Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour

by Gayle Haggard, Angela Elwell Hunt (Contributor)

On November 2, 2006, Gayle Haggard’s life changed forever. That was the day that her husband, Ted Haggard, founder of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs and the President of the NAE, confessed to her the truth. In Why I Stayed, Gayle walks us through the choices she made in her darkest hours. On the day and in the months ahead, everything in her life was at stake—what she believed, the husband she thought she knew, and the church community she had worked tirelessly to establish with her husband and friends in the basement of their home more than two decades ago. Out of this crucible in her life, Gayle has discovered a newfound passion for the central message of the Bible—the liberating message of forgiveness and love. Why I Stayed is a must-read. It paints a picture of what less-than-perfect people, across this nation and all over the world, desperately need—a community of family and faith that offers healing love and a path to restoration.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Christian, Biography, Religion, Biography Memoir, Marriage

369 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 11, 2010

About the author

Gayle Haggard is an author, speaker, and the wife of Ted Haggard. After her world was rocked by public scandal in 2006, she emerged with her faith, marriage, and family stronger than ever. Gayle is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Why I Stayed: the Choices I Made in my Darkest Hour, and her newest book, Courageous Grace. She and Ted currently pastor St. James Church in Colorado Springs where Gayle leads a ministry to women called Women Belong.

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

What a frustrating book! Since the name of the book was Why I Stayed, I assumed that it had, at some point, ocurred to her not to stay. If it did, she didn't mention it in this book. She danced around the subject of her husbands inappropriate relationship with a gay escort and only said that Ted had "compulsive thoughts that led to his sin." It never seemed to dawn on Gayle that there is a possibility that Ted might be gay.

The book might have been more appropriately named Why the Chuch Did Us Wrong, since that's what the book was actually about. She begins by telling us how they started their church. After the story broke about her husband, she was just hurt because the church couldn't find compassion or forgiveness for him. I did find it very strange that every time someone from their church came to their home to further reprimand them or ask them to leave the state, she was like a dog who wagged her tail and gave them a big lick on the face. She never seemed to get that these people were no longer her friends and they were not visiting her house because they were friends.

It never appeared to me that Gayle made any choices in her darkest hour. She only stuck her head in the sand when it came to her husbands "compulsive thoughts" and then let her feelings get hurt when the church didn't do the same.

[ByTheFire · Rating 2 out of 5]

The most interesting part was the therapy section on the type of therapy used with Ted and Gayle. Wish the book had been more about why Gayle stayed...seemed to descend into why she felt betrayed by her congregation. (in my opinion)

[Lori Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have met Gayle Haggard and went to a few of her women's classes. She's an excellent speaker and and excellent writer! I enjoyed really understanding the story from her point of view. The public has been so quick to judge Ted and Gayle Haggard, it's sooo sad how they were abandoned by their church and what originally seemed like their friends too. I recommend this book to ANY Christian...we are ALL sinners and no one's sin is worse than another's. Everyone's sin is worth forgiving!!

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book because I was interested in the human interest/relationship/drama/scandal aspect. How did Gayle Haggard deal with a very private issue while being in the public life? But this book actually goes far beyond a bit of juicy info "straight from the horse's mouth." Indeed, Gayle doesn't particularly dwell on her personal feelings of betrayal or shock when she discovered that her prominent pastor husband had engaged in homosexual acts and used drugs. It feels a bit as if she includes these details because she knows she has to. But most of the book is devoted to her examination of the events in light of Christian teaching, so that it becomes part spiritual memoir (how I believe God had a plan in all of this) and part evangelizing. It's hard to fault her for this latter piece, even though the presence of evangelizing in books is usually a big turn-off for me. In this case, it feels genuine in that Gayle's faith really does seem to be such a huge part of who she is that it would be inauthentic to tell this story without a healthy dose of "witnessing" in it. And although it's not as much a "drama" as I hoped, she gives just enough details to satisfy the slightly voyeuristic reader.

My main bone to pick with this book wasn't the evangelizing, but the length and redundancy. Honestly, this book could have been about half as long as it was, and it really got to feel like it was beating a dead horse in places. It also veered toward sappy and condescending in places. Still, it did make me re-examine my own quick tendency to judge, and it was inspiring in that it showed how one woman truly did fully integrate her faith into the challenges in her life. Although I didn't expect to, and although our spiritual views are not in perfect alignment, I really feel like I learned from her in that.

