Bachelor In Paradise Recap, Episode 2: A Sharknado of Crazy

Welcome back to Bachelor In Paradise ! Our second episode begins with a little story about a girl named Michelle...you may remember Michelle both from The Bachelor: Jake Is a Pilot and from the premier episode of Bachelor In Paradise, where she excused herself from the rose ceremony, stating that she didn't feel any connections with anyone there. Then she gave a little secret smile in the limo when one of the producers asked her if she wanted to find love - she said it would happen, if it hadn't already. 

You might remember that last week I speculated that she got it on with a member of the production crew. It turns out...I WAS RIGHT!

(Which, to be fair, wasn't that hard of a prediction. The previews practically had "MICHELLE HOOKED UP WITH A MEMBER OF THE CREW AND CHRIS WAS PISSED ABOUT IT" written across last week's preview).

Anyway! I guess what happened was that a few days before filming, all the cast and crew were holed up at a resort hotel. Michelle happened to be staying next door to a crew member named Ryan. They both hung out on their balcony one day, began flirting, and then - GASP! - unlocked the adjoining doors to their rooms.

When Michelle came back from Sluts Island, apparently some other crew member came to her room with the Bachelor psychologist (how did I not know that they have a psychologist on staff to talk to the people who get royally dumped? How did I not know this before so I could finish my psych degree and BE THIS PERSON?!) and found Michelle opening the door to her room in nothing but a towel. 

But wait! It gets better. Because apparently Ryan was in Michelle's room, and when he heard a knock on the door, he went out to Michelle's balcony to hide, AND THEN HE FUCKING JUMPED SIX FEET TO THE GROUND AND BROKE BOTH HIS LEGS. 

I mean. Oh my god, you guys. No one can tell me that this isn't the best show in the entire freaking world. 

Oh, and that crew member's name? Ryan PUTZ. RYAN FREAKING P-U-T-Z. 



So Chris tries to talk to Michelle at her hotel room (also, why the fuck is she still there? Why are you still paying her to stay in a luxury hotel?), and she slams the door in Chris' face. You see Elan sneaking around in the background, which was my favorite part of the entire episode, and then another producer finally manages to get inside the room to talk to Michelle. He tells Michelle that Chris is the one that she needs to talk to, and she's like, "No, he's not. Chris is just the host." 

Uh, the host and the executive producer and the man whom alongside Andy Cohen most likely rules the entire reality TV world and whom is also very much likely the father of all my unborn children. 
So anyway, they do a reenactment of the whole jumping from the balcony thing with the crew member who both knocked on Michelle's door the night before AND found Ryan laying splayed out on the ground below Michelle's balcony, and it was hilarious and amazing and AGAIN THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

But anyway, back to Whore Island: 
Clare and Lacy are whispering in bed like two school girls about Lacy accepting the rose from Marcus over Robert. Lacy tells us that she is ecstatic, and BEYOND excited about getting to know Marcus better. Nobody likes this girl anymore, right? I mean, she basically used Robert to secure a rose on the island, and then when Marcus, by total luck, was able to give her his rose first, she totally dissed Robert like (insert witty pop culture metaphor here). She's kiiiind of totally a fake sugar-voiced biznatch. 

Fuckin’ Chris Bukowski is here. I hate that guy. Does he not have a job? Why does he keep showing up on these shows? He walks down the beach, gets to the house, and immediately goes to the girls rooms to hug (i.e., rub his chest all over their boobage) them and suss out who's going to be that New Car Smell this time around. Elise giggles and bats her eyelashes at him, and all I can think is that Elise is THE WORST. She's so dumb. She is really, really dumb. 

Chris has a date card, and he picks Clare for the date. Their date is a Couple's Massage on the beach. "It's relaxing, and it's something you can do together," states Clare, blowing the lid off of What Is The Deal With Couple's Massages. "And to me, that's paradise." Can we just, like, kill Clare now? Like, when does the SharkNado start happening on this show? 

