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How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family
Parenting with Humility...We often realize that we learn as much from our children as they learn from us. So why don't parents approach the task of child-rearing as a learning experience, rather than a mandate to make sure their kids succeed in life?
To reduce the pressure and enjoy greater closeness in your family, turn your parenting upside-down by allowing God to use your children to help you grow up. Imagine what would happen if you began to prize what you're being taught by your children's quirks, failures, and normal childhood dilemmas, rather than worrying about whether you're doing everything right as a parent. Now you can let go of the pressure to make sure your children succeed, and instead learn to grow into spiritual maturity by listening to your children.
To reduce the pressure and enjoy greater closeness in your family, turn your parenting upside-down by allowing God to use your children to help you grow up. Imagine what would happen if you began to prize what you're being taught by your children's quirks, failures, and normal childhood dilemmas, rather than worrying about whether you're doing everything right as a parent. Now you can let go of the pressure to make sure your children succeed, and instead learn to grow into spiritual maturity by listening to your children.
240 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2003
About the author
Dan B. Allender
67 books414 followersDan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
February 1, 2009
This is a typical Allender book where every sentence deserves a life time of pondering...I loved his two basic questions children ask parents - Am I loved? and Can I get my own way? Ultimately we are all asking those questions of God.
April 11, 2012
This was one of the best parenting books I have read. Not a "how to" guide for producing perfect children but a nitty gritty examination of how God equips imperfect parents to raise imperfect children. It is honest, encouraging, helpful and hopeful.
May 14, 2026
Y'all, when you're done strategizing and scheduling and methodizing, and you move to the crying and asking how and why stage of parenting, go read this book.
This book is applicable for parents of any age and stage, though it might not be as helpful in the first few years. This is more of a book about what parenting is as a whole from a biblical perspective. Allender talks extensively about parenting as a means of spiritual growth rather than teaching children. I have grown more as a person through my parenting than through any other relationship or endeavor in my life, and I'm still very early in the process.
This book was such a balm to my soul reminding me that God is here in my parenting and He is kind here too. It both inspired me to do and be better and comforted me for all the ways in which I have failed.
This book is applicable for parents of any age and stage, though it might not be as helpful in the first few years. This is more of a book about what parenting is as a whole from a biblical perspective. Allender talks extensively about parenting as a means of spiritual growth rather than teaching children. I have grown more as a person through my parenting than through any other relationship or endeavor in my life, and I'm still very early in the process.
This book was such a balm to my soul reminding me that God is here in my parenting and He is kind here too. It both inspired me to do and be better and comforted me for all the ways in which I have failed.
February 3, 2015
I vacillated between giving this book two and three stars. Two was the ultimate choice, because I wanted to like this book more than I did. The book has a strong premise: children can help their parents grow into the people God created them to be. However, I think this primary message often gets lost in the meandering content, which I often found disorganized and felt could have benefited from some editorial tightening. I started skimming some of the chapters toward the end, because the philosophical musings didn't interest me.
Although the author directly quotes Scripture throughout the book, he frequently does so indirectly as well. My personal preference is for any Bible passages to be directly quoted (I figure you can't improve on the original), and for the author to then provide their paraphrase and/or interpretation, as he/she is inclined.
As a nonfiction book, I also felt that facts and statistics weren't documented as thoroughly as they should have been. For instance, at one point the author states, "Studies have shown a higher incidence of spousal abuse in cities hosting a professional football game" (p. 208 in my edition). That statement may be true, but are readers expected to take the author's word for it? I know that in this age of Google, it's easy to look up this kind of information. But as a fellow nonfiction author, I feel I owe my readers the courtesy of demonstrating that I have done my research and know my sources, and that I'm not simply spouting "facts" as I recall them.
In summary, I did glean some helpful nuggets of wisdom from this book, but it took a lot of prospecting to find them.
P.S. ***Spoiler alert*** The dragging out of the story of his daughter's arrest over several chapters drove me crazy. As I reader, I felt strung along and hoped against hope that the author didn't use that as some device to keep me reading.
Although the author directly quotes Scripture throughout the book, he frequently does so indirectly as well. My personal preference is for any Bible passages to be directly quoted (I figure you can't improve on the original), and for the author to then provide their paraphrase and/or interpretation, as he/she is inclined.
As a nonfiction book, I also felt that facts and statistics weren't documented as thoroughly as they should have been. For instance, at one point the author states, "Studies have shown a higher incidence of spousal abuse in cities hosting a professional football game" (p. 208 in my edition). That statement may be true, but are readers expected to take the author's word for it? I know that in this age of Google, it's easy to look up this kind of information. But as a fellow nonfiction author, I feel I owe my readers the courtesy of demonstrating that I have done my research and know my sources, and that I'm not simply spouting "facts" as I recall them.
In summary, I did glean some helpful nuggets of wisdom from this book, but it took a lot of prospecting to find them.
P.S. ***Spoiler alert*** The dragging out of the story of his daughter's arrest over several chapters drove me crazy. As I reader, I felt strung along and hoped against hope that the author didn't use that as some device to keep me reading.
October 6, 2026
I read this when my kids were small and made the mental note to reread it as they were entering the teen years….Dan was one of my grad school professors and so when I read his writing I can hear his voice, but I always wonder how others track with his core concepts. I appreciate Dan’s two main questions that kids ask - Am I loved? Can I get my own way? And have seen that play out over and again with my own life and in my kids.
p. 91: Helping our children come to know Jesus is only the first step. The bigger pursuit is that we want them to follow God without compromise. We want them to catch the passion of living boldly and taking big risks as in following God. Try to find a key figure in the Bible, other than Jesus, who followed God without compromise and who was also anything other than a wreck. God’s most ardent disciples, in both the Old and New Testament, are not those whose lives unfold neatly and progress in a straight line. His boldest followers are burdened people, the targets of public opposition, often conflicted within themselves, and seldom the pride of their village or even their faith community. Are we really willing to let our children take big risks and fail at profound and ghastly levels if God uses such failure to draw their hearts to him?
p. 104: Redemption is the soil that enables our children to see our failures and therefore face their own. Redemption also moves an entire family to a level of kindness and honesty where they are unafraid to wrestle with the core issues of our souls.
p. 106: We’re as much made to be independent as we are made to be intimate. Independence calls us to live out the call on our life both in spite of and in light of our commitment to others. It’s the tension that is often felt in this choice: “Shall I do what I want to do, or shall I do what will make you happy?” When it’s taken to a higher level, the question is asked in these terms: “Shall I do what I feel called and what I long to do, or shall I do what promises to bring me the greatest amount of approval from those I love?”
…The tension between intimacy and individuality requires each of us to honestly name and then choose how much intimacy and independence we desire at any one moment. This discussion can’t occur with regard to children unless parents address it. Are we free to differ with each other on significant matters without losing the joy of connection? Are we free to fail one another without fearing the loss of relationship? Can we both be right (or wrong) in a conversation without demanding that one viewpoint overshadow the other? If not, then independence will always exact the high cost of loss of relationship.
p. 109: What I told her was brief and simple: “Amanda, when I’m hurt, I often want someone to pay. But not only does making someone pay add to their pain, but it always comes back to make me even more miserable. I’m glad you can admit you are hurt and angry, and I’m even more glad you’re willing to see that revenge is not what you really want. So stop crying, kid, and help me clean up the garage.”
p. 112: He looked at us young men and said, “Nothing you do will be more important than being fathers, and in nothing will you fail more miserably. Parenting is impossible, so you will need God more than [you will need to be] a good parent.”
p. 119: Hiding is a refusal to own up to who we are, where we are, and what we have done. It’s a flight from the consequences of accountability and responsibility, the products of individuation.
