Fangirling My Own Work

“Do you re-read your books after they’ve been published?”

I was asked the question a while ago. Some authors can’t read their own work after it’s been published. Makes them feel… weird? Dunno.

Me? I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve re-read my books. All my books. It’s different for me. I’m a fan of what I write, of the characters I write. They’re family, the kind of family I can actually stand. So revisiting them is nothing but good times for me. I miss them, and I fan girl like the rest of you. I love specific scenes, specific dialogues, and specific chapters. And oftentimes I’ll pull up a book on my Kindle just to flip to that specific part and read it.

Always like the first time. It feels like I always discover something different when I read the books.

Now. This isn’t a “Oh, I’m so good” kinda thing. And it’s not a “pat myself on the back” type situation. It’s an “I genuinely love these guys so let me look them up one mo ’gain” kinda deal.

I freaking squee all over them.

Now this post is because I was writing some Elias and Lucky yesterday (nearing the end, BTW) and some familiar faces showed up. Not those LOL But some dudes you guys love. And I found myself squeeing and grinning like a fool. Because I love that, love when familiar faces pop in, stop by, and just all around make shit that much more interesting. Didn’t know that was gonna happen, and I’m certain when you finally read and get to those parts you’ll squee just as hard.

Fan. See?

I’m a big fan of series. Big. Huge. But I’ve got this weird quirk where I need each book to be about a different couple. I can’t do the same couple all the damn time deal. That’s my reader quirk poking through, because things I won’t suffer as a reader, Av the author damn sure will deal with them. You have no idea how far outside my comfort zone I go when writing.

Not the whole gang/killers/bad boy type. Heh.

I write what I’m a fan of. The way I like things to be. Most often you might never know whose book is coming next in my reads unless I tell you, or really push their storyline. Like I did with Is and Reggie (you knew they were gonna get theirs) and with Tek and Quinn. Bet when you started Love the Sinner you never knew Pablo was gonna be who he turned out to be? Neither did I.

I like that. Like it organic.

That’s what I like.

And there are times when I re-read one book or the other and I just touch my chest and look up at the ceiling and go, “I can’t believe I wrote this.”

Like you, I have my fave kiss (Used to be Gabe/Angel, now it’s Is/Reggie), fave sex, fave lines. And sometimes I’d just be lying in bed and want to read one of my guys so I do. I read my work. I understand some don’t have the same opinion on it. When they’re done, once that book is out there, they’re done. But see, with me it’s different. If I can’t read it then I can’t expect you to either. If I can’t get down in the trenches with you, cry every time Pablo lost his shit on Shane, when Dima went ape-shit on X’s ass. If I can’t grasp my pearls when Gabe and Angel kiss for the first time, when Syren reveals all his panty-clad deliciousness to Kane, or when Shane breaks out of the hospital to go to J.P. If I’m not panting when Gabe goes beast on Angel in the condo that birthday night, when Dima goes hunting for X’s cum inside some chick, when Reggie drops to his knees in front of Is that first time…

If I’m not doing that every single time, how can I except you to have the same reaction? I want it to last beyond the first read. Past the third re-read. So I definitely go back and read time after time, loving that the words pack the same punch.

J.P. and Pablo came out in print the other day. I have a box (5 paperbacks) in my possession. The nostalgia is…heavy. I keep picking up the books and flipping to different chapters. Their first kiss on the boat.

The first time J.P. acknowledged that being with Dev, “it mattered.”

Like Shane, I lose my shit every time J.P. pulls the Jesus piece and tells him to “take a knee”. Last night after I put kid to bed I revisited that entire basement situation, where I hated J.P. Hated what he’d done. Then I went to him rescuing Shane and absolutely dying himself inside that hospital bathroom. And I cried for him. Last night.

You have no idea how many times I’ve read this Goddamn book.

And still…

I’m a fan of what I do and how I do it. Not many are fans of mine, of how I do what I do. But here’s the thing, when I’m done writing this post I’ll probably go right back and re-read that whole thing again. The author side of me has long been put to rest so it’s all about losing myself in it as a reader.

I can do that, but I can also see growth and weakness.

I like to think that I grow with each book I put out. I take more risks, up my game. That’s what I’m here to do, right? Get better at my craft. Learn and grow. So re-reading also provides that side of things, too.

I can say now that yep, definitely too much sex and cussing in Love the Sinner.

LOL But I adore all that nasty so it’s all good.

I still re-read it at least once a week.

There are still new readers discovering the Brooklyn Sinners everyday. That’s…bittersweet. I can never let them go, you know. I try, but then I cave and bring them up on the Kindle and surround myself with them. There’s this hole in my soul reserved for them

I created Run This Town as a sort of surrogate for the Sinners. A new world and characters for us to transfer all that Sinners love onto. But we can have them both, can we not? Enough space in our hearts for both series. Eighty percent of you found me via the Sinners and I wanted to give you something to soothe that burn.

But truth be told, there’s no way to fix that. That’s why I keep going back to them. They’re like a past lover. Your time is up, has been up, but you still feel drawn, pulled to them in an indefinable way so you keep going back for that nasty, wall-crawling, hair fisted, nasty sex that leaves you wrecked and ravaged and still somehow needy for more, despite the carpet burns on your knees and the clumps of your hair on the floor.

You know it’s not gonna work, not gonna help shit, but you’re there anyway. You keep showing up, keep getting fucked, keep using that rinse and repeat cycle.

Pretty sure I’ve written myself off the farm here. Can’t remember what I was talking about LOL That sex shit up top gave me an idea for the next time Elias and Lucky gets naked, and now I need to wrap this fuckery up so I can go let them work out their differences against a wall, with their pants around their ankles.

What the hell was I yapping about again?

Oh yeah… fan girling over my own work. Do that all day, every day. The day I stop re-reading my books is the day I give this writing thing up. Not gonna happen anytime soon.

Listening to my work, on the other hand, now that shit is too Goddamn weird. Audio? No, thanks. And you can’t make me.