Stop pretending your husband doesn’t need what you need

I was on Facebook the other day, scrolling through my newsfeed, when I noticed a post from one of the ministries I follow, offering a great little reminder to wives about not getting so tied up with kids that you forget to look after your husband too. All of us need someone else looking out for us sometimes, and our husbands are no exception.

There were a couple of comments from women who took the post to heart, but unfortunately, the majority felt differently.

 

“Sure would be nice if it went both ways,” said one.

“I’d be glad to pay more attention to him if I didn’t feel so stonewalled all the time,” admitted another. I could sense her pain and frustration.

“Oh, poor baby, he’s not getting his ego stroked. Bahahahahah…” chortled another, who then tagged a list of her friends because this idea of showing love to your husband was absolutely, positively, HILARIOUS.

(And somewhere friends, in true Proverbs 25:24 fashion, there is a man all curled up on top of his roof, hidden in the shadow of a tree, with one finger over his lips and two eyes wide with fear, whispering, “DON”T LET HER KNOW I’M UP HERE!”)

I get those women and their responses. I really do. Even condescending BaHaHa Woman. Cliff and I have been married for 17 years and counting, and there have been moments and seasons where I could have said similar things myself. Where I did say similar things.

But then I realized I was wrong.

I believed lies and refused to acknowledge truths.

I convinced myself Cliff needed much less in some areas than I did, and that he should give much more than me when it came to others.

I played fair when it was convenient and not so fair when, well, it wasn’t.

If he forgot the dishes?

He was selfish or thoughtless and an argument was probably going to happen.

If I forgot the dishes?

I was just so busy with everything else, how could I keep up with all of it? (Incidentally, I don’t ever remember Cliff starting an argument when I was the one forgetting the dishes…he’s smart like that.)

If I’d had a bad day at work or at home?

I expected him to listen and do something to make me feel better.

If he had a bad day at work or at home?

I generally expected him to just get over it. My attitude, I’m sorry to say, was usually of the “ain’t nobody got time for that” variety.

I mean, come on, there were dishes to do.

Maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about. But I think you probably do.

Here’s what I’m learning as a wife that you may be learning too. Maybe you know others who need to.

Just because he doesn’t say it, doesn’t mean he never feels it.

If we depended on cable television and youtube videos to understand our men, we’d think all guys are jerks, dorks, or forgetful slobs. But just like the many layers to me (oh boy, there are probably way too many layers), there are layers to my husband, too. Sure, his layers probably aren’t exactly the same as mine – like, if I were an onion, he might instead be, I don’t know, a seven-layer salad, or a seven-layer southwestern bean dip, a really good one with guacamole and sour cream and shredded cheese.

Actually, if I think about it, maybe I’m more like the party appetizer and he’s the onion. His layers aren’t always as obvious as mine. But they’re there.

Just because he doesn’t say it, doesn’t mean he never feels it.

 

I worry when he’s not worried

One of the, ahem, “discussions” Cliff and I have most often is usually over money – and at some point, I have to bring up all of my worries, including the fact that I am worried over the fact he doesn’t seem worried. Because how can he, my handsome man of mine, just sit there in a conversation about budgets and bills and air conditioning units that need to be replaced, and cars that are breaking down and not be in full panic mode like I am in the moment? Does he not care? Does he not understand? Am I driving this rudderless ship all by myself and he doesn’t notice the huge jagged rocks we’re heading straight into? (A flair for the dramatic is also one of my layers, apparently. I’ll blame the cilantro.)

But what I have finally learned in just the last couple of years is that he does understand more than he might say at first. He does, in fact, have a lot of the same concerns, and feelings and emotions that I do. He just doesn’t always express it in the same way. He actually has fears I don’t always think about.

Like, whether he’s making enough money. Whether he’s accomplishing all that he should. If he’s got job security. If he’s getting too old. If his health is still good. If he still makes his wife melt into the pillow. If he’s a good enough dad. (Here’s an article I found that discusses what men fear most, and what you can do to help.)

 

So yes, he worries.

He does have doubts.
He does stress about things that are going wrong.
He does get concerned about the future.
He wonders if he’s making the right choices for his family.
He questions whether he’s doing enough as a husband.
He questions whether he’s doing enough as a father.
He wonders if he’s doing enough in his job.
He gets frustrated from time to time trying to figure out the balance between job and family.
He gets tired.
He wishes he had more friends.
He wishes he had more time for the friends he has.
He wishes he had more time for date nights.
He wants to know I love him as much as I did when we first got married.
He wants to know I’m in his corner when things go really bad.
He wants to know I’m in his corner when things go really good.

But since he doesn’t always react to those worries and concerns I just listed, in the same way I do, I automatically assume he must have the feelings or the empathy of a gnat.

See, because of my no-expert dollar-store surface analysis of how my husband does or doesn’t react the way I think he should, I’m constantly swatting at that imaginary gnat, trying to get a reaction, when maybe, just maybe, he needs me to react in a completely different way.

Because, really, isn’t that a GOOD thing?

