The Only Two Pieces of Parenting Advice You Will Ever Need to Know

Believe me when I say that I am not that parent that freely gives advice to every pregnant person I see.  I HATED getting advice when I was pregnant and I still hate it now.  I'm not talking the good advice, I'm talking the common sense rhetoric advice:

"You better sleep now because you'll need it later!"  (What does this even mean?  Is there a sleep "bank" where you can store sleep hours and withdraw them when you need them?  If there is, why can't that be included in this piece of advice?)

"Your (enter age here) child doesn't do (enter activity here)?  When my child was (enter same age here) she was (enter some type of Harvard accomplishment here)."  

I could go on and on but we've all heard the same ridiculous things people say.  So why do I want you to read my two pieces of advice?  First, they came from professionals, and second, I honestly wouldn't write a blog about it if I didn't believe that every parent needs these two pieces of advice.  

1.  "When help is offered, take it."

When I was hospitalized for an infection right after my c-section, my friend Jess came to the hospital one night to keep me company.  A really awesome nurse sat with us for the longest time and talked about how hard having a new baby really is.  I didn't know it then, but I was in the beginning of postpartum depression.  Since then, I've found out that the number one reason women do not seek treatment for PPD is because they don't want to admit they need help.  We, as moms, are supposed to do it all and do it with a smile.  We are also human and if we are deprived of sleep, or normal activities like going to the store, we start to become overwhelmed.

The nurse said to us, "When help is offered, take it."  Since then, I have truly believed this is the one best piece of parenting advice that parents NEED to take.  

People always offer help after a baby is born.  Yes, you have the ones who are saying it to be nice, however, for those who already have kids and are offering to help, we really are offering to help.  We know what you are going to look like in exactly three days of leaving the hospital.  You will be wearing the same outfit (underwear included) that you left the hospital in, forget about a shower, and you have are on the brink of sleep deprivation.  It's miserable, it's so much change, and you're happy but your sad.  TAKE THE HELP.

No one is judging you for asking for or accepting help.  If anything, we hold you in high admiration that you held out for three days without asking for help!  

We also want to help because we are selfish too.  I don't want another baby, but that doesn't mean I won't cuddle one when given the chance!  Offering to help with a baby, toddler, child, etc., gives me the chance to go back in time a little bit.  And it gives you time to leave the house and walk around Kroger mindlessly for a couple of hours.  Everyone's happy!

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.  It does take a village so don't feel bad wanting help.  Ask for it and accept it.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  It makes you a parent.

2.  "Your child's tears are not your tears."

This piece of advice is very recent.  Madelyne, my 5-year-old, is seeing a child therapist.  Madelyne sees her one day and then I have a private session the next.  In a session last November, I was telling the therapist about how bedtime was becoming exhausting.  It's turned into an ordeal.  Through talking it out with Madelyne, we figured out that she likes calming music to help her fall asleep.  Since November, bedtime has been a 180.  But I'll never forget what her therapist told me while I was talking about bedtime.  I was in tears because I couldn't stand when I forced Madelyne to go back to her bed and she started crying.  Her therapist then said, "Her tears are not your tears."

She asked me why I cried.  I said because I felt guilty for making Madelyne cry.  She then asked me why Madelyne cried.  I said because she was angry.  Two sets of tears, two sets of reasons.  And it totally makes sense.

When Madelyne cries, my tears are guilt, feelings of failure, hurt, and pain because I love her so much and to see her cry rips my heart out.  

Madelyne is 5.  To her, crying is simple cause and effect:  
Her tears + my tears = Mommy gives in.

She knows that if she cries, I usually give in.  She's not doing it to be mean.  She is manipulating me with her tears but she doesn't know how to be manipulative.

I can't tell you how much this piece of advice has changed me in just two short months.  Now when Madelyne cries, I let her cry it out.  For her birthday, we put a tent in her room and when she's mad or crying, she sits in it.  I wait until she is ready to talk and while I'm waiting, I'm not crying.  She's angry and one of the ways she knows how to express her anger is to cry.  So I let her.  But we always talk after about why she was angry.

At bedtime, she has pulled the crocodile tears a few times that once tore me up.  But guess what?  I don't cry.  I don't cry because I know she's not hurting or in pain.  I'm not a terrible mom and my child does not hate me.  She's angry and trying to get her way.  And she's trying to get me to cry so that I will give in.

I have to admit, there have been a couple of times since November that has been hard but that is when I ask my Mom for help.  My Mom has NO problem putting her foot down!  

Are there going to be times you are going to cry because your child is crying?  Absolutely.  Madelyne had to get 3 immunizations at her last check-up.  She was crying and yelling, "Mommy."  I'm bawling because I feel bad for her.  No one wants three shots but she was a champ!

Sometimes Madelyne will catch me off guard.  Last week was a rough week for me and when I was putting Madelyne to bed one night, she hugged me and said, "I'm so happy you're my mommy."  I could barely make it our her door before collapsing in my pool of tears.  No, little one, you don't know how happy I am that you are my daughter.  

Parenting is the hardest job in the world.  It's the only job that you don't get any practice for and I don't care what you say, you will never be able to convince me that carrying around an egg for a week in high school for home economics class was practice.  

At the end of the day, if your child is happy and healthy, you're already a doing a great job.  Just remember that help is never far away and that your tears are different.

And for the love of God, don't be that parent that tells new parents to get their sleep in before the baby comes....