Wherein Fox Smells
A few weeks ago, I decided to go natural.
Well, not too natural. I still wax. But spend enough time learning about pretty much any ingredient of our modern world and you’ll realize, as a doctor friend of mine likes to joke, that it can probably give you cancer. She, herself went through a natural deodorant phase before concluding that the resultant smell was unfair both to her and her coworkers. Not every hill is–hopefully metaphorically–worth dying on.
Balance. Organic strawberries. Right.
Even so, I–for reasons I can’t even explain to myself right now, dear reader, let alone to you–decided that I absolutely must greet our first real heat wave of the summer with an aluminum free deodorant. Hundred degree weather and unrestrained sweat? What could possibly go wrong?
It turns out–and, again, I’m putting myself through the torture of these experiments, not to mention the shame of recounting their results, so you don’t have to–that the smell was the least of my problems.
The first product I tried was Tom’s of Maine Long Lasting Men’s Deodorant in the alluringly titled “mountain spring.” Now I am a woman, not a man. But I think gendered products (with the exception of tampons) are stupid. And this one was the best deal on Prime.
It smelled…okay. But not only did it not work, I swear it made me sweatier. And the smell of my pits was significantly worse, with this product, than it was without it. Now you may be remembering the earlier part of this post and thinking “heat wave,” but I spent my first day with this product sitting at a desk, writing, in air conditioned splendor. After an hour of writing I smelled like I’d just run a marathon through sun-baked goat urine and that is not what’s supposed to happen.
So clearly, I did the only intelligent thing and tried a different Tom’s product. After giving “mountain spring” a few more days to not work, during which my family gave me a wide berth. Let me tell you, this is the product to try if you want to bring a complete halt to your sex life. I like to fondly refer to it as man/woman away.
The “honeysuckle rose” variety didn’t work either, and made my pits swell up like balloons. I don’t have particularly sensitive skin, either. Seriously. They hurt.
After the swelling went down, I tried Weleda’s Wild Rose Deodorant. It comes in a spray, that never dries. Weleda is a name I’m familiar with; I have a general sense of fondness for their products. My son uses their toothpaste. But…oh sweet Gods above. It gave me hives. Hives. Terrible, massive, “itchy” is like describing a gunshot wound as a slight inconvenience-level hives. My arms didn’t lower correctly for two days.
So then I tried Green Tidings. It came in a nice lavender scent. I like lavender and grow quite a bit of it in my home, an herb with a storied medicinal history. Lavender is a great natural antiseptic and, while some people have been known to experience an allergic reaction (lavender is part of the mint family and some are allergic, just as some are allergic to onions) I’d never had a problem before. Indeed found lavender quite calming to my very, very occasionally irritated skin.
I will say this for Green Tidings: it does work. By, apparently, irradiating your pits. You can’t stink there if there’s no skin left. And no, I’m not exaggerating. I got a serious chemical burn from this stuff. Serious enough that some treatment was required.
Anecdotally, lavender oil is supposed to be good for burns (although please, for heaven’s sake, consult a real medical doctor if something is wrong with you as blogs are not medical advice). But I’ve had serious burns, puncture wounds, and I like ink. Getting my spine inked did not hurt as much as this. Not to mention, when I revealed the affected skin to my husband, he almost passed out. So, handily, I probably won’t be sweating too much for the rest of the summer.
Of course, your mileage may vary.
If you’re considering one, then I wish you well on your organic journey. But, as I pointed out to my husband, terms like “vegan” and “organic” don’t confer the free pass that some people think. Belladonna (and other fun poisons, too, like cyanide) are organic. Check out The Poison Garden for more fun thoughts on this matter. After all, as I’m fond of pointing out in my history-heavy books, people have been killing each other with plants, and quite successfully, for thousands of years. We don’t need Montesanto to be stupid.
So after concluding that, screw the horrible smells–and they were horrible smells–hives and chemical burns weren’t actually improving my health as much as advertised, I returned to an old classic: Dove.
Or will, when it’s safe to use deodorant again.
