Reader Mail: Should I Let My Husband Help Me Even When I Don’t Need His Help?

 

Joanne recently posted this question on my Facebook page. It’s a good one, and something my husband and I have talked about a lot. Maybe you have too!

Hi Sara,

I’m almost done reading your book Submissive Wife, (love it, by the way) and I have a question. When my husband asks me if I want help with whatever I’m doing, or if he asks, “Do you want me to do ‘this’?”, my answer usually goes something like this, “No, I can do it.” Or, “I’ll take care of it,” or “No thank you.”

I feel like if I can do it, I should. If I can do it, then he doesn’t have to. If I can do it, then I won’t burden him by saying yes when he asks. Not that he thinks it’s a burden, he doesn’t at all. But I have a hard time saying “yes”, when he ASKS. And it’s not a pride thing, nor is it an attitude like he should just do it and not ask. It’s like I said before, I feel like if I can do it, why bother him with it?

What do you think? Is that something I should just go with, keep doing? It doesn’t bother me, I was just wondering if it’s “the right thing to do” or what you thought about it. TIA. ~ Joanne

Hey Joanne!

You touch on something that a LOT of us struggle with. What’s the big deal about letting our husbands help with things? Depending on the woman, I think the reasons can vary for why it’s so hard for us to say yes to their offers to help.

1. We feel silly asking for help with things we already know we can do in our sleep.

2. We feel annoyed that they’re offering, and wonder if they think we aren’t doing a good job.

3. We feel confident in our systems and more confident they will just mess it up (and we’ll have to go back and redo it anyway).

4. We feel territorial and just really don’t want to share those parts we’ve become accustomed to as “ours.”

5. We feel like their time could be better spent on other things.

Cliff and I have had, ahem, “discussions” over this very thing, many times. He wants to help and I don’t want him to be bothered. He wants to pitch in and give me a hand with dinner, and I think it’s a waste of two people in the kitchen when there are other things that need to be done. He offers to run to the store when he realizes we’re out of something, and I insist I’ll just grab it the next time I go.

But I’m learning why I need my husband’s help even when I *think* I don’t.

Marriage is designed for two people, not just for one. It’s our example of the beautiful relationship Christ has with His bride, the church. People seem to get pretty stuck on Ephesians 5:22, but not everyone thinks about Ephesians 5:25.

Look at these verses:

In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of His body (Ephesians 5:28-30).

Reading that, I have to wonder: if I think I’m showing love to my husband by saying no every time he offers his help, then when does he find his opportunities to show me love… if I never let him?

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When does he find his opportunities to show me love… if I never let him?Tweet This

Your question reminded me of a conversation I had over cheesecake with some friends after we went and saw Moms’ Night Out together. Someone mentioned how hard it was to let her husband help with the kids, with the house, with the chores. Then someone else confessed how her husband tried helping, like emptying the dishwasher or filling it, but he never did it the way she liked it done, so she always went back and “fixed” what he did. And that’s when another friend offered a sad smile and a little reality for everyone else. “I used to do that too,” she said. “And now my husband won’t help with anything.”

If you have a husband who offers to help with ANYTHING, my advice is to let that man help! (I am sure there are women reading this who have been muttering under their breath since the first paragraph something along the lines of… ‘if my husband would ONLY offer to help with something….”)

Some of our most enjoyable moments now are when Cliff and I are both in the kitchen cooking dinner together, especially when our son, Caleb, decides he wants to help too! It’s a little crazy but that’s what makes it fun! No, my laundry doesn’t always get folded or put away like I’d like it to; my grocery list doesn’t always have everything make it home like I initially planned, but my husband shows me in different ways every day how much he loves me. And I love THAT.

Start looking at those offers to help as visual I Love You’s… and say yes a lot more.

What you’re really saying, when you do, is “I love you, too. ”

Thanks for the question!

How would you answer Joanne’s question? Or do you have a question for me? Share in the comments or send me an email (sara@sarahorn.com). I may use your question it in my next reader mail post. Thanks for reading!

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