Not So Smart

I don't own a Smart Phone*, so I tend to notice how people who do sometimes behave. I'd like to share my observations, too, so here are

Ten Dumb Things About Smart Phone Addicts

Conversation Monkeys: When I try to talk to any of you smart phone addicts lately, you listen for only about half a sentence before you start talking about your phone, then check your phone, and then begin texting someone. While you do this last part you mutter "sorry" to me four or five times until you're ready to listen to another half a sentence, and then the whole process repeats until I walk away, which you don't notice for at least ten more minutes. Then you get mad at me for being rude.

Date Voiders: This is something I see almost every time my guy and I go out for a meal: a nice young couple who should be totally involved in each other, yet who never say a word to each other because they're both on their phones the entire time they're in the restaurant -- even while they're eating. So romantic!

Find Mining: Why must we watch you unload your purse every single time you need to answer or use your smart phone? This would be the purse with the empty zippered phone pocket on the outside, btw. Ever consider actually putting your phone in the phone pocket? It's a radical idea, I know, but it might help.

Grocery Store Gamers: One of the great joys of having grown up kids is that I don't have to listen to that stupid video game music anymore. Until you get behind me in a long line at the market and start playing [insert name of smart phone game app] and then alternately yay or curse it while you play. This is especially attractive when you're doing it one-handed while dragging a wailing toddler along with you. P.S., the next time you shove your cart into my back because you're so wrapped up in your phone you don't look before you push? I'm handing your toddler a king-size energy bar.

Lookee! Or Not: Probably a dozen times last week someone tried to show me something on their smart phone which wouldn't load or they couldn't find. At which point they have to explain what I'm missing, but it's been so long since they've actually spoken to anyone they can't remember half the words they need to use. Totally unriveting.

Low Battery Bitching: Once you realize your smart phone battery needs charging, and you're somewhere where you are unable to do this, you have to whine to me every five minutes as to what percentage of power is left. While you're still using the smart phone. And when it finally dies you spend the next twenty minutes bitching about how lousy your battery is while you begin to twitch and fidget uncontrollably (which is the part I really like to watch. Can you get the Lookee! addicts to do that?)

Phony Drivers: I don't drive anymore at night because you people who have to be on your smart phone while you're behind the wheel do. I know, it's incredibly selfish of me to refuse to die just because updating your Facebook status made you run a red light, but there you go.

Plug Slugs: Once a week I find a charging cord hanging from one of my outlets where it was left after someone who is not my relative charged their smart phone. I used to try to find out who they belonged to; now I add them to what has quickly become an extensive personal collection. And do you know there's a guy at the flea market who pays five bucks a piece for them?

Selfieshing: While at any event I inevitably have to wait five or ten minutes while you people ahead of me take sixty selfies, which you immediately have to show to all the people who are already there with you and watched the whole thing in person, you idiot.

Text Gagged: This always makes me laugh, actually -- the growing number of smart phone addicts who refuse to make phone calls anymore and will only communicate by text. When you ask them why they say "It's easier" (if they still remember how to talk.)

*I do have one of those disposable drug dealer-type phones for road emergencies; it sits in my purse turned off until I get a flat or break down or someone needs to borrow it. Aka a dumb phone. It only makes phone calls. This horrifies everyone who borrows it, btw.