[Patti · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this up at the library feeling a bit cynical about the whole thing. My cynicism is softened just a little, however, I do think the book is really about creating some income for the Haggards. And why not, I guess? After reading the book, I felt that the New Life Church did treat them badly and should have forgiven them and rallied around them if, in fact, Ted's indiscretions were the only issues. Isn't that really what these Christian churches preach? And I still refuse to believe that sexual preference is a sin or a choice. And Mrs. Haggard is fooling herself if she thinks her husband is "cured" even if he has successfully changed his behavior.

[Marcia DeHaan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Gayle Haggard's book doesn't have much to say about why she stayed with her husband. It is a lot more of a lamentation about how poorly she and her husband were treated after their darkest hour by those who would not allow them to return to "their" church - the church "they" founded, the church that was so much more of everything that they so desperately needed than any other church could ever be. This book was a good reminder to me that my church is not mine - it belongs to Christ - and that I desperately need Him - not delusions of my own "uniqueness" - in my darkest hour. I hope Gayle eventually is able to move on!

[Becky · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not sure what I thought of this. On one hand, I believe Mrs. Haggard made a courageous, difficult, and ultimately righteous choice. It had to be incredibly hard to forgive her husband, but in doing so, she displayed the love of Christ. And I do think their church treated them very, very badly and did not even begin to pursue the kind of reconciliation the Bible calls the church to do.

On the other hand: They had a video journalist take footage of their family in crisis just for their own memory box??? Ludicrous. And I notice that said journalist made an entire documentary and pitched it to HBO before noting that the footage was no longer for the Haggards' personal use. Also, this is 2010. This story became pubic in 2006. Although I believe Ted Haggard is not permanently banned from ever doing anything in ministry again, I thought the book contained a certain tone of champing at the bit. I think he would be very wise to take a few more years to focus on his family and shore up his personal life before thinking he should be in leadership or counseling again. Also, the Haggards are now in the camp of those "hurt by the church," but I think they would also be very wise to consider that the church is God's chosen vehicle for spreading the gospel, and although it also struggles with sin, the Haggards still ought to try to align themselves with a biblical, solid church and word WITHIN the churhc to effect change.

One last criticism: This book is titled "Why I Stayed," but I think it has much less to do with Mrs. Haggard's personal choice to stay with her husband and much more to do with the Haggards' grievances against their church. I think they have good reason for grievances -- their church essentially sought to get rid of them instead of helping or shepherding them. But the book may be mistitled.

Again, though, I do commend Mrs. Haggard for being brave and seeking to do what she thought was best for her family and her relationship with the Lord.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book suprised me. I was expecting to listen to one woman apologize for her husband's sins and justify why she stayed. It ended up being the story of how a repenting sinner was not treated as a Christian should be by his church. Gayle made lots of really great observations and had lots of wisdom about forgiveness. I felt for her and her family and admire the courage they all had in this trial.

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely recommend. Realized how I have judged people and not loved people when they were having a hard time because I was having a hard time with what they did instead of showing them God's love. Definitely challenged me to repent and grow :)

[Tiffany Proactiff · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have a newfound respect for this woman's strength and courageousness. I relearned the meaning of true forgiveness and a deeper desire to rededicate my personal relationship with God. Gayle Haggard has totally inspired my heart!

[Kristy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Curiosity got the best of me. I must say Im surprised to admit I actually really enjoyed this book. It was eye opening to read their side of the situation and learn more...

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd never heard of this book and pulled it off the shelf at random in the library. It's by Gayle Haggard, the wife of Ted Haggard, former head pastor of a large church in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of Evangelicals. In 2006 he was accused of buying illegal drugs and having a homosexual relationship and stepped down from both of those positions. His wife stayed with him and they worked through it together. In the process the church that they had started in their basement (and built up to 14,000 attendees each week) completely cut them off and refused to even allow them to attend with them anymore. It was a long, horrible process. I would not have imagined I'd come out on the side of the pastor who was secretly using drugs and being unfaithful to his wife, all the while preaching and running a large church, but I did. This book was a sort of paradigm shift for me. Seriously, I think anyone who takes the time to read it will understand what I'm talking about. It's definitely worth the time to read, and I thought it was well written.

