A Bar Called Noir Should:

Have furniture made of red leather, brass studs, and large pieces of woodOffer many different types of bourbonBe darkBe playing Sinatra as background musicNot have a statistically significant percentage of its decoration come from the Red Bull marketing departmentNot have randomly placed curtains made of shiny beadsNot have live music of people singing "Creep" with bongo accompaniment
Seriously. Bongos.