Chris asks Clare what she's heard about him, she tells him that basically it's not good, and so he tries to tell her that he's actually a really good guy, blah blah blah. Nah, ya ain't, Chris. You're a guy who got on a TV show and now thinks that he can get the V whenever he wants it and not only takes advantage of it, but also brags about it and treats those V's like a D. But it's Clare, so she's totally eating up all the charming things that he's saying because she's kind of an idiot. He starts massaging her back, she says some stuff about how Chris is a man, and then they jump into the ocean and it's annoying until I think about that movie Two-Headed Shark Attack  (starring a rather rough-looking Carmen Electra) and try to pinpoint the exact moment when the two-headed shark would blow out of the water and chomp both their heads off and then I'm happy and interested again. 

Back at The Beach of Brainiacs, Robert tells us that he feels that Lacy is not very classy...and his first sign, miraculously, is not that time when she told him she was upset because the two guys she was into both went on dates with other girls, but because she's now holding hands with Marcus right in front of his face. I kind of feel like Robert deserves this pain because he went straight for the big-boobed airhead, but I also feel kind of bad for him because he doesn't seem all that bright and he kind of reminds me of that slightly mentally handicapped younger brother of your next door neighbor who you need to always watch out for because he's got the mental and emotional capacity of a 10 year old and while he's really sweet, he can also get hurt easily even though sometimes you want to be all, "YO! Toughen UP!" but you can't because he's basically the sweetest simpleton alive.  

Marcus and Lacy are reclining on the beach, holding hands RIGHT IN FRONT OF ROBERT'S FACE while Lacy bats her mascara-streaked eyes at Marcus and gives him this ridiculously annoying post-kiss smile every time he kisses her. They talk about how they hope that Marcus gets the next date card, and so, of course, he does. He kisses Lacy again. I would also like the SharkNado to kill both of them. 
Dylan and Elise time! Elise says that she and Dylan have a connection that is so, so strong, even though they’ve only known each other for one week. The producers do this amazing misty montage, reminiscent of the misty-lens montage that you see right before the Bachelor proposes, only this is full of really mundane, dumb interactions between Elise and Dylan, which is like, THE MOST hilarious moment in Bachelor history. Between the Michelle/Ryan Balcony reenactment and that, this episode is totally hitting it out of the park. We see Elise and Dylan hanging out on the beach, and Elise is all, “Oh, I didn’t even ask you this, what’s your birthday, what’s your sign?” Dylan mentions being a Scorpio, and Elise tells him that she's a Pisces and then goes into this long extended explanation of it, and we can literally SEE Dylan zoning out. Then we hear Dylan doing a voiceover where he says that every day he hangs with Elise, he's losing the opportunity to hang out with other girls. He's feeling smothered by her (WHAT?! No way). 

They begin to talk about the date card: Dylan basically says that he hopes he gets the date card, and then he goes into this really careful yet too vague thing of telling Elise that if someone else asked her on a date, he would want her to go so she could have that experience (yeah. She's not going to tell you the same thing, buddy). Basically the conversation is a round-and-round of Elise telling him that she's going to marry him, and Dylan telling her that he wants to bang other chicks. Elise starts to get kind of psycho about it - they have this REALY AMAZING CONNECTION, YOU GUYS. AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHY HE’S TRYING TO ACT LIKE THEY DON’T. So she's going to pull back, she's decided, even though she doesn’t want to. 

Lacy and Marcus go on their date. First they're transported by gondola to this island thing where they have dinner. Lacy tells us that she thinks that it's absolutely possible to find love in paradise. ENOUGH WITH THE INTELLECTUALLY COMPLICATED REMARKS, EVERYONE. Marcus asks her, "What do you think about this?" She looks around, swallows the food in her mouth, and answers, "It's romantic?" like it's a freaking pop quiz. This girl is SO DUMB. She tells him that she wants to hear more about his Bachelorette experience, and I zone out again because I really don't care. 