To individuate we must name what is true and then accept the gifts or consequences arising from our actions.
p. 138: We don’t want the child to suffer, and we don’t want to suffer his suffering and ours combined. But an undisciplined child—or one that is enabled to escape the consequences of his actions—is truly an unloved child.
p. 175: To lift a face to God is to hold up to him what is most dear about the person. It is not asking for insight or for change. It is not a humdrum repetition of the same words to the blank silence inside our head. It is a cry and a carrying of our enemy, our friend, our son, our daughter, our spouse to the throne of God. It is in that lifting that I found and heard new levels of my own pride, demands, and fear.
p. 178: There is no creature or creation more worthy of our reflection than our family. Take notes. Keep a journal or a prayer notebook. Cross-reference moments and conversations. If we’re willing to drive…why not at least use the time in the car to consider their words as an invaluable gift? It is through the portal of our children’s words and their faces that we enter the courts of the King.
….Our children raise us to the degree that we are willing to receive them as the gift God gave us to mature us to be like him. We can’t become that person until we welcome our children home. …who is the prodigal in the story of our life? And who is, in fact, the self-righteous elder brother? It is in becoming both the prodigal and the elder brother that we are called to the most serious and eternal act of parenting: the freedom to embrace the grace of God.
p. 201: Our most serious failure is something that seldom crosses our mind: the refusal to play.
p. 202: To live against the grain of our culture, as we must, the serious parent will spend the majority of his or her time in play—whether we’re on the job, running errands, doing household repairs, or playing catch in the backyard. The mature person will see all of life, work, worship, and parenting as a form of play.
p. 91: Helping our children come to know Jesus is only the first step. The bigger pursuit is that we want them to follow God without compromise. We want them to catch the passion of living boldly and taking big risks as in following God. Try to find a key figure in the Bible, other than Jesus, who followed God without compromise and who was also anything other than a wreck. God’s most ardent disciples, in both the Old and New Testament, are not those whose lives unfold neatly and progress in a straight line. His boldest followers are burdened people, the targets of public opposition, often conflicted within themselves, and seldom the pride of their village or even their faith community. Are we really willing to let our children take big risks and fail at profound and ghastly levels if God uses such failure to draw their hearts to him?
p. 104: Redemption is the soil that enables our children to see our failures and therefore face their own. Redemption also moves an entire family to a level of kindness and honesty where they are unafraid to wrestle with the core issues of our souls.
p. 106: We’re as much made to be independent as we are made to be intimate. Independence calls us to live out the call on our life both in spite of and in light of our commitment to others. It’s the tension that is often felt in this choice: “Shall I do what I want to do, or shall I do what will make you happy?” When it’s taken to a higher level, the question is asked in these terms: “Shall I do what I feel called and what I long to do, or shall I do what promises to bring me the greatest amount of approval from those I love?”
…The tension between intimacy and individuality requires each of us to honestly name and then choose how much intimacy and independence we desire at any one moment. This discussion can’t occur with regard to children unless parents address it. Are we free to differ with each other on significant matters without losing the joy of connection? Are we free to fail one another without fearing the loss of relationship? Can we both be right (or wrong) in a conversation without demanding that one viewpoint overshadow the other? If not, then independence will always exact the high cost of loss of relationship.
p. 109: What I told her was brief and simple: “Amanda, when I’m hurt, I often want someone to pay. But not only does making someone pay add to their pain, but it always comes back to make me even more miserable. I’m glad you can admit you are hurt and angry, and I’m even more glad you’re willing to see that revenge is not what you really want. So stop crying, kid, and help me clean up the garage.”
p. 112: He looked at us young men and said, “Nothing you do will be more important than being fathers, and in nothing will you fail more miserably. Parenting is impossible, so you will need God more than [you will need to be] a good parent.”
p. 119: Hiding is a refusal to own up to who we are, where we are, and what we have done. It’s a flight from the consequences of accountability and responsibility, the products of individuation.