Yes, he was doing something wrong while preaching against it from the pulpit. But we all do that, don't we? We give a lesson on honesty and not gossiping, and then we do it the same afternoon. That doesn't mean we were wrong when we said not to do it. It just means that we need the lesson and we are as imperfect as the people hearing it. The whole point of church and God and religion is to become better people, and when someone screws up and we just write them off forever we've missed the entire point of being Christ like. An obvious sin like Ted Haggard's is easy to attack and root out, but what about pride, indifference, unkindness, unwillingingness to forgive? I don't think I've ever been in as extreme a situation as the one the Haggard's and their church experienced, but I think I've been too much on the side of judging and criticizing (even just in my own head) when I've seen people around me fall. There was a guy I worked with who shot and killed his wife in a church parking lot one morning a few years back. I pretty much decided he's evil, but a friend of mine looked him up in prison and thought about writing him a letter. I still don't plan to write him (like I wouldn't start regular writing personal letters to any male, inmate or not), but I realize that my friend had more compassion and forgiveness than me. Am I like the Haggard's former church, and I write people completely off when they mess up? I don't think so - not completely. But I have a lot of room for improvement. We're all imperfect. We all mess up. Let's just help each other out and move on. The end. (PS. Good book.)

(PPS. http://documentaryheaven.com/the-tria... - that's the HBO documentary Alexandra Pelosi (Nancy Pelosi's daughter) made this film and you can view it here for free.)

[Kristy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audio book of "Why I Stayed" which is read by Gayle Haggard herself. It was nice to hear the book, not only in her own words, but in her intended tone; she communicated her heart well.
I don't want to pass judgement on the Haggards, since I believe they have gone through the ringer, however I found myself wondering a few times throughout the book what its true intention was. First, I felt the book didn't entirely line up with the title. Though Haggard does address and refer to why she stayed with her husband a number of times throughout the book, the heart of the book doesn't so much focus on why she stayed so much as the injustice that she and her family suffered at the hands of those who sought to "restore" Ted Haggard after his moral failure. Second, the book felt a little bit like an attempt to defend and redeem the Haggard name.
The book focuses a lot on the need to forgive and restore a repentant believer. I believe this 100%, and I believe Ted Haggard was repentant of his sin. What I felt was left out was an acknowledgement that he was in a high position of leadership. At one point in the book, Haggard says that the only people her husband sinned against were her and God. He didn’t sin against the church because his failure only showed him to be human. It was the people, she said, who put him on a pedestal. While that may be true, the Bible warns that those who teach/preach will be judged more harshly. It made sense to me that the consequences for Ted Haggard’s sin, as the pastor and overseer of thousands of people, would be greater than that of a regular church member. It doesn’t mean he is more sinful or less loved by God than anyone else, but I felt that the book diminished the accountability Ted Haggard had to his congregation.
It seemed as though this book was an attempt to communicate “the real story” to those who were once congregants of the Haggards. As one reviewer noted, the reader wonders if this book does more harm than good in that it seems to highlight the division that is so commonly found within the Christian church. Not that I think that truth should be glossed over. But I felt there was a slight “woe is me” feel to the second half of the story.
Again, hearing the book in Gayle Haggard’s own voice was nice. I believe she is a wonderful person who has experienced much from the Lord through her whole ordeal.

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Something made me pick this up at the library. It was ok, I had a tough time believing some of the details. I'm not sure what I think of this book or if I would recommend it. I do think New Life Church handled the situation incorrectly but I feel that this book was a very long reciting of Gayle Haggard's wrongs by her former church.

[Valeria · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is exclusively for Christians as all authors reasoning and choices can be understood, appreciated and admired only from perspective of knowing God personally the way she refers to.
From that perspective, this lady has been a priceless example of love, faithfulness, patience and generosity and it is good to read about those qualities that are less and less popular in times we are living in.

I always think that there is a special quality in true stories and this one is no exception. Never before have I heard of the author and her family so I wasn't burdened with pre knowledge.
Besides that, I'm living in different culture, incomparably less wealthy and not as organized, where people can't move from their town as easily nor start new careers. Therefore, problems within the church would be dealt in different manner here- in most cases people would stay where they are and either be forgiven or not, so maybe I'm in no position to decide about how right or wrong were the people who took an active role in the story, but I don't have to actually. This is a personal account and I don't have to be the judge, just an observer.
That is all I'll write about that side of the story, which many rightfully assessed as a dominant even if the title claims differently, but situation with the church played an important role in Gayle and Ted closeness as a couple and all the members of their family too. I believe it couldn't have been omitted.

