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You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up

3.4  ·  Rating details ·  3,314 Ratings  ·  180 Reviews
You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is the laugh-out-loud story of an attractive Los Angeles woman who found herself in the predicament of being an unwilling virgin. As an actress, writer, and stand-up comedienne, Heather McDonald passed up ample opportunities to have her V-card revoked by handsome, rich, and sometimes even fabulously famous men, but she could not br ...more
Audio CD, 0 pages
Published October 25th 2011 by Brilliance Audio (first published May 20th 2010)
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Community Reviews

(showing 1-30)
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Kelly Houser
Oct 24, 2010 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First,
...more
James Burkhalter
Jun 27, 2010 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: young women, "Chelsea Lately" fans, anyone looking for a laugh
Shelves: biographical
What an appropriate title for Heather "LongBoobs" McDonald's new book! I sped through several chapters on Heather's past (sexless) relationships, eager to see exactly how she lost her virginity at age 27, and when the moment of truth finally comes, the entire ordeal is described in ONE MEASLY SENTENCE! Of course, as we all know, Heather ultimately got her happy ending with a loving husband and children, but that part of her life is described in give-or-take 15 pages. As the title promises, I lit ...more
G
Jun 09, 2010 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
You’ll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again: One Woman’s Painfully Funny Quest To Give It Up by Heather McDonald in a word, was, disappointing. I am so sorry to have to tell you this, because not only do I love Heather “Longboobs” McDonald, and love her work on Chelsea Lately, but because I love recommending funny books to my readers, and I can’t say this was a funny book. Trust me, I am as disappointed and shocked as you are.

Don’t get me wrong, this book does have some funny moments, and it has
...more
Mediaman
This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being strangely intriguing. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't one.

Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps with gu
...more
Kara Kelly
Jan 20, 2011 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
This book was not nearly as funny as I thought it would be. I thought since she was a comedian with Chelsea Handler that it would have some semblance of humor; however, I was wrong. It is not funny. Sure, there are a couple funny one liners, but that's it. All she talks about is being in a sorority at USC and her experiences dating people who wanted to have sex with her, but she held onto her V-Card. When the time did come that she lost her virginity, it was only a small paragraph about it. The ...more
Stuart
May 10, 2011 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Really between 2 and 3 stars for me. I enjoyed it. Although I have the feeling if you asked me about it next week I might be hard pressed to tell you that much about it. While working it out though, it was an enjoyable and quick read. She's pretty funny. Her writing is, even though it feels as if she's continually setting up her own jokes, funny. You got to give it up (see what I did there, aren't I fucking clever!) for a girl who doesn't lose her V until she's 27.

**This is also My Lovely Bride
...more
Cori
Aug 13, 2010 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
I read this book for the sole reason that Heather McDonald is a friend of Chelsea Handler, not to mention a writer on her show. Although it seems this book was an attempt to write in the style of Ms. Handler, the tangents and less interesting stories was a bit of a letdown. If I was asked why I fell this book did not live up to Ms. Handler's books, I would say that Ms. Handler is more willing to be candid and honest, while Ms. McDonald seemed to be holding back.

The charm of Ms. Handler's books
...more
Rebecca
Apr 19, 2012 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: chicklit, tv
This book was written by one of the comedians that is on Chelsea Lately a lot. And while I can't stand the show (or Chelsea) I really enjoyed this book a lot. I liked the way it was written, very conversational-style as well as the topic. While dated a lot, Girl was a virgin until she was like 27. It was a very LA-based book, what with Girl growing up in the Valley and going to school at USC (puke) and of course, staying in LA, trying to make it as an actress/writer/comedian. After a while, the ...more
Laura Hancock
I really wished this book could have been funnier because I wanted to like it more than I did.

It's the story about comedian Heather McDonald, a writer for Chelsie Lately, and her quest to not give it up until she's met the right guy, which doesn't happen until she's 27 years old. Yet she's in Hollywood and she's a very sexual woman. She just the queen of blue balling.

I think all women could learn from McDonald. I don't think we blue ball enough, personally. McDonald had this impressive ability
...more
Brooke Bove
Dec 31, 2011 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: memoirs, humor
The premise for this book is that Heather was a virgin until she was 27. In Hollywood! While trying to make it as a comic and a writer! This is the story of how she eventually lost her virginity and met the man of her dreams, who eventually became her husband. It's a modern day love story - with a lot of dry humping.

