Chapter 16: "Winter"

Photo by Jyoti Roy Ch. 16: “Winter”

             Dirk’s intertwined fingers cradled his head as he lay in bed. He stared blindly in the dark as he considered all that the pastor had said that day. Friends. He had never thought about developing a friendship with Selena. It seemed nonsensical, but it was true. He married Selena to mother his child, but of course he could see now that the mutual union necessary to raise a child required, no demanded, a friendship between the parents. Alright, a friendship then. I can work on that. But how did one go about making a friend? A quote by Aristotle, memorized years earlier in school, whispered in his mind. Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.  He mulled over the truth of that statement. To be certain of its validity, he created a mental list of his closest friends. They were few. He thought about each one. It’s true. Each friendship took time, often years, to develop, and if I were honest with myself, it was the difficulties, whether in work or in life, that deepened those relationships. I can’t think of one friendship that happened instantaneously. Maybe the secret to his relationship with Selena lay hidden in this simplicity: being open to friendship and letting time and life develop the rest.

A dull thud on the ceiling disrupted Dirk from his dozy stupor. Overhead, a floor board creaked and groaned as footsteps moved across the floor. Dirk was awake now. Curiosity honed attentiveness. The soft pattering continued across the floor and then stopped abruptly as she paused to open her bedroom door. It squeaked a reprimand at being disturbed. All was quiet for some time before he perceived her soft tread on the steps. Dirk shifted slightly in the bed to get a better look. He peered through the open doorway. Selena’s shadow lurched erratically across the floor until she reached the braided rug in the parlor. He smiled to himself; the kitchen floor must have felt like ice. Now, he could see her. Reaching down into the wooden box, she wrestled a log out from among the tangled pieces and shoved it into the woodstove. Wade’s room must have been too cold.  Selena studied the stove, warming her hands while she waited for the small blaze to roar to life. Assured of her success, she turned and glanced out the window.

            The bright moon, illuminating the room for his benefit, beckoned her to the window. He heard her gasp, ‘snow’. She pressed her nose against the pane and in her excitement fogged up the glass.  Her view obscured, she stepped backwards, and took her hand up like a small child to draw a picture in the lingering residue. As she stood there, the drafty frame began to take its toll. She gathered the shawl drooping around her lower back. Grasping it tightly around her shoulders with one hand, she used the other to lift her long hair trapped beneath the garment. The hair escaped as she shook her head to hasten its departure. Why does her hair always affect me?  He felt guilty watching, but hidden from view, he indulged his senses.  In the shadowy light, the hair billowed down her thin back in soft cascading waves. Selena spun suddenly to head upstairs and  approached Dirk’s dark room. He slunk deep into the feather bed in case she should peer into his dark abyss and perceive the small trickle of snow melting from his cold heart.

***

            When Dirk awoke the next morning, the frosted windows declared with certainty the weather change outdoors. Radiant light streaming through the icy crystals indicated the presence of snow before he could even see it through the glass. He rose, dressed, and entered the kitchen. The sun glistened brightly into the room, intensified by the brilliance of white on the ground.  Bundling up with several extra layers, he opened the door to assess his journey to the barn.

                                                                        ***

            Selena woke up with the excitement of a child. Rushing into her son’s room she said, “Wadey, come see what God put on the ground!”  Her exuberance ignited her son’s.

            “It’s a beautiful day, Mama.”

            She smiled at him. Whenever Wade wanted to get up in the morning, he would exclaim that it was a beautiful day. He somehow assumed that statement guaranteed a quick escape from the confinement of his bed. She laughed at his ingenuity. Scooping him up with his blanket in tow, she brought him to the window. He blinked in the blinding light. “So pretty, so pretty!”

            “Let’s hurry and eat, so we can play in the snow, Wade.”

            “Mama, play?” he questioned.

            “Yes, Wade, Mama will play too”

            Finished with breakfast, Selena dressed them both for the chilly weather and laughed as her son waddled clumsily to the door.  Only his eyes peered out from among the layers wrapped snugly around his head and neck. Those dark eyes doubled in size when the gust of bitter wind swept in through the open door. 

“Brrr! Wadey’s cold.” The young boy looked skeptical of this new adventure.

Selena coaxed him onto the front porch. Lifting him down the stairs, she stood her son in the midst of the snow. Wade reached down and touched the magical dust with his improvised mittens made out of old socks.  He patted the white powder, and then gathering up a pile, he tossed it into the air. It swirled in the breeze.

            “Look Wade, Mama can make a ball.” Patting the snow into a compact mound, she threw it into the air.  He giggled as it sunk immovable into the powdery mixture at their feet.  Reaching down and retrieving it, she rolled it forward. He tried to follow her, but his short bundled legs refused to move, and he fell, face down into the cold snow.  Rescuing him, she flipped him onto his back and showed him how to wave his arms and legs. When he was done, she lifted him in her arms. “See the angel in the snow?” she asked.

             Looking at the barn, Selena had an idea. She set to work building a wall. Wade enjoyed building the massive structure in the snow. While he increased the height of the wall, Selena began an ammunition supply. 

            Working fervently, she failed to notice the barn door open. Dirk watched amused as the pair erected the fortress clearly directed as defense against the barn. Well, so be it. If war is what they expect, war is what they’ll receive.