[John Kennedy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The good part about this book is that is a frank and methodical exploration of emotions after the author’s megachurch pastor husband confessed to buying illegal drugs and engaging in immoral sexual activity with men. The book does a commendable job examining the background of what drove Ted Haggard to such behavior and how he found healing, both from God and his family. The act of forgiveness a spouse who has betrayed one sexually is a redeeming message in an era of quick divorce. The Haggard story shows that we are all human, and not even spiritual people are above succumbing to temptations that can evolve into compulsions and then addictions if no one is let in on the secret. Gayle Haggard saw the warning signs early in the marriage with revelations from Ted of same-sex attraction. But she viewed these as isolated incidents that had been dealt with and never thought the struggle continued because she and her husband enjoyed a good sex life.

Unfortunately, too much of the book—-more than half of it-—is spent complaining about how they were treated by the church after the crisis. They willingly placed themselves under the authority of overseers who effectively barred them from returning to the church. While restoration of a pastor to the pulpit is biblical and a wonderful example of the church in action, this didn’t seem to be such a case. Ted Haggard was no ordinary pastor. He had authored a dozen books, led a church of 14,000 members and was president of the National Association of Evangelicals. To step down permanently from his pastoral post makes the most sense if the church is to heal. Coming back in a lesser capacity in a few weeks could only have caused division.

Yet Gayle goes on and on about the bitterness of not being valued for all they had done for the church. The overseers were trying to keep a toxic situation from spreading. Trust had been broken in a huge way. Pastors are called to higher standards, and sexual sin is a terrible breach of trust. The Haggards seem to think they should have been able to somehow negotiate the terms of their restoration process. Critics wanted Ted Haggard to go away; but he is still in the public eye. In some ways that’s a good thing; in others, it’s not.

[Trish · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love reading stories about other Christians and how they survived remarkable challenges. When I saw Gayle on TV one day at the gym, I decided I had to know more about her. I wasn't at all familiar with her story when it broke in 2006.

First, let me say that I find Gayle to be an amazing woman of faith. To do what she did and under those circumstances ... wow. I don't know a lot of people who could endure the same. And not only endure, but learn and grow and overcome.

As for the book -- I liked it. Parts of it seemed repetitive. Parts of it I didn't agree with. But I definitely came away feeling uplifted by her example and hoping the best for her in the future.

[Renee · Rating 2 out of 5]

I listened to the e-audio of this book. The author read the book well and the first section of the book was enjoyable as she described her early years of life, marriage, family and ministry. I expected a well-written, heartfelt story of grace and forgiveness within the context of a marriage - a personal story, but the latter half of the book felt like a public protest by a public figure who objected to how a situation was handled. I hadn't heard of the Haggards before reading this book, so the propaganda-like feel of this story was unexpected and disappointing.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an unlikely choice for me, but I have been drawn in by her faith and mature understanding of what it means to love others as ourself. I tend to have not much respect for mega church pastors who turn to anything for profit. I thought her book would be a lot of conservative fluff about a womans role. This is not her perspective at all, at least so far in the book.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow, she makes it sound like what Ted Haggard did, wasn't so bad....actually what she did was make me realize anything little that my husband does is not a big deal anymore.

[Spider the Doof Warrior]

This was a dollar at the library. And people who are different from me are interesting.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting....sad....inspiring.

[Trudie Barreras · Rating 5 out of 5]

Those who are familiar with many of my other writings, including my reviews and my own memoir, “Trust Truth”, know that I am intensely focused on LGBTQ+ concerns, especially where they overlap with matters spiritual/religious. It is my contention that one of the greatest failings of “organized Christianity” (of all varieties) since the establishment of what is now “the Church” has been the intense and pervasive development of the equation SEX = SIN. From my own reading of the Gospels, I have come to the conclusion that Jesus was only interested in condemning one aspect of human sexuality, and that was our tendency to turn eroticism into a power trip, and the accompanying exploitation and subjection of others, including, of course, the more vulnerable among us – women, children, and the impoverished.

In her beautifully articulated, deeply honest, and completely authentic memoir, Gayle Haggard shines the spotlight directly on one of the most atrocious recent manifestations of ecclesiastical sin-mongering, the extreme over-reaction of Evangelical Christianity to the subject of homosexuality: the victimization of Ted Haggard, simply because his “sin” involved infidelity, with a male masseur. Had it been a “normal” heterosexual dalliance, of course, the whole scenario would have been totally different. In my opinion, this book is priceless for its clarification and exposition of this issue in such a loving and non-judgmental way.

