5 Questions You Should Never Ask a Woman

It blows my mind how some people have the gall to ask questions that should be labeled, "None of your business."  I was talking about this to a couple of people who were asked these questions and they just sounded so exasperated.  I get it.  I get asked these questions all the time.  And I mean...all.  the.  time.  So, for clarification purposes, these are the top 5 questions you should NEVER ask a woman:

1.  When are you getting married?

Single women in their 20s and 30s get asked this questions almost on a daily basis.  Even when we're not dating anyone.  As soon as we turn 18, the question is put out there:

Nosy person (NP):  "So...when are you getting married?"

Woman (W):  "Well, I just graduated from high school and I'm starting college in the fall.  I can't wait to start my career!  I've waited my whole like to finally do what I love!"

NP:  "That sounds nice.  So when are you getting married?"

Or there is this conversation for those couples who have been together for more than a year and (gasp) are not engaged:

NP:  "You've been with your boyfriend for 5 years.  When are you two going to make it official?"

W:  "We like things the way they are.  When the time is right, we'll know."

NP:  "Well, you know what they say!  Why marry the cow when the milk is free?!"

W:  "Did you just call me a cow?"

Look, unless you benefit in some way from me getting married like me adding you to my health insurance, back off.  And of course, this question leads into the next one...

2.  Are you going to get remarried?

For divorced women, this question is the bane of our existence.  After I was first divorced, I actually found myself not only answering this question but explaining why I didn't get remarried the day after my divorce was final:

NP:  "Do you ever want to get remarried?"

W:  "Well, I'm still in school and I'm raising a baby.  I think I should probably concentrate on those first before I start dating again."

NP:  "Are you scared because of what happened in your first marriage?"

W:  "No.  I'm in school and I have a baby."

NP:  "Because not all men are like your first husband."

W:  "School.  New baby.  No time."

NP:  "Just don't wait too long."

W:  "SCHOOL.  BABY.  BUSY"

NP:  "The right one is still out there waiting for you."

W:  "Thanks," 

I learned that it's best to just say "thanks" after the first piece of "advice" because I don't give a shit if you are a divorced woman eating Cheetos on a regular basis so your fingers are stained orange and watch Dr. Phil all day; that's your business and no one else's.  

Don't even get me started when an NP asks me about remarriage and I say that I like being single because God forbid women (like myself) like spending Friday nights with a good book and popcorn in my bed.  I don't have to talk.  I don't have to pretend I'm interested in getting it on.  And I can turn off my light at 9:00 PM and not feel guilty.  

3.  When are you going to have children?

Ah yes...so you've finally conquered the marriage questions.  And just when you've become somewhat comfortable...BAM...the Nosy People are back:

NP:  "Congratulations on getting married!  When are you two having children?"

W:  "The wedding was last night."

NP:  "Maybe you guys made a baby last night!"

W:  "I fell asleep in my wedding dress after we polished off the rest of the wedding cake."

NP:  "Well, there's always the honeymoon!"

W:  "It's a little disturbing that you are going to think about my sex life for the next week while we're on our honeymoon..."

I don't know what it is but after that marriage certificate is signed, the baby questions shoot like a BB gun.  And they won't stop until you have actual proof that there is a baby in your uterus.  

Here's the thing:  some couples might not want children.   The world population is not going to die out if they don't conceive.  I didn't want a child until I was 32...and pregnant with a child.  This is a question that is only meant for the possible parents-to-be.  So unless you plan on raising that child, it's time to let this question die out.  Which leads me to the next question...

4.  Are you going to have anymore kids?

This question is the one that drives me the most insane:

NP:  "Your baby is so adorable!  Are you going to have any more?"

W:  "The umbilical cord is still attached to this one.  Literally still attached."

NP:  "Don't you want siblings close in age?"

W:  "The epidural hasn't worn off and I can't feel my legs."

I'm going to be honest with you.  The only thing I liked about pregnancy was the fact that people expected me to be fat so I didn't feel guilty about eating a 5-course meal at Denny's.  Labor sucked but I enjoyed the pain meds after my C-section.  And then when you realized that the nurse isn't getting in the backseat with the baby, panic sets in.

I'm going to be honest again and this one is a doozy so brace yourselves:  I don't like the baby phase.  (I'll give you a moment.)  That's not to say I don't like babies.  I like babies just fine.  And I love babies when I can hand them back to the parent and say, "see ya!"   

I think I cried for a straight month after bringing my daughter home.  Not happy tears, mind you.  Angry, frustrated, impatient with a little but of insanity mixed in, tears.  I can't imagine ever going through the baby phase again.  And because I have declared my uterus off limits, I never will go through the baby phase again.

Yes, my daughter will be an only child unless I remarry (don't ask when) and she has step-siblings.  As long as I'm okay with that...then you should be okay with that.  So unless you plan on carrying my child, keeping my child until about the age of 17 and shelling out $1,000 or more per month on clothes, food, extracurricular activities, or other necessities of life like a monthly massage for mom, then stop asking.  

5.  Don't you miss your kid(s)?

This one might throw your for a loop but after I explain, you will see it ties into the others.  

I recently started traveling for my job.  Now when I say traveling, I mean driving 2 1/2 hours to the other side of Michigan for a court-appointed case.  I'm gone two nights at the most.  Do I miss Madelyne when I travel?  Yep.  Do I feel guilty about traveling?  Nope.

Who made the rule that once your child is born, that child must be attached to you at all times?  And if you leave that child overnight, you are considered the worst parent in the world and should be stoned to death because you obviously don't love your child.  

This applies to all parents too.  You are allowed to go on vacation WITHOUT your children.  

NP:  "Don't you miss your kids?"

W:  " Yep."

NP:  "Don' you feel guilty drinking that margarita by the pool without them?"

W:  "Nope."  

NP:  "Once you have kids, all of your vacations should be family vacations."

W:  "Can I borrow money for a nanny to bring with me?"

The last time I traveled, I stayed in my hotel room all night.  I watched 8 straight episodes of Law and Order on Netflix and binged on popcorn.  It was heaven.  

There is nothing wrong with single parents or couples with children to vacation without the kids.  When you go into a swimming pool for the first time without your child, it's almost orgasmic.  If you think I'm joking, try it and then get back to me.  

So unless you leave your children home alone at the ages of 3 and 5 and jet off to Europe for a month, then you are not guilty of child neglect.  Besides, you know the kids have more fun with the grandparents anyway...

Please, take my advice.  For the love of God and everything that is holy in this world, don't ask these questions.  Unless your life is going to dramatically change, then the answers are none of your business.  

​Now...where are the Cheetos?