            Slipping out the barn door, he ducked around the corner of the building. Rolling a large ball of his own, he took aim and launched it between the busy warriors. A cry of surprise splintered the air followed by a wail of tears from the unsuspecting child.  Selena gathered Wade onto her lap and hid behind their feeble wall of defense.

“Oh, honey, it’s alright. Look, Wade, look over there.” She pointed at Dirk standing boldly in view, proud of his apparent success.  Tears ended quickly when the young boy understood the game. Selena set Wade down and fired a series of snowballs directly at Dirk. He ran for cover. As Wade’s small attempts at hitting his father barely made it over the wall, it became apparent quickly that they would lose. Selena kept Wade busy flinging premade balls while she desperately rolled an enormous new weapon of her own.  Recognizing that the accurate blows of Selena’s had ended, Dirk peeked out around the side of the barn and saw little lobs of snow plopping over the wall; he knew to whom those belonged. Selena was up to something!

            He decided to take this window of opportunity. With a resounding war cry, Dirk plowed through the wide open gap to attack his foes. Hearing the cry, Selena stood up.  She grabbed her latest ammunition and flung it desperately at her assailant just as Dirk galloped over the side of the fortress. Bracing his shoulder against the attack, the large snowball shattered, creating a blizzard blinding them all.  Scooping up his son, he rolled into the snow, yelling, “Papa won; papa won!”

Wade giggled in delight at his father’s exciting entrance over the fort. Crawling over onto Dirk’s stomach, he said, “Papa, I like snow!”

                                                                        ***

            That fondness was short-lived. Stripping off the wet clothes minutes later, the tears began. As the blood began to circulate through Wade’s cold hands, they itched and stung simultaneously.  Exhausted from the ordeal of tears, Selena warmed up soup on the stove and cuddled with Wade on the couch with a book and a blanket.  Dirk found them there minutes later both fast asleep.  Ladling up his lunch, he settled into the overstuffed chair and watched the pair.  Wade lay curled in Selena’s lap while her head tipped back against the sofa angled softly over his like a guardian angel.  As his look lingered on the pair, Selena awoke.  Stretching the kinks out of her neck she seemed surprised to find an audience.

“Have I been asleep long?”

“I doubt it, but Wade looks like he might be. I’ll carry him upstairs.”

            She shifted slightly forward on the couch and let Dirk carry her warm bundle away. The cold air swept in to fill the void his body left, and she gathered her sweater around her tightly to replace the vacant warmth.  Groggy from her shortened nap, she remained on the couch until Dirk returned empty-handed. 

            “Looks like his first experience with snow tuckered that guy right out?”  Dirk said.            Standing up and shaking out the folds of her crumpled dress, Selena approached the window. “The snow is still coming down strong.  Reminds me of home.”

            “It’ll be gone by tomorrow,” Dirk spoke with assurance.

            Selena spun on her heel to face him. “Really?”  

            “Sure, it’s already warming up out there. I bet Julia doesn’t even have any snow down the hill.”

            “My goodness, I can’t get over the difference in your country.  I mean, I know it’s all the same country, but it really is so unlike home. In Illinois, the first snow lasts most of the winter. Each new storm adds another layer until the piles grow as high as your waist, sometimes higher.”  Her own memories shadowed her thoughts like a dark cloud passing in front of the sun. He watched it sweep across her eyes and then lift away.  He longed to ask the cause, but his own fear of her intrusive reprisal hampered his inquisitive nature. But contrary to her usual privacy, she exposed her thoughts for him.

            “Johnny loved the snow. People in town paid him to shovel their paths, sometimes with money, sometimes with a cookie and hot chocolate. He loved being needed.” Her thoughts drifted back to another time, another life, as she stared vacantly out the window.

            Dirk watched his tormented wife, akin to obstinate memories that invaded the privacy of his world when he desperately longed to rid them from existence. To distract her, he changed the subject. “You’re wonderful with Wade, Selena. I probably never would have taken the time to bundle him up to play in the snow.”

            Sensing his sincerity, she continued hesitantly, “I lost my little boy.”

            Dirk struggled to understand, “You mean your husband?”

            “No, our child.” She waited for what seemed an eternity. “I’ve not told anyone…” she hesitated, “…for years, I guess. Weeks before the accident, I lost our son prematurely. He wasn’t due for several months, but he came anyway.  I cried for days. Johnny promised there would be more children, but of course, there never would be.” Her mind drifted behind that ominous cloud once again.  “You can imagine how angry I was at God for taking them both.” She paused, deep in her endless past. “But time unveils truth; I realize now that I never could have raised a child and took care of John.  God knew better.”

            Her simple faith astounded him.

            “Taking care of Wade fills me with joy. Dirk, I can’t tell you how happy he makes me. I feel like God gifted me back the little son I lost.”  Relieved for a time of the repressed memories, she rose to move on with her day. 

            Dirk grabbed her hand as she walked by. He couldn’t help himself, it seemed instinctive.

“Selena, I’m sorry. I know this might sound insensitive, but it helps to know that others understand your pain.”

            She nodded, “God knew we needed each other, Dirk. We didn’t, but He did. That brings me comfort.”  Awkwardly realizing that he still held her hand, he let it drop while he rose from his chair. She hesitated to see if the conversation would continue; it didn’t, but it satisfied.