Lookit how dumb she looks. Back at the house, all the kids are hanging out, and Chris is flirting big-time with Elise. Elise tells One Armed Sarah she’s "vibing with Chris 100%." Sarah tells Elise that Chris is a player. “Then let him be my flirtatious thing and get Dylan in check,” Elise says. To us, she says, "Dylan wanted me to be fed to the sharks so he knew his girl was coming back."

Yeah. I don't know what the fuck that meant, either. 

Chris and Elise jump into the ocean, with Elise wearing the skimpiest bikini bottoms ever - so skimpy that the show has to blur it out with a matching red rectangle. Chris and Elise start kissing in the ocean. Michelle notes that, “Chris, who just got here, is doing so many sexually amazing things to Elise that Dylan could never do.” DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY BABY THAT WAY, MICHELLE MONEY. DYLAN IS THE SEXUALLY AMAZING ONE, NOT CHRIS! Clare calls Chris a professional - as soon as she sees Chris making out with Elise in the ocean, she feels completely cured of him. GOOD. 

Meanwhile, Dylan is knocked out cold in his bed and misses the whole thing, which is also kind of hilarious. 

The next morning, Elise tells Michelle that Dylan told Elise that he wanted her to meet other people. Michelle tells Elise that what she did with Chris was kinda-sorta wrong, that if Dylan kissed someone else she would be really hurt. Elise starts crying, and starts saying stuff about how she wants to get married and have kids, and Chris just wants to have fun, so she's going to be strong. What she and Dylan have is special, and her telling Dylan that she kissed Chris could be a turning point in their relationship. 

So she tells him, and Dylan both calls her on her shit and internally jumps up and down with relief that now he has a total and complete save from having to hang out with her any longer. He tells her that he thinks she kissed Chris not because she felt a connection, but to get a reaction out of him (Dylan). It just solidifies, to him, that they're not meant to be. Elise doesn’t want Dylan to write her off because of it, but TOO LATE! Dylan's not mad, he tells her, but he just doesn't think this is going to work out. He tells her not to give him a rose at the rose ceremony. He knows it jeopardizes his chances of staying on the island, but he'd rather leave than let Elise give him a rose. 

Elise is convinced that this is going to just make them stronger, that this is just a bump in the road. Now they know they care about each other, everybody! The fact that Dylan's upset...now he knows that he does care about her! 

YOU GUYS. THIS GIRL IS INSANE. 
Zach from The Bachelorette: Des Grew Up Poor shows up - I don't remember him, because remember what I said about it being the most boring season ever - and Clare boob-bounces down to the beach to give him a boob hug. He has a date card, and it looks like the boob rub works - he chooses Clare for the date. 

They shop and then do stuff on a beach. Being in Mexico makes Clare feel that she’s embracing her heritage - after all, she’s half Mexican. “I love that feeling when you just get that feeling,” she muses, dropping yet another deep and profound bomb on all of America's viewers. And with Zach, she tells us, she gets that feeling. They have a connection. And "I felt his connection in the ocean!" she laughs. 

Clare, do not ever talk about a guy's erection ever, ever, ever again. Your rights to ever infer to the act, position, or feel of a male's hardened penis have now been revoked forthright.  

Meanwhile, Elise is telling Sarah and AshLee about how this whole thing with Dylan (a.k.a., him trying to tell her that she's smothering him, her making out Chris to get back at him for it, and him telling her "SEE YA!" because of it) is (again) just a bump in the road! Ultimately, it will make them stronger! She keeps bringing up the fact that he wanted to throw her to the sharks or that he threw her into the shark tank to see if she would come back to him, and I still don't understand what this shit means. It is it a thinly-vieled promo for ABC's other hit show?! Why does she keep talking about sharks? And can one just flip-flop itself from the ocean to the house, snap Crazy Elise up in its jaws, and then flip-flop back to the ocean so we can stop hearing about this already? “I know that Dylan has a fear inside his heart, but I’m not going to let it get to me! I’m focusing on him and I’m focusing on what we can be," Elise tells us, and then she goes into this whole thing about the power of visualization and how she visualizes the future with Dylan, and while I'm a big believer in visualization myself, I know that I don't use it to do crazy-making scenarios with guys who want nothing more than to *not* be on a paradise island with me. 