Heather's choices for the stories to tell about men she dated are great - all of the men are different, but none are total cliches, which I kind of expected. None are totally one-dim
...more
Erin
Sep 27, 2010 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Blech. Reading this book was like eating leftovers that have been sitting in the fridge too long... I feel like I need to read something good to get the taste out of my mouth. I picked this up because I wanted something silly and mindless to read when I wasn't feeling well. Now I remember why I don't read vapid books - the dialogue was stilted, the grammar was atrocious, and quite frankly, this lady needs a reality check. Thumbs down.
Michelle
This book was not as laugh-out-loud funny to me as the Chelsea Handler books, but it was still a funny read. As others have said though, and as weird as it may sound to say, I wish she had spent a little bit more time on when she gave up her virginity. It was kind of blase, and after waiting 27 years, I would have expected a bigger response...or at least more than a paragraph. All in all it was a good read, and another one I can check off my to-be-read list.
Gina Hawk
Aug 12, 2010 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
This book had me laughing out loud often and I found myself relating to some of the situations, saying "I've done that!"
Andrew Shanks
Mar 26, 2017 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
I'm not sure if this book was about being an older virgin, losing her virginity or her dating life. I missed the humor of hers that has made me enjoy her comedy specials. I wish there had been more of that in this book. I've her speak about her dating experiences and thought she tells them much better live than written.
Kate
Jun 28, 2013 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
so maybe the books that I read are somewhat smart, witty, and funny even if they are low-brow lol. This one wasn't bad, some things I want to remember about Heather/her book:
1. Every time she goes home for Thanksgiving she winds up passed out in her childhood bedroom with cheerleading ribbons spinning around the room etc. lol. my bedroom at my mom's is like a guest bedroom now, but I can sympathize.
2. When she described how her parents fight with her dad being a former marine and her mom missing
...more
Lauren
Jan 27, 2013 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2013-reads, humor, memoirs
You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is a book chronicling Heather McDonald’s love life through her teens and 20’s. Heather, in a quest to save her virginity until she met someone truly special, wound up a 27 year old virgin known around the LA area for her “blue-balling” techniques.

McDonald, a comedian and Chelsea Lately regular, paints a tale of her frustrated dates, disappointing start in show biz, and real estate mogul aspirations.

The cover for this book is intriguing, and I always lo
...more
Mandy
Please see my site The Well-Read Wife for more reviews.
Before this summer, I had never heard of Heather McDonald (my cable provider does not provide E!). However, apparently everyone else had. So, every bookstore I entered in the month of June proudly had McDonald’s book (on the cover she is lounging suggestively on top of a pile of blue balls) displayed front and center. I eventually gave in to temptation (unlike Heather, I’ve never been one to resist a blue ball) and purchased a copy.

Heather M
...more
Pat
Mar 01, 2013 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: tv, sex
From Chelsea Lately, writer/comedian Heather McDonald details her life as a privileged, well-to-do woman born into L.A. and pursuing her career goals while remaining a virgin through most of her 20s.

It's a thin premise, and rambling at times, despite the book's brevity. McDonald's sense of humor doesn't always translate well to the page, because it's harder to intuit when she is being self-deprecating or intentionally ridiculous than it is when she is on TV.

McDonald's best contribution is being
...more
Eric Klee
May 22, 2013 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Like probably most people, I had never heard of Heather McDonald before Chelsea Handler's late night talk show. Then I went to see Chelsea live once when she was on tour and Heather McDonald was the opening act. Heather does very well at stand-up comedy and her storytelling, so it made me go out and buy her book(s). In this, her first crack at a humor book, her thoughts tend to ramble and get off track, but she does bring you back to the original story and finish it, so you're not left hanging. ...more
Anne
Jul 18, 2011 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
I wanted something quick and funny to read. Written by one of Chelsea Handler's TV-show writers, I figured this would be just the thing. And content-wise, it was. I just had to keep hiding the cover from everyone around me at the airport, and hope no one asked what I was reading. The basis premise of this book is that the author waited until she was 27 years old to lose her virginity. So, she spends chapter after chapter talking about her various boyfriends and hook-ups and the effects of tellin ...more
Bridget
Jun 04, 2013 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
I don't know what I expected. Heather McDonald is definitely one of my least favorite people on the Chelsea Lately round table, but somehow I thought the book would be better.