To individuate we must name what is true and then accept the gifts or consequences arising from our actions.
p. 138: We don’t want the child to suffer, and we don’t want to suffer his suffering and ours combined. But an undisciplined child—or one that is enabled to escape the consequences of his actions—is truly an unloved child.
p. 175: To lift a face to God is to hold up to him what is most dear about the person. It is not asking for insight or for change. It is not a humdrum repetition of the same words to the blank silence inside our head. It is a cry and a carrying of our enemy, our friend, our son, our daughter, our spouse to the throne of God. It is in that lifting that I found and heard new levels of my own pride, demands, and fear.
p. 178: There is no creature or creation more worthy of our reflection than our family. Take notes. Keep a journal or a prayer notebook. Cross-reference moments and conversations. If we’re willing to drive…why not at least use the time in the car to consider their words as an invaluable gift? It is through the portal of our children’s words and their faces that we enter the courts of the King.
….Our children raise us to the degree that we are willing to receive them as the gift God gave us to mature us to be like him. We can’t become that person until we welcome our children home. …who is the prodigal in the story of our life? And who is, in fact, the self-righteous elder brother? It is in becoming both the prodigal and the elder brother that we are called to the most serious and eternal act of parenting: the freedom to embrace the grace of God.
p. 201: Our most serious failure is something that seldom crosses our mind: the refusal to play.
p. 202: To live against the grain of our culture, as we must, the serious parent will spend the majority of his or her time in play—whether we’re on the job, running errands, doing household repairs, or playing catch in the backyard. The mature person will see all of life, work, worship, and parenting as a form of play.
July 13, 2012
I haven't read a parenting book in years, but this one is refreshing in many ways, esp. the two questions Allender points to as those kids most want answers to: Am I loved and Can I get my way? Good parenting deals with these head on and constantly...and should show our kids that, yes, they are madly loved, by both us and God, and, no, getting their way is not going to happen when it is a bad idea.
October 21, 2009
Still one of the best books I've read on parenting - it's not a how to be the best parent book instead it is encouragement and teaching how to learn and enjoy and live and love freely. Reading it made me thankful again that God has given the gift of our boys to us. Parenting is HARD but oh so RICH!
July 5, 2011
A great framework for thinking about parenting. (9/10)
June 18, 2022
Dan Allender is a hero of mine. He always brings me to tears. This book was short but to the point and is a great paradigm shift.
February 8, 2015
In his thoughtful book How Children Raise Parents: The Art of Listening to Your Family, Dan Allender posits that while we think of parents as raising children, in fact children often “raise” us by showing us our weaknesses and faults and challenging us to examine our thoughts and beliefs in deeper ways.
Allender believes that at root children are asking parents “Am I loved?” and “Can I get what I want?” and that parents have to navigate the answers to those questions through the lens of the Gospel and in different ways for different children and different stages. He makes a strong point about our role as parents being to help our children grow in the gifts and talents God gives each one uniquely, rather than forcing our kids into whatever mold we grew up with or our personal subculture demands.
{Read my full review here}
Allender believes that at root children are asking parents “Am I loved?” and “Can I get what I want?” and that parents have to navigate the answers to those questions through the lens of the Gospel and in different ways for different children and different stages. He makes a strong point about our role as parents being to help our children grow in the gifts and talents God gives each one uniquely, rather than forcing our kids into whatever mold we grew up with or our personal subculture demands.
{Read my full review here}
September 19, 2013
A challenging thought provoking read about what we are learning from our children in who we are. That children are asking 2 fundamental questions. Am I loved? and Can I get my own way? and how parenting is a navigating through the need for deep love but also the recognition that getting their own way often does not lead to the best for them. That a fundamental part of being a parent is to reveal the character of God who both deeply loves us but also calls us often out of getting our own selfish ways onto His way. But also it is a call to recognise we will fail and that in our failing with our children we must ask what we are learning from them about ourselves that needs God's transforming touch. It's the sort of book that warrants reading more than than once to plumb it's depths.
