25 questions only a Portlander can answer

(Photo: Alice Carrier)

1. “Which is better: Voodoo or Blue Star?”
2. “It’s pronounced ‘couch,’ right?”
3. “So wait, is there really a Chinatown, or is it just the big gate and some fancy street lights?”
4. “Aren’t Dante’s, Lucky Devil, and Casa Diablo all the same place?”
5. “Hood, St. Helens, Adams, or Rainier?”
6. “Hopworks, Rogue, Deschutes, or Gigantic?”
7. “What does Nestle have to do with Oregonian water?”
8. “What exactly IS Chinook Jargon?”
9. “I’ve been driving up and down Chavez…where the hell is 39th?”
10. “So, was this ‘Ladd’ guy depraved BEFORE he made his ‘addition’?”
11. “Ducks, or beavers?”
12. “Why would the floor of the Crystal Ballroom have any impact on my concert-going experience?”
13. “What do you mean ‘I’m going to need an inflatable mattress’ for my float on the Clackamas?”
14. “Why are all of these grown-ass people racing down the Zoo hill on children’s bikes?”
15. “What ARE all these big trees?”
16. “Who is Max, and why would he want to help me get around Portland?”
17. “Wait, did you actually take your date to Cartlandia for dinner?”
18. “Why does everyone look like they’ve seen a unicorn, and what even is a ‘sun break’ anyway?”
19. “Powell’s isn’t *that* big, is it?”
20. “What’s so great about pro- soccer, anyway?”
21. “Are ABV’s and IBU’s, like, calories or something?”
22. “So you’re telling me, that behind this giant fence made of brightly-painted doors smack-dab in the middle of downtown is an entire commune of Portland’s homeless?”
23. “Okay but for real, does it actually ever stop raining here?”
24. “Why is everyone at the PDX airport taking pictures of their feet?”
25. “Portlandia’s just a parody, right? I’m not actually going to see anything as weird as a flaming-bagpipe-playing unicycle-riding Darth Vader, am I?”