Chris needs Elise to give him a rose. Chris tells Elise that he talked to Dylan, and that he didn’t seem upset at all (Chris is such a scumbag manipulator - "I talked to the guy you liked, who seemed like he didn't like you at all, and I know this is going to hurt your feelings but I don't give a shit because I'm hoping eventually you'll want me to soothe that pain of yours with my penis."). Elise is all like, “he’s just scared.” UH, YES, ELISE, HE IS SCARED - SCARED OF YOU. Chris comes up with a nickname for Dylan - he says that Dylan looks like a bloated version of Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting, so he calls him Fat Damon, and says that he's (Chris) going to go Good Will Hunting for Elise. YOU MAKE FUN OF MY HUSBAND LIKE THAT ONE MORE TIME CHRIS BUKOWSKI AND I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN YOUR RAT FACE. 

Anyway - Dylan's wish comes true and he gets a date card! He asks One Armed Sarah to go with him, and because she's friends with Elise, she tells him that she has to think about it. She goes and talks to Elise about it, and Elise tells Sarah that Dylan and Elise have been talking about this date all week. In the end, Elise tells Sarah that she wants Dylan to have fun, and she wants Sarah to have fun, and she trusts Sarah, and they both deserve it, and now is not the right time for Sarah to go with Dylan. Dylan and Elise have to work through this, Elise tells us, and they will, so she thinks that this is a good thing...especially because this all shows that even though she hurt him, he’s still thinking about her. 
It's at this point that Lifetime Original Movie AshLee actually calls Elise crazy. Blood flows from the eyes of statues. Holy water in every church begins to slowly boil. Gargoyles come to life and fly off into the sky.  

I personally don't love One Armed Sarah, but I do kind of love that Dylan loves her. He finds her very attractive, he tells us (aw!), and he finds her personality unbelievable (really?). During their date (another boring dinner), I feel like this could be a love connection between them, and I ain't even mad about it. 

Campfire! Michelle really likes Ben. Thinks he’s a really cool guy. She’s really impressed by him. 
Fast-forward to an hour later when she's sobbing on her bed about how this is all so messed up. Whose fault is it? BEN'S!

Marcus "spilled water" on Ben's backpack and found a letter inside (SUCH bullshit - why wasn't THAT filmed? Because the producers found it and handed it to Marcus, that's why). He shows it to Marquel, and they both agree that it's a love letter and that Ben absolutely has a girlfriend. They go to confront him - "He's gotta leave, he's gotta leave," claims Marcus (WHY does everyone still think he's a good guy?! He's NOT a good guy. He's kind of a dick.) - Clare spies on the conversation, the entire house decides to join in like it's their business, and Michelle flips out. Like royally, completely flips out - she starts crying about how she left her daughter to be here because she wants to find a connection and was excited about doing that in a house where everyone else was here for that, too. Michelle takes this shit seriously (a little bit too seriously, if you ask me). Ben tries to explain that he met this girl three weeks before he came, that things happened really fast, but he still wanted to come because he wanted the experience. Michelle's not having it, Marquel tells him that him being here is really disrespectful to everyone else here, and finally Ben apologizes and tells everyone that he's leaving.


