Multi-Gendered Identity, Pt 2.
The first post I wrote on this held the force of excited, agitated, eager information that just demanded to find form, to be written and refused to let me sleep until I had. This post has come more slowly, requiring multiple edits, and giving me more time to consider.
Originally, I was going to dedicate a large part to proving with my words of past experience why I feel comfortable in identifying as multigendered. And then I realised I don’t have to do that. The fact that I identify is enough in itself. It doesn’t need proof.
That left me with the idea of wanting to write a further post on this experience of discovery, but not a lot of content to write.
I guess… the most liberating part of this realisation is finding that I’m not alone. I know so many people within the trans community; female-to-male, male-to-female, non-binary. I don’t personally know anyone who experiences more than one gender, rather than expressing as femme when they identify as male, or masc when female.
That this identity is present enough in terminology and understanding, that there are muliple words already in use–all gendered, multigendered, bigendered, trigendered, polygendered, among others–helps me to understand how to express my own experience and enter into a community.
Second to that is what comes with this realisation: that I can be free to express my thoughts, feelings, emotions in whatever gender. Honestly, most people expect this of me anyway; I can’t even count the number of times I’ve pointed out being ‘a guy’ in this or that situation, or being 'the guy’ in a relationship. In a way, I feel like having this label, being aware of it, will almost make me feel like I don’t need to be as forceful in SHOWING myself to be male as well as female every. single. time. it comes up. I don’t think I need to say it, but it’s not about having "masculine tendencies", but simply my BEING male at times, no matter how I’m dressed, the register of my voice or the reproductive and sexual anatomy I possess.
But, directly counter to that sense of freedom is my own continuing tie to the comfort of old labels. Because I have identified as a cis woman for at least most of the time I’ve known that label existed, it has become a part of my identity. Being a “cis woman” crossed my mind just before sleep last night, and I felt a sharp pang of discomfort, followed by mourning of what I felt like I’d have to leave behind to identify like this.
What would it be like to be in a place where, when asked in person, I answer that I’m actually multigendered. Tumblr creates this safe place for people like us, a distance of computers between people, and a safety block button. Certainly it’s a safe place to start sharing how exciting these new terms are, exploring our identities with no legal or other ramifications.
I’m not ready for that. Last night, replete with the knowledge that I had put into perfect words what I wanted to express, I considered what it would be like the first time someone called me Sir, Mister, or He. I felt a kind of giddy excitement of something existing in a divorced fantasy landscape, but something that would be quite confronting if found in the real world. I honestly don’t know how I’d act. Similarly, despite my extreme excitement in the singular 'they’, that’s not my pronoun set either. That’s not what I’m asking or wanting, to change my gender pronouns.
“Cis woman” is still at least half true of me. I don’t want to throw that away just because I’m embracing the rest of me.
This morning, as I started composing this post, I thought of what it might be like ticking the 'Other’ box in typical Male / Female / Other questionnaire dichotomy. I was okay with that. I am okay with that. Small starter steps.
