That Strangest of Wine Guides, Issue # 3!
Some kind of little stick tied to every bottle, a piece of a grape vine, I s’pose–nice touch!
We’re officially in the Holiday Season, people: cars filled with small, unruly children are racing up and down the highways at speeds never previously attainable by human beings, on their way to the dusty, overheated domiciles of their aged ancestors to share love, gifts, and…God willing…a little fruit of the vine. Naturally, then, I feel it is a service to you if I can provide some guidance to your fruit-of-the-vine shopping. Enjoy…
Brand: Cantina Zaccagnini
Kind: Montepulciano d’Abruzzo
Price: about $14
I have over a hundred adages that I completely made up on my own. One of them is: “If you’re not cuttin’ the grass, you’re mowin’ the lawn.” See? It’s useful. Try it the next time you’re faced with equally unappealing options in life. Another one is: “Everybody needs an Italian friend.” Mine is Gene D’Agostino. He and his lovely wife (and recent convert to da Choich) joined us for dinner not long ago and, being the classy fellow he is, he brought along a bottle of this fine stuff. It’s a dry, red wine, made from the Montepulciano grapes of Italy’s Abruzzo region. I know nothing about everything I just wrote; Gene and his wife are the experts of Italian wines–they’ve even traveled to that part of Italy, seen the grapes in their native land, lived among them for years, learned their language and customs, and formed lasting relationships with them, up until it was time to round them up, crush them in a wine press and drain their purple remains into a wooden barrel for human beings to drink. That may sound unpleasant for the Montepulciani, but it’s great for me: this one is smooth, mature, with a finish that makes me want to watch Big Night. Grazie, Gene and Janet!
Brand: il Carnevale di Venezia
Kind: Cabernet Sauvignon del Veneto
Price: about $6
“Bollocks.”
So, I thought “Gee, Gene makes being Italian look so easy. Maybe I’ll give it a whirl.” So, I stride confidently into the Italian section of my local grocery store wine department and I begin pulling nonchalantly at my invisible black waxed moustache as I survey my choices, from top shelf to bottom shelf. Then, I survey my wallet and realize it is filled with invisible money, and my eyes wander back to the bottom shelf and stay thereabouts. Soon, I settle on this vino by Il Carnevale di Venezio. “Carnevale” means “goodbye flesh,” but I took that to mean what it usually means, as in: “here’s a last thrilling adventure for my taste buds before returning to regular life” or something along those lines. I had no idea that “Carnivale” would mean, in this case, “goodbye flesh, because after I drink this I’m going to fall over and die.”
I honestly didn’t make it through a full glass, and the only words that came to mind were from the film, A Good Year, as delivered by Russell Crowe’s delightfully sarcastic character:
“bouquet of a wet dog…hits the palate like a razor blade, with a finish that hints of awful.”
And, later in the same film:
“it gives you a blinding headache and makes you angry.”
Do not buy this wine. And, if you do, don’t drink it. And, if you do, consider us enemies.
Brand: Alamos
Kind: Cabernet sauvignon
Price: about $11
I have a passion–a passion, I tell you–for wines from Argentina and Chile. Why? Because of the spice, people. Spicy cabs…if you haven’t tried them yet, you should. I wouldn’t drink it with a spicy food, though–just a plain steak goes with it very well. Am I wrong? Can some of you recommend a spicy food that goes with a spicy cab? That doesn’t sound like a smart combo to me. But what do I know? Only this: “If you’re not cuttin’ the grass, you’re mowin’ the lawn.”
Oops…a lot of dry reds here. Before Christmas, I’ll be sure to hand out some purchasing advice for you drinkers of other kinds of wine, O.K.? Until then!