August 29, 2014
in my opinion, this was a ground-breaking book. There are only 2 other books about being an effective underling that i know of (from a business standpoint): Courageous Follower and Called to Serve. Now i consider this the third: how our kids--even and especially those who act out and have issues--can and do form character in us. It is about allowing the experience of having children that can teach us to also become better and more effective followers ourselves. It is an invitation to let others teach us and form us, even unlikely sources. Well worth reading.
October 19, 2017
This is a TERRIFIC book for all parents. Allender is honest (brutally and beautifully so) and challenging while managing to provide mercy and a compelling vision for what being a parent can mean for kids and for the parent themselves. A whole bunch of great one liners/quotables, terrific personal stories, and also practical parenting material. If you're looking for specific "foolproof" tactics, look elsewhere. But if you're looking to develop a richer view of parenthood and all it can mean, look no further.
July 28, 2010
Allender addresses the idea that God uses our children to "grow us up" in Him. He acknowledges that we will never, despite all our good intentions, be perfect parents. Failure is simply a part of parenthood. But we can learn how to hear our children's voices as they point us to Christ. Not much of a practical parenting guide for sure, but food for thought and something I will definitely come back to again as my children get older.
September 11, 2013
The author does not have a "10 Step Plan" for being a better parent. Instead, he tells us some stories of when he got parenting right and when he got it wrong. I have just begun my parenting journey, and I am already seeing how I'm doing things right in some cases and wrong in others. It was a good encouragement of how to continue and get better.
October 11, 2016
Solidly encouraging, challenging and helpful parenting book. I read and discussed this with a group of parents and we all appreciated the author's thoughts and ideas. Basically, he advocates giving kids love and structure, while taking advantage of your relationship with your child/ren to mature as a person.
February 7, 2008
This book will shake the foundation of your parenting, especially if you are like me and enjoy rules and lists. Parenting is impossible, he says. Amen! But through relationship and engagement, we as parents grow and love our kids well.
August 28, 2010
It was a refreshing change of pace from the typical parenting book full of principles and how-to's. He addresses how your children affect you and are given to be part of God's story for your heart as much as you are a part of shaping theirs.
July 14, 2011
This book is one of the best parenting books I've ever read. Especially concerning your spirituality and how it affects your children's lives and their spiritual journey. I recommend it to every person who is or will be a parent!
August 14, 2011
was NOT a parenting "how-to" as much as an encouragement to KNOW your children and parent them as well as you can... I'd recommend this to anyone with kids!! (it is from a Christian perspective, but useful stuff for any parent, i think.)
September 7, 2012
Good stuff. Read it in our small group, so there was some good conversation, too. The basic premise questions (what our kids are constantly asking) 1: Do you love me? 2: Can I have my own way? really spoke to me.
May 26, 2015
Part of this book are great, others are very frustrating. Overall worth the time and the effort though. Not much really out there like this. Helpful in provoking more intentionalality in how I am raising my children and how they contribute GREATLY to my sanctification.
June 19, 2007
A very poetic and moving look at parenting, and what it is really all about.
October 15, 2007
i recommend this to every parent I know
Read
March 25, 2009It's been over a year and I'm still reading this bit by bit because it's so dense with good thoughts.
January 6, 2010
Read portions w/ Jaimie & Krissi in 2010
Referenced in Scott Sauls' "Jesus Outside the Lines" pg 85
Referenced in Scott Sauls' "Jesus Outside the Lines" pg 85
November 15, 2010
This book is not a how-to on parenting, but talks about how parenting is an impossible job to do. Children really do help us in our sanctification process. Awesome book!
January 5, 2012
Worth reading even though kids are grown. Lots of wisdom yet to be gleaned from Dan Allender that I can use as a grandparent. Wish this book had been around when I was a young parent.
July 8, 2013
One of my favorite parenting books! It's helpful for a long-term vision, which the parenting journey requires.
March 16, 2014
A fresh look at parenting and how the unique bent of our children shapes us, and not the other way around. Lots of wonderful insight and wisdom to be gleaned!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews