Silver Lining: Recovering from Abuse

For the past two Fridays, I’ve been telling you about my abusive childhood and how that caused me to develop, and hang onto, certain behaviors. It’s time for them to go! I want to get rid of, for example, hypervigilance, super-responsibility, extreme anxiety, and workaholism. But how?

Maui beach

A fantastic book on the subject, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. David Amen, not only explains how one’s brain changes due to abuse, but also how you might go about fixing at least some of it. Within these pages are many ideas based in science. A neurologist and psychiatrist, Dr. Amen’s humor and kindness shine through as he describes certain offsetting practices aimed at reclaiming your good health. Here are a few:

Make a list of happy memories and thoughts to offset the Automatic Negative Thoughts (“kill the ANTS”). I made a list, and it was hard to stop at a dozen things. It was fun to sit quietly one evening and write down memories like special moments with Bill or the kids. Or my roadtrip with Mom through the Dakotas a few years ago.
Learn to do simple relaxation and visualization activities.
Exercise. Yes, dammit, there it is again. In addition to all the other things you already knew it was good for, here is something else: it helps normalize melatonin production which enhances the sleep cycle. Exercise also helps tryptophan, an amino acid, to enter the brain, enhancing mood. Tryptophan is the precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin, which helps offset depression.
Repeat this often: “Feelings sometimes lie to you. Feelings are not always about truth…” Don’t just believe your negative feelings. They may be based in something that no longer makes sense. As a kid I gained a sense of control by not believing good things would happen. As an adult, that negativity is irrelevant.

Ventana overlook, Big Sur

Sometimes we’re unaware of our old behaviors, and that they can drag us down. In one short phone call yesterday, a family member brought up Ebola, Syria, Ferguson, enterovirus68, the risk of a devastating earthquake in our area, and the poor health of three people we know. I wanted to throw the phone against the wall and see it shatter. But then I remembered where she was coming from and why my buttons were being pushed. After saying goodbye, I engaged in:

5. Gratitude:

For my own tenacity. A month ago, I got a feeling – a bad, familiar feeling, and since it was so clear, I decided that THIS time, I would follow up on it. In spite of not having a word for it, or knowing if I were overthinking, overworrying, or just being my old hypochondriac, neurotic, compulsive self, I pursued it. I looked on the Internet and found a word: enmeshment. I found a reason: domestic abuse.

For a wonderful therapist, who is giving me resources for self-study and serving as a counselor and coach.

For my husband, who listens and listens and listens.

For my mom and dad, who I love and appreciate. So shoot me.

Winery patio, central valley, California

What is your takeaway? Let me suggest this: believe in yourself. If you’re unhappy and sense there’s something going on, pursue it. Get help. Take the time to listen to your body. Slow down and notice what your mind is doing. Nurture yourself more. And perhaps take a look at Dr. Amen’s book, and also The Family by John Bradshaw.

It’s your life. You should be happy in it.

Rooftop hot tub overlooking Monterey Bay

And know that you are not alone. I just read a compelling memoir, Not My Father’s Son by Alan Cumming (he plays Eli Gold on The Good Wife). I also recommend Ever Faithful to His Lead by Kathleen Pooler; and Two Hearts: An Adoptee’s Journey Through Grief to Gratitude by Linda Hoye. Many of us have traveled the same path, and have finally reached a place where we feel safe. Now we are enjoying life. I wish you the greatest happiness.