Be a Blog Post, Unless You Can Be a Unicorn

Sharks Can Bite Me Curioser and Curioser!

Be a Blog Post, Unless You Can Be a Unicorn

It would seem that we have a unicorn controversy on our hands.

One day, many moons ago, I wrote a romantic comedy called Alice in Wonderland, which takes place in Australia (i.e. Wonderland). As befits a book inspired by Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, the protagonist, Alice Faye Dahl, and her siblings–as well as her suitor and his sister–often do and say things that don’t seem to make any damn sense.

One day, about nine moons ago, another author asked me how I created all those “little promotional cards” with my book quotes on them. Since I had no idea what he was talking about, I googled my name, clicked on “images” and marveled.

Now, for all I know, these could be the result of some internet, auto-generated quote machine, but hey–they’re out there, right? (File this under “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.”) Then I noticed that one of these quotes appeared with more frequency than any of the others:

“Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.”

Not only that, but there were dozens and dozens of pages where people argued over the actual wording of the quote and its origin.

Just to clarify, this particular quote is part of an exchange in Chapter 22 between Alice Faye Dahl and her sister, Dee:

[Alice] “That doesn’t mean I pretend to be someone else. I don’t know how to be something I’m not, okay? I don’t know what you learned in that fantasy world of yours growing up, but I was told to just be myself.”
“Unless you can be a unicorn,” Dee says. “In that case, you should always be a unicorn.”

I turn on her, furious. “And why don’t you shut up? I know you think you’re the funniest person in the room, but you might want to take note of the fact that no one here is laughing!”

I’d barely recovered from the shock of watching people resorting to virtual fisticuffs over a unicorn when I received an email from a merchandising company called BlueQ.com that appeared to sell novelty products that were inspired by my morbid sense of humor. Such as:

Hand sanitizer for people who text while on the toilet

A lip balm brand with the rather unappetizing (but simultaneously amazing) name of “Lip Shit”
Socks with the words “Motherfucking Girl Power” on them

So…guess who wanted to turn my Alice unicorn quote into a pack of gum? Don’t believe me? Take a peek at the barely legible, microscopic words on the lid: “Artificial Flavor DIVA PRESS ©2015 FS1040.” Diva Press, Inc is the name of my company, and I don’t think you can get any more artificial than me, right?

So I signed a licensing agreement with them and then I kind of forgot about it until the FedEx guy had the audacity to wake me up at the ungodly hour of 10AM one day to deliver these: