How Can I Know If He’s The One?
Author’s note: I originally wrote this letter to a dear friend of mine, as she suffered through a breakup. A breakup with a man who made her feel foolish for believing in him, and who made her doubt her own value. Who, in her words, made her lose her sparkle. And so she did the right thing, the courageous thing: she left him. And left herself wondering if, in not giving him yet another chance, in lowering her expectations even further to produce harmony, she was doing the wrong thing. For he was one of those types who believed that a proper woman was invisible. So I said…
The right man will not be perfect, but he will be perfect for you. He will be your best friend, who is as relaxing to be with as being alone. He will make you laugh. And, sometimes, because we’re all only human, he’ll make you cry. But never intentionally and never because he’s lied, cheated, or given you cause to doubt him. Doubt him in terms of his integrity, or doubt him in terms of his commitment to you. He will make mistakes, but they will be the foolish mistakes of a man who is trying to grow. Who is committed, each and every day, to being his best self.
He will fail. The only people who never fail are the ones who never try. He will fail, and fail again, at different things throughout the course of his life because he never stops trying: to love you, to be a husband to you, and to be the best him that he can be. For you, and for himself. For the life you want to build together. He’ll have, not dreams and goals but plans of action. Goals are pure fantasy unless you have a plan to achieve them.
He will work hard. He will know who he is. He will be honest and decent and kind. He will live out the true meaning of the term “work ethic,” for he will approach his work with the ethic by which he defines his existence. He will stand his ground. He will never prioritize fitting in or “not causing a fuss” over doing what’s right. He will be the man whom others look to, as an example of right. Of choosing the right; of loving the right.
He will have friends. A lack of friends is an enormous red flag—in both genders. A man with no friends is a man who hasn’t committed himself to earning the respect of others. He might not win any popularity contests, but he will be surrounded by those who love him. He will know who they are, and he will honor their commitment to him by his commitment to them. He will be strong-willed enough to set boundaries, and to enforce them, but he will never be “too busy” to help someone in need. He will understand the absolutely vital importance, in all respects, of being present. And he will be present: physically and emotionally.
He will not lie. He will not lie directly, neither will he lie by omission. He will never take the coward’s path, of hurting you until you pull back. He will, rather, take responsibility for his wants and needs and for his own weaknesses. He will apologize when necessary but, at the same time, he will listen. He will honor your point of view, even if he isn’t always capable of seeing it, at least at first, and your conversations will be emotional oxygen. For both of you.
He will be the same person one day that he is the next.
He will understand that it’s not “my way” or “your way,” but “our way.”
Although he’ll make mistakes, he’ll never put you in a position of having to make excuses for him. Of having to explain his conduct from others or, even worse, hide that conduct from them for fear of their forming a negative opinion. Nothing in his conduct, as imperfect as he is, should ever require editorialization. Nor selective truth: his character stands up to scrutiny. His choices, whether right or wrong, are defensible on their own merit. He is a whole and complete person, who needs no one looking over his shoulder to ensure that he does what he’s supposed to do. It’s human nature to make comparisons, and while he might not be the most powerful or materially successful, he’ll earn your respect to the point where comparisons become meaningless: because he’ll be, quite simply, the best man you know.
He will never make you feel less. Marriage is supposed to be one of the best parts of life, not one of the worst. Any man who makes you feel as though you need to earn his love, or are somehow deficient, does not deserve you. He will never leave you feeling as though you have to earn the right to be in a relationship, or convince him of your worth. The right man is going to see that worth, even more than you do.
And, with him, you’ll feel stronger and more independent and more incredible than ever before.
He will fight for you; he will not need, or want, for you to be “easy.”
He will never leave you wondering, leave you doubting, leave you berating yourself for driving him away with your too high standards. Because his standards will be your standards; you’ll be partners, in the truest sense of the term, in all things. Anyone who has to be talked into sharing his partner’s values is incompatible; true love grows over time, and from shared purpose. Romance can be ignited, and reignited, but respect once lost is gone forever.
And finally, though there will be ups and downs, and moments of doubt, nothing in his conduct toward you will give you cause to question the safety of a future.
