Love It Is Too Good To Be True

I was first introduced to Second Life by a man who wanted help getting his ex wife back. He told me from the moment they met they both instantly knew they were meant to be together. A week after they met, he proposed and she said yes. Although it was a private wedding, it was the wedding of their dreams. Wedding night sex, the morning after and the whole honeymoon was exactly how they’d imagined it to be – and more.



Two days after they returned from their honeymoon, they both were at the pharmacy purchasing a pregnancy test kit when she caught him checking out another woman. They had a fight and she broke up with him. She moved out of their house and filed for divorce.



He wanted me to help him get her back into his life.



Usually when I work with someone trying to get their ex back, how long they've been together gives me a rough idea of how well two people know each other, and if there was enough time to build a strong emotional bond that can survive a break-up or separation.



“How long were you together?” I asked.



“A little over three weeks”, he replied.



I am sitting there thinking, “Met, married and divorced all within three weeks, where the hell am I?”



The deafening silence must have got to him. “By the way”, he said “we met in Second Life.  I've never met her in real life”.



Second Life, I found out is a free 3D virtual world where users can socialize or do business in a virtual environment using voice and text chat. But more than that, it’s a place where men and women go to find romance.



Users register with a virtual dating service. They submit a photo, which the service presents as an animated online character or avatar. The user dresses the avatar the way he or she would like to be dressed. The date takes place in a setting of one’s choosing e.g. beach, restaurant, nightclub etc. Communication is mainly through voice and text chat. To give it an “emotional feel”, users use emoticons to trigger avatar responses.



Avatars can touch hands, hug, cuddle, kiss and even have sex — in the clouds.  You can even buy a home or island, go shopping, exercise in the gym, have a baby — and all the stuff people do in real life.



According to this guy, even though they were both married in real life, the feelings in Second Life were very intense and real. He can’t stop thinking about her, can’t sleep and hasn’t been eating proper meals.



A part of me wanted to chirp in, “In 3D virtual world?”  But this was no place for being a smart-ass. This guy was hurting and it was real.



I have written a few articles about the perils of idealistic or romantic love, and I frankly can’t say I am surprised that this is what it has come to. It was only a matter of time.



One of love’s most powerful enemies may well be our obsession with “feeling good” whenever we’re feeling incomplete. While romantic feelings — which are usually very intense — exercise both passion and imagination, and can produce great enjoyment and pleasure, romantic love can become a barrier to true love.



The obsession with “You make me feel good and I will make you feel good” sweeps us into delusion. We hold fast to illusions, even dangerous ones all for a perfect feel-good fantasy. Often times we end up with an illusory relationship which goes up in smoke when the illusion gives way to reality.



Sociologist Mary Evans in her book, In Love: An Unromantic Discussion, urges us – women in particular – to abandon romantic love. It is individualistic, she says. Its expectations are too high. It is demanding. It’s com modified love. It is a myth. It’s bound to fail. For women, it is a trap.



I personally do not believe that romantic love is responsible for all relationship problems – but I wish people wouldn’t pretend that romanticizing love does not create all kinds of personal and social consequences that come back to bite us in the ass.



A relationship guided more by the feel-good principle becomes one of speed but no substance, romance but no love.