I Know Just What You Mean: The Power of Friendship in Women's Lives

by Ellen Goodman, Patricia O'Brien

Considers the unique elements that make up a friendship between women, incorporating interviews with close friends from all walks of life who became friends in childhood, old age, and after long periods of separation.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, Relationships, Friendship, Book Club

512 pages, Hardcover

First published May 10, 2000

About the author

Ellen Goodman is an American journalist and Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated columnist.

Reviews

[Alexa]

I liked some parts of this book a lot. Others not so interesting. Some of the great quotes...

P 155 "A time of superficiality"  "So we know that women's lives go through a striking number of transitions, none of which may be permanent.  It's no surprise that we leave friends scattered by the roadside.  But life is long, and the transitions that seem so stark at one point in a life may fade.  If there is one thing we have seen it's the possibility and importance of allowing differences, keeping the elasticity of the bounds we don't want to break". 

P 165 "We want it real, not nice, yet it is so hard to stay in the real.  And so hard to hear the real.  The tension between being nice and being real is profound...  Women want friendship to be "nice" too.  In friendships, women tell themselves, relationships can move smoothly.  No conflict need apply.  But real relationships come with inevitable scrapes, nicks and the middle-sized wounds.  They come with disconnection.  They come with conflict and hurt and even betrayal.  "Real" includes everything from a birthday that is forgotten, a criticism that cuts to the quick, a secret accidently blown,  a piece of gossip believed, a promise unfulfilled, a breach of loyalty.  "it is a mistake to believe that intimate friendships will always run smoothly... Long term friendships have their difficult periods, what makes them endure is not the absence of conflict, but the skill of each friend in handling anger and resolving conflicts constructively." 

[Cindy]

Very good book. Not a fluff piece. It caused some self examination of my relationship with Stephanie. "Are We Traveling in Different directions" and "The Bad Stuff" chapters are very potent stuff.

My favorite quote: "Oh, the comfort- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and then with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." -George Eliot

[Karla]

Very heartwarming and endearing
Reminded me of the chicken soup for the soul series with longer narrative
I’d wished the published produced this with larger type as reading on tired eyes made it difficult at times

[Shari]

A very solid exploration of a topic near and dear to women especially. The authors are journalists and write as such. The stories make you admire all these women who invested in their friendships--flaws, failures and all. So worth it in the long run.

[Sarah Ewald]

Make new friends, and keep the old, One is silver and the other is gold.... This is the theme that seems to travel throughout this book. It is the story of Ellen Goodman and Pat O'Brien and also the stories of the many friendships they look at in this book. Stories of childhood friends, as well as those friendships that evolve later in life, at the workplace, as a consequence of husband's friendships, and in many other situations.
As a result of reading this book, I sought out a friend I had long ago shared a locker with at a workplace. I found out that she had passed away several years ago, unbeknownst to me. The take-away from this book is: Don't wait to reach out to your friends. You never know when it will be the last time...

[Cheryl]

This book is an easy read, and a nice feel-good book. I snapped it up from my church's library display shelf on a whim (funny that it was there though, as Christianity is not at all a central topic), and I'm glad I did. It's a good reminder of the benefits of friendship, the roles that friends play throughout our various stages of life, and why we need time with friends. The book includes lots of vignettes of many friend-couples from around the country, and it was fun to get a glimpse into others' relationships. It gave me the opportunity to reflect on my friendships and now I think I appreciate my friends even more than before!

[Tiffany Young]

I really enjoyed hearing all the wonderful stories of women and friendship. I just got back from a trip with my family where we spent three days with my mom's best friend, who she's known since high school and it was fun hearing all their old stories.

[Adrienne]

I read this book every morning for 30 minutes while on the elliptical machine. I laughed, I cried, I called my girlfriends and thanked them for being the support that we need so badly as we ride the roller coaster of life.

[Mary Kenyon]

This was an insightful read, and very well written. The only complaint is there were too many examples of other friendships...At some point I only wanted it to be about Ellen and her friend and the other examples got confusing. A copy of this book is on the way to my friend Mary~

[Colleen]

Interesting look at friendship. Great anecdotes.

[Jennifer]

They really do know just what I mean. I've recommended this to my friends as a great illustration of women's friendships.

[LauraW]

I really liked this book, but I found it discouraging. I want friendships like those in the book and I don't have them.

[Rebecca]

Gave to Molly Howes.

[Sue]

A great study about women and friendship along with insights into the friendship of Patricia O’Brien and Ellen Goodman.

[Maureen]

Boring

[Pam]

A must read. The friendships of women are a special thing.