“Goodbye Hollywood," Ben says, during his shirtless confessional. "I’m done with you. Done.” Then he gets up, dramatically picks up his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpack and - still shirtless! - hops into the van. 
Chalk that up to the THIRD most awesome moment of the episode. 
Cocktail Hour! Michelle and Marquel talk - although I don't know how Michelle managed to do that while Marquel wore those goddamn awful fake aviator glasses - and Marquel tells Michelle that he's noticed that she likes to drink. Rightly, Michelle states that was him basically saying "I’m not judging you but I’m for sure judging you." Robert walks up and asks to take a little more time with Michelle. Whoa-ho! Robert, hedging his bets with Michelle! Michelle's first question for him was if he thought she drank too much. He said no. Good answer. Guess the boy isn't such a simpleton after all...

Chris and Elise talk, and Chris lays on the "I really like you," to Elise. No one fucking believes that when you say it, Chris. Oh wait! Elise does. But only because SHE IS MENTALLY INSANE.

Sidenote: Does anyone else totally want AshLee to start digging her claws into Chris? I want this SO BAD. 

Dylan tells Sarah that if Elise gives Dylan her rose, he won’t accept it. Sarah tells him she’s uneasy and uncomfortable with the dynamic, and Dylan points out that she didn’t come here because she wanted to be with her best friend. Dylan then asks Elise to go talk. Elise thinks that Dylan is going to tell her that he’s had a day to think and that they’re going to continue to grow and talk and learn. Dylan tells her that he doesn’t want her to hold back her feelings for Chris. Elise doesn’t know what he’s saying. “You’re like a great friend of mine," Dylan explains. "So I think you should take advantage of what’s happening right now, I think Chris might actually really like you.” Elise still does not get it . “So you’re….saying….that…” DUUUUUUHHHHH. They go around like this a billion times - Dylan tells her to go after Chris, she’s like, “So you’re saying…” “He’s sending mixed signals, and he doesn’t know what he wants” Elise tells us. OH MY GOD YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. “I’m confused.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR. 

Rose Ceremonaaaaaaay! Roses given:Lacy’s first. She’s wearing a belt for a skirt and a crop top, because of course she is. Does she remind anyone else of Courtney Stodden? She give Marcus her rose. AshLee - GrahamClare - Zach Michelle - Marquel. Robert is surprised and bummed at this, and knows there’s a good chance he could be going home. Elise - gives it to Dylan. He’s shocked. Dylan tells her that he won’t accept the rose. He tries to hug her, but she tells him that she has something she wants to say to everyone. Looking mortified and so uncomfortable that it gives *me* the heeby-jeebies, Dylan stands there, staring down at the ground as Elise turns to the room and addresses them with this speech, which I recorded word-for-word: “I want to thank Dylan, because I think that I, as a woman, and every woman here, deserves one hundred percent a man who is going to fight for her." Turning to Dylan, she says, "I know that you know that life brings a lot of pain, life brings ups and downs, and I know that myself and every woman here deserves someone who is going to be there through thick and thin and sickness and health, and Chris, will you accept this rose.” 

THE BEST EVER. 
Also: HAHAHA CHRIS GETS SADDLED WITH THE CRAZY HAHAHAHA. 
It's One-Armed Sarah's turn, and she picks...Robert. WTF?! I KNEW I didn't like this girl - I don't give a SHIT if she only has one arm or not. I understand that she probably didn't want to mess up her friendship to Crazy Elise and that she saw this as her chance to save Robert from going home, but still, it pisses me off. Dylan tells us that he has strong feelings for Sarah and that he hoped that she did for him. The fact that she didn't means that he's going home. But, "I feel good about the decision that I made about Elise. I think Elise is...out of her mind." 

So Dylan goes home and my interest in watching this show goes down by 40%. I love you baby! Stay strong. Get some rest, take care of you, and I'll be coming for you as soon as the stars align and I find myself in Boston or you find yourself in Hayward or whatever situation is created so that I have to do the least amount of work to just "bump" into you and make you fall in love with me. 

Anyway, the previews for next week indicate that Graham gives AshLee the What For for planning their wedding already, and Chris begins to regret his decision to latch onto Crazy Elise, and then does his best to be a dick about it. 

The observation of which ended in this: 



The End.