Sometimes I Still Cry

I usually try to write positive posts.  I try to keep a positive attitude.  I try to smile.  But sometimes, I still cry.  I'm feeling a bit sad today and instead of holding it in, I'm writing about it.  So if you don't want to read anymore, I won't be offended.  

I took Madelyne to dance this morning.  She looked so adorable with her black leotard and pink tights.  It was a typical Saturday morning.  Busy dance studio.  Three classes going on at the same time.  Then this couple walked in with their little girl.  It was her first dance class.  She was wearing a bright pink tutu and her hair was in pigtails.  Her parents took pictures of her in her new dance outfit.  When the teacher came and got our girls, she waved to her parents and joined the others.  A second later, she came running back.  She forgot to give her daddy a hug.  And I cried.

Why can't my daughter have that too?  She deserves the best, damn it, and she should be able to give her daddy a hug.  I don't have any pictures of the three of us together.  I don't even know where her daddy is.  Why do these women get his time and his own daughter hasn't seen him in two years?  TWO YEARS!  I am so angry, I'm pounding the keys as I type this.  

Where have you been?  What was so damn important in your life that you gave up on your own daughter?  Did she ever matter to you?  Did you ever care about her?  Don't you realize what you are missing every single fucking day by not being around her?  DO YOU?  Do you think about her?  Do you even remember her name?  Does your new girlfriend even know you have a daughter?  

I'm sorry.  That whole paragraph came out with such raw emotion that I haven't felt for so long.  

I recently joined a group on Facebook called Narcissism Free.  Maybe this is why I broke down today.  There are so many women and men who have been so affected by someone like this.  There are 4,000 people in the group.  There seems to be a new post every minute.  There is so much pain and hurt in the group.  I joined the group because I thought I could help others.  Instead, they've helped me.  

It's been three years since our divorce was final and you know what?  I still deserve the right to be angry.  He lied to me.  I married this man because I loved him.  He never loved me.  He isn't capable of love.  He doesn't know what love is.  It's because of him that I don't let a man get too close.  And you know what's really sick?  I know that he reads my blogs and I can bet you anything that he is smiling right now.  

See, he's a typical narcissist.  He has no empathy.  No emotional attachments to anyone.  He is devoid of a basic human feeling of love.  He uses people and as soon as he is done with them, he moves on.  If he can't benefit from you, you're nothing to him.  He berates you, puts you down, makes fun of you, makes you seem like there is something wrong with you, and after he is sucked your entire soul, he walks away.  

I can't tell you how grateful I am that I found this support group in Facebook.  For the longest time, I thought I was alone.  It feels so good to talk with other survivors of narcissist abuse.  And for those of you reading this, rolling your eyes because you don't think there is such a thing, then you're lucky.  You are damn lucky.  I hope you never find yourself in the grips of a narcissist because the damage they can do is disgusting.  

Will I ever move past him?  No.  I'm not in love with him anymore but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to be pissed off for the lies.  Hurt because of his twisted vows of love.  Anger for discarding his daughter like a piece of trash.  Sadness for what could of been.

So yeah - sometimes, I still cry...

If you want to purchase my  memoir, please visit:  http://www.amazon.com/Who-Am-Daughter-Taught-Again-ebook/dp/B00MBKZD9K/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1411232629&sr=8-1&keywords=megan+cyrulewski

For those men and women who have suffered the abuse of a Narcissist or you think you might be in this situation, please contact me through my website and I will gift you a free e-book copy.  I won't take your money.  I just want to show you that hope gives you the power to survive anything.
Contact me here:  http://www.megancyrulewski.com/contact.html