[Roxana Rathbun · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted a more deeper insight into their relationship. From what she does share, it was a strange beginning. Gayle is actually already engaged when she meets Ted and she leaves that relationship for him. They start a church in their basement that turns into a megachurch that then turns its back on them after Ted is found out for having homosexual relationships. Despite this Gayle chooses to stay but her only reasoning is that God tells her to. Maybe he did, I don't know if there is a God. Either way, there are some things that don't sit right with me like saying that Ted is "hetero with issues". I'm sorry, just tell the truth, the man is bisexual. He is choosing to stay with his wife and kids and kudos to him for speaking out about his troubles. However, stop trying to spin it like you are still just a straight man. I also think it's gross how the church they started treated them. I feel like the creators of an organization should be able to go in and say hey, look, I know I preached this before, but I was wrong.

Anyway, this was a strange read and I feel unsettled reading it. I am glad they held onto their faith and morals, but maybe dig a little deeper and realize you are still spouting hate yourselves.

[Ross Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intriguing account of a pastor's wife who discovered her husband's infidelity. She then joined him in exile when their church leadership "exiled" them from their home state. Her autobiography compelled me to cogitate on truths that I can and should apply to my own marriage:
* God comes first. My spouse comes second.
* Do not let others (friends, family, those in need) invade the inner bond between husband and wife.
* Sometimes praying something away is not enough. There are often psychological reasons that must be combatted.

Lastly, not applicable to my own marriage, but true in all relationships: It's easy to think of someone (especially in authority) who has broken trust with many others as toxic, corrosive, and a snake in the grass, but the reality is that we don't tolerate failures of that sort in most of our teachers. One accusation of adultery, hypocrisy, drug use, fornication, racism, sexism, etc., and the only socially acceptable response is to obliterate their image and ruin their formerly respectable value. This book calls that worldly perspective into question.

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

It may turn out that I should only have given this one four, or even three, stars. But by the time I was an hour into her story, I sensed that Gayle Haggard's story is one that all Christians should have foremost in their hearts. Understandably, I detected just a touch of serving self, but any such sense was wiped out by her heartfelt descriptions of here sharing times with her sinful (as are we all) husband. At the end she claimed not to have malice for the overseers of New Life, but one could easily sense her frustration with some of their actions. In the end I suppose the business of New Life had to protect itself ($28 M debt, for instance) against any further erosion caused by its spiritual leader head - even if some business actions appeared less than Biblical in nature.

[Sharon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was expecting a different book. I think the book itself doesn’t really live up to it’s tittle. If anything, the title should have been something like: the process we went through with the church after my husband’s sin was exposed. It was horrible how they were treated, and nothing like I would expect Christian’s to behave, but I guess that’s what happens in churches…people are flawed and make many mistakes, and Christian institutions do as well. I just hope people don’t let these flaws and mistakes keep them from the real truth of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, many people have extreme misconceptions of God due to how people manage churches, and church relationships. People fail to remember that God is Love….

[Hank Pharis · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gayle Haggard's commitment to her marriage is certainly commendable and there are some interesting aspects of this story. However I found her still a little too bitter toward the Elders of their church. I felt her expectations were unrealistic given the failures of her husband and the visibility of his ministry. The higher a leader's visibility the greater the consequences of his fall should be.

(Note: I'm stingy with stars. For me 2 stars means a good book or a B. 3 = Very good or a B+; 4 = Outstanding or an A {only about 5% of the books I read merit this}; 5 = All time favorites or an A+ {one of these may come along every 400-500 books})

[Celeste Swink · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was intriguing seeing the circumstances that were preceding it. Gayle was very open and very honest about everything that happened and the emotions she had/has while walking through it. Although many judge her on her decision to stay with Ted, I just found it interesting to read the process of how she came to that decision. Who knows if it's the right one or not, but she seems to trust in the fact that the trust can somehow be rebuilt. Sad circumstances all around.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very good book for many reasons. I felt strong emotions on various levels while reading it. As a Therapist I frequently cringed in sensing 'codependency'. I was fascinated by the use of EMDR in their treatment. As a Christian I was appalled by 'the church'. I was stunned by the level of forgiveness offered by Gayle and challenged to consider my own judgments and hesitancy to forgive. I'll be processing this book for awhile.