Chapter 74. Shaken, not deterred.

October 22, 2014

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

~Joseph Campbell

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All my life I believed I could accomplish anything I set my mind to.

At thirteen years of age I decided that we needed dimmer switches installed throughout our house. I’d seen a James Bond movie where he dimmed the lights remotely while entertaining a beautiful, female spy, and well, I was a thirteen-year-old boy, and I just never knew when I might have the opportunity to entertain. So I got on my Schwinn Stingray bike, which was the closest thing I had to James Bonds’ Mercedes-Benz at the time, and I rode down to the neighborhood hardware store and picked up a set of five dimmer switches. Then, while my parents were out of the house (because that’s the only way they would have allowed me to install dimmer switches) I proceeded to turn off the main power, remove all the standard throw switches and wire in five new dimmers.

That evening as our family dined on meat loaf and green beans in the ambience of sunset incandescence, I had my chocolate milk with Bosco syrup “shaken, not stirred.”

That same can-do attitude I had in my youth, combined with a dash of fearlessness, followed me well into adulthood and instilled in me the confidence to start my own business at the age of 27—a graphic design and advertising agency that I still own and operate to this day some 27 years later. For me, it’s incredibly exhilarating to take some calculated risk and try to make a go of something—something that the next person might not think I am capable of. And if there isn’t anyone to doubt me, and instill that drive in me, then I’ll probably do it anyway just to prove to myself I can. If I manage to succeed, it’s a wonderful sense of accomplishment, and if I don’t, I chalk it up to a valuable learning experience.

But inevitably as soon as I figure it out, solve the problem or come up with a way to make it work, then I tend to start dreaming of the next undertaking, because for me, the excitement is in figuring out how to make something work. That’s just the creative in me.

And so it was with my design business.

For a number of years after turning it into a profitable and thriving business, I couldn’t help but dream of opening my next hot-dog stand. That’s what I’ve always called my personal venture ideas—hot dog stands—my little piece of independence to make a go of, or fail at trying. And my next hot dog stand was going to be a pizza restaurant.

I had it all planned out. I was going to retire to a sunny locale and return to a time when I was a much younger man: a time when I worked for a pizza restaurant in college named Papa Dels, a time when I brought a pizza up to the servers window to a newly hired waitress, and with all the bravado I could muster said, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” only to have her say, “Leave me alone. Today’s my first day and I just want to do a good job.” I eventually married her, so I guess even then, as I pretty much always have, saw my future as clear as day. 

I saw it all. But I never saw Parkinson’s.

With a diagnosis of Parkinson’s, I had to quickly adjust the vision I had of my life. The ability to successfully do that turned out to be a key factor in developing my positive attitude toward this newly acquired disease. I simply had surmised that I couldn’t be angry at something that was so totally out of my control.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. ~The Buddha

While I never felt angry about being diagnosed with PD, I most definitely had intense feelings of frustration. How can I possibly plan for my future? How can I continue to envision a dream of owning and running a pizza restaurant or any hot dog stand for that matter, when I no longer have any guarantee about my future physical capabilities? What’s the use of having ANY plans when Parkinson’s isn’t going to let me in on what it’s plans are for me.

But you know what? Parkinson’s or not, there never were any guarantees in my life. Who was I kidding? Nothing had been taken away from me at all. Because nothing was ever a given.

Had I allowed myself to stay on my original train of thought where Parkinson’s was a frustration I would have solidified a belief that the disease was going to be an inconvenience—that I was now somehow marred and had imperfections which would sever my ability to accomplish anything I set my mind to. Instead, I began to sit with the idea that while Parkinson’s does not have to define me, it is a part of who I am, and I can make the choice to do something positive with the experience.

Our lives are fluid, and there are no rules as to how we have to react to each new experience we encounter. There are no rules as to what we can or cannot accomplish in life. With my diagnosis I could choose to live another’s reality of Parkinson’s disease, or I could choose to make and live my own reality. Sometimes letting go of a dream allows us to see better things waiting for us on the horizon.

I chose to shift my attention back to what I knew I really wanted to do—making my next hot dog stand a reality—only now I had a new challenge in mind—succeeding in life with Parkinson’s.

I’ve just about got that one figured out. Anyone for pizza?

More to come.

Tremors in the Universe is now available in paperback and hardcover through Balboa Press @ http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000956591/Tremors-in-the-Universe.aspx

or at http://www.tremorsintheuniverse.com

A portion of the authors proceeds are being donated to the National Parkinson Foundation and the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research

Tremors in the Universe Copyright © 2014 by Robert Baittie

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