recognize that this author is not the person he presents (think the Sarah Siverman show) it's a lot funnier.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I greatly appreciate a book that can make me laugh out loud while riding on public transportation. Although some of the subjects covered in this A-Z of manliness are worth skipping over, there are always a few lines in each that bring redemption to worthless subject. I personally love completely absurd statements and significant exaggeration both of which abound in this book. One of my personal favorite statements was in the letter M for Metal, Maddox goes to his first Heavy Metal concert and the "Music was so loud that it gave my friend back problems". Not a book for Higher learning but I still enjoyed it.

[Lannie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I can't believe I used to read Maddox. I can't believe I bought this book, had it delivered to my home. I can't believe that at one point in my life, this was the only book I had in my apartment that wasn't a college textbook and an abridged version of Les Miserables.

It really comes from another era of internet humor: a single tone of useless joke that makes fun of itself for existing. I don't even think I liked it when I had it, I just enjoyed the novelty of it. Sometimes things are like that.

Still, I have a fondness for this little book and some of its humor that is definitely more about me than the book itself.

[Jonathan Discount · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love Maddox's website, "The Best Page in the Universe" at http://maddox.xmission.com. Unfortunately, this book didn't match the quality of many of his blog posts. The humor is, of course, raunchy -- and that's what you expect. What you don't expect is it to get tired -- which it does. In fact, the book starts very strong "A is for Ass-Kicking". But by the time you reach "O is for Obedience", the prose is a bit tired, not as original and Maddox appears to be going through the motions. The illustrations are very good -- sometimes great.

[Rick Cummings · Rating 4 out of 5]

We all know how sarcastic Maddox is... but 206 pages of it is a marathon. I found that halfway through the book, things became formulaic, and it seemed even Maddox himself was tired of writing by page 150. Overall, though, it does have a few good jokes, slathers it on thick, and makes a darn good argument as to why beef jerky is the greatest food on the planet. I'd give it a 3.5, but we'll round up.

[Dexter · Rating 5 out of 5]

hahah.. i read this at Christmas time and totally forgot to comment... the basic premise of this book is that the author goes through the alphabet letter by letter describing a topic and spends 3-4 pages describing what makes that topic so manly.


A is ass kicking
B is for Boners
C is for cock punches
D is for Dexter
...
You get the picture. Absolutely awesomely funny.

The cover of the book has a man punching a gorilla. A FREAKING Gorilla!

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I sit here eating a steak with beer, have a Jon Wayne movie on in the background, my girlfriend doing the dishes, and am reading this book, I cannot help but feel that I cannot get any manlier.

If you enjoy Maddox's website, then you'll enjoy this. It's laugh out loud funny if you can take a joke without getting easily offended. This book should be on every man's coffee table.

[Jim Greene · Rating 2 out of 5]

OK. Yeah. It's funny in his own little twisted sense of humor, but it's not a book to be taken seriously. It's stupidity, really and the handbook for macho men (read: the most obnoxious and ridiculously narcissistic male figures in the world). So, yea, for a cheap laugh, read it. No other reason.

[Jordan Munn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned that Event Horizon is not just a movie.

This book is great, but maybe not quite as good as the website because it's not as distilled. Still, The Alphabet of Manliness should be in the reference section of every library.

[Asen Georgiev · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book that shouldn't be taken seriously by no means. It is obviously marketed towards men, but I believe that women who can take a joke can also find the book entertaining. It's a dumb book with a few funny moments and illustrations. Good for reading on the bus while commuting.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

So awesome it makes me want to punch a gorilla in the freakin' face!

[Jmswtsn · Rating 1 out of 5]

He has a funny and interesting website. The book is awful. Avoid at all costs.

[Sean Curry · Rating 1 out of 5]

For my review of this book, I want you to think of the sound a rocket or firework in a movie makes when it's lit but just putters about for a moment and then falls into a puddle. Plus a fart.

[RusticRabbit · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is probably one of the worst things I have seen written down on paper. I got this book secondhand and I am choosing not to keep it. I read a few chapters and skimmed the book. I don't think my opinion would change if I read it in depth. So many people are claiming this is satire and that Maddox is a brilliant satirist (also a claim by him, himself) and that his website is really great as well. While he does sometimes partake in satire, satire requires an object you are making fun of and highlight the stupidity of. This book does not have that object. He takes masculinity to its extremes, including being a horrible person because of it, but who is he highlighting the stupidity of? He actually does feel the way he is in this book, though a bit more toned down. He is a sexist prick who views women as objects. If anything, he is highlighting his own stupidity. It seems like everyone has forgotten, or never learned, the definition of satire. This book is old, and it has not aged well, however I think this is still disgusting for 2006. I am honestly surprised the ratings are as high as they are. I am only reviewing this negatively because it needs to be said since there aren't a lot of people doing so. I think the worst part of the book was the guide on how to sexually assault women. I am wishing the best for the women in this man's life (if there are any) and that they get far far away from him. I am also wishing the best for the women/victims in the lives of men who review this positively (if they exist) who also take the time to massively self-report how horrible they are.

[Judd · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a humor book that focuses on hypermasculinity and how to be as "manly" as possible. I didn't really find it all that funny but there were guilty moments of laughing out loud. Where the book shines is when the author hits the tongue-in-cheek jokes with ease. In those moments it excels. Other times, either Maddox is missing his mark or deliberately attempting to offend. I couldn't tell for sure but there were a couple of spots that felt a little rapey and offset the previous success that he had.

Humor is tailored for the individual and this either went over my head or just wasn't my cup of tea. It's also worth noting that this book is from 2006; a different time as they say. Not to say that this book is dated but worth mentioning that we live in a time when a lot of folks find umbrage with a lot of humor. Try as I may to not be that guy, maybe it's rubbed off on me. Who knows.

[Joseph Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a target audience for this, and it's not your mom or your girlfriend. Honestly, the first few chapters were a little much in these times (especially after Me Too), but Maddox finds his groove shortly after, adding the type of self deprecating humor you would see with the likes of Robert Hamburger. The book itself is incredibly tight, with each line adding to a gag, no filler. There was love put into each chapter of the book.

You have to be in the right state to read this book to enjoy it. Would not recommend to most people.

[RoboCrew · Rating 1 out of 5]

An easy waste of time for those that are not easily offended by lewd descriptions of manliness and bad writing. The author seems to think that being a man includes sexually assaulting women. I took most of this book as sarcasm and trite cliches, but it is remarkably unremarkable. There are thousands of better books in the world that are funnier and smarter. Don't waste time and braincells with this steaming pile.

[Mark Nowowiejski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maddox is a god damned genius who has turned seeing through society's BS into an art form. Any of his books (or website) and the perfect way to distract yourself from your shtty life. Frankly, if you don't have any of these masterpieces of literature accessible somewhere around your trailer/box/townhouse I just don't know WTF you're even doing,

[Ron Kerrigan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Crude, but, yes, funny. Lots of easy-to-take-offense-at comments about women, but surely no one can actually have that attitude today (or can they.) Lots of vulgarity and scatalogical humor, too. Author has an acerbic sense of humor that is very funny in small doses. Not recommended to be read cover to cover in a short time, though.

[LucianTaylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Way much better than, "Fuck Whales", and "I am Better than Your Kids". Maddox either you love him or you hate him. I like his irreverent, insulting and corrosive humor, but the guy has damped down since some years. This book was written when he was at his peak of humor.

[Johnathon Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was funny. Should have read it several years ago. Very tounge in cheek. Describes where society is heading. Strong men create good times, good times create weak men and weak men create hard times.