Floored By That

On Sunday I broke ground.  I’m currently re-doing the floor in our small bathroom.  I removed the basin, replaced the compression shut off valve and tore up the vinyl flooring.  The glue beneath started in with an immediate mocking. “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…I’m going to make your life a living hell for the next few days!”  The thing about adhesive, it’s a sticky mess!

While the glue was still pliable, I used the putty knife to scrape away as much as I could.  By Monday evening however, despite using a continuous spray of water, the glue transformed into a solid mass of stubbornness.  I haven’t been using my office this week to write but instead have taken to the upstairs easy chair with my laptop.  Here’s why…

Is it wrong to admit I worry a LOT?  I plugged the basin hole with rags for (I know this sounds a bit irrational) it can’t be healthy to have sewer gas seeping in through the edges.  I’ve been limiting my time in that area just as a precaution.  I should probably mention my concerns about the creepy crawlies that may slither up and through.   I was after all, an avid fan of the “X-files” so I know what lives in the dark land of sewer pipe.  Alligators, rats, monsters or roaches; none of which are welcome in my home.   

Adding to this, I’ve been using boiling water to loosen the glue on the floor.  I even attempted to use a technique I learned through “how to” footage on youtube that includes a steam iron and an old bath towel.  There’s a reason for the saying “stuck like glue,” and that reason is apparent; linoleum floor adhesive. 

Yet, I refuse to apply the harsh chemicals of commercial remover, so today with the need for a different approach; I pulled out the random orbit sander.  I located a very porous sand paper, put on my old clothes, goggles, face mask, thick rubber gloves and clicked on the yellow beast.  The unit shook this way and that until the pad disintegrated.  Pieces flew in all directions as I stood wondering if other people had such rotten luck when attempting such things or if it was just me?

I changed clothes back into my everyday writing attire then returned upstairs to finish the chapter I was penning.  I’ll admit it here…I was grateful that I had an imaginary doorway to leave all home improvements behind.  The Oregon Trail seemed to offer more comfort and luxury than that blasted floor.  At that point I toyed with the idea of returning the flooring and using a bit of sealer to enhance the pattern of dried glue.  Despite the abstract “eye sore” quality, it would be unique…add a bit of color perhaps and we’d have an artistic masterpiece! 

I wish I could write my way into having the floor completed.  This is how it would go:  the vinyl lifted from the floor in a single tug.  All of the glue from the bottom was adhered to the paper so additional removal was unnecessary.  With a simple damp mop the floor was fully prepped for the next step of laying ceramic tile.  Everything went as planned and the flooring was grouted without any stress or worry.  The end result glistened as rays of sunshine reflected from the new materials.  The home owner grinned with pride at a job easily done!

IF only…I mean it…if only! 

Reality check.  I ended up driving to the hardware store to replace the pad on the sander before grinding my way to the concrete below.  I sanded for about an hour which was a lot considering the small confines of the room.  Despite the effort, it still appears as if a chemical remover will be necessary.  Such things make me uncomfortable…I’d rather not and just say we did.  There is after all, the horrible vapor quality from such products and they are highly flammable.

The sanding proved to be messier than it was worth.  A fine dust spread throughout the downstairs and eventually traveled in an up-swing.  I used an electric air cleaner with a good filtration system but that did not prevent the particles from sailing everywhere.   What a mess, WHAT a MESS!

Upon further research I learned of a new product called, “Genie Zap” to aid in dire circumstance.  It’s rather expensive and they keep a limited quantity in the back room of select hardware stores throughout the U.S..  The container is rather ornate and you must sign a legal waver indicating you will not hold the hardware store financially responsible if things go amiss.  The bottle must be handled with heavy duty chemical resistant gloves, available for an additional $25.00 but worth the investment.  The thing about home improvements, one must always take the necessary precautions for safety.

When you bring the bottle home, open it with great caution and wait.  A puff of smoke rises from the enclosure until a human form appears.  The “Genie” will offer one single “zap” on behalf of your project.  In this situation you must consider your words very carefully.  One “ask” is all that is offered and there is no sort of un-do! 

I read a testament of this poor fellow that intended to remove shingles from his roof in order to save tearing off three layers.  Genie Zap provided a re-move-al all right for the roof was set in a constant re-move.  It’d shift up and off then back again, up and off and then back again…and there was no shutting off the re-move!  The good news is that it moved so quickly that all weather was deflected from that moment on; the bad news was how the roof was never in the same place twice.

Granted “Genie Zap” should only be used for desperate circumstances.  I’m not sure if I’m ready to surrender yet or not.  We’ll see if I’m desperate enough to use the laminate glue remover and deal with the noxious fumes or the ultimate zap.

Seriously though, with a bit of luck a new floor will be completed in the near future.  Genie or not, ready or not, dynamite or shellac, it’s all for the great step in the right direction…in fact, that would be my simple wish.