Who wants not one, but TWO panicked people running around the house like the sky is about to fall in at the first hint of a problem, convinced all hope is lost and that we should just head for the bunker NOW because clearly, nothing else is going to work. Anyone? There’s a reason God causes us to be attracted to people with different or even opposite characteristics – because if we married ourselves, we would IMPLODE.

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There’s a reason God causes us to be attracted to people different from us – otherwise we’d IMPLODE.Tweet This

If you’ve never read it, I strongly encourage you to check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only. She gets to the bottom of so many things we find hard to understand about our men. It’s a great read to do with a girlfriend or a women’s small group or book club.

Maybe what I said about reacting is wrong too. What if, instead, I just acted?

What if, instead of waiting for him to be the one with all of the answers, and then getting upset or hurt or angry when he doesn’t, what if I just love him and care for him the way I want him to love and care for me, without first pulling out some made-up-in-my-mind-contract of what he has to do first, before I will?

Because did your marriage vows say that? That you would love and cherish him in sickness and in health provided he loved and cherished you first and in the quantities and qualities of a lifestyle you want to quickly become accustomed to? No? Mine either. Darn. Where is Michael J. Fox’s Delorean time machine when we need one?

This tension point in a relationship isn’t new. It’s happened since Adam’s first barely intelligible syllables were uttered the day he got a glimpse of his bride, Eve, and said “Woah….man!” and her life as the first woman began. Because Eve, like most women, probably wanted a little more from Adam than just the literal. She wanted to know he thought of her as beautiful. And smart.

She wanted to know he thought she was super savvy when it came to juggling all she did with the cooking and the cleaning and the shopping and finding time for crafting to make pretty things for their home when she had sweet Abel and crabby Caine running around to take care of.

If you’ve ever read Genesis, you know this desire for more started way before the family ever did. This precious couple, God’s creation, had everything they could want in the Garden He’d designed for them, but it wasn’t enough. Not after Satan put the thought in her head that there was more God wasn’t offering them. There was something she was missing out on. And the decision she made – they made – cost them everything.

Friends, Satan is still messing with us women today.

Maybe you’re in that exact spot right now, married to a man who just doesn’t seem to get you.

He doesn’t show interest in you.

He doesn’t act like he loves you.

He doesn’t “get” you.

And you’re getting really tired. Looking around you, it all looks so much better than what you have.

Your heart’s crying out for more.

 

I’m begging you, though. Don’t make the same mistake Eve did. See, she didn’t realize it, but she had all that she needed. She had all the “more” she could have wanted. She had a personal, incredible relationship with the Creator of the Universe. But she distorted it and damaged it when she fell for the lie that she needed more; that what she had wasn’t enough, and she became convinced God was keeping it from her.

Our husbands won’t ever be the ones in our lives to give us the “more” we crave. Oh, yes, absolutely, they have a purpose and they have a responsibility and they have a role that God has called on them to live out.

It’s not our job, though, to make sure they live out that role perfectly. It’s our job to live how God’s called us – and to encourage them in the process.

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It’s not our job to make sure they live it out perfectly. It’s our job to live how God’s called us.Tweet This

Our first priority is to know the One who created us, and show His love to the one we live with.

So stop expecting your husband to give you what only God can.

Start asking, instead, how God can use you to show your husband a reflection of what God is giving you.

THIS IS NOT EASY.

THIS WILL TAKE TIME.

BUT THIS IS SO VERY WORTH IT.

To quote Oswald Chambers, “all noble things are difficult.”

I love what he writes here:

“If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all noble things are difficult. The Christian life is gloriously difficult, but the difficulty of cit does not make us faint and cave in, it rouses us up to overcome. Do we so appreciate the marvelous salvation of Jesus Christ that we are our utmost for His highest?” ~ Oswald Chambers

I would add to Mr. Chamber’s question… even in our marriages? Especially in our marriages?

Loving Your Husband God’s Way

When I started putting God first in my life, really pursuing Him as the reason for my peace and happiness, and began actively looking for ways to bless and encourage my husband instead of looking for all the ways he wasn’t blessing me, I changed. My attitude changed. My criticisms became fewer. My happiness felt deeper.

Then something happened I didn’t expect. I saw changes in my husband. Little things at first. He started doing more around the house without me asking him too. He would text me or call me, just because. He noticed more of what I did, and thanked me for it.

The number of women I’ve heard from who have read a couple of my books, like My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife, and My So-Called Life as a Submissive Wife, tell me that what I’m sharing with you today isn’t crazy. Because they’ve seen the same thing happen in their marriages. This is NOT some-intangible-off-the-wall-positive-thinking-Christianity-that-doesn’t-actually-work-in-real-life-thinking.

But this IS a change that requires being intentional. This takes effort. This takes someone willing to go first.

Be the one who goes first. Don’t be the one who laughs and sneers at the idea that the man you live with needs attention.

You need attention.

So does he.

So give God your attention, and then be intentional in reflecting Him. Start with your husband. Then your children. Then the others around you at work or at church or in your community.

You will be amazed at the ways you see Him reflecting back to you.

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Give God your attention, and then be intentional in reflecting Him.Tweet This

Have you found that by changing your actions for the positive, you’ve seen a change in your husband for the better? Share with us in the comments how God has worked in your marriage and encourage someone else needing that hope today!

 

 

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