Death Without Denial, Grief Without Apology: A Guide for Facing Death and Loss

by Barbara K. Roberts, Ann Jackson

When former Oregon Governor Barbara Roberts' husband, Frank Roberts, was dying from lung cancer, she had to look inside of herself as well as beyond herself to find ways to survive what felt unbearable. What Barbara Roberts learned during the final year of her husband's life, and her subsequent years of grieving, fill the pages of this honest and inspiring new book.

At the time of Frank's cancer recurrence, Barbara was governor of Oregon, and Frank was an Oregon State Senator—both passionately committed to their work and to one another. Together they had faced many challenges, but Frank's impending death would be their final, and perhaps their most trying and enriching journey. The Roberts turned to hospice for guidance and assistance once Frank decided to stop medical intervention.

This practical and compassionate guide looks at the personal as well as the societal issues surrounding death and grief. Written for both the individual facing death and for those who must grieve after a death, Roberts offers readers enthusiastic support to abandon the silence that too often accompanies impending death and those who must grieve. Chapter titles include "A Culture in Denial," "Hospice," and "Permission to be Weird."

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction

100 pages, Paperback

First published January 24, 2002

Reviews

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the author's story of her older husband's end-of-life experience and her grief process which followed.
Pros: "Those of us who have experienced this personal trauma (a loved one's terminal illness and the subsequent grief) have an obligation to reach out and to speak up. If our culture is ever going to treat the dying process with respect and openness, we must not be afraid to speak frankly about what we have experienced.
For instance, hospice programs and what they do are unknown or poorly understood by many who need their services. Those of who have been privileged to have a loved one die under the care and support of hospice must share this...to help make hospice more available and better understood."

I also liked that she said that when you know someone who has suffered a loss, reach out to them and help them how you can. Not to do so is isolating and hurtful. And-this is HUGE: if you know someone who is dying, do not be afraid to visit them and their family members.

Cons: She mentioned that when her husband was dying, there were several close family members and friends who never left his side. He probably wanted to be left alone. Most end-of-life books which discuss this will tell you that the dying person should be left alone to rest as much as possible, and that is true for the very end, too. Maybe her husband had made it very clear that these were not his wishes, but usually, hospice will tell you to leave the person alone in peace and not to "hover".
Also, I didn't want to read about the assisted-suicide issue and learn her feelings about it, but that is in here, too.
We all grieve in our own way is this book in a nutshell, and it gets better with time (the grief, not the book). And it cannot be said enough that if it's an option, hospice is really such a humane and beautiful option and makes it so much easier for the dying and the loved ones. Don't be scared of it. In my experience, it's the best gift you can give your dying loved one. And as a result, it turns out to be a gift and comfort to the loved ones left behind, as well.

[Lisa VS · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good and not easy - as this should be, to me. Written by the former Governor of Oregon.

[Sarah Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. I wish I would have known about it before my Dad passed. It definitely could have helped us have those tougher conversations and avoid regrets and guilty afterwards.

[Jill Dolan · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE handbook on death and dying, Barbara Roberts did a superb job of documenting the process from beginning to end. She does so in an educated, empathetic, and compassionate manor. Her heartbreak is palpable and real. I read this book while my husband was dying of cancer, and the book is still in my nightstand 13 years later. It basically saved my sanity, and helped me survive my husbands death. I ran into the author in a elevator years ago, and regret not thanking her for saving me....Thank you Barbara Roberts for your kindness, and I am sorry for your loss...

[Doranne Long · Rating 5 out of 5]

This well-written book is my favorite to-date on death and dying, as it so closely parallels the death of my own dad. With patience, love, knowledge, and the assistance of others, including family, friends, Hospice and other health care providers, death can be experienced, survived, with new life following.

[Carolyn Hansen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't necessarily agree with everything Roberts believes . . . but I wish I had read this book during my husband's illness. It would be very useful for planning ahead, i.e., "facing death" as it says in the title.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A real, candid story of Barbara Roberts' experience with her husband's death. An important read for those going through this phase of life with a loved one.