The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up

by Barbara K. Hofer, Abigail Sullivan Moore

Launched on the CBS Early Show and featured in the Los Angeles Times , People , and the Chicago Tribune , among other major media, The iConnected Parent is the first book to present groundbreaking information and interviews on how much is too much connection between parents and kids in the college years and beyond.

“Just let go!” That’s what parents have been told to do when their kids go to college. But in our speed-dial culture, with BlackBerries and even Skype, parents and kids are now more than ever in constant contact. Today’s iConnected parents say they are closer to their kids than their parents were to them—and this generation of families prefers it that way. Parents are their children’s mentors, confidants, and friends—but is this good for the kids? Are parents really letting go—and does that matter?

Dr. Barbara Hofer, a Middlebury College professor of psychology, and Abigail Sullivan Moore, a journalist who has reported on college and high school trends for the New York Times, answer these questions and more in their groundbreaking, compelling account of both the good and the bad of close communication in the college years and beyond. An essential assessment of the state of parent-child relationships in an age of instant communication, The iConnected Parent goes beyond sounding the alarm about the ways many young adults are failing to develop independence to describe the healthy, mutually fulfilling relationships that can emerge when families grow closer in our wired world.

Communicating an average of thirteen times a week, parents and their college-age kids are having a hard time letting go. Hofer’s research and Moore’s extensive reporting reveal how this trend is shaping families, schools, and workplaces, and the challenge it poses for students with mental health and learning issues. Until recently, students handled college on their own, learning life’s lessons and growing up in the process. Now, many students turn to their parents for instant answers to everyday questions. “My roommate’s boyfriend is here all the time and I have no privacy! What should I do?” “Can you edit my paper tonight? It’s due tomorrow.” “What setting should I use to wash my jeans?” And Mom and Dad are not just the Google and Wikipedia for overcoming daily pitfalls; Hofer and Moore have discovered that some parents get involved in unprecedented ways, phoning professors and classmates, choosing their child’s courses, and even crossing the lines set by university honor codes with the academic help they provide. Hofer and Moore offer practical advice, from the years before college through the years after graduation, on how parents can stay connected to their kids while giving them the space they need to become independent adults.

Cell phones and laptops don’t come with parenting instructions. The iConnected Parent is an invaluable guide for any parent with a child heading to or already on campus.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

288 pages, Paperback

First published August 10, 2010

Reviews

[Sue Seligman]

I started this book over the weekend...and boy does it hit home. The ties between parents and their children are so much tighter these days, even tighter than 5 years ago when our oldest went to college. Now communication is literally at our fingertips with e mail, IM, texting, video chat (although I don't know how to do that...lol). This book shows how difficult it is to break the ties between the generations as this year's freshmen go off to college. Not only do parents have difficulty letting go, but so do their kids. Back in the dark ages, when I went to school, if I called home once a week, it was a lot, and it was like pulling teeth to get through a conversation with my over-protective mother without fighting. Now, according to these authors, both kids and parents have difficulty breaking the apron strings. It si not unusual for kids and parents to be in touch more than once every day with the use of technology. This close contact can impede the children from becoming independent and being able to successfully solve their own problems. Even though I recognize myself throughout the book so far, I feel it is an important book for me to read as I prepare to say goodbye to my baby as he leaves for his freshman year at a school 4 hours away...more later when I finish the book.

[Amy]

Why did I read this? I must have been feeling anxious (2017 comment).

[Wendy]

A must read for all parents sending children off or are currently in college

[Karen]

Written by a Middlebury psychologist… interesting view for new college parents

[Jeanne Ridley]

Good read for parents of incoming college freshman. Recommended by the college our student will be attending.

[David]

interesting discussion of observations and some survey research done at Middlebury College and U. Michigan re the +/- associated with tech-enhanced frequent communication between parents and college students. They address some special situations (medical issues, learning disorders, divorced parents) but main focus is on the effect of near-universal cell phone access, Facebook, BFF-parenting and such on keeping parents and college students in more frequent communication than was characteristic of prior generations.

Somewhat repetitive presentation, and the gist is not too amazing if you work at a college, but the anecdotes were often interesting. If you are a parent tempted to intervene with university administration to ask them to get your daughter's friends to stop gossiping about her, or you are a student unable to figure out what to eat for lunch in the cafeteria without checking in with the parents, you need to read this book and get a grip!

[Jo]

Expanding on studies conducted at Middlebury College and later at University of Michigan, the authors take a look at communication between parents and children at college in the age of i-connecting. They found a huge increase in calls, texts, emails and skyping coming from both directions in recent years-- so much so, that the differentiation that has been the hallmark of the college years and the doorstep to adulthood is not happening for a large number of students. According to the authors, this is not a good thing-- and hampers students both academically and personally in finding their own way forward. The book is full of interesting and useful material, but also so many redundancies that I read it rather rapidly and only rated it a 3.

[Denise]

This book is an interesting study of how communication habits have changed between college students and their parents in the last five years or so. Cell phones and email mean that parents and students can stay connected as never before, but the authors suggest that maintaining bonds at high school levels of frequency is not healthy for either party. Employers report dealing with new college grads who simply haven't matured properly. An interesting read if this stage is in your near future!

[Paula Schuck]

What happens to helicopter parents and their children in a communications age when the children leave for college? Interesting study and interviews with surprising results.

[Claudia]

Surprising - read at the right time for discussion with my daughter heading to college in the fall.

[Jacquie]

Very repetitive -- gave up after half the book

[Alyson]

Highly recommended for parents of teens! Although the topic is connection with your college kids, read this while they are in high school and think ahead.

[Suzanne]

Interesting read regarding the impact that technology (cell phones, in particular) has on the growth of independence.

[Valerie]

Some great stuff, some excellent bits of advice, but a bit repetitive. Definitely worth reading for parents sending a kid off to college.

[serena]

Required parental reading.

[Kristy]

I read this book for work. Good insight and pieces for me to use. I did find it a bit too long and a little repetitive.