The Power of Sistering Within the Survivor Community by @TruthisHers
I am a fierce advocate of survivors of childhood abuse being involved in a support community during their recovery journey. The power of a safe group of survivors to providing encouragement, perspective and education to one another is.is so incredible that I require it of all of my private and group clients. Being amongst others who truly understand our experience, welcome us with no judgment or disdain and provide us with a constant stream of support erodes shame, self-loathing, and the desire to isolate unlike any other treatment modality I’ve seen – including individual therapy and medication. Community, I tell people, is shame’s Kryptonite.
Every week in our Twitter chats and Facebook groups for survivors of childhood abuse I watch magic unfold as people who’ve never felt understood or connected to another human being experience those things for the first time. I see survivors stop in their tracks and say, “Hey, me too!” in an absolutely gleeful way when they hear someone else describe a reaction, thought, or life circumstances they thought they were the only one in the world to have had. In an instant I watch their countenance shift and I know they are going to walk away from that chat or discussion thread with a sense of belonging and hope that they didn’t have before.
WHAT IS SISTERING?
Within the overall concept of community involvement is a unique process I refer to as sistering. It’s an engineering term that I’ve co-opted to describe the way survivors come alongside and provide both strength and protection to one another. In the last year I’ve seen it move people along in their healing journey with such success that I want to pull it apart from the overarching community activities category and shine a light specifically upon it.
Within the field of engineering sistering means: “the reinforcement of a structural member by nailing or attaching a stronger piece to a weaker one”. It is usually done to a joist, which holds up a floor or a ceiling. A cracked or damaged joist, rather than being replaced, is reinforced so it can continue to fulfill its original purpose.
When we’re abused we are often left feeling damaged, powerless, and like we don’t belong any good place. Our abuse has lied to us for years, convincing us that we’re worthless and even bad because we “allowed” our abuse to happen. We feel broken, hopeless and powerless to change our situation.
When new members come into our survivor communities this is most often the state they are in: feeling so much despair that they are on the edge of collapse at any moment. They are hungry for two things: support and protection. Sistering provides both of those things.
HOW IT WORKS
In the middle of hopelessness many survivors don’t believe they have the strength or capacity to recover – that they will never accomplish the purpose they were put on this earth to fulfill. I hear, “I can’t do it one more day,” so often. I understand. I’ve been there. That feeling is very real. “I know you don’t think you can,” I tell them, “We’ll be here to help you until you can walk forward on your own again.”
When I say to them that they are wonderful, deserving and strong they often tell me, “No, I’m not.” I always respond, “I know you don’t think that you are. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are. I’ll keep telling you until you believe it for yourself.” I loan them my strength, my hope, and my power until they’ve proceeded far enough in their recovery to reclaim their own.
IMPORTANCE OF SISTERING
Sistering also provides protection, which is deeply necessary in recovery. To heal the damage from our abuse we have to confront it. It’s a painful process that leaves us feeling even more broken before it deposits us on the road to strength. Our thoughts are focused on our emotions and memories – we might be overcome with flashbacks or endlessly looping triggers. In those moments we’re vulnerable, much as a woman is when she’s laboring and delivering. We need protection, someone to come alongside and wrap us in their strength while we do the work we need to do to birth a new life. We need sistering.
I love working with survivors. Co-hosting our two weekly Twitter chats is a highlight of my week. Getting to witness the connection of one survivor with another is magical. I get to see them move alongside one another with such generosity of compassion and encouragement to give each other strength, protection and a sacred space to heal. It’s an honor to see them do this without prompting. They innately know what one another needs, and they provide it without asking for anything in return.
When those being sistered recover, they exchange roles and move on to provide what was given to them by sistering the next broken, hopeless survivor who needs someone to provide for them what they cannot provide for themselves.
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
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