The Places That Scare Us: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron

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The Places That Scare Us: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron

Imcreatingmyself I am in a constant state of change. Some of it is by choice, most of it is forced by circumstances. I’m aging, lol, so I can’t eat the things I use to. I’m aging so I have to work out… Or some mornings I wake up and it feels like some parts of my body are going to give up. I was watching a documentary on Misty Copeland eating candy cursing myself for not going to the gym more consistently. Did I say consistently. I don’t think I’ve been in almost two weeks. There was a snow storm… But that’s not an excuse. LOL!

Anyway, I think I know the way, something inside is telling me which way to go… But I’ve been so hurt in the directions I’ve chosen, I’m afraid to take another step forward. I don’t know how I will survive the suffering. So I’ve been seeking advice on how to move into the path I’m being nudged to go on. I find when I tell friends what choices I’m facing, they are dismissive of my apprehension. I wonder if they recognize how much struggle I’ve gone through and how much more I’d be taking on. When they are like, just move in the direction. I need a place to give me courage to move… I don’t know. I need a place where people sympathize with the struggle. Where we don’t pretend everything is amazing when it fucking sucks.

I need to know what to do, other than complain, when life fucking sucks. I need tools. I need a new way of thinking. I’ve been meditating and doing stream of consciousness writing every day… I have become more active, but I’ve also become a little anxious and impatient. I’m hurting just considering all the ways I will have to be different and all the people I will have to let go. Everyone can’t go with you. Sometimes you can’t even take yourself, the self you’ve been.

I Googled, how to deal with fear, and it offered this book, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. I’ve heard of Pema Chodron and I think I’ve read some of her quotes and loved them. There are other books on the subject, but I didn’t feel they would work for who I am, how I am and who I’m becoming. By Pema Chodron

I recently learned, that the idea of happy endings is basically great marketing. It’s right up there with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and then the idea of heaven. It makes hard when we think we deserve things or that because of something we did or didn’t do life is hard. The truth is, life is life. Some children have never harmed a soul but are born in warring nations, sometimes they are forced to become warriors sometimes they are killed by stray bullets. We don’t always get what we deserve. We all deserve to be happy, loved, loving and to feel safe. We all deserve people to support and encourage our dreams. We all deserve to find out how our individuality helps all of humanity reach and retain certain goals. This is our life purpose. We all deserve to feel we have a purpose. Unfortunately, life is always going to have its drawbacks. Because life is not the Utopian reality I describe, there are large amounts of dysfunction. So the goal is to learn how to remain positive, adaptable and grateful in those moments. The goal is to still fulfill our life purpose and create our happiness… I guess. I don’t know shit.

One of my greatest hopes is that one day I will be financially free and that I will own more of my time. As a writer who does research I’ve looked into what happens to people who become rich. It doesn’t mean this is my fate, but it is nice to get an idea of what you are asking for and some of the common pitfalls.

Let’s take the millionaire dream.

You become a millionaire and all your financial issues are resolved. Every time someone calls you, it isn’t to say hello or to invite you to hang out… It’s to borrow money, ask for money or pitch you a business plan. Depending on how you got the money, they may be asking you to give someone a job or help someone else out. Maybe because you’ve made it in a field they think you have the key to the magic door where anyone who ever wrote a book just needs to go in this door. They don’t understand that you are still working and creating within a process. They may not see all the hard work you actually had to do to get there… And though you may know a lot of people, you realize those people don’t want to be called and bothered every time your cousin tells you they know the next best whoever.

Friends On Private Plane Then you want to travel, but who is going with you? Yes you can go by yourself. I love traveling for research by myself. I like going somewhere with a purpose. I can’t imagine just hanging out alone in Paris. So who would you invite? But now, none of the people you love have as much free time or money as you have at your disposal. Yes, you could pay their way. Initially it’s great. But after a while they start to feel some kind of way about you picking up the tab. Maybe they feel guilty or they resent you. Either way, the trips get weird and you decide why continue paying for everyone’s unhappiness. Not to mention, you are becoming ashamed of your accomplishments. You sharing how your life is improving comes across of bragging… But who do you tell if you can’t tell a friend?

If you are famous, even though you may want a regular house in a nice residential neighborhood, reporters, fans and people trying to make it themselves won’t respect your privacy. They will walk right up to your front door or into your garage. Reporters will be taking pictures of you all the time, or sitting on your lawn or the sidewalk and demanding you answer their questions. You’d have to make sure all your blinds or closed because there would be people always peering in, just curious about who you are.

Now what about this budget you initially had. Where you weren’t going to allow capitalism to rule your life. You know, the one where you determined how much money you needed to make each month until the day you die, based on you keeping reasonable living expenses? You’d given yourself $5,000 a month and thought that was too generous. Hiring around the clock security is expensive for one person. At the same time, it’s kind of pointless cause you are living in an open neighborhood.

Large House Model To save money it is better to move to a community that is already secure so you can share the security expense. The new neighborhood and community come with a completely different lifestyle. Your new life style requires $15,000 a month at minimum, this only covers your high mortgage and all the homeowner association dues. You didn’t mind doing your own gardening, in fact you enjoyed it and found it grounded you. It was a great way to meditate. That was when it was a manageable size. Now it’s acres of trees, plants and grass. You liked cutting your own grass and if you were away you could pay about $60 for a neighbor or someone to help. Now this new neighborhood has an association that requires a full time landscaping crew. They only have large homes. So your heating and cooling bills are what most people are paying for their mortgages.

Then the people who were already rich may or may not welcome you into their established societies and communities. You sharing your life improvements with them confirms you shouldn’t be around them in the first place. Welcome to the old money and new money battle. The barely rich people and the filthy rich battle. Everyone is waiting to see if you will go broke or if you will create an enduring wealth.

What do you care, there are billions of people in the world. Certainly, you can find some you connect with and who share your interests, goals and love. If only you could stop asking yourself that nagging question, “Is everyone person you meet genuinely attracted to your good energy, wisdom, warmth or is it your money and status?” Which may cause you to enter every new friendship or possible romantic relationship distrustful and apprehensive. Eventually alienating yourself.

Then, just like when you were broke and people didn’t want to deal with you and your struggle… Now that you have money, you don’t want people to entertain you, you want real friendships. So, money isn’t the answer? Being someone who doesn’t have a lot of money I find the statement “that money isn’t the answer” to be an untruth told by people who’ve taken money for granted. Hahaha! I’m still open to having tons of money so that I can find out first hand.

fearless In any case, I decided that I didn’t want to live in fear. I want to live in love. I want to be loved and loving.

I read recently that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but fear. Hate is a form a fear. But so is apathy, complacency, hopelessness, skepticism… I want to not be in a place that isn’t love. I want to get beyond my fears, so I’ve started reading this book and so far it’s been shifting my thinking. I’m not calling what I’ve feared as “the places that scare me” any more. Just calling those places “unknown” or maybe even “new adventure.”

I never actually come back and write follow up book reports/review blogs. Maybe I should.

Love says, “Write about how this book is changing your life. Others will appreciate it.”

Fear says, “You are being too open and people will judge you.”

Ego Says, “No one is reading your blog anyway so you’d just be wasting your time and energy to do a follow up. Then again, you wrote this blog, Drama Queen.”

The Perfectionist in me would like to put this disclaimer. I wrote this blog in about 20 mins and I’m not here for perfect grammar or spelling. This is a stream of consciousness… I’m willing to correct any statement that makes unclear my thoughts. But I’m not going to change it for minor errors. I’m here for free expression, exchanges of ideas, suggestions of good books, finding more light in all this darkness and love.