A WRITER’S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REJECTION
We all deal with rejection at some point in our lives. Whether it’s the postman turning down your romantic propositions again, or the local cult turning down your romantic propositions again, rejection is a day-to-day occurrence.
I guess you and the ‘Order of Holy Light’ were just never meant to be.
But what about when that publisher turns down your beautifully-crafted novel, or that witty article you wrote about accidentally spurring an athlete’s foot outbreak at your local pool? Writing rejections can sting – but don’t worry, me and my trusty ulterior motives are here to help you through it.
A WRITER’S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REJECTION
1. Take a deep breath. Try to think of the rejections as a learning experience, and make sure to pay close attention to any criticism. Criticism is important, and you must imbibe it if you’re to become a successful writer. Breathe deeply. Read slowly and carefully. Read between the lines. Breathe deeply. Crumple the letters up in your hands, forcing them into your open mouth. Taste the criticism. Breathe deeply.
2. Imagine the rejection letters being read aloud by everyone who’s ever hated you.
3. All the advice online says not to phone the publisher who just rejected you, but what does the internet know? Give ‘em a quick call – if they didn’t want you calling them, they wouldn’t have a publicly listed phone number! To let them know you’re really furious, give them the silent treatment. Breathe deeply.
4. Give up on writing fiction, and start work on your memoirs. Who doesn’t want to read about a 23 year old suburbanite who once met Jay Leno?
5. Trash-talk the publisher on your blog. Let the world know you’re too good for them! Email them a link to your scathing critique – after all, they started it! “We do not feel your work is right for us.” We’ll see how smug you are when your face is photoshopped onto fetish porn, Mr. ‘Senior Editor’!
6. On thirtieth thought, maybe they’re right. Your novel is trash. Trash, and it always will be trash. It’s better no-one sees it every again. Burn any paper copies, then delete all backups. Pretend it never existed. Cry uncontrollably at night.
7. But it’s not just the novel to blame: you’re the one that wrote it! What are you doing wrong as a person? How can you be more writerly?
Hint: all the best writers are alcoholics. Visit the liquor store.
8. Write a stack of acceptance letters, then mail them to yourself. Congratulations! You’re a success in your own make-believe world! Brag about it to strangers! Don’t let their uncomfortable, averted gaze deter you! Keep talking! Breathe deeply.
9. Print out all rejections. Fill the bathtub with them. Take your clothes off and climb in. Bathe in your failures.
10. Print off all rejections. Buy glue/ steal glue from a preschool. Make a life-sized papier-mâché version of yourself, out of all your missed chances. Beat yourself to pieces.
11. Find the publisher’s place of work and follow them home. Let them know you appreciate their constructive feedback by throwing paint balloons at their bedroom windows.
12. Hide in the bushes when the police arrive. Do not attempt to explain yourself: the police are slow to understand the ways of the writing world.
Hint: camouflage gear from the army surplus store will help you blend in with their hydrangeas.
13. When the police finally leave, force your way into the house. Breathe deeply.
14. Without being seen, make your way around their property, writing down all the failures in design, tidiness, and familial relationships. Critique their clothes, furniture, and private photographs. When you get home, write the publisher their very own rejection letter, letting them know everything that’s wrong with their life.
15. Drink plenty of soothing chamomile tea – it’s proven to combat stress and insomnia. Add discount vodka – it’s proven to make the world suck less.
16. Wait for the police to show up at your door. Going to jail is an important life experience for serious writers! Make sure you don’t go down easy. Did Oscar Wilde go down without a fight? Probably not!
17. Always remember, writing is a craft. Like witchcraft. Make sure the arresting officers find all the voodoo dolls you made of them, the publisher, and your parents. You’ll be in the bathtub, slipping both into alcohol-induced unconsciousness and rancid bathwater. Breathe deeply.
So there we have it! You’ll be on your way to writing success in no time! Join us next week, when I realise the prison won’t allow me to write my latest masterpiece from behind bars! ‘Till then, rejectionphobes!
- Writerfern
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