"I Know I Can't Outrun That Shadow. It's Part of Who I Am. But I Can Try To Keep It as Small as Possible."

Interview: Alisa Bowman.

Through a mutual friend, I met writer Alisa Bowman -- first online, then, even better, in person for coffee. She has a new book called Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters. Although her book and my book have many of the same words in the title, they're very different -- Alisa's book is all about turning her marriage around. I tore through it, and of course happiness is a a major theme in the book, so I was very interested to ask her about happiness.

Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?

Alisa: I meditate. I do it for 10 or so minutes each morning and 5 or so minutes at night. I end each meditation with the same goal: to spread happiness to others as I go about my day.

What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18 years old?

When I was 18, I thought that happiness was an ethereal gift, one that could not be wrangled or manipulated. I also thought that happiness came from money, possessions, respect, prestige, and accomplishments. I now know that neither of those assumptions are true. Happiness is a state of mind, one that is not dependent on what you own, how others perceive you, or on what is going on around you. It's also a state of mind that can be exercised, like a muscle.

Recently I was on an airplane as it made an emergency landing. I asked myself, "Do I want to spend what might be the last three minutes of my life in terror, or do I want to spend them feeling content?" I choose to spend them feeling content. The plane landed safely.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?

I try to control the future. Many of my meditations are about letting go and acceptance—about being okay with whatever life is in any given moment.

If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a "comfort food," do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children's books).

Certain types of music—classical, jazz, Sinatra—evoke a deep sense of contentment in me. If I've had a grueling day, I'll listen as I sip some hot tea and snuggle with my dog.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

I come from a line of mentally ill people. Cancer runs in some families. Mental illness runs in mine. I've gone through periods of severe depression—depression so severe that I contemplated suicide. When I look back on these periods, I can clearly see that I was trying to run from problems in my life. For instance, in my early 20s, I was dissatisfied with my career as a newspaper reporter, but I tried to ignore that sense of dissatisfaction. In my mid 30s, my marriage was falling apart. I did my best to ignore it as long as I could. It wasn't until I addressed those problems that I was able to dig myself out of the depression. In my 20s, the remedy was a new job. In my 30s, the remedy was marital improvement (which, thankfully, worked).

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?

Yes, I do. Depression follows me like a shadow. Sometimes it's noon and I can't see that shadow. Sometimes it's twilight and the shadow is long and dark.

I know I can't outrun that shadow. It's part of who I am. But I can try to keep it as small as possible. I do that in three ways.

Chemically: I exercise regularly. I use a light box in the winter. I take fish oil supplements. I make sure to get enough sleep. And I meditate regularly.

Emotionally: I am constantly reframing my thoughts, turning negative thoughts into positive ones.

Physically: Whenever I do have a real problem (like the dissatisfying job or bad marriage), I break it down into baby steps and I work my way out of it.

Spiritually: I give to others as much as I can. I give money. I give time. I start each day with a goal to create as much happiness in others as I can. I've found that spreading happiness to others causes me to feel happier in return.

* The Economist did a great cover story about happiness and age; beyond middle age, people get happier as they get older.

* If you received The Happiness Project as a gift -- or even if you didn't! -- and you'd like a free, personalized bookplate, for yourself or for someone else, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com. Be sure to include your mailing address, and feel free to ask for as many as you like.