Part of the problem might have been that I listened to this in audio book and there were several "typo"-ish situations in her reading. Mispronounced words, clearly left out words, a slight lisp, I think? It just wasn't all that pleasant to listen to.

Also, while McDonald is not my favorite on the show, I still do think she
...more
Aaron
Aug 24, 2012 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
I listened to this as an audiobook for two reasons. 1. I found Sarah Colonna's and Chelsea Handler's books of the same milieu entertaining, and 2. I had a very long road trip from New England to Florida, and books that are too literary take my focus off driving, something you don't want through that boring, interminable slog between Washington DC and Jacksonville, Florida. This was perfect for that and served it's purpose well. If you like to laugh and like sex, you will probably be entertained ...more
Shauna
Mar 07, 2014 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
I think my biggest issue with these books is that I love Chelsea Handler books. I expect the books that are promoted by her to be just as good, and so far, all of them that I have read have failed miserably. This book is no exception. It is not a 'bad book' but it is not a good book either. While I was reading this book, I kept wondering why the editor hadn't done their job. And I don't even know if she had an editor, it was just my first thought. The chapter structures were horrible. She would ...more
Amanda
Jul 22, 2014 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
I really like Heather McDonald and was actually disappointed with the book. In the book I was so annoyed with her, probably b/c I was never in a sorority and am not into expensive type men. She seemed like a gold digger that wouldn't put out. And when does lose her virginity, it was like ok done, and that was it. My first time, hurt a lot! and the person had to stop/slow down, so I can't imagine having a first time with someone and playing it off to the point of everything is normal. I just felt ...more
Rachel
Nov 14, 2014 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
The last book I rated got three stars, too -- I loved the topic, but reading it felt like a chore. This is the opposite of that kind of book. I could easily read it and keep coming back to it... but I don't think I liked Heather. Actually, I KNOW I didn't like her.

The book covers her virginal dating woes until she gets married. My problem with Heather is she goes for cheapshots. I can't even remember how many times she insulted people's weights and I just couldn't care if someone she met was in
...more
SeaShore
Jan 19, 2017 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
This is Heather McDonald's memoir. I am reading a part where her ex, Matt is now managing a catering company. He was 25 when she first met him.

Now she is 28 and Matt wants her to meet a friend who is 33 years old and whose girlfriend had just dumped him. October 1998.

A date is set for December 1998.

If a guy wants to kiss her, she says, he just should do it and not ask. She made out with him on that first date and said he would call the next day and he didn't.

But he calls and a date is planned fo
...more
Danielle Allen
After finishing this memoir, I still feel like I don't really "get" the author, and for me, that is essential. I don't have to agree with them, or even really like them, but I have to understand why they would feel and act the way that they did.

When I finished this book, I was still completely perplexed by the authors life choices. I don't want to spoil it, so I'll just say that I never felt like there was much introspection or dialogue with the reader about her decisions, and overall the book
...more
Janice Nicholson
Dec 30, 2012 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
This is probably one of the worst books I have ever read. Completed it for a book club discussion otherwise I would not have read to the end. Heather McDonald's story is one of little humor and disorganized thought. The most offensive part of her writing is how she talks about other women, often categorizing them by appearance or by what sorority house they would have belonged to at her alma mater USC. It is extremely immature and lacks any insight which is disappointing considering the age of t ...more
Austin
Dec 28, 2013 rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
Robyn
Jul 04, 2013 rated it it was ok  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: ebook, audiobook
This book made me feel "blue-balled". It was terrible! I read Heather's latest novel (My Inappropriate Life: Some Material Not Suitable for Small Children, Nuns, or Mature Adults) before reading this one. Her other novel was better and funnier than this one, though I only gave the other one 3 stars. Heather is funny, but I thought the stories would be funnier in this book - the stories of Heather's 20's and how she remained a virgin for most of them. This book rambles on and on like